"keep it simple"

hey.... keep it simple...

keep what simple?.... i dont know..
how?... i dont know..

"keep it simple"....pretty easy to say isnt it...

how do you act upon that though, how can you control something to keep it simple, i know i cant... even though i look i can... really, honestly i cant keep it simple.

um, maybe i think too much and in too deep that it makes a situation more complicated than it really is... i just realised that today, that habit is a disadvantage for me but an advantage for others....
but why do i do that for...

i was just chatting to a friend that im having personal emotional issues with... and i really wanted to tell her what im going through with her and how much i wanted to stop it... like to just have a break from each other or not see each other anymore.. i almost did it... but i hesitated, why? because it feels good talking to her, but at the same time it was awkward coz i didnt say what i needed to say to her, i was just holding on for a reason on why she was so absent.. and when the reason came, i was glad then that i didnt tell her.. but now i regret not telling her, i should have told her.
see how much it messes me up inside?...
if only she reads this blog... then i dont need to directly say it to her... but no... i dont want her to read this... how personally fucked up i feel and plus that would be a coward way to communicate to someone.. especially someone that means so much...
so that was a close call.
so.... how am i suppose to keep that simple...

i am feeling completely dismantled.

-[Pd]-

heyhey... i apologise for not blogging so much now-a-days...

so, whats happening?... whats new?..

me?, not much... just having problems with my emotional status i don't really know where i stand.

um... lets see, i started hurting myself again.. which isn't a great thing to be doing, but i just find it really neat?. i feels good to me, the being scared of hurting, then driving the adrenaline to doing it then the adrenaline goes overdrive, releasing stress and all sorts of pressure and pleasure, then the calming down stage right after it, it all feels incredibly great to me.

i found myself having a drug addiction once again..
and also discovering i have an addiction for sex?.... well not just sex, but the whole hooking up thing, the meeting, the flirting, the chasing (if there was one at ones situation), then the concurring , then the pleasure or the pleasing of pleasure.
that whole thing.

it's all about adrenaline, i think. because if not then i dont know what im chasing for, and i think because of all this, i feel like i am distroying my bonds and relationships and friendships....
but, im guessing that it has been showing me how people interact with me... like i just realise that some to most of my friends (i wont name, coz thats not nice, and if i do have a problem with you then i will take it up with you, no doubt) are like, using me, taking advantage of my supportive and niceness and just using me to do things for them and i get nothing in return, actually i get my heart broken in return, everytime it happens, it feels like a sharp knife sliceing through me, but the more it happens the more it feels like a rusty knife stabing through then to be twisted... visual enough for you? well thats how i feel. not much to change it now.

i dont understand why i am still here.. living.. while i know that life hasnt have much left to offer me, why is.. whoever or whatever is it that is controling life, keeping me here? i have been trying to kill myself since i was about 13, and still unsuccesful..
is it like a quest for me to keep other people happy and ignore my own?
i am sick and going to die from it... and still no one gives a shit.. not even taking a moment to ask.. "how are u feeling" .. is that so hard?
is it so hard to ask "how are you?" , i cant be strong and cope anymore. i was never that strong to begin with, so who expects me to be so solid of my feelings and life just enough to ignore it and focus on someone elses.
you know, i think im actually glad im dying from illness .. its using less to no effort to killing myself.. i can just sit back and enjoy the ride...

BUT hey, is this all my fault? i often talk about expectations, and so im trying to think if i have brought all this negativty on myself. everyone has an expectation for everyone else or for something.
with people, we meet and as we develop a bond, we create this path way of expectations of ourselves to the other person, and to objects.. we simply expect it to work. for example your new ipod... when u buy it, u will expect it to work, wouldnt you. but what if when you use it and one of the features doesnt work?... what would happen...
so what would happen if you can't deliver an expectation of yourself.. or receive an expectation from someone else..? would feel pretty fucked up hey...

there is this quote that i heard once from a tv show called "becker" and one of the characters would say "no expectation, no disapointment".. i love that, and try to live by it, but i cant, i always seem to fall into the personality of a person (people).
i fall into the feeling of nice people.... only to find out no one is always nice. then which is why i regret and hurt.

ok enough jib.

now.. the good things in my life...

erm.. let me think..
um.
im hanging out with a friend more frequently now.... which is fun to look forward to each week...
um... i have a little doggy.... which is comforting... and cute... but wouldnt shut up on some nights...
work.. is stable.. making alright money.. winter isnt such a great time for the business... so gotta move promotions overseas and make a major footprint... america and europe are great places for music.
trying to find a big area/place/house/location to set up a home studio and house to live in...
matt keeps calling me?
going back to vietnam soon.... looking forward to that. i miss my motorbike..


anyways.. getting late... about 2 am now.. should sleep....
goodnight/day and thank you for reading ...

-[Pd]-