I'm sick.....
i feel hot and/or cold....
i don't have an appetite for food, for life...
i cant smell anything nor taste anything...





lately... i haven't seem to be feeling any better...
the problems, i just can't deal anymore.
i dont know how to feel but crushed, disapointed.

but i dont want to give in, not anymore.

-[Pd]-

your mum & me

OK, OK...
i have received HEAPS of.... messages... about what i said about the older women and the mum thing....

*sigh*.....

i just want to be clear on that.... i am not your friend because i want to get with your mum....

...and the "your mum rates me" ... gosh guys.. come on, its from Natalie... from communitychannel..... she cracks your mum jokes all the time... its funny.


i have this stupid melody of one of the "get these girls on your mobile now" ads on TV in my head.... " I'm your private act, hot and horny, your private act, watch up on me..." GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!!! stupid horny song...lol.. catchy though.

anyways... me and your mum.... won't happen.... or.. high chance of never happening...
so rest your pretty head (not unless your mum is really hot or pretty or you know... young or something... then you should be worried, mate. - nah I'm just kidding... continue with your resting..).

... people are paranoid about me and their mums now...ahhhaha...
not so long ago.. it was parents being worried with me and their daughters...
....FUNNY.

(this is turning out to be quite a sexual post.... all well, might as well continue the mood huh? or maybe I'm the only one feeling it... hm.)

girl....
hm...

lol... a old friend (acquaintance?) that i started seeing again... the one i had a coffee with a few days ago...
discovered my weakness..... and it is driving me insane!!...
teasing me everywhere and anytime and i simply can not ignore it.... if i could then it wouldn't be a weakness, would it.

in a way.. i like it because it would be instant now... and i get excitement much easier...
BUT.. i hate it because .... someone knows my weakness... she knows my weakness.. and with that said... i won't be able to be the one in control anymore... I'm loosing power?
and did i mention she teases me anytime,anywhere?..... and that drives me extremely insane... so insane i nearly had a car accident...
is she going to tell others??!! i fucking sure hope not. else my game is over!!.
...over.

anyways... time for me to rest my head....

i just wanted to clear things up..... because i would like to keep the nice respect between you,me and your mum.....


cheers.

-[Pd]-

OTS (yes.. i know i stole it from gabe.... )

hello blog buddies (mocking daveywavey... guy on youtube... i think hes cute, and "hello blog buddies" is what he says... and that's cute too.... and i think he is hot...very clean- great looking... - i have a crush on a gay guy on youtube. *sighs* - feels like i need a life.. i enjoy his posts.)


i honestly don't know what to talk about.... I'll just sit here with this open for a while.. (like i usually do anyways.. but today.. I'm so blank)..

-------------//


oh!!.... was discussing about my financial status and my plan to buy a house and such...
and i told my cousin that i just want to give up seeking property for now.. and take my money and go on a great and long holiday and maybe travel the world or stay at one or a few places for a really long time... anyways...
then i had a business idea that i wanted to open a cafe, because my cousin was saying that she wants to open a take-away shop.
opening a cafe has been my long time dream... well not that long ago... but somewhere there, and it was kicked in the arse when i learnt a few people i know opened cafes of their own...
but it's back, it's back.
i want to open a cafe, but i have no clue how to... or have any clue on how to maintain it..
clueless on a dream i feel so passionate about... funny that.

I'll find a way...... i heard there's a class for it..... I'll look into that.

let the hopes,dream,faith begin.


-----------------------------//


i realised that i have a new fear...............................................................

yea... a new fear.

i have the fear of my skull/head exploding,
or collapsing or visually cracking.

and when i have headaches and such... i start freaking out, becoming really paranoid.
(well i don't dramatically freak out... just talking inside my head... like.. omg omg it hurts so much... i hope it doesn't explode... it feels like its cracking... ouch ouch ouch.)

speaking of fears... i think i have quite a lot....

um,
-i have fears of birds....or feathers, or things with feathers
-i have fears of things mysteriously appearing in water (lakes,beaches,pool, big barrows of water..etc)(yea.. probably too many horror movies).
-i have slight fear of manikins- suddenly moving or jump and scare the living day lights out of you.
-i have the fear of driving around by myself really late at night and getting car jacked, and probably stabbed or killed in the process...
-i have a fear of strange animals or most animals... i am not a animal person... but i do care, just please don't hold anything to me, unless i asked for it...

yea, that's my general fears... i have mental fear issues too but I'll just leave that....

of course i try to play cool.... it's not a good feeling when you freak out around people u fancy, yah know. see, if a date comes to dinner with a feather as part of the clothes... i wouldn't freak out.. I'll just notice it a heck of a lot, and probably loose my focus on my date...


what are your general fears.....

actually... i don't think I'll call them fears.... or are they... i don't know.. because i don't overreact when those situations happen...I'll get shocked and then quickly get over it.. or calmly freak out inside and not let the other person know....

like birds... i come across birds all the time... and especially when walking with a really nice lady friend through a park... FULL of birds, i do not scream my lungs out and run away... i would suck it up and keep walking THROUGH the lot of birds... and depending on who I'm with then i decide to tell calmly that i have a slight fear of birds...and prepare for a laugh/crack up/giggle.
(but i wouldn't know what I'll do if one decides to attack me... !!!! ARGGHHH)

---------------------------------------//


went out for a coffee with one of my older lady friend this morning... it was nice...
elegant.
i think i have the fancies for older women.... i just find most of them attractive either in one way or another...


i think i like my cousin's sister in-law.... is that wrong?
she is about 40-something.... is that wrong?
I'm 20....

... don't get me wrong... girls my age, i still notice... but i seem to notice the elders more....

elder makes them sound reallly realllllly old..... i don't know what you consider old... but about 50 or 60 up.. is what i call old...

the ones i take interest in are really just individuals... smart, sexy, funny,strong, sophisticated, witty, wicked... in order but seeks to be bad.....
hm... sorry, a bit too carried away with myself there... but i hope you got the point.

ahaha... i feel like once i post this... it will put a strain on between me and my friends... paranoid on if I'm checking out their mum....

(your mum rates me)

ok fun time,over...
sorry guys... maybe I'm just a twisted little weirdo... but hey.. I'm blogging.. and you are reading...


------------------------------------------//

ok... i should stop.... ^_^.v

cheers.

-[Pd]-

Your mum rates me




-------------------//

i added some songs to my playlist... and decided it'd be a good idea to move it to an easier view, so you can view and use all the functions.

--------//


i am so sleepy and tired today.... i feel so drained.

spent the day learning and singing some songs i wanted to learn for a while now...
it was good, shit thing was that i don't have a capo... so my singing was shit because i couldn't adjust the tone of my guitar...
i finally had a day to myself today.... finally from all the chaotic things that have been happening.



--------------//

anyways... goodnight

-[Pd]-

"one take sessions" - OTS (i'm going to start using "OTS" now when i feel like just a pure random talk moment.. no editing, just type then post.)

there's something about the way your hair fall in your face, i love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase, you show me where to go, though i might leave to find, I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hands behind it, and if you want love, we'll make it... swim in the deep sea of blankets... take all your big plans and break em... this is bound to be a while.... your body is a wonderland... your body is a wonderland, I'll use my hands... your body is a wonderland....
damn baby, you frustrate me... i know your mine oh mine all mine... but you look so good it hurts sometimes...

oh sorry.. was i singing?...
i just love that song.
just perfect.


---------------------//



people are picking me apart..... i feel like a piece of bread being fed to birds.....
or
am i just not in control anymore....

---------------------------------//


my mind is so stressed.....

my ex bf... my mate.... my buddy... Matt... is having some sort of.... jealous-fit?
Matt is having a problem with me... having hypes (getting excited-happy-high) for other people...

i don't clearly know how to explain... I'm not even sure whats going on...

actually.. i wont try to explain it now... til i understand...

all it is right now is... i don't like the way he assumes me, it makes me sad and it really hurts me that he feels like he cant trust what i say about my feelings.
i would like to think that i am a pretty straight forward person, and i believe in what i say, or else i wont say anything at all. and if you are someone that knows me(or follow my blog)... you would probably agree with me...

I'm trying to have some cooling off period before heading in again.

----------//


who makes you happy....
how and why do they make you happy...

what happens when they make you cry...

what happens if one day they suddenly walk out of your life?
suddenly not there anymore...

.....................................//


I'm just sitting here thinking,
i feel like crying...

i feel lost,
confused.

i can't seem to understand or figure things out...

i think I'm loosing myself, my control, my mind, my heart.

i see things.... i hear things... but i can't seem to process anything...


...maybe I've changed.

Fragile.

------------------------------//


how longer can you stand beside me...

...listening to me

... holding my hand

... telling me that everything is going to be alright

...telling me everything is ok


will you feel my heart beat?

... if you don't feel my heart beat, how do i know it's still beating...

so how longer can you stand beside me, feeling my heart beat...


-------------------------------------------------//


funny thing, i feel like how i was last year. i had the almost exact same emotional rollercoaster as i am having now.... with everything...
friends... relationships... family...
maybe the situations means something really deep, if it keep being brought up and happening over and over again...
or I'm just simply not over them yet... i haven't or can't let go.... i push them down and now they have pressured to rise...




--------------///


to be totally random.... i started to think about people.... and then i started to think about high school,

in my grade... there was two odd individual girls that just seem to keep to themselves day in and day out... OR... people didn't seem to care for them much so they didn't have a chance to fit in anywhere.

i wonder how they are... where they are, what they are doing...
i hope they made great friends and enjoying their lives now in the outer world of high school..

to be honest, i did find them to be odd.... i did try many times to talk to them and such.. but i just cant find the bond... but during the time in between... i do find them intelligently fasinating- of course in their own way... but they became odd again after a while..

but i really hope them well... they are nice people....
so either they turn out to be really smart.. and become one that makes a change to this world of ours... or high school and the social bitch got to them... and u know... bad shit happens. god forbid nothing happens.

.... like i have said before many times.. high school was not the greatest time of my life, but i don't regret it.. i have learnt who i am... i learnt the bitches and jerks of the world and how to defend myself against them(by ignoring them and not give a shit because they don't know what its like to live my life- or kicking the shit out of them)... and i have found true(for the rest of them, they can just bugger off) people, my friends.

----------//

how do little kids.... know how to be....
i noticed.... babies... can identify their own gender.... by the toys or clothes or even the colour...
i noticed with all my nieces and nephews... they will always choose their own gender's toy/colour/clothes... and it amazes me... and you can't trick them either.

anyways...
yea.. how do you know how to be.... and when do you realise who you are...

I'm starting to doubt parts of myself.

-----------------------------------//

wow.. 3am....

..//


-[Pd]-

last night.... i went to Helen's birthday dinner....
was good. wasn't how i expected, but good.

i went to Helen's dinner with Nicky....
and of course, she drove... and it was a great feeling that someone else was driving.... i feel sick of driving.... though i have my moments and days where i put on my sunnies and pump the music up... and I'm allll good.
um, we didn't stay for long because we didn't feel so comfortable being there, with the people- most of them i simply do not get along with ( high school reasons... or just because i don't like how they ... are?), though i talk to them anyways(because it's called being polite)... never more than 5 minutes though...not intending of course..
great to see Helen, Sara and Carolyn there though...
so me and Nicky just sat at the bar for a while... to let the time pass and settle a bit before entering again.. and but we also wanted some time to ourselves...with each other?.... (ahha... i don't know how that works there so I'll point that out.), ended up drinking heaps of liquid (fucken cost so much, spent about $30.00 on drinks...and it wasn't many either. but then our meal didn't cost as much as i expected so that was ok.. and we shared our food...).
we left after a while... because it was feeling kind of awkward being there and actually not being in there, and Nicky had to work early the next morning.... so we went for a nice walk around the habourside (it was so nice and pretty... we were on the bridge and looking down.. the lights and the water... so pretty.. and the breeze .. it was kinda romantic? i sort of lost myself =S ) and drove home...
got to my place and she came in to see the kids for about half an hour then went home...

even though not many things happened,much... it was a great night for me... i felt it was a great night... got to get out with Nicky... and see all my good people at the same time... and that nice walk... and talk.... hm... this should happen more often... i don't know why it doesn't, its a good feeling, so it should.... i don't know how people feel about Nicky... or me bringing Nicky... but yea..
who cares.... (yea.. looks like i care.. because i brought it up, but yea.. i care more on what my friends think..... yea.. the people i hang out with.... not the others..).

.... i have a hype. its not going away... and I'm not so sure i want it to go away... it feel nice just the way it is. i wanted to post when i came home last night but i thought i should let myself calm down a bit more before speaking... i was trippin all over the place....

hm.

hm......

makes me think.....

---------------------------//

nothing much happened today.
was babysitting for most of today... just stopped actually... its about 11pm now....

-------------//

for the first time i didn't think too much into things.... i feel happy...
not trying to ruin and figure out why things happen.. wondering when the bad will happen to take affect... hm...

just enjoy the moment....

hm.. my moment is lasting pretty long... i hope that's a good thing.

------------------------//

well goodnight then =)

-[Pd]-

my family randomly went to a park for a BBQ today (at auburn's garden place).... and i got really scared of a peacock.
for those who know me, i do have a slight fear of birds, and that peacock was coming awful close to me i had to ask my little 4 year old niece to chase/scare it away for me.......

story of my life. -_-"

in my defence though..... i did not freak out.... just felt really uncomfortable.
a pretty girl laughed at me.. =/
i picked her a flower and said "thank you for finding me amusing".

also... there was like... two or three.... random men that were there... that just seemed too odd to me... (they weren't together)... they were just walking around staring at the rocks,ground,tables and chairs..... then napped?
they seemed a little depressed... but odd.

--------------------------------//

lately... my caffeine intake has alarmingly increased.....
so i thought I'd try to control it.. or just stop for a few days like i usually do....
so today i only had one cup of regular espresso... and BOY did it feel good!!!.
felt myself twitch an awful lot and minor chest pain, also still feeling a little dizzy and such...

hm,
-words of an addict.

but I'll see how it goes... i need to cut from about 10 extra strong espressos to max 3 cups of regular coffee a day.

------------------------------------//

i had a dream that i was being butchered by someone i know.... and i was fully awake and watching it happen, i could feel every single cut, slice and chop (the closes thing i can explain to you is... its kinda like what Dexter does.... though i would be still alive and watching and feeling it all)... but the weird thing is (yea.. me being butchered isn't weird or strange enough for me.. kinda expecting it to happen one day..) my head was detached... but i never died... every part (hands/arms/feet/head/face) was still moving...
bizarre.. she licked my face....

strange.... but yea.. i woke up for real and laughed it off...

------------//


Your mum rates me.

-------------------//


i know i haven't continued writing up from the book... but i lent it to someone... and they have not given it back yet..I'm kinda annoyed.

so be patient guys.. like how I am trying to be.

-------------------------------------//

my phone number keeps receiving calls that are not looking for me... like as if my number is an old number that was used recently because i kinda doubt someone and i are using the same number at the same time... or i doubt that people can be that dumb to press in the wrong number and put mine in... if you have my number... you can see that its a high chance anyone can make a mistake for another number....

yea... its not a big deal..... I'm just a bit annoyed.... keep being interrupted during work and other things......

-------------------//

i have a thirst for, yea... the whole bleeding dark side of me is showing again.... i think it's about time i encourage it... just to be safe and keep sane.... i would give in and feed my crazy side once in a while... and not let it build up and lead to the nasty that i would regret or get caught for.

this time, i think it'll be hard to satisfy.
I'm not sure i can find anyone that would participate with what i want to do...

anyways, i shouldn't think so much into it or it will get messy.

so many voices...
talking
demanding
tempting
seductive
.

--------------------------//


um..........................................................................


------------//

can you feel it when someone is staring/looking at you?

----------------------------------------------//


yes sir,
may i have another!!!

-------------------//

ahhaha... i am talking to a friend of mine... and she brought up on how i found out about her old nickname on msn (the one she used so long ago way before we met), and how i found out is windows live messenger has upgraded, and so it has this feature (that is kinda annoying and i cant get rid off) that shows my contact's name/nicknames and shows the status or what they are doing....
and she was saying that one of her friend is asking her things that she has never told her before...
so i suggested that her friend has gone to her profile and read things that are on there... so i went on her profile....
and i found she had blogged before... and she seem very embarrassed about it, because of the way she use to talk and such....
and that makes me wonder if i would get embarrassed if i would read my old blog posts... or someone decided to read it and talk to me about it...
because i do know that i speak/write differently from then til now....
but it's funny to think about...
she is still freaking out... and now is trying to delete. (because i keep teasing... )

-----------------------//


hm... ok i think thats enough..... this post took me about 3 hours. o_O

mega sleepy.

-[Pd]-

G'day kiddo



it's raining today.... and it is making me really sleepy... i must have had about 6 cups of strong coffees since i woke up today...and its about 3:30pm



--------------------\\



I'm still house hunting...



tough work...



----------------------------\\



i met someone,

she is a lovely person, but she reminds me too much of cooper and Nicky combined?



(i left, back now and its about 10:55pm, sorry about that-not like it made a difference to you, i just needed to escape myself.)

she is a lovely person...
is it a bad thing that i find parts of people... in other people?
parts of someone i like... in someone else i am liking....

is it a comparison? am i trying to find another cooper? or Nicky?

am i trying to force the liking to someone so i can selfishly in a way have both of them?

hm.

what caught me about her is how bubbly she is, her smile, her inviting voice... a pretty face.
by saying that, i don't know her well...
i haven't found out much about her and her life yet, at least to the usual standard of first knowing someone... i like to learn as i go...
but by the way she is towards me, her tone, her body language, her eye contact... her attitude/personality- she is polite with class- yet fun?. its all comfortable and inviting.


maybe I'm thinking too much.

or maybe... the package is the "type" i go for.... that's why most of the time its all the same.. or partly the same.
cooper has pointed out to me that i do tend to pick a type i approach... i had no idea i do that.
but thinking about the history, i guess she's right...
i always thought i was free-fielding. but i guess not.

maybe i substitute lovers. *shrugs*
to who though, if this is to be true... then who started this obsession of a fancy...



hm...


-----------------------\\

my tea has gone cold.

i don't mind.

--------------------------------\\

my shin pain went away.....

my right shoulder is still a bit weird...

and now my right eye is hurting... i think that's just because of my lack of sleep...

-----------\\


for the last three days... i have been obsessing with the song "Fall at your feet" by Crowded House... especially the acoustic version.

it's a good song.. you should listen to it... if you haven't already know it...

i know it's an old song.... but i love it.

---------------------\\


anyways.. i should go to sleep so i can rest my eye...

goodnight/day

-[Pd]-

you know what catches me off guard?

when i look through or down my list of IM contacts... and one of them happens to say " not here, please leave a message"..... i start to panic.... i look around of where i am sitting to see if anyone caught me reading that, and i almost feel like i am being forced to leave a message, even if i don't want to, and if so happens there is to be someone around me when i come across one of those.. chances are... i will leave an unnecessary message(sometimes even an inappropriate one).


i am currently eating and trying to guess the flavours of Jelly Belly jellybeans and i am amused.
i am amused..... Jelly Belly amuses me..... do they amuse you?, have you ever taken the time to be amused by Jelly Belly?. it's fun i tell you.

-----------------

i have been trying to search for a property to buy..... it's tough work....
i found a place i like... but it got auctioned off to someone else... they went too high over my price limit for that particular house.
i guess alot of people liked that home because alot of people turned up for the auction, so i saw i had to chance, though it would be nice if i have gotten the property.

i am still look look looking...

my area, is a shit property market. people are fucking crazy in my area.
the prices are so high for a shit house that you cant even live in anymore, and the property isnt even more than 400m².
the only reason i see why the prices are so high is because of the word of mouth. people bring value to the location of the property. instantly, cabramatta, canley vale, lansvale, fairfield is about 320,00+, and fix ups are needed.... and etc... or pay 320,000+ for the land and knock the house down and build up.... which will cost about 200,000+?..... so you will be spending about half to more than half a million bucks... for a home that you will die from debt, or die from working your butt off to pay off the debt, either way... you are screwed.... not unless you already have the money upfront.... then enjoy(but honestly, if you have the money... wouldnt you want to move to a location where you can actually relax?, like the beach or something? or city life? or just somewhere else?).


my shin bone and my right shoulder really really hurts.... deep bone pain....
i dont know what to do.... need to go check it out... it hurts so badly that i could not drive for the last two days. boy, i hope its not serious.

anyways... i should try to get some sleep.

i hope you all have been well....

(MATTY'S COMING BACK SOOOOON!!! YAAAAAAYYYYYY)

-[Pd]-

I saw you the other day
You were dreaming and that's ok
I saw you the other day
You were sleeping on a boat but that's ok
Because I do like you
I do like you today

I saw you the other day
You were tearful but that's ok
I saw you the other day
And you were screaming with laughter but that's ok
Cause I do like you
I do like you today

Because I do like you
I do like you

Ba bou ba bada bou ba bou ba bou bada ba bou
Ba bou ba bada bou ba bou ba bou bada ba bou

I saw you the other day
You were drinking whiskey but that's ok
And I saw you the other day
And you were falling all over but that's ok
Cause I do like you
I do like you today


I close my eyes so I'm not seeing
And I shut my ears so I'm not hearing
I close my eyes so I'm not seeing
You're out of reach and now I'm bleeding