it's quiet....





.... i don't like it.

um, um




i find it funny and amusing when certain friends or people that come together and talk... they get into this "secret whisper" as if what they are saying strictly can not be heard by someone else....or someone will die!!!

its like, they gossip so much... that they don't even need to hear each other in order to know what the other is on about because they are so updated on the gossip that they are basically on the same page... probably on the same word..... by word....

and oh, whats with the slapping.. and pushing... and poking... gosh not like the other got distracted and looked away... they are staring at each other.. and slapping each other as they whisper.....

what is with that.

ahhaha, amusing to watch...

i always feel like the place is going to go into lock down or something with walls and bars falling from the sky.


anyways....

top half of the day was stressful.....
i dislike getting things done in cabramatta... i especially dislike the centrelink people in cabramatta... why be so snobby for... why...? why.. what is the point??!! ain't you suppose to help us?... don't think just because we came to you means you can be all bitchy and up yourself.

why is cabramatta so crowded... allllllll ttthhheeee tiiimmmeee...... (STOP FUCKING BREEDING!!!... nah im kidding lol..)
with the cars.... and the people...

why cabra.... why....

dear cabra... you frustrate me...



um.......................................


um,


i need to control myself better... with everything...

my mind has a problem... it's giving me all these green go lights way too much...

i don't know what it is or how it started... but damn.. i need it to stop, at least give me a yellow light not if a red light.

whats going on.... i do this every once in a while..

where i just come to realisation that ....

i dont even know what im talking about...

nothing is coming out right....

if your close to me... i neeeeeed your help...
i need to make sense..

-[Pd]-

why can't people just do what you ask......





-______-"



my brother has the only manual car in the family... and he parked it on the entrance of the driveway... and he is going out with mates and is leaving his car at home....



so i asked him to move it into the yard.....



" can you please move your car in so people could get out later?"

" why.. dad can move it later... where you going.. who's gonna be going somewhere"..

"what if mum or i want to go out later"

" tell dad to move it..."

"he is going to be drinking later.... he won't be able to move it.."

" no, just tell him to move it.. I'm going now"



and he left.





JUST MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR!!!!

WHY CAN'T YOU MOVE YOUR STUPID MANUAL CAR WHEN YOUR STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO IT??!!!!!





now I'm stuck at home... i can't get the car out... maybe I'll just put the car on "R" and push it onto the middle of the road.... yea? sounds good. (lucky for you , i don't have the keys.)



... i need to get out... i can't stand the thought of being stuck... i get edgy when it happens.

as you can see there....



stupid lazy people makes it harder for everyone else... (or but then.. i always see technology these days are like for average lazy people.. everything is made easy... - OK. also for the purpose of time... but everything now.. allows people to get/be lazy...)



my lazy arse brother makes it harder for me, he makes me aggressive because he never does what i ask... nor answer when anyone in the family ask him something...



i think one of us needs a good slapping.



either i need more patients (which clearly i am running out of) or he needs to step much a bit( OR HEAPS!!!).









i feel needy.. I'm pretty sure it shows(I'm sorry to the friends that i have been buggin).

I'm trying to back off from people now(just a bit, or more)... I'm not quite sure how to handle myself lately, I don't know how to moderate myself to apply to the people around me...

too much of me..... too less of me.... hm.. you tell me.



but at the same time, I am trying to seek some comfort... I don't feel like i am stabled right now and so i am seeking help/comfort... in case i happen to do something I'd regret. like hurting me or someone else... emotionally or physically... either way.. it's disfigurements - and i don't want that.



so now I'm not sure how to present myself... how to ask for or seek help/comfort... or just to seek someone that would stop me if they feel like I am going to do something wrong.



rights & wrongs...

... how would they know....

...how would i know...



how do i know if its a wrong or right for the distance future or for the near.. or now...



how would they know if I'm going to do something....

they can't monitor me 24/7... shit son, even I can't monitor myself 24/7.





so how do i know.... so how would they know...



does anyone know I'm in the state in the first place???!!!



i found out a bit late i say.



how do i seek help/comfort.... where i do begin..? who do i go to...?



friends....



family...



family isn't a place i want to go...
first reason is because they don't know my life... - my true life.
my mind, my sexuality, what i want.. what i need.. what i don't like etc...
so i can't just ask for help without explaining myself...



friends... are unpredictable.... like the weather can be.



i do have close friends that i do turn to sometimes.. but i do feel like i am too needy towards them when i feel unstable...
and i feel bad because i feel like i am getting in their way...


most of the time, i don't feel comfortable asking people for help....
(this does not include asking for directions and etc, just the emotional state of mind.)



maybe that's the problem...



i don't make myself open enough for people to help me.. or know what is going on, but then again.. this is what the point of my blog is.. to speak my mind... my heart... to speak about me, from me... my view...
i spend hours typing up a blog post... i don't think anyone can tolerate my lag..

with that said... i think that's probably why i usually don't like falling for friends... especially close/best friends... i don't allow myself to date close friends, because what happens when it ends badly and they are just gone... who will you turn to..? or what happens if they have upset you, who do you turn to..?

i don't like to have to explain myself repeatedly when something upsets me...
most of the time is because i don't understand the situation in the first place...
and maybe because I'm moody...


...

-[Pd]-

good evening...

just got back from visiting cooper.... she was playing a gig like 1 minute away from where i live... and she asked me to come so i went to check it out... i didn't come see her until the end though because it was a private event.. some one's 10th year wedding anniversary, so i felt wrong to just come along... though i didn't get to see her play her drums =(
i got to see her sister sing... and i think i have a thing for her.. well, just an attraction... she is pretty with a cute/sweet/pretty smile.
i got beaten up for liking her... *sigh*.. coop beat me up, and all i did was help them carry their equipment out to their cars... ok, i might have offered the sister more times than coop... but she looked like she needed urgent help. - i was just being polite (with a giant smile on my face).

lol coop felt the vibe so much that she warned me about me getting near her(by slapping me, punching me, kicking me and very scary death stares... ) or how she is... naive and very friendly... but i swear, i wasn't trying to do anything... just trying to help.
and not hit on the pretty girl... in a pretty dress and heels.... struggling to carry her things to the car...
i wasn't...


...ahhhaa....

i was a tad depressed last night til about when i went to see coop.
i didn't know how to handle myself so i pushed myself to sleep - as much as i could, because i was afraid i might get up to something I'd regret the minute after.


..blah..

yea i noticed that i go out and meet new people to cheer myself up... but... i feel like it's not sticking anymore, like it's just a temporary solution... maybe it's about time i look for something real... something that would mean more, stick around longer... i can't just keep going out and meeting people like this, what if i run out of people around the area... then i'd have to go far... and then what happens when they run out too... then i'll have no more people to meet... =/...

..gar..

yes sara, i saw my name on your blog... and definatly 10c tatts ftw!!!... I'm down.

-[Pd]-

I'm feeling kind of bored and lonely right about now...
it's cold and raining outside... so i feel like staying in.

people say I'm moping, because I'm at home, and not out there...

maybe i am moping, maybe I'm not.

what am i moping about...?

i feel somewhat empty, Bridgette has been on my mind...
i miss her, i do.

Bridgette came back to Sydney last night to gather some of her things to bring back to Brisbane, and i went over to see her this morning and drove her to the airport...
we talked, though i don't feel like we said enough...
there was heavy amounts of emotional eye contact, instead of words - which means more than words can ever be.

we spoke and left it as probably a good thing if we don't get together anymore.
there is too many corruptions to make it work again...


even though, we didn't last long or have what we wanted...
i can't help but be really sad about losing her .. heart breaking that we missed out on each other of something incredible.

i miss her,

maybe i should have tried a bit harder...

.."should have"...
..."what if"...

...blah.

i miss her smile... i miss her voice... i miss her smell... i miss looking into her eyes, in any mood she's in... i miss her lips that kisses me so sweetly... i miss her hands in mine... i miss her fingers running across my lips... i miss her hugs... i miss her snuggles and cuddles... i miss the way she cares what i eat&drink - keeping me healthy... i miss how she sings with me when i play my guitar... i miss how we use to joke around and make fun of things&situations... i miss how she would call me in the morning to say good morning, at 3am to check if i have gone to sleep, and calls before she goes to sleep to say goodnight... i miss the tone of her voice for when she says that she misses me and wish i was right there with her at that moment... i miss sitting at a cafe enjoying a cup of coffee, sulking up the sun, and just random talk with her...
i miss how she would tease me and leave my heart sinking to the ground then picks it up again,
i miss her sexy body - so soft&smooth, perfectly attractive from top to toe...
i miss how her heart is so big...
i miss how she understands what i say or not say...

i miss her.... but we both know it won't work...

she is permanently staying in Brisbane now.

it's a heart break to see her go.

-[Pd]-

people are so judgemental for no particular reason at all.....

i was grocery shopping with my mum this arvo....

and for those of you that knows cabramatta... east?.. the kinda lonely side...
well theres an adult store there right next to an asian grocery store.. know it yet?...
anyways.. my mum went in there for the first time... and she took a seriously long time browsing, so there was a seat out side the store so i sat down.. waiting and waiting... and i happen to be facing the adult store.... and where i was.. there is a train station.. so heaps of people would pass me.. and so i sat there... staring blankly into the space in front because i was clearly bored out of my mind, certain people walked pass me with a disgusted look on their face... and some even mumbled!!...

come on... i wasn't doing anything.... the adult store wasn't even there... it's upstairs.. so technically i was just staring at a HUGE yellow store sign that says " everything ADULT" or something like that... in colourful letters.

why is the sign so colourful.... don't they know that colourful things tempt kids?

gosh that reminds me.... i remember when i was younger.. like 18 and under... my family would go to sports clubs (like mounties or the RSL clubs) to eat.. when we finished eating they would let us sit at the "common area" where all the lounges are, to wait for them as they went in the poker machines area to play a few games... and i would dream and wish for the day that i am old enough to step into that area to see what the commotions were about... because i was so attracted to the flashing lights and the noises...

then one day... that day came..... and boy, was i disappointed...
all those flashing lights... and noises... turned out to be.. a whole bunch of smokers / drinkers/ gamblers.. wasting all their money - their life.. ....

til this day.. i have not stepped back in that area.

i lost my point....

all well,

oh i remember.... all these colourful and shiny... flashy lights... attract people.... i know thats the point of it guys... i know... but i'm saying.. it doesn't just attract adults.... it attracts kids... and the curiosity grows and grows.. and once they get there, they either get disappointed like me and have no interest.. or they would get addicted.. and basically ruin their lives....

bad influences and habits... like gambling, alcohol. drugs, violence... etc... are all introduced pretty early on a person's life... like a simple task of bringing your parent a beer, or handing over a cigarette, and watching tv.... etc etc.. all influence a persons mind... especially kids... they catch onto these things without you knowing...
and they might grow up with a serious addictive problem...
that might end up killing them.

gar...

stupidity in the world today....

oh since im on such a mood...

i went to a bar to pick up a friend to take her home because she had drank too much to drive...
so i arrived.. and i walked in to find her and i walked pass this group of girls, and one of them had dropped her lip gloss.... or eyeliner... or something make-up-py.. so anyways... i tapped her shoulder to try to tell her that she had dropped something, she i guess she thought i wanted to pick her up or something because she would continuously cut me off as i spoke and said that she already has a drink (in a very... bitchy tone... and bitchy body language).. so i kinda just had enough of her attitude and just said on top of her talking that she dropped something then i left...

she has too much self-confidence for her own good... or just a stupid ego.

her friends took a chuckle at her ... so that made me feel a bit better...
well they chuckled at me too, seeming they all thought i wanted to pick her up...

.... now my friend would not drop this moment... she laughed so hard she could not walk to the car and i wanted to just leave that place, coz it just didnt feel right, at all.. so i had to carry her to the car... and she was struggling for air.

i can imagine her as one of those girls that stands in front of her mirror complimenting herself...
allllll daaaaayyyy looonnnggg....

she aint pleasing to the eye...
.you know what.. i know this would bite me in the arse one day but... if you not hot or pretty or cute... DONT BE A BITCH!!!...
if your hot... pretty... or cute.. you can be.. because most of the time.. you can pull it off...
ugly people.. ... just dont... you dont have anything to back u up with...




...but then again... the world wouldnt be amusing/interesting without them...
would just be plain and boring...
with the help of the imperfections and the perfections.. there is a normal...

i probably wouldnt want it any other way....

people ask me.. on occasion... that if i could be anyone for a day.. who would it be....
or..
if i could turn back time.. what would i have chnaged in my life...
or...
if i had three wishes or one wish.. what would it be...


really, i wouldnt change a thing in my past, there were huge ups and downs... but that is what built me... and i am pretty much ok with myself.
and with that said... i wouldnt want to be anyone else... i learnt to live with myself and my life isnt so bad to think of it... i dont want to be anyone famous even though they rich and etc.. but i dont like to be in the spotlight... having people on my back 24/7 and dish dirt about me when i slip up.
and wishes?... i have dreams.. and i will work hard to get it... nothing is just handed to yah.



..

omg.. my friend just introduced me to the most fucked up yet beautiful song ..
it is... " slow motion" by Third Eye Blind.
judge for yourself.
i think i love it...

yes, i am into these sort of things...
twisted beauty...

i love twisted beauty. the closest thing if not the truth to everything.

-[Pd]-

asian products are so awesomely - overwhelmingly hilarious!!

i was out grocery shopping with one of my aunts.. and we had some spare time so we went into one of those Vietnamese music/video stores....
and i was standing in the "tourist" guide DVDs section, where they show you destinations and the food and stuffs.... and all of them had a picture of a hot or trying to be hot girl on the cover... (wearing a bikini or something revealing) ... so i became a bit curious.. so i went around the whole store.. and all of them where the same.. (except for the kiddie videos)...

Asian newspapers also have the same problem... 6/10 sections of within the news papers are covered in revealing photos...

are Asians taking too much advantage of the "sex sells" remark?

OR ARE ASIANS JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF HORNY PEOPLE??!!!

i also find other asian products funny... like.. the old post of me posting a picture of "boring pie"...
is it the miscommunication? lost in translation?....

well whatever it is.. please don't ever go changing... you amuse me.. and i love that....

I know I'm asian... and yea.. probably seriously horny...
but i still find asian products overwhelmingly hilarious.








OH!!!.... and i dreamt of your mum last night....
yes, i did.

well probably not YOUR mum.. but someone's mum...
yes, i did.

i have a huge crush on your mum....

-[Pd]-

does that look alarming to you?

turns out its water and they were cleaning the krispy kreme doughnut machine...

probably chocolate...

but,

my thought when i saw that ways.. " omg.. indoor plumbing gone wrong... "

or.. that guy just fell asleep and didn't care that the machine was overflowing with chocolate...

just came back not too long ago from going to krispy kremes with Helen... where i took that picture..

had a nice talk with her, haven't hung out with her in a while.. and it feels great to see her again...

.

i realised today that i haven't been in a stabled relationship since i was in year 9-10.. so that was about 5 years ago....

the past 5 years.. i have been hopping, swinging, swaying, jumping, playing around with much girls... and I'm thinking.. maybe that's how i am... that's who i have become...

maybe i am unable to have a serious relationship... for the last 5 years... i don't think i have dated anyone for more than a month, i think i go through girls like i go through a song... as much as i love music... i can not listen to a song continuously for a month and more...

maybe i have a short interest attention span...

maybe i like to chase and once i have them, i get bored after a very short while....- that's not nice Tori...

maybe i do it to feel good about myself... knowing that i can still whoo a girl...

maybe I'm insecure and become too needy and needs someone to "care" heaps and if they don't then I'll leave and find someone else that will...

maybe it's a game... a sport.

a habit...

a lifestyle......

not good Tori.

i feel like anybody else though... to be truly honest.

when I'm single.. i would go out and find people....

and when I'm with someone.. then I'll just be with them...

but i guess it all starts with how we meet...

maybe i set too much on your mind...

do i set too much on your mind?...

some called me a womaniser... i don't know if i want to call myself that...

because i do have that thought of settling down and eventually marry one day... and even have kids... i would definitely want kids when I'm a bit older from now...

am i on a phase?.... does any phase.. lasts so freaking long?

am i just doing it to pass time?

i don't know...

i love girls...

and i don't plan on stopping.

I'm craving...

anywho...

-[Pd]-

hm... been kinda depressing..

i don't know if i mentioned that i was casually seeing someone, i guess nothing stays simple hey.
Bridgette is her name... we were in an open relationship... means we are somewhat together but not seriously girlfriend girlfriend- i guess her mind changed and she wanted more from me..
she became possessively caring and jealous of most of the people around me, i understand a certain point of her jealousy but she expects me to completely remove the problem- to change.

i care for her too,

she's gone... she is staying in Queensland for the next few months now and she says it's because of work and family, but i just can't help but think that it's my fault that she isn't here.
perhaps it is my fault and she can't stand to be around me anymore and just raising the excuse of work and family.

maybe this is the end of Bridgette and me...

to be honest, we weren't that strong in the first place... we just wanted some fun, she brought me home and i guess that changed a lot of things.
some parts of intimacy changed, some parts of personal space changed, some parts of emotional desire deepened... and it wasn't about having fun anymore.

maybe people began to accept 'us' so it became real...
she took me home to meet her family and friends... and that is very real, though i wasn't the first girl she brought home - though she only bring home the girls she is serious about...
her mum said to her that she "picked the right one this time around"... maybe that helped her changed her mind - her heart.

this does not make me feel good, maybe i just ruined a great chance of having a wonderful relationship that i seek for, i didn't make a pure and proper effort towards her - but I'm not really sure if i really feel her in my heart, the natural feeling of possible love has not sunk into me with Bridgette, she is funny, caring, confident, strong, amazingly beautiful, smart, talented.. probably everything you look for in a person... but I am not sure that i feel her in my heart.

do i keep trying?...

i have a desire for her, i fancy her, i like her, i want her, i take interest in her, i like talking to her, i like spending time with her, i like to play with her... is that what I'm doing? playing with her?

our mind automatically set a certain feeling or way we adapt to someone else- at the very beginning when we first meet and stays that way if not it changes very little the more we get to know them... more feelings might add on, but the first impression stays.
we do not feel the same way for someone as we do for someone else that we know.
we are different to each individual person that we know.
we set certain amount of trust, confidence, fear, tolerance, hatred, etc etc to each individual...

so is that I'm doing with Bridgette?... playing with her?, not taking her seriously as i should?
am i not holding her tight enough?

she told me that she is tired of competing in my world...
she means competing with the flirty girls in my life... i have a lot of acquaintances, heaps more than friends... friends i only have a handful, which means that she hasn't met any of my friends but has bumped into a lot of my acquaintances and i guess that does send her a bit edgy - it would send anyone a bit edgy, common sense really.
but i don't know how to stop it, lock us both in a place forever and ever so we won't bump into anyone she might not like me to be around?

...maybe the fact that she hasn't met anyone close to me, and she has introduced me to her whole family and close friends.

we don't know each other well, well enough or for long.
and i don't feel the need to introduce her to my family (my family doesn't know i go for girls), and meeting friends just hasn't come up...
and for meeting people on her side, it was sudden.. she just wanted some company to her uncle's birthday party and the deal about her and i just got exploded by her sister - finding out on facebook relationship status and then finally meeting me then going around introducing me as Bridgette's girlfriend, and me being too shy and lazy to fix her...

this reminds me of the song Tiny Vessels by Death Cab For Cutie....

"This is the moment that you know,
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."

and...

"I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark.
And all the friends that I was telling,
All the playful misspellings,
And every bite I gave that left a mark.
Then tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises,
That you said you didn't want to fade. But they did and so did I that day. "


-------------//

hm..... I haven't been working for a while... I think my break is over.. need to get back to it.
in need for some more cash... I'll go back when I'm feeling better... and my face doesn't have this bad ass bandage on it.
I'm thinking on getting something more stabled, like a 9 to 5 job 5 days a week... kind of stabled job... and my Dj-ing could be a weekend thing.


-----------------//

the house renovations are still going... the reconstruction of the walls are done.. and are now being painted.. on progress of buying the floors for installation and now planning to renovate the bathrooms.
so much money is going into that house...

-------------------------------//

had a bad experience at the bank today... i was stuck in a VERY LOOOOOOOOOONG line.... with two representatives working at the counter (was about lunch time) and had a really nasty... dirty middle aged man standing right in front of me... i don't think that guy had showered for daaaaays... - mate.. the weather too cold for a shower?.
i was stuck in that line for about an hour or more and i literally felt really sick from the stink from the man in front...
maybe I'm a bit too dramatic but while driving home, i was hoping not to vomit.. and when i got home i had to lay down..

went out and left my phone at home... (OMG FIRST TIME EVER!!) i felt so awkward without my phone somewhere near/on me.. and strangely i heard someone had the same ring tone as me (or maybe i was being paranoid because i was thinking too much about it) but mine was edited so it was somewhat different.

my phone is in my pocket right now ~__^.v
(yes, that's why i pick up so fast... i keep my phone in my pocket.. even if I'm at home.. just sitting online... typing up a blog post. and if your wondering... i place my phone on my bed right next to my pillow that i sleep on .. and sometimes it goes under my pillow then when i wake up and panic because i can't see it and then i pick up my pillow and then i see it and i would feel so relieved!!)

ok,

anyway, that should be enough...

-[Pd]-

I'm feeling a high at the moment..

hello hello....

how have you been?..

i have been in so so SO much pain for the last two weeks... I'm glad its dying down... or controlled.. but pain killers and the occasional nitrous oxide...
i had something growing on/in my chin... and it grew and grew and got infected i guess... and so i had to go to the hospital to get it removed..
painful painful... was fully awake while it happened and could feel every cut, squeeze, pinch, picking, pulling that happened!!...
painful...
recovering now.... with help from pain killers and anti-biotic....

i think i have well be addicted to pain killers....


this dressing/bandage on my chin makes me look like a bad ass... which has its good side and bad side...
good side... = it gets quite abit of attention!!... good attention... from people.. thinking I've been in a fight or something and they find that hot or what not.
bad side... = makes me look like a bad ass rebel... a criminal.. some random weird old and probably drunk guy came up to me and asked if i "did any time".... actually i did... i went to juvenile for 3days when i was like 16... for physical abuse.

um........

ah.. continue tomorrow...

-[Pd]-

yesterday...i felt like my head was going to explode...
so many things was getting to me...
at the end of the day.. i got to hang out with Nicky... and it felt good.. really good.


today isn't so different... still feeling really stressed and etc.

but something odd happened today...
i was shopping for things at the supermarket... and this girl quickly clinged onto me and asked for my help, a guy was following her around and she was really freaking out ( i guess because i was the closes person to her at the time) and so we acted as though we were together... and she ended up paying for my stuffs.... and i drove her down the street....
and of course i suggested to her to report it to the police or something.. i dont know if she did or not...maybe i should've took her to report it... but then who am i to.



someone has my guitar.... and haven't returned it....
i don't like it.
i need my guitar, i'm pretty depended on it everyday...
i put all my emotions out when i play.. kinda like talking my feelings out to a friend.
and for the last two days.... i am missing my guitar...
all my craziness and feelings and etc etc are getting all bottled up...

i lost my wallet for like half a day the other day...
that was a crazy and eventful day...



i saw a guy got stabbed today..... and i kinda hoped it was me....


-[Pd]-