Jake Shimabukuro

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puSkP3uym5k

(sorry.. dunno or cant figure out how to post youtube videos directly yet, so just click on the link ^_^)

i seriously recommend you take a look at this guy, Jake Shimabukuro, he is such an amazzzzzzzing ukulele player... i feel so excited when i spotted this video i almost pee'd my pants? well you'll see for yourself... he will blow your fucking mind people!!!

much love.

-[Pd]-

I'm sorry i haven't been posting and posting the book...
i don't have an excuse im just a lazy person.

hm.. so.





last night...
i had the most dramatic freak out with fear that i ever had. (yea it was so extreme, that it didn't even make sense.. like that sentence.but you get the point right?)
cooper came over to visit late and so we went for ice cream and talk, and when the ice cream place closed we parked in front of my house and continue talking for a while and it was getting really late (like 2 or 3 am kinda late) and i was telling her about the time when i saw (or maybe i was high or it was imaginary) two women in front of my house talking and laughing at 3am, like as if they just bumped into each other out of nowhere and started talking(who fucking does that... go walking at 3am wearing a sun hat and thongs and no jumper it was a fucking cold ass night, and bump into a friend, wtf is that friend doing walking at 3am with a sun hat and no jumper too... ), and disappeared every time i called someone to take a look. well anyways, she started freaking me out by asking me if i heard a noise or did i see that.... *sigh*.... AND for some reason... there was quiet a few people walking pass, walking really fast... now i never seen that before because my street is a pretty quiet street at the night time even though it's a main road... and the moment when she freaked me out the most was when she thought (saw) a figure ( she saw something like.. a tall person.. wearing jeans and a grey or dark t-shirt) walking towards the car going to my side of the window... and just disappeared when she turned back (she turned out pretty quickly, she even knocked the rear-view mirror) and yes... i literally had a panic attack, it was pretty embarrassing, but i needed air and a drink and etc... and she was just sitting there trying to fan me down, and i calmed down because she kept laughing at me...
so i figured to not be so scared anymore we had to step out of the car... oh and because i needed air too... so we stepped out of the car but i couldn't stand still and totally freaked out when a cat ran fast by.

hm.... i bet she had a kick out of it.

i never knew i can be scared and freak out so easy... or that much.
cooper knows so much about me, she knows what i like (or would like) or hate( or would hate), how i roll(not literally of course), how to get to me, even knows how to avoid me and my questions?
and that scares me.... most of the time we sync... so maybe that means that she has the same fears and likes and dislikes as me?

um,um,um...

people think i talk about a guy when i say cooper, or think that her parents are cool because they named her cooper, no... her name is Judee, i just like to call her cooper because she owns a mini cooper... and she doesnt seem to mind me calling her so...


----------------

my tv is on... and all these " get these hot naughty girls on your phone" ads are on... some are funny ahha.. and some are, quite stupid and pervertic... like the ones that "spy" on the girl's private time.... like.. wtf man..... why dont you just go out and find a REAL girl.. and bring her home or something... gee.

----------------

um, ok im getting tired.. i should go to sleep before the sleepiness passes and i'll stay awake all night again...





ahhhahaha... JUiCY....

-[Pd]-

Stop playing with my heart the way you're doing
You keep pushing me away, then your pulling me right back in
Playing these games when you know im already falling
Stop speaking through the lines and say it bluntly
tired of reading through your smiles to see the truth behind
This circle of two thats leaving me always hoping

I wait for you to come and save me
I Hope that you will come and show me
and tell me...

That you cant take me off your mind
That you were just scared to read the signs
That we could actually be something more then
friends in love

Then I would tell all the things
That I have been dying to let you know
and we could actually be something more then
friends in love

Stop making me a fool to think you need me
Stayed true to your life through the ups and downs
waiting for moments im scared might never happen
Cuz i cant stop thinking about the future
and if you cant start telling me your feelings

Im gonna have to find someone that completes me
If you wont tell me that you..

-[Pd]-

101 alternatives to suicide for teens, freaks & other outlaws (hello cruel world)- by Kate Bornstein. part5

here we go...

"Hello, Cruel Bullies.

Bullies can make life miserable. And I'm not just talking about kids, because bullies don't stop being bullies once they've grown up, they just get more sophisticated. The very act of reading this book is brave and transgressive in part because most systems we're developed as a culture to classify ourselves-- systems like sexuality, gender, race, class, and age-- are not typically questioned all that much. Those in political power these days actively discourage questions that challenge their bully culture. But they don't hesitate to ask some pretty scary questions of their own about who we are as citizens of the world at the start of the twenty-first century.

Are you a terrorist, or aren't you?
Do you support terrorist activities, or don't you?

And the most deeply probing question of our time:

Are you with us, or against us?

If trying to answer these questions make you feel at all uncomfortable, you're in good company. These questions are designed to make you uncomfortable. They are designed to make you not want to be the complex person that you are. Either/or questions are, for the most part, asked by bullies or by these who've been beaten down by bullies and have joined their ranks.

That's why George W. Bush continues to ask the question, "Are you with us or against us?" The United Stats has become a real bully in the world, and Bush is the archetypal American bully asking bully questions that aren't really questions at all. Either/or questions-- every single one of them-- are another way of saying, "It's my way or the highway."

Many either/or questions seem reasonable.

Are you drunk or sober?

Are you young or old?

Are you black or white?

Are you a man or a woman?

Are you happy or sad?

Do you want to kill yourself or keep yourself alive?

One or the other. Simple. You don't need to think about it. You don't need to use your imagination, because the questions itself dictates your only options.

In 1996, poet and activist Minnie Bruce Pratt addressed the Out Write Conference of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Writers with this chiding observation:

"Our imaginations are in thrall to the institutions of oppression."

-------------------------------------------------

WHAT'S IN THE NAME?

I have this idea that naming ourselves beyond the either/or just might be the first step in freeing ourselves from the thralldom in which we're held by so many oppressive institutions.

I have this idea that those of us who question any aspect of our identities...

those of us who are asking ourselves, "Who am I,really?"

those of us who don't quite fit in, whether we can fool others about that or not...

I think we ought to be able to name ourselves, apart from the troublesome either/or language of the institutions that oppress us.

And I have this idea that whatever we name ourselves had better not play into the hands of those oppressive institutions, those institutions that insist we're this or that, one or the other, young or old, black or white, queer or straight, virgin or whore, hawk or dove, gendered or transgender.

I have this idea that every time we discover that the names we're being called are somehow keeping us less than free, we need to come up with new names for ourselves, and that the names we give ourselves must no longer reflect a fear of being labeled outsiders, must no longer bind us to a system that would rather see us dead.

Outsiders should call themselves outsiders, and we are mostly all outsiders in this world, so we should welcome one another's company.

Are you good or evil, male or female, black or white, rich or poor? Are you cool or are you a geek? Are you fat or skinny? Are you a God-fearing Christian or are you a servant of the Devil?

Can we begin to question the questions? Can we begin to question our slavery to an archaic, oppressive system? Can we call ourselves more than either/or?

If those of us who are struggling to discover who we are can't call ourselves more than either/or, who will?

If those of us who are struggling to discover the true nature of our love--and how we can freely express our love in the world-- can't call ourselves more than either/or, who will?

And what about those of us who are still trying to figure out who we wanna be when we grow up? And those of us who are working to discover how we might fit into, and help heal, our world? If we don't call ourselves more than either/or, who will?

Neither/nor has become an increasingly present and visible identity in today's world. Those of us who are living it are faced with the life challenge of coming out of one closet or another and calling ourselves neither/nor whenever we safely can. Which is a hell of a lot easier said than done. Because of bullies, it's a lot easier to stay in a closet. It's a lot easier to shut ourselves down or eat a lot or eat nothing at all or cut on ourselves or take drugs. Because of bullies-- people who insist that we be one thing or another--their way or the highway-- we think we might be better off dead."

-[Pd]-

just thoughts.

my friend.... is feeling frustrated... with something i dont know, but she wants to leave her life... her family... this country... she wants a new start to her life.. in a new place, i dont understand what is going on with her, but i hope she'll be fine and fresh when she wakes up in the morning...
i guess she wants her own life now, without anyone in the way to stop things from happening... i can understand that... because she is bi-sexual and she wants to have a life that she can freely express herself without the gravity of family or opinionated friends...
maybe she is having some family problems...
maybe shes having some problems at work...
maybe she is feeling like she wants to travel and experience new things because life is too short and she is getting older.
i just dont know... i can only guess until she talks to me about it...
i hope she feels better.
i heart her, i dont want her to leave but i will support her with anything she decides to do.

i am worried, if you cant tell... and i wont play the mind games and go into her head but i will wait for her to open up to me and let it out on her own, i think its healthier that way.



anyways...

sometimes i feel like i want to be god, though i am not a believer, nor a disbeliever...
sometimes i feel like i want to be god so i can fix everything... but i know that is a stupid thing to want, because i know that i cant handle it and just let everyone down and create more chaos.
everyone has problems in one way or another.

there is so many things rushing through my mind at the moment but i dont know how to describe it to proper words to write up... all i can say now is that i feel sad and feeling teary...
i dont know what to do or say...

i love you, yes, you... please smile.

-[Pd]-

101 alternatives to suicide for teens, freaks & other outlaws (hello cruel world)- by Kate Bornstein. part4

i quite enjoy typing up this book. i hope that you enjoy reading it as much as i do, its a good book that allows you to realise whats out there in the world and whats in your life... and how the both adapts to each other, you dont have to be suicidal to read this book, but it does help if you are feeling it.
its not a book of reasons not to kill yourself, but what to do instead... because face it.. as many reasons that is put out there to try and stop you... you will/can always find more excuses/reasons to go through with it.

(i've been watching the news, and i have been feeling so bad for the fire victims, i feel sorry for the families that have lost their homes and even lost members of their family or friends, i wish i could help them, i wish more people will help them. i heard they have caught the individuals that deliberately set the fires. i hope they rot in gaol.

my life has been and right now still is a complete rush and messed. i have been babysitting and working tightly around the clock, and i have seriously have had no time to myself at all, the most free time i have is about an hours worth and i use it up to blog, which i dont mind because it gives me a way of releasing whatever it is that is in me.
anyways.. back to the book.)

"So...how would you name your sexuality? Are you gay or lesbian? Are you heterosexual or bisexual? Are you monogamous? Polyamorous? Sex positive? Something else entirely? How many ways of being have you allowed yourself? Look, you're not even the same person you were ten minutes ago. None of us is/ Are you straight? Only and forever? Are you queer? Only and forever? We change our attitudes, our opinions, and our relationships. We change our minds, our politics, our moods, our sympathies and our clothing. We simply change.

The Serenity Prayer is all about change. We ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we wan, and the wisdom to know the difference, My third wife, Jackie, taught me that one, bless her.

So, here, during what might be the last few moments of our lives, what do we know about each other, you and me? The best I can say is: Hello. I'm Kate Bornstein. I'm traveling.

And I can tell you this with certainty: You are worthy and capable of finding a way to live your life just the way you really are. And there are plenty of good people in the world who believe that a life like yours needs to be lived. If you work at being as fully you as you can possibly be, you will feel better.

And keep in mind that the you that makes life worth living today probably won't be the same you that makes life worth living this time next year. Identities aren't meant to be permanent. They're like cars: they take us from one place to another. we work, travel, and seek adventure in them until they break down beyond repair. At that point, living wells means finding a new that better suits us for a new moment.

I believe in the truth of you and so do a lot of other people, people you may not even know yet. Whatever you're being right now, wherever you've been traveling, and whatever you might become tomorrow, I believe in you.

This book is a lot about learning how to give your self permission to go on living even when it really hurts. Right know you might be glad I've given you permission. Eventually, you'll no longer need anyone's but your own. Permission to do what? Permission to take yet another stab at putting together the kind of identity that makes you feel that you're being true to yourself and that life is Worth living. Go ahead, give yourself permission to become the kind of person you've always dreamed you could be."

thats all i can handle tonight guys. cheers.
(no copyright taken.)

-[Pd]-

101 alternatives to suicide for teens, freaks & other outlaws (hello cruel world)- by Kate Bornstein. part3

"Somewhere inside me there was a me that wanted to stay alive, whether I knew that me yet or not. The possibility of that began to tip that scales towards life. And then there was the fact that it was me and only me who could actually answer the question of to be or not to be. I took that to mean that if life had endowed me with the responsibility of wrestling with a question like that, then it stood to reason that it had also given me some means by which I could choose life over death with a minimum of suffering. Somewhere inside me there was an identity I could live with that would allow me to be both girl and boy-- and neither to boot. The me I'm being today is the result of that reasoning, and I'm having a pretty good life. But that's my life. Your life is a different story.

Try this: Imagine the world as a place where anyone can safely and even joyfully express themselves the way they've always wanted to. Nothing about the bodies they were born with or what they choose to do with those bodies-- how they dress the, or decorate, or trim, or augment them--would get people laughed at, or targeted, or in any way deprived of their rights. Can you imagine a world like that?

Stay with that image for a moment and envision yourself as the kind of person who lives happily and contentedly in that world. What gives you pleasure? What are the components of your identity that allow for that pleasure? How many components of that envisioned identity can you put in place in your real life in order to achieve real pleasure?

Envisioning the achievement of this kind of pleasure means that we need to talk about the deal with that which enables it: our desire and our sexuality. Sexuality is more than who we're attracted to. It is more than what we like to do in bed. It is a social identity. It is the was we experience the world around us in a positive, life-affirm-ing way.

Think about someone you're attracted to-- a movie star, or real person, or someone out of a comic or game. Anyone. Even someone you're not supposed to be attracted to but are. Just imagine that the two of you life each other in a really nice sort of way, and it makes you smile just to be sitting next to that person.

Now, how do you feel compared to how you felt just a moment ago, before you thought of the object of your affection? That's how thinking about--and coming to terms with-- sexuality can help you want to go on living.

Try this advanced mode of the exercise you just did: imagine sweet sex with a really great person or persons, and it's making both or all of you feel great. Go on, think of the best sex you've ever thought of, even if you've never had that kind of sex. Think about every kind of sex you can think of, especially if you're a virgin in any kind of sex and even if some people say it's not right for you to think about it.

Can you imagine being the kind of person who had that kind of sweet sex and relationship? If you can imagine it, you are completely capable of taking steps to realize it. It's a matter of trusting someone enough to let them know who you really are. Trust yourself first. You've managed to stay alive for the last few pages of some pretty heavy stuff. You've trusted me to more or less make sense of choosing life over death. That's how you trust other people. Just like that. Trust them to help you explore and understand your desire and sexuality.

I've long wanted to give my sexuality a name so that I could better understand it, and share it with other people. I tried to call myself a lesbian. I love women. I always have. All the big loves of my life have been women, including the three I've loved deeply enough to call my wife. I've wed three women, but I'm not a lesbian. I would have sex with Christian Slater, Johnny Depp, or David Duchovny in a New York minute. I just don't want a romantic relationship with any of them. Well, maybe Johnny Depp. Does that make me bisexual? No, because the textbooks tell me that bisexuals are men or women who loves men and women, and that gets me back to not being a man or woman.

I've tried to explain my sexuality using the words sadomasochistic femme bottom. Whoa! This is really easy to explain without having to warn you about sexual explicit material coming up. Sadomasochistic means that pain is something I can play with erotically, and that I enjoy playing safely, sanely, and consensually with other people who like to play with pain erotically. Femme means I like being girly, I like making butch women smile, and it makes me happy when someone thinks I'm cute. And bottom means that I like to be the one who's taking the pain, not that ones who gives it. I've been an owned and collared slave, but I've also been a not-so-successful professional dominatrix. Still, how can I really be a sadomasochist when I enjoy plain old sweet-a-lot, laugh-a-lot, scream-a-lot vanilla sex so much? Like everything else, understanding my sexuality is a matter of having an appreciation for the ways in which my desire and pleasure changes.

Right now, I'm having the time of my life being a tranny dyke. Goodness, do you think I planned on that?

We all want an identity that makes life worth living. The good news is, you get to decide what pleases you and makes you feel the most secure. You get to decide which identity you are going to be or not be. you can explore the nature of your desire through either sex or gender. How about a gender identity that celibate, or that has sex with itself? Or sex with some deity? Have you explored all the possibilities?"

will be continued...
(no copyright taken.)

-[Pd]-

101 alternatives to suicide for teens, freaks & other outlaws (hello cruel world)- by Kate Bornstein. part2

so, i have received a great amount of positive comments on about the book... so I'm going to continue typing it up... and I'll probably type about 2 pages minimum each post...
(i also have a new keyboard, so it's easier to type now. also have a new monitor, about time i say, i have so much good space on my desktop now, i feel happy about it.. but that means i need to clean up my room because i have created a huge mess to install all these new things.)


" I watched for what to do right. I needed other people to validate my effort to be real. It was important that they saw me as one of them. I don't think I ever pulled it off. Their kind of realness seemed always out of reach. These days, I'm trying less and less to be a real anything but the real me, whatever that ends up being.

Have you ever pretended to be another kind of person so that someone would like you better, or maybe so they wouldn't hurt you? Have you ever changed the kind of person you were in order to make people believe you were somehow more real? How did you ensure that you were looking and behaving within acceptable social parameters?

Everyone consciously or unconsciously changes who they are in response to their environment or to some relationship that they are negotiating at any given moment. Every life form does that. It's a kind of phenotypic plasticaly, an observable biological theory that says more or less that all life forms evolve according to their surroundings. They shift and change what they are so that their identity doesn't wind up causing their death and/or eventual extinction as a species.

Elephants stomping around in the polar regions of our planet evolved into woolly mammoths in response to the bone-deep cold. Their tropical ancestors in Africa and India retained their sun-resistant easier-to-cool nearly hairless gray hides. Life forms evolve not only over thousands of years, but sometimes over the course of just one lifetime. Some life form can evolve in a little over a few minutes. Humans do that. Our spirits and brains seem to have the kind of genetic RAM and processing speed that it takes to shift identities on the spot, the way a chameleon shifts color.

Sometimes we use costumes to change who we are, sometimes we use drugs and alcohol. We admire people who can shift identities well and seemingly with a few or no props: Robin Williams, Carol Burnett, John Belushi. They shuffle identities as effortlessly as a good poker player shuffles a deck of cards.

We don't learn to shift identities for purely whimsical reasons, or because we're bored or want to entertain people. It's something we do in order to survive. The ability to control who and what we are seem to be in the world is a life skill we learn through practice, just like any other life skill. Have you been practicing?

The less consciously we evolve our identities--who we are and how we're seen in the world--the better the chances are that one day we're going to wake up and not know where we are or how we got there. The skills that used to work for us will have stopped working. Our identities always stop working for us at some point. Why? Because the world around us is moving forward in time. Standards of cultural identities change depending on generation, degree of multiculturalism, and who's sitting in the White House. Identities in culture behave like software in an operating system: you have to keep an eye on what version you're using, and update it regularly, or you'll crash badly.

people who are reactionary try to keep the world from changing, rather than do the hard, but ultimately more realistic, work of changing themselves. People who don't see any way of changing themselves or the world spends a lot of time wishing they were dead.

When we consciously evolve toward an identity that we can live with, life becomes more of a game or a sport, life surfing. I'm not saying it's an easy or fun thing to do, just that it takes skill, it's exciting, and it's absolutely worth the commitment and sacrifice.

Growing up, I got pretty goof at being boy. But boy wasn't an identity I could live with. Boy wasn't how I wanted to be treated, and boy was never how I wanted to act. Boy never allowed me to truly express myself. Every waking moment that I walked through the world as boy and man made me feel like a liar and a phony. But after I went through with my gender change, I found myself still living a life of working hard at being, only now I was working hard at being girl. Nothing in the paradigm of my life allowed for being neither. And the more I tried to be boy or girl, the less I seemed to measure up to either, and the less I wanted to stay alive. It finally got to the point where it just didn't seem worth it any more. It came down to this: should I kill myself or should I make myself a life worth living? And it wasn't so much the question that kept me alive or even my answer. What kept me alive was the notion that it was me who was asking the question."

will be continued...

(no copyright taken.)

-[Pd]-

101 alternatives to suicide for teens, freaks & other outlaws (hello cruel world)- by Kate Bornstein. part1

just thought i'd share with you if not the whole book then part of this book that i read like it's my bible.... i take to heart and to mind and almost depend on it at times...


"Today could be the last day of your life. whether or not you're thinking of killing yourself, you could die at any moment.

Still here?

Excellent! That's called staying alive.

Considering that these could very well be the last few moments of your life, why are you spending such precious time reading this book?

And just who am I, trying to creep inside your head and talk to you about staying alive? You have every right to know more about me. So, here's me coming out to you: My name is Kate Bornstein, and I'm a Transsexual.

Still here?

Excellent! That's called being interested in life's possibilities.

I'm not exactly a transsexual. A transsexual is a man who becomes a woman, or a woman who becomes a man, and I'm not a man, and I'm not a woman. I break too many rules of both those genders to be one or the other. I transgress gender. You could call me transgressively gendered. You could call me transgender. Me, I call myself a traveler.

I'm traveling through all sorts of identities, picking and choosing what works and leaving the rest behind. I shift and change in order to make staying alive more worthwhile. I shift and change in order to keep myself from getting stuck someplace where I'd rather be dead, or might as well be.

Sometimes I'm aware of shifting my identity, and other times I shift identities without even thinking about it, like a chameleon skillfully morphing its colors and markings to accommodate an ever-changing environment. They're not multiple personalities, they're all different ways of expressing me in the world.

Are you exactly the same person today that you were seven years ago? That day could have been the last day of your life, but it wasn't. Does it seem to you that you're different than you were then? In point of fact, you are a completely different person at this moment than you were even when you began reading this book. On a submolecular level, nothing about your body is in the same place as it was just a few moments ago. And then there's your heightened awareness that you really could be dead at any moment. So, are you the same person? I'm not saying you're not. I'm just asking: do you ever consider what it is that makes you the same person now as you were ten minutes ago, when so much of you is truly different?

Still here? Are you sure? Just kidding. That's called coming to terms with life through a synthesis of postmodern theory and Zen Buddhism.

I was a boy who didn't want to be a boy, and in the either/or, gotta-be-one-thing-or-the-other modernist world of the 1950s, the only alternative to boy was girl, which i wasn't allowed to be. No on talked about the possibility of being neither. So I worked real hard at being a boy. It was something I was conscious of doing all the time. I watched other boys and did what they did. I did what all the ads and movies and school textbooks told me that boys do."

will continue soon...
(no copyright taken.)
-[Pd]-

i want her to know

I had a dream about you the other day, in a dress you sat in the middle of a field full of yellow tulips, with the sun reflecting off your hair made the shade of gold, a light breeze softly brushed past bringing your scent towards me, you caught me admiring from the short distance and u gave a friendly smile then a gentle wave inviting me to join you,
together we lay quietly watching the clouds take its forms, timelessly the sun starts to set, you looked at me with a smile I stutter with words as it starts to rain we ran to take cover under an old mango tree, still being caught up on words, I took your hand and placed it on my beating heart.




-[Pd]-