BORING PIE??!!! WHAT??!!

ahhah yea, i just thought it was funny so i took a picture to share it with you all.

-----------------//

hi, how are you?....

i have been out of control... (maybe i was never under control...?)

girl here, girl there..... and over there... and over there as well.

EVERYWHERE....

is my horniness going out of control?...

Nicky is going to get something that tags with my fantasy.....

I'm finding her more and more hot every time she does something....

i hope i don't overheat and die..... when i see here.. hear about her... and or think about her.... garrr...

does this mean i have to stay away from her?... but i don't wanna.

i think I'd be in huge trouble if i was a guy..... in so many ways...

I'm glad that i am a girl.... playing in the girl's field. (if yah know what i mean -wink-)

- my guy friend asked me.... how i keep getting girls so easily....

where i got my confidence from...

where do i find girls..

and how do i know what to do....

well.

-

i don't know.

i don't know, you just have to go for it and hope she pushes it right back...

um.. anywhere, everywhere... you just cant limit your space(not unless there's specific boundaries)

know what to do?... most of the time.. they would let me know...else, it comes naturally... don't you just touch them? ;p

no actually you have to work the mind before u can touch her.

don't be sleazy. be polite and sharp.

i feel cold... i need some heat... body heat preferably!! ~_^.v

a bowl of soup and some toast would be lovely right about now.

gosh i need to stop out bursting like that.... i struggle to comfort, comfort seeking friends!!.. i am so sorry .... i don't mean to out burst - i just can't help it.

maybe that's just who i am...

maybe this is just who i am... a dirty dirty little girl.

gar.

go on... tempt to wash me clean... i dare you to try to wash me clean... soap me, bleach me..

i dare you to fix me.

i dare you.

but i know you can't fix me, it only takes one person to inspire someone,

but it takes more than that to actually change.

what makes you is your surroundings...

if there is no surrounding, you don't exist.

you may not like the way i put things... but i feel like it is the most straight forth way to see things. if you use to will or decide to suddenly change.. you can't do it.. but if you change your surrounding, face it... you NEED to change...

because you have to fit in.

...life is about fitting in.

when you don't feel like you fit in... you are not happy....

so you need to find the right surrounding for you.

you do this without notice, you search and seek.... tried and failed... you even trust/depend on others (partners/friends/family) to introduce you into a place - to a new place - deeper to a curious place - and etc, but once you find it- peace will be with you.

and just to prove this... think of school... groups of kids... have you once tried to fit into a group of people? i remember my grade in high school ( i like to use my high school years is because of how i saw it change people, how it prepared someone for life - for the world.) had about 6 different groups of girls... and about 4 groups of boys.....

so, why did it have so many different groups?.... i tried to fit in ... but i didn't and i didn't mind... people were so judgmental during high school.... and i saw it... being the gay girl of the school.... threw me off tempting to fit in.... and by that... i think high school either made me really fucked up... or and real realist.

i really enjoy the world out of high school.... i found other odd people i get along with... i fit in with a heap of individuals.... of no particular type.

if you are nice to me... i am nice to you.

if you are honest to me, i am honest to you.

and if you try to mess with me... i will sure fuck you up!!.

yea.. im only joking... i'm a huge wuss.....

i just .... have a huge anger problem...... huge mood swings..... easily amused... and easily distracted. i could be laughing at you when you are trying to kill me... coz it might be funny.

if you had a random dot on you, while trying to kill me.. i'll still laugh at it.

------ //

yes....

-[Pd]-

i am currently talking to my friend (she works in pathology) about STIs(sexually transmitted infection).......
THERE ARE SO MANY!!!
i didn't realise there was so many different infections and diseases i have to look out for...

we are currently talking about HPV (Genital human papillomavirus- its what they test you for when you go in for a pap smear-for women...- guys.. i dunno... if you find something odd on your genital.. better get it checked out mate....)
and this infection/diseases/virus... can spread so easily!! and you wont even know its there unless you get tested. both men and women can get this....
a low-risk one would result in a genital wart.... and a high-risk one would result in cancer...
yea.. research it...

you need to know these things!!!

school only taught us about HIV...

dammit. so many things to consider when having or going to have sex....

sexually active... "sexually active"... why do they use that term... do you just suddenly de-active one day?

drinking ginger and lemon tea.

trying to calm down....

trying to feel mellow.



sometimes "you" make me feel like i was born to service "you".
what if it turns out that i was born to destroy "you"...


i feel like I'm drifting and i don't know who or what to grab onto.

what kind of person am i......


what kind of person am i to you...

how do you view me... how do you take me in...

what is my vibe to you...
do i frustrate you?
do i make you happy?
do i make you sad?
am i a peace in your day? or
am i a huge pain in your life?
do i comfort you?
do i make you laugh?
am i your friend? lover? hater? a stranger that you smile to because you are polite?
do i shock you?
am i your joker?
do you take me seriously?
do i intimidate you?
do i scare you?
do i interest you? or interest you in other possibilities?


how do you view me... what vibe do you take from me...


can you even take me at all?.

um,




i was watching tv... and the red bull commercial keeps coming up... and it says that " red bull gives you wiiiiings".
.... and that made me think....
red bull owes me some god damn wings!!!
heaps of fucking wings.

then i thought to myself about other commercials... like for coca cola... where everyone gets along and parties with you when you offer them a bottle of coco cola...
fuck man... if i tried to offer someone a coke .. i'll probably get beaten up for being a weirdo!!...

AND.... the pringles chips... " once you pop, you can't stop"... i can stop..... and eventually you gotta stop because you have ran out!!!....

and GOODNESS ME!!! the lynx commercials annoy me.... guys... when you spray lynx on you... GIRLS DO NOT ATTACH TO YOU LIKE MAGNETS!!!
and girls do not.. strip for you.....
girls will not slide up and down your drain pipe because your using the lynx shower gel..
AND DEFINITELY... YOU WILL NOT TURN INTO A CHOCOLATE MAN... and have girls trying to eat you.
and honestly... most of the lynx smells awful.

well.. thats just a few...

----------------------------//


my head feels funny...

i finally let myself be free... with limitation of course... for seeing/dating/hooking with/flings... and etc again... and i think the rush is going to my head...
it feels like i just bought a brand new car... and i just cant sit in my house still enough... i want to race to the car and ride it around the whole world... and fidget with gadgets and features in/for the car.... or even just sit in there... never having to leave.... why not sleep in there?!...

the rush is going to my head.

one at a time.

one at a time.
--
i was with one today...... and she tried to do a dance for me... i got turned off... but it was funny..
she tried to be sexy and flirty with the dance.... but what she was trying.. just looked awful.. awfully slutty. maybe she didn't know how to sexy dance.... bless her for trying though.

-----------------//

i think my right wrist has temporary Cumulative RSI(Cumulative Repetitive Stress injury)... because i was hammering( renovating a house... you dirty bastards) a whole lot and my wrist hurts heaps for the last two days...
probably needs to be checked out if it doesnt go away soon....

-------------------------------------//

you gotta be careful on what you say to people....
you could mean something this way... and the person takes it another way....
and then its all fucked up if when theres a problem...

i dont like to argue... though i do it quite a lot, i am a pretty aggressive person, and i do get frustrated at almost everything...
i mean like.. i try to be patient and understanding... but really i just wanna scream in my defence.. but i find that theres no point in screaming... and my senses kick in before i decide to scream my head off...
the more you scream and yell... the less the other person will listen... first of all its because the ear gets hurt... secondly it feels like demanding.. and no one likes to be told what to do or be intimidated.
if you want to get something straight... just talk about it.. don't yell...
if you yell at me... i wont listen to you.
if you argue with me... most of the time i'll let you win... depending on the situation.

if you cut me through traffic/take my parking spot.. i will beep you and swear/curse at you. - and by then if you choose to get out of the car and do the same to me... we will exchange a few more ugly words and if you don't back off then i will punch you in the face.. and probably kick you in the balls(yea... i'm pretty violent... but if your a girl/lady... i'll probably kick your car instead of hitting you..).

-------------------------//

hm.. enough blab.....

night,

-[Pd]-

it's a cold night....

i spent the day renovating my cousin's house.... such a tough and exhausting job...
i am sore... everywhere.


ah crap... i had something i wanted to talk about but i got distracted by youtube and davey wavey's blog....




gar.

----------------------------//

spending the whole day.. smashing things(walls, wardrobes, floors etc)... felt kinda great... i got to release most of my frustrations with whatever, it was dangerous... but great.
a big piece of wood fell on me and it hurts but all well.


--------//

i dont know what to say...

WHAT??!!

i can be your freak, let me show you how i do shorty.

i can do you like that that that that....




i wanna be your freak tonight.



that side is back baby, i suddenly feel free after so long....
now lets hope to god? i don't mess up this time around.
one at a time Tori... ONE AT A TIME!!!



so lets get out of this place and let me show you that i can do you like that that that.

let me hear you say OOOOHHHHHHH....


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA...



--------------------------


hm.. what was that???!!!

sorry i got too excited that i forgot to explain myself.

i met a fine fine fine!!! looking lady...
long dark hair,a fine curvy body, a pretty face.. and a hell of a fucking hot moan.

story ends there kids. ~_^.v


-[Pd]-

"Dear angry person,

I’m writing this letter in vain; though the words of this letter may reach you, its message certainly won’t.

Are you feeling anger, hate, anxiety, malice, disgust, stress, jealousy, hostility or any other related emotion? When we experience such emotions, we always view them as an appropriate response to a given situation. In the midst of our emotions, we fail to see that these emotions are self-created and self-destructive. Instead, we view our emotions as coming from someone or something else; we say such things as, “That bastard is the cause of my grief and pain.”
Of course, you are responsible for your pain.

Unfortunately, when you are experiencing pain, it’s almost impossible to see that you are the true culprit of your suffering. And for that very reason, writing this post is a fruitless effort. In fact, you may now point to me as a source of additional pain, as though my words could transfer an emotion from me to you.

The only emotions that I cultivate in my heart are love, compassion and gratitude. It’s not because my life has been particularly easy; it’s because my perspective of the universe allows for it.

I wish you could see that you’re holding the key to your prison - a prison that you built, brick by brick.

Love,
Davey Wavey"

6th sense?

cooper just left my place....


she came over because she said that she felt that i was down.....
and so she thought she's visit...


this... sense.. is really freaky... but it's nice.

time for an update i think.

for the pass couple of days, week....... has been an awful tough ride for me...

i would have.... breakouts (anger, depression/emo, laughter? cry... etc etc) almost every moment of the day, and it is very very hard to control... and it doesn't help when the people around you either triggers it or encourage/pushes it... it doesn't help at all.



maybe i want something...because i don't feel satisfied, whatever i do- i don't feel satisfied.

i had an anger outbreak today....

i almost broke my toe ....

the release felt good.

bad day?.

i am cold...... =(
and my coughing won't go away. =(
and i am feeling very sleepy.








um....................................................

my last post seemed to scare or freak out a great amount of people and i apologise for that, i just wanted to discuss it and re-typed/ re-tell the stories because i am curious... it has been on my mind for a long while and i want to know what you think...

so please tell me what you think...

funny thing about the marks... my friend, he is into life beyond earth.... and he said that he strongly believes that i have been discovered my aliens... and constantly touches the spot to check for anything unusualy like alien implants...

do the supernatural exist?

of course I'm not talking about demons and etc,..

just simple supernatural experiences, a ghost, a force field, physical marks....

remember i spoke about when cooper and me were out in the front of my house in her car and she saw half a figure walk close to beside of the car.... then disappeared when she looked back?
well we started discussing that again, trying hard to make sense out of it, but so far it is just freaking us out even more because when we come up with theories... there's the proof or lack of proof to discourage it... and the more we think, the more theories we run out of - and the more unexplainable it becomes.

so far, in the recent years.... i have encounted four separate incidents, either in or outside of my home.

and i remember speaking about all of these...
1. at about 3am or so one really cold night, i saw two women talking/laughing at the front of my house, wearing sunhats and thongs(flip-flops) and basically summer clothing (at home kinda clothes) and i find that very odd, because face it.. who the hell walks at that hour... wearing that.. on a really cold night, and they seemed to have bumped into each other- and stopped to catch up... not walking together..and they would not be there when i tried to call someone to come and take a look.... and when i alone look back out, they were there again...

2. when i still had my red skyline at my front yard...(broken down car.. just left it parked there) i looked out one night and i saw a figure sitting at the drivers seat - as if they are driving it, he/she was looking straight forward and both hands on the wheel and sitting up right.... and that car was always locked and was not broken into when i checked in the morning...

3a. i woke up on morning with two freshly wounded dots on my arm, and of course i automatically thought it was a mozzie (mosquito) bite and i simply just scratched it and it bled, but to think about it, i don't have the nails to scratch like that.. my nails are really short and always short, i cant even feel it when i try to scratch an itch let alone wound myself...

3b. i woke up at the middle of the night with heavy breathing and heavy and extreme chest pains- as if someone had just pinned me down to stab me, and my top had a blood spot so i went to check it out and i had also freshly wounded dots on my chest ( under my collarbone on my right) but this time it had like a scratch line connecting to the dots...almost a diamond connect-the-dots... shape.

4. the night with cooper in front of my house in her car... when she saw half a figure close and walking towards my side of the car. there was no one around, not even a car driving pass at that time.

and the explinations or what i tell myself to keep in mind so i wont go insane is...

1. they just felt like a walk.... and happened to bump into each other... or maybe i was high.

2. maybe i was high.

3a. mozzie bite? or might have hit my arm on something....

3b. mozzie bite?... or kids accidently scratched me during the day?

4. flash memory?.... or.. were we high?

by this stage I was kinda hoping that we smoke pot or something...

i said, she said.

"Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me"

had an interesting conversation with Nicky, well i found it interesting anyways....
she always seems to know how to get to the heart... the heart.
the heart is a pretty powerful place... in thoughts, in emotions... in needs and wants.. your heart, is where you are, makes you who you are. where it/what really matters is in the heart.

she knows how to get there. to mine anyways.

started with the usual me saying hello and telling her that i miss her... and telling her that i was diagnosed with a certain mental disorder, and i had to say/tell how i feel, what i need/want... to who ever it is that i have the need to say it to... as an exercise to help control the disorder.
and i asked to see her, and of course she was at work.... and has a very tight work schedule, and she couldn't come see me, she apologised for it and encouraged me to get better...

she said "well i believe you can do it.. you are capable of doing anything you set your mind too, so believe in yourself and never doubt it.. oki!!
love you also my friend.. i'm going always be here for you and i hope you know that.. you have always been there for me, making me smile when i was down and out.. i cherish your friendship nhi and i want you to know that!"

and then i felt really emotional, because that was so amazingly great to hear(read)

she told me to smile, and me being me made a smart-ass comment and said "smiling is contagious... so if u smile.. i will too ^_^"
then she said "ohh sure thing.. i am smiling now.. so smile as you read this and we will be smiling together.. haha sounds corny buh true.."
and then me being me again... and said... "corny indeed u are!!!..... *points*.... u, corny person..... aw but i love it.SMILES. smiles are great."
and her with her good words " yes they are! smile all day long and ppl will think your crazy buh who cares what ppl think, just keep on smiling.."
then me smart-ass "i like being crazy.... probably the best way to enjoy life. yes?"

and feeling really light and emotional.... i said..
"im glad we met... in so many ways im glad..."
and she said "so am I! even tho we don't see each that often, your the one I turn to when I'm really down.. I duno what I do if you weren't there for me? probably cry to myself... "

she makes me feel worth it... special...
that may not be much to you.... but to me, that gets inside of me so deeply.

and if you can't see why this is so special to me... one general way i can explain it is that she has heaps and HEAPS of people and friends and family around her and they are EVERYWHERE... ...
everywhere, anytime.
she knows heaps of people.... hundreds and hundreds of people... and its not like the randomly added people on networks.... these are people she actually know... remembers names to face... hung out with... sort of knowing.
and for her to keep me so close to her heart... to me, thats a huge deal, because i dont ever think that i can compete with that many people.

she is patient with me, strong.

not many people are patient or patient enough with me, i probably can guess why.. but that who and how i am... i dont open up so easily or fast enough for people to stick around for...

-------------------------------------//

twitter is taking so much of my time..... its getting addictive.... im on twitter more than i am on facebook.... hm.... it's just funny to read peoples status updates, especially from john mayer, p.diddy, ashton kutcher and soulja boy..... their minds are hilarious...

-------------

-[Pd]-

um um um.......

horniness?

just got off the phone with cooper..

I'm glad she called...

honestly, its been a while since anyone called to see how i am...

especially in my time of freak outs...

she came to see me a lot , she calls me, messages me... a lot more than usual when she knows I'm in a freak out...

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to imply anything.. or put anyone down... I'm just saying that.. I'm glad someone is there... to let me know that some one is there, is important.

---------------------------------------//

(stupid late night tv ads... that song is back in my head.. or never left.." I'm your private act, hot and horny, your private act, watch up on me..." stupid horniness.... taking away my emotional sweet moment!!)

I'm watching "the beauty and the geek" by the way.... i think its a good show to watch... on spare time.

i also discovered i like to watch.... " a double shot at love" with the ikki twins...
fuck, they are hot twins...
hot bi-sexual twins....

------------------//

ok... I've beeeeeen eyed about the mum thing still... guys.. get over it.. please...
if i have a thing for your mum... I'd probably tell you about it... or someone will eventually tell you...
although, there is one mum i cant deny..... only met her once... briefly.... but damn.. she is pretty... and cute... my friend and her mum... could be sisters in an instant.
yea.. building your paranoia all the way up... but relax couz.

-------------------//

i want to go watch the Sydney swans play this weekend... but missed out on tickets.. i wonder if they would have any if I'd go down there....
or i guess tv would be ok... wouldn't be as fun though...


-----------------------------------//

damnit... stupid tv... though i can't look away...

i haven't ... you know.... in a while....

um, i did have a problem before... and i just went cold turkey to prove that i either don't have a problem or i can stop/control it..... i guess it works... because it has been a long while...

and no.. I'm not counting... (ok.. i am... hm..)

but come on, i miss it... i do... its just something i cant say that i don't honestly miss...

I'm going to say it... i miss sex... that's right... i miss the feeling and the touch of the other...
the passion, the intimacy ... you know how it goes.... or maybe not... everyone experience it in different ways...

i remember the good days.. gosh... i love the girls...

OH!!!... i bumped into an ex of mine... we "dated" in primary school... (yea.. i know.. young hey... in fact.. she was in my brother's grade.. so that is two years up.... we separated because high school happened... she went to another high school, so never saw her again.. basically) and OH MY GOOOOOOODNESS... she turned out to be super hot.... i mean she was pretty alright then.. but i was more into feelings back then.... but spank me twice and call me SAM!!! she is fucking hot now... gosh.. i wish i turned out hot... I'm pretty much the same!!... *sigh*
yea i know i know.. never too late to change how i look... but i like how i look... and i don't need to try so hard to keep the look... a strong hold is what it is...
oh, and... others don't seem to mind either... if you know what i mean.


...WHHHOOOOPPPPAAAHHH...

--------------------//

i think i feel better today... content today.. letting myself get hyped....
muck around, be childish today...
sang a few songs...

the songs " you & me" and " whatever it takes" by Lifehouse... is in my heart...
i love Lifehouse's love songs... awesome.

---------------------------------//


i joined twitter today..... i don't know why..... but i just want to try it out... and who knows... it might make me develop some sort of stalker personality.. along with myspace and facebook.... and other networking sites....

my user name is 'Toripeanut' ... if you want to take a look...

--------//

the song "Love story" by Taylor swift..... makes me think of barbie dolls and ponies.... which is odd..... but its a cute song, i could see it being played during a contemporary love movie...

---------------//

Lilly Allen..... i love her work...

have you heard her laugh?!!... its so fucking adorable!! ahhah makes you laugh with her without knowing why she is laugh.... well it doesn't matter!! her laugh is adorable...
youtube it or something....

oh i know.. the interview she did with rove...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsH2VAwMCZA

she's funny.. and her laugh is adorable.... can't miss it.

I'd love to have a go with a girl like her...
or her actually... i just hope she doesn't write a song about me after it ey.


-------------------------//


do you wear a jumper/jacket without a top underneath?
ever?

... thoughts on that..


----//

anyways... should stop now...

-[Pd]-