i messed up....

i let me anger take the best of me...

...then i started blaming everybody else around me.

, but my anger has to be triggered by something from the outside right?... it's not all be..

but i should have been smarter about it and not show it. but if i dont show it than they won't know it.

blah... fuck feelings man... fuck it.

i'm so tired, im so tired of people too....

sometimes i feel alone... then other times i feel like im around a certain person too much and i feel like im in the way and bother them.

i just dont know how to be. i just dont know.

i want to disappear for a while.

i thought about disappearing now...

but then i thought again and realise it wouldn't affect anyone but me.

"hey, what's wrong?"

i don't really know.

all i know is that im annoyed and upset.

my laziness gets the better of me.

eating , drinking, sleeping, relationships , life.

i know i'm lazy, but this is ridiculous.

i'm actually .... lazy to be in a relationship.. like, my lazy is getting in the way...

i'm not fun because i am lazy....

when i'm in a good mood then hey bring it on... but majority of the day.... i just want to be lazy.

i want to say it is because i dont have the energy because i dont sleep, but then again i can give a shit when i want to.

i like her, i really do...

shes young and she wants to do and experience everything, and i am just lazy and not amused.

i'm one of them who sits in the sun with a cup of coffee all day long... and she wants to see this, do that, go here and go there.....

i like her, i really do....

she is amazing, she makes my heart race and my mind wonder...and my horny to a top new level.

did i loose myself somewhere lately? or is something else wrong.

i'm not looking for a fling anymore yet i dont want to jump into a relationship because i am scared to death about getting hurt. i become really edgy when it comes to emotions, you can stab and beat me all you want and i will be fine but if you fuck with my emotions then im scared for life.

i like her.

i am crazy about her.

but to be honest, i get excited when other girls call me too.

i dont feel committed, faithful enough to be with her.

maybe i'm thinking too much...

she called me... she asked to be with me... she wants me,... so why am i so hesitant ...

this could be something wonderful.

...yawns...

sipping on a cup of coffee....

i feel content.

a lot has been happening, but i can't really talk about it....

it annoys me, but ..... yea, it just annoys me.

went out last night, had a good time.... drank a tad too much... wasted a lot of money on drinks.

but it was a goodnight. minus other things or some people there then it would have been awwweeesssome.

oh heeeeyyyy

i'm also free this week....but dont worry about it.. i know you have better plans with other people...

it's ok... i dont really miss you much at all.. just like how you don't miss me nor remember me( quick question... whats my name?)...

it's alright... not like i mean anything to you, like when i comfort you every single time something happens to you... like fights with your parents... bf... school... other friends...

it's alright that you blow me off when another friend suddenly is free at the same time you and i planned to hang...

remember that time when you called me coz your world was falling apart and there was no one left?.... i do.

not like, i help out or pretty much do everything for you.... like shown you things... be there for you... help out with your parties... and picked u up when u didnt have a ride....

i didnt mind helping you....

its ok.. i know i'm not as important as those other people that you call friends... the ones you tell me you hate... yet treat them with more respect than me... and royalty put together....

oh.. just because they are so judgemental that you don't want to come of as a loser to them....

its ok.. i get it... you need their eyes to be seen. i am only one, and they are many.

...and now, i love the fact... that once your beloved bf is gone... and your parents yells at you, and when your "friends" finally see how much of a loser you really are....

you have no one.

no one.

remember why we havent talked for so long?

no?

i do...

...i made one comment.

.you fail.

what would you do if i told you....

that i was told today by doctors that i have a low chance of living pass 7 or 8 months.

low chance meaning about 40% chance.

means.... they dont know how ti fix me...

means... why the fuck are they doctors..

means...

....why me.

you believe i've changed.

...maybe i have.

actually, i have.

i changed for my better....

let me ask you this, if i dont say hi to you first.... would there be a conversation for that day?

if i don't ask you to hang out, would we ever see each other?...

is that a no?.. i thought so.

you think i've become this dickhead that is so self absorbed and selfish, because i don't come around anymore... you think i found other friends so i leave you...

i think you should think again,

how can you call yourself my friend when you just take and take and take and wait to be hand fed.

have you called me lately? sms? msn? or even facebook?...

i've been quiet for a reason... and i guess it has shown me what i wanted to know.

i'm tired of you thinking that i need you, your not better than me because if you were a friend... you wouldn't think so.

i don't fucking care anymore, i can be as outlawed as i can get but at least i know that i wont waste any time and effort on anyone else, but save it for me.