i want to be straight forward...


i saw duyen today... and i felt and still feel.. a mixture of excitement, anger, frustration, happiness, shame, depressed/sad and nervous.
i feel so confuse i want to cry?
i feel like i miss her so much, so much it hurts. when i saw her i just wanted to grab her, look at her and tell her that i miss her so much and i love her. but i cant. i just cant.
i must admit.. that she is still somewhere.. well more like everywhere in me, my heart, my mind, my body.. i can still feel her and they way she used to touch me.
i dont feel like i want to let go of her but im trying to let go of her?
i have tried and still trying to move on from her and have had been is many relationships since her but they never lasted long or never meant as much to me, and sometimes i compare and not be satisfied so i let them go and dont try to work with it. duyen has such a HUGE impact on me, it seems so surreal.

im also having trouble with my current girlfriend. and its because of me. she is a wonderful girl, but i cant seem to find the comfortable spot to be open up for her to find out things about me, i feel scared sometimes... and hide myself. i dont seem as confident or rebelic as i used to anymore, i seem so fragile these days its bizzare!! and by realising and feeling that way.. its makes me even more hidden. even my close friends dont know much about me or how i feel anymore, im sorry guys..
im becoming half of what i thought i would be, i actually feel like im fading, once again i feel depressed and suicidal.

i say i just want something to love me all the time.. but .. i think what i mean is i want someone that i can be comfortable around and love them and never leave. i just wanted to point that out because i know there are many people ( friends , family) that do care about me and i appreciate that and dont want to put that down, i want someone that basically lift and pull me away from my misery ( ha! who doesnt want that), from mt thoughts and missing duyen. i think thats what is bothering me, that im still stuck on her and i cant move on and always feeling like im going to break if i step back into the outer world.

Thao and Brittney.. please stop fighting... i just explained myself right there above... i cant handle it anymore i love u two too, dont get me wrong. i just need to find .... to find something that will make me stand up straight again... thats all .. just please give me a break, please... stop the fighting and the competitions.
im having enough trouble with my gf..

i feel like im screaming in my head and making it isolate me. i dont know if i want to be left alone to think or want to be around people and not think. maybe abit of both... sometimes.. i feel like im going insane, i havent been around people much these days.... everyone is going their separate ways, "friends" arnt the same anymore, not even family. family is the less i can depend on right now.. because they are giving me the most pain. the pressure that they give, the frustration that they give, the non - appreciation that they give me, the expectations. i just cant handle it.

i've been put back on anti-depressent pills again. bumer. but then it does help me calm down which is a good thing. or else i'd be physically hurting myself right now or by now anyways. *sigh*. trying very hard not to harm myself, trying hard not to show my depressed side of me, the suicidal side of me. i wont let my moods or mood swings ruin anything.

-[Pd]-

im feeling alil uneasy at the moment... everyone around me are in really bad negative vibes... and it sucks BIG TIME!!! i dont really have anyone to talk to at the moment... and its making me depressed and going insane..!!! but then,, what can i do... i try to help and give them space to chill and think but if i give too much space they might go insane like i do!! ..

i was talking to my cousin not too long ago... and she was having some trouble with finding who she is or trying to be and totally confused , lost and hurt, and after a while... she stated that her life is like a dream then she sighed, but then.. her life cant be a dream if it hurts so much and gets her all confussed and lost, that reality, reality does that to u, maybe to teach u a lession, who knows. u just need to step back a step and observe the situation or else u will always be lost and confussed in some way. i reckon people rush too much, but why do they rush? whats the hurry.

there are so many things that i can talk about that ticks me about the way people function and gets themselves in all sorts of unwanted situations, too many to talk about right now but im sure it will turn up. no doubt....

well just wanted to say that much...

-[Pd]-

hey hey , so.. i finished my hsc like a week ago.. and signing out of school.. tried to sign out last week but i was missing some books so they wouldnt sign me out... bummer... alwell.. try again tomorrow...
um... i watched a movie today ... it was the grudge 2 with a couple of my good friends from school.. to me it was boring but other people seemed to like it..and i watched saw 3, with my cousin the recent sunday and that is what i call a good movie!!

oh yea.. lol.. me and my girl cousin picked up the same girl and we didnt know about it until yesterday... and this has been going on for two weeks...LOL... well more like she picked me up and my cousin picked her up lol.. but i have a girlfriend so... it doesnt matter with the competition..LOL...

"I was about 50 percent listening, and the other 50 percent of me was going, 'Did you really just say what I think you said?' And then I think I said: 'Goodbye. I'll talk to you soon,' and got in my car and cried for about three days."

a quote from the L word.


thats what i did the other day when i talked to my gf..

-[Pd]-

update lol

so.. its been a while since i updated about myself ... and im sorry for that...

so.. well... life is always hectic for me... currently doing my hsc... and its going ok, could be better.. but then.. everything could be better!! so no point of hoping.. um... i have no idea what im going to do after high school, i didnt even send in my TAFE applications... now its pass due date... -_-" stupid me..
i miss school.... not the work they give out... but generally school... because it gave me someplace to go and meet/ interact with people, and have friends. and also get me out of my house.

my love life is also in hectic mode. too much to handle. so many mixed emotions towards different people, i am currently with someone that doesnt seem to be official, i feel like i am interested in another and i dreamt that i was with someone else. i just cant decide on who i really really want!!!. complicated isnt it. but thats the way it is..
theres also this girl in yr 8 i think..... that keeps following me around and its making me really uncomfortable, like i see her EVERYWHERE!!! its really freaking me out and she walks around like she wants me to notice her, which makes me think shes strange and weird. i dont know what her intention is but right now shes freaking me out. i also kinda asked around about her so i can know what im dealing with and seems like... everyone that knows of her think shes a freak and such.. so.. err..

um.. i have not been sleeping for a total of exactly 2 weeks!!! turns out im in some sort of stress that overwhelms my system and my brain and not let me function properly, i am now on some sort of medication to relax my system. and the doc told me to get out and hang out... i mean like DUDE... no one to hang with,.. everyone is doing hsc!! everyone's busy and no money to go out. -_-"

um.. what else to talk about....

oh yea... have u heard of "joystick, or Dj joystick"?.... he/she or they have captured my full attention on music.. im so fasination with the sounds they produce, its a electronic/pop/RnB type music. u should listen.

umz... im so hungry

i feel so unhappy!!!

-[Pd]-