i want to be straight forward...


i saw duyen today... and i felt and still feel.. a mixture of excitement, anger, frustration, happiness, shame, depressed/sad and nervous.
i feel so confuse i want to cry?
i feel like i miss her so much, so much it hurts. when i saw her i just wanted to grab her, look at her and tell her that i miss her so much and i love her. but i cant. i just cant.
i must admit.. that she is still somewhere.. well more like everywhere in me, my heart, my mind, my body.. i can still feel her and they way she used to touch me.
i dont feel like i want to let go of her but im trying to let go of her?
i have tried and still trying to move on from her and have had been is many relationships since her but they never lasted long or never meant as much to me, and sometimes i compare and not be satisfied so i let them go and dont try to work with it. duyen has such a HUGE impact on me, it seems so surreal.

im also having trouble with my current girlfriend. and its because of me. she is a wonderful girl, but i cant seem to find the comfortable spot to be open up for her to find out things about me, i feel scared sometimes... and hide myself. i dont seem as confident or rebelic as i used to anymore, i seem so fragile these days its bizzare!! and by realising and feeling that way.. its makes me even more hidden. even my close friends dont know much about me or how i feel anymore, im sorry guys..
im becoming half of what i thought i would be, i actually feel like im fading, once again i feel depressed and suicidal.

i say i just want something to love me all the time.. but .. i think what i mean is i want someone that i can be comfortable around and love them and never leave. i just wanted to point that out because i know there are many people ( friends , family) that do care about me and i appreciate that and dont want to put that down, i want someone that basically lift and pull me away from my misery ( ha! who doesnt want that), from mt thoughts and missing duyen. i think thats what is bothering me, that im still stuck on her and i cant move on and always feeling like im going to break if i step back into the outer world.

Thao and Brittney.. please stop fighting... i just explained myself right there above... i cant handle it anymore i love u two too, dont get me wrong. i just need to find .... to find something that will make me stand up straight again... thats all .. just please give me a break, please... stop the fighting and the competitions.
im having enough trouble with my gf..

i feel like im screaming in my head and making it isolate me. i dont know if i want to be left alone to think or want to be around people and not think. maybe abit of both... sometimes.. i feel like im going insane, i havent been around people much these days.... everyone is going their separate ways, "friends" arnt the same anymore, not even family. family is the less i can depend on right now.. because they are giving me the most pain. the pressure that they give, the frustration that they give, the non - appreciation that they give me, the expectations. i just cant handle it.

i've been put back on anti-depressent pills again. bumer. but then it does help me calm down which is a good thing. or else i'd be physically hurting myself right now or by now anyways. *sigh*. trying very hard not to harm myself, trying hard not to show my depressed side of me, the suicidal side of me. i wont let my moods or mood swings ruin anything.

-[Pd]-