*sigh*

i'm feeling depressed. could it be true that my family is having troubles again? with the exactly same troubles again?. if so, am i going to go thruough the same stange of miserable-ness like i once was in?

i hope not.
i hope i've grown stronger than that, but i do feel myself weakening to every situation happening to me right now and theres no one i can talk to, well i do but no one has the patients or enough patients for troubled me. it is hard enough trying to find or make sence of things and putting them into word can just kill me, so if i could make sence of things and able to put them into words then i dont need to talk it out. simple enough isnt it? why cant most people just sit there with me, just sit, it's not hard.


i can be dramatic in the moment of things, actually i think everyone is. and i say that is because when i feel depressed i noticed i become suicidal, and i dont know if i am trying to get attention? or am i really feeling that way, or... am i just curious of what it can deliver me. i just dont know, but i'm really dramatic and serious, and my mood swings like crazy and i wonder about my mood swings as well, am i using that as an advantage to lie to myself about the current situation? and or to let me see a different side of things.

why cant we EVER follow our own advice? or are we too messed up to think to it. its like having a top view of the maze and being in the maze itself, it can be a HUGE diference.


---

i'm going to be in the hospital for the next couple of days starting tomorrow for treatment, the treatment could be dangerous because it's to the brain so i have to stay there for a couple of days so they can keep an eye on me, i hope i'll be fine though, like i told everyone.
Nicky has been praying for me, like literally praying for me, like going to church and holding and reading the bible to sleep sort of praying, extreme isnt it? but it does help me to have hope!! like i never had before, she's such a sweetheart and it melts my heart from everything she does for me. Thank you Nicky for caring so much and showing me your extreme Love and kindness. I love you more than more!! .. lol..

Thank you all of you for caring.

-[Pd]-

between

i cant think or be negative because she prays for me.



but i cant help but wonder why i'm scared of dying now, i was always ready,even encouraged myself, but why am i afraid now.

-[Pd]-

Miss P & Matt Roberts

wow.. i'd thought this day will never come... BUT IT'S HERE!!!... MISS P & MATT ROBERTS.. on a poster!! LMAO.. how can i not be so excited ey?

Matty and me , on a poster.... hahaha
friggen hillarious...













-[Pd]-

your sad eyes, they dont keep me alive, like they use to.

someone close to me said that to me today, and it made me feel sad.

-[Pd]-

hm.. so today was a pretty good ok-ish day lol.. nah it was good.

woke up... my cousin hong picked me up.. and we droped jeremy off at school then visited my high school, its nice to see everyone again, like my english teacher, some of the students like karen and carolyn.. seeing them makes me realised how much i miss them and how i miss the innocent school days, i cant believe its been a year since i've signed out of school. then hong took me to breaky... we had steak at canley hights.. lol yup a HUGE ASS STEAK for breaky.. lol..then we went to office works so she could stock up for her hsc.. then went to visit another friend name diana, all three of us went to McDonalds for ice cream, then went into harvey norman i think, to just muck around in the furniture section... then talked about moving in together and what we'll need if we do.. hahaha.. fun.. then went to woolsworth to buy some more ice cream and 4L of apple juice.. went back to diana's house so that hong and diana could study, but we didnt end up doing that.. we ended up playing a drinking game with the 4L of juice... haha and we kept laughing for some reason.. is it possible to get high from juice? coz i think we did.. anyways.. we recorded up being studpid with the drinking game... then got to the time to go home... lol..

got home.. and so bumed out, took a shower and waited for the juice to settle down so i could have dinner lol, messaged nicky for awhile during the day, then stoped coz at her workplace was busy..


well.. thats it

-[Pd]-

today, today

went out with Lisa and Anna today, also caught up with diane and Quynh only for a while though.
so anyways went out with Lisa and Anna... we ate yum cha, then caught a movie then shoped around for a while then ate again then went home.. pretty tired right now.. oh,, and also took some of those thingy pictures, dream pictures? i think.

umz... not much happening lately.. just really tired.. and dont feel like actually doing anything... but still i do, do things.. just to hang out with the people i love and try to please them... incase anything major happens to me or to anyone else or to anything at all.

yes yes.... thats it,,

-[Pd]-

wasted

i dont know just what i'll do
everytime you walk into the room
oh my head is spinning round
and i cant see clearly right now
im wasted, im so wasted on you
i dont knw if i'll survive
in this magical land behind your eyes
and theres all these funny little men
their all asking me to dance and sing
im wasted, im so wasted on you
red and yellow pink and green purple and orange and blue
are all the colours i see my love, everytime i see you
im wasted, just so wasted on you.

-[Pd]-

so... whats up you guys?
lol..
just updating... but hm... what to say...

well just had a dramatic ep... went to the hospital and stayed there for um.. 2nights.. but im fine now..

went out with nicky again today, vivian also came along.. it was nicky's nephew(s)'s birthday parties today .. so it was like a kids party lol... at a park very far from where i live lol.. but really nice there, also got to met her family!!... lol.. i felt it was too soon to met family.. but did it anyways lol.. but the great thing is that they are a kool bunch.. realllllly realllly kool bunch lol.. i wish my family is like that lol..

i think hanging out with nicky is actually easing my stress and im able to sleep now...because i noticed that everytime i see her or have a really long conversation with her then i sleep that night..and pretty well as well.

i dont know where or what kind of relations nicky and me are having or heading..

Marilyn went home last night... yup... flew all the way back..to america.. i think i disapointed her abit with her stay here.. didnt have THAT much time with her.. i think i take a trip in return to see her... i feel so bad...

hm.. work has been really hectic... not allowed to work at the moment.... they wont let me!!.... i told them that i am fine... but they just wont let me.. so i dont know whats going on at work... ARGH!!... thats why i had a day off and went out with nicky lol..

um.. hi helen.. i know your reading this.. so i'd just thought i'd say hi.. lol

wellp.. this be it for this post.. take care!!

-[