mercy

in my eyes she can do no wrong
in her mind i'm a little child
she's the words in my favorite song
but to her i am juvenile

i'm the love she will never love
i'm the friend that she calls a friend
and if i'm not the careful crush
i'll be one heart, just one and then

mercy mercy have on me
leave me broken but leave me be
distance hurts a thousand miles
so stay where you are for a little while

and mercy mercy sing my song
lyrics always felt so wrong
sell my soul to change the rhyme
make you wanting and make you mine

in her mind i'm a troubled soul
i've pretended and played it cool
there's a place where i don't belong
and myself i have made a fool

-[Pd]-

Every shred of hope collides in your heart
with the fear of losing what you've just given up
As the moments pass you pray to survive
All these lonely minutes that once kept you alive

Try to change the expression that's worn out your face
As you lose the momentum of your past living ways
Every song is a channel for the memories to keep
floating in your head as you're left asking

Why did I choose to let it all go
Was it the fear of needing or the doubts I let show
I never gave up fighting
I never said goodbye
So why? Why did we let go?..

Every day is a new breath, but the battle's still on
trying hard to elude them by keeping my head strong
Still I feel the exhaustion of wanting your kiss
As I'm left here asking the same damn question

You never showed that you were scared of losing me
And You...
You didn't fight to make me stay in your arms

So I'm left asking...

-[Pd]-

I’ve been patiently waiting
I can’t think of the words to say
And it’s getting frustrating
This is honestly killing me
I’ve been meaning to ask you
But my awkward tongue gets in the way
There’s a thousand things I want to say
So break some pieces off of me
I can only wait until the end
Go break some pieces off of me
Baby, this is just the beginning

-[Pd]-

i have never been so low thinking about people before....


theres nothing happening... and i think that's the problem.

i start to think,
to wonder

about anything and everything
even things i shouldn't be thinking about
then i would get hurt and lonely = emo
yes i turn myself emo thinking about people...

people in my life.... makes me insanely emo.

i don't speak my mind enough or at all to them,
i don't tell them how i feel about them...
i am scared of being hurt and i know i will hurt when i open to someone, because i would let myself feel.

I'm not saying that i am cold hearted, that i don't feel happiness or sadness, i do, i feel happiness and sadness and passion and guilt and rage.... etc.

i just don't like opening myself up to others, to reply on others emotionally because i know one day... just one day, they wont be there...
it could be just for that day when i really need them or forever since that day...
what will i do then? how will i cope...

i still cant cope or have a normal day or not be emo... since this particular friend and i stopped or decreased our communication... it happened so suddenly and she was gone til now (she didn't go anywhere... she just stop being in my life and seeing me, less to no communication) i think about her everyday, because she use to be in my life everyday.
i still cant cope, i opened up to her... i depended on her, i love her... and now my heart is breaking.


i try to be nice to people, and I'm starting to think they are taking it and me for granted, i get brushed off/cancelled/rain-checked to easily.
its true that i don't have much to do and am available most of the time, but that doesn't mean i like to be re-scheduled all the time. i don't want to be your un-attendance plan, why cant i be top priority for once.

i'm moody.

i'm sad


-[Pd]-

ok, so... lets see what to write....

lets start with.... theres a guy living at my house for a few days... I'm suppose to be marrying him, but we'll see.

um.. work, has been pretty tight right now... the holiday season arriving,
christmas ... and news years... and such...

yea.. i dunno what else to say....

hello how are you? how about you tell me about your days.... and lives... and drama... and non-drama... anything.. im cool about it

OH... i just discovered that theres apparently this something called "2 girls 1 cup"... (yea im abit slow... i just discovered it tonight actually), and it um...
lol i actually have no idea how to comment on this one... its gross and nasty.... but yet i wonder what the person who thought about it was thinking...
for those of you who DONT know it( lol like me a few hours ago).. its about two girls making out and such then out of no where one of the girl takes a shit in a cup and both of the girls would lick/eat it ... then seem like they like it then vommit it out on into each others mouths .... REPEATLY.... i wonder how much they got paid for that fucked up movie. i watched youtube videos about viewers reactions... its so funny... because there was a challange on emails that was sent around... and yea.. lol..


goodnighty.

-[Pd]-

OK, I'm going to talk about something..... even though its an old topic... but i think about it... sometimes to always.... and it's just heavy on mind right now...

its about a girl....
that i interest in or like or love... whatever you want to call it, for the last four years and still counting... the "was" straight girl.... (yea i got to describe like that because i cant use names..... because if i do... some day, some how it will bite me on the butt....) well, i was talking to a friend, and she kind of just brought up on how we use to talk... the first few times we talked( way back when we first knew each other) and the topic that kept us talking was how we were both in a similar situation of girl dilemmas, and mine was about the "was" straight girl, except that she WAS straight then, and how much i want her and etc... and i just realised that I'm still in the same shit position with her, i don't think i have ever really moved. maybe just a shift... but i never have really moved, its been four long years, and i am still here.

i do wonder if she ever thinks about what I'm going or might be going through, because she knows i like her and i have told her.. and she has brushed me off, but i wonder if she ever thinks about it.
i know the general surface is that we are friends/good friends, but i wonder about whats below the surface. But to be completely honest... i do wonder but i don't know if i want to know, i am generally fine with the way things are, but i do crack once in a while.
i don't feel like we are as close as we use to be, her scene changed and she is more surrounded with other people and her friends now and i feel misplaced in her world, and we don't keep in contact as often either and it pulls me down because it all happened so suddenly and fast, i miss her, and it feels great when she pops back in my life or day even just for a little while.

my friend says i defend her, when i talk about her or how my feelings are when I'm feeling down....
and my friend also said that if when you defend someone, you got it bad for them...

is that it?, do i? do i got it bad for her?








yea, its pretty bad by the looks of it.

but why.





why...


the song "gravity" by Sara Brailles, is to exactly how i feel about her.
here are the lyrics...

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend(well she is a friend just not so much around) nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down

Keeping me down
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long...


........ *sigh*

I'm being emo about her again, i just cant help it.... gets to me sometimes...
i'm having a psych moment now, i think i should go....

-[Pd]-