OK, I'm going to talk about something..... even though its an old topic... but i think about it... sometimes to always.... and it's just heavy on mind right now...

its about a girl....
that i interest in or like or love... whatever you want to call it, for the last four years and still counting... the "was" straight girl.... (yea i got to describe like that because i cant use names..... because if i do... some day, some how it will bite me on the butt....) well, i was talking to a friend, and she kind of just brought up on how we use to talk... the first few times we talked( way back when we first knew each other) and the topic that kept us talking was how we were both in a similar situation of girl dilemmas, and mine was about the "was" straight girl, except that she WAS straight then, and how much i want her and etc... and i just realised that I'm still in the same shit position with her, i don't think i have ever really moved. maybe just a shift... but i never have really moved, its been four long years, and i am still here.

i do wonder if she ever thinks about what I'm going or might be going through, because she knows i like her and i have told her.. and she has brushed me off, but i wonder if she ever thinks about it.
i know the general surface is that we are friends/good friends, but i wonder about whats below the surface. But to be completely honest... i do wonder but i don't know if i want to know, i am generally fine with the way things are, but i do crack once in a while.
i don't feel like we are as close as we use to be, her scene changed and she is more surrounded with other people and her friends now and i feel misplaced in her world, and we don't keep in contact as often either and it pulls me down because it all happened so suddenly and fast, i miss her, and it feels great when she pops back in my life or day even just for a little while.

my friend says i defend her, when i talk about her or how my feelings are when I'm feeling down....
and my friend also said that if when you defend someone, you got it bad for them...

is that it?, do i? do i got it bad for her?








yea, its pretty bad by the looks of it.

but why.





why...


the song "gravity" by Sara Brailles, is to exactly how i feel about her.
here are the lyrics...

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend(well she is a friend just not so much around) nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down

Keeping me down
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long...


........ *sigh*

I'm being emo about her again, i just cant help it.... gets to me sometimes...
i'm having a psych moment now, i think i should go....

-[Pd]-