i have never been so low thinking about people before....


theres nothing happening... and i think that's the problem.

i start to think,
to wonder

about anything and everything
even things i shouldn't be thinking about
then i would get hurt and lonely = emo
yes i turn myself emo thinking about people...

people in my life.... makes me insanely emo.

i don't speak my mind enough or at all to them,
i don't tell them how i feel about them...
i am scared of being hurt and i know i will hurt when i open to someone, because i would let myself feel.

I'm not saying that i am cold hearted, that i don't feel happiness or sadness, i do, i feel happiness and sadness and passion and guilt and rage.... etc.

i just don't like opening myself up to others, to reply on others emotionally because i know one day... just one day, they wont be there...
it could be just for that day when i really need them or forever since that day...
what will i do then? how will i cope...

i still cant cope or have a normal day or not be emo... since this particular friend and i stopped or decreased our communication... it happened so suddenly and she was gone til now (she didn't go anywhere... she just stop being in my life and seeing me, less to no communication) i think about her everyday, because she use to be in my life everyday.
i still cant cope, i opened up to her... i depended on her, i love her... and now my heart is breaking.


i try to be nice to people, and I'm starting to think they are taking it and me for granted, i get brushed off/cancelled/rain-checked to easily.
its true that i don't have much to do and am available most of the time, but that doesn't mean i like to be re-scheduled all the time. i don't want to be your un-attendance plan, why cant i be top priority for once.

i'm moody.

i'm sad


-[Pd]-