its one of those times where i feel lonely.. again.

its one of those times when i miss people... again..

its one of those times where i start to doubt myself, so much that i can barely smile.

.... i feel blah.

i feel like i need to reconnect with people... say hello more often, smile and wave more often.

but i also feel like all that effort will just disappoint me again, because i know there will be at some point that i will eventually reach again where i feel myself being over the edge.. being too much, clingy, needy, in your face... towards another and will step back and fall right back into this ditch i am currently in.

i've tired/been dating a few different people in the last...... month or so...

hooking up, picking up, going on dates, talk sessions, relax sessions, sex sessions....

all these different people and yet i couldn't find the hype.

my excitement lasts short, my attention lasts short...

or, have the people i been seeing really dull, too easy?

thats it.... do i need a challenge?

i need someone that will challenge my mind.

surprise me, baffle me, demand me, teach me, even scare me...

i need a challenge.

not a friend, but a girl.

older women?

a fierce gal?

a mind terrorist?

.... lets jump a plane.

i spend my days feeling exhausted.

i feel bored with myself, with no aim. no goal.

i spend my nights feeling exhausted.

i lay awake, tossing and turning in the cold.

i feel bored with myself, with the aim to sleep , such a simple task. yet i am unable to achieve it.

i don't know how to cope anymore,

i'm sick and tired.

i'm depressed.

i'm freaking out.

i'm scared.

help me?

i have been such a girl lately that i am annoyed at myself.

i heart this photo, and the day it happened.

ok, so i am frustrated.

i know i become distant once in a while, often.

it's not you, it's me.. honest.

i'm afraid of being depended on you, in whatever way that i feel comfortable around you, i'm afraid of being depending on you, on people...

don't take things too personal until you understand why...

people get angry and assume way too early in a situation.

blah.. what am i saying.....!!!!!!!

i guess what im saying is... or trying to say is..

that, i feel distant to people at the moment and most of the time i don't know why.

i feel like being by myself lately, but so want to be with people... that's hard to please.

i don't seem to get amuse so easily lately either, neither horny.. and yes i find that strange and out of the ordinary for me.

i miss matt.

i miss talking to him

i miss hugging him

i miss his laugh

i miss his stupid smile

i miss being on the phone with him

i miss his voice

i miss him calling me babe

i miss him being the first to say goodmorning and the last to say goodnight, everyday

i miss having coffee with him

i miss the stars with him

i miss his warmth

i miss his heart

i miss his mind

i miss him kissing me on the forehead when im sad n upset

i miss him telling me that he loves me

i miss telling him that i love him

i miss my matty.

if only i said yes to him, he would still be here...

so i found out her name...

Karen...

I FUCKING HATE KAREN!! GGRRRR

FUCKING HATE HER!!

stupid mother fucker!! i hope u suffer.

when you talk online with somebody...

and they become quiet, does it bother you?

what could they be doing that made then move from talking heaps to being totally mia

and finally they say something and its a "brb"

.... i know i don't say much when i'm online, so i could be a total douche for complaining...

i kinda do wonder what the person i'm talking to is doing on the other side...

i dont know...

i thought this could be a way of starting a conversation..

so.. hello i know i just posted something like less than an hour ago but...

the people i were talking to all went offline.. so...

or maybe i should sleep, my sleeping time is getting later and later, i dont want to start sleeping at 2-4am anymore and the earlier i sleep, the more sleep i get because i have broken sleep where i nap and wake every 30mins to an hour.. then stay up for about another 30mins to an hour then drift in and out and in and out again...

i haven't eaten all day =/

yeah, i should sleep now. goodnight

its been a sad couple of months, im not gonna lie..

but i have no ideal on how to amuse myself anymore

i just lost it.

what happened to me

so here's something i want to talk about..after a couple of months with nothing...

i just tried explaining this to cooper, she got it but still confused.

my trans-gender fascination is floating around..

and i was trying to explain to cooper that.. if i could pick my guy to my desire, like to marry and make babies with...

i'd pick a trans guy (not sure if the baby thing is going to be easy but yea..).

and by trans guy i mean FTM (female to male)

(technically, after the process of the change they are not named trans-gendered any more, but fall under heterosexual)

and to make it clear that.. if its forever, its about the mind.. the body is a bonus.

anyway,

why i pick a trans guy is for his personality really...

i like the tomboy personality from a girl... in a boy.

when a guy is a guy, i dont feel like they understand as much as i would like them to, i'm not saying everyone is the same, it's just i think its hard to find the perfect one.... and my perfect one is probably alot to ask for, complicated even.

but i like... the boy mind from a girl.... in a boy..

i dont want a girly boy.

i dont want a boyish girl.

i dont want a lesbian confused boy either.

i like my girls to be girls, and i want my boys to care and not be gay about it.

confused? i know it's complicated.

also, i've been asked again... because i have been so into this whole trans thing...

do i wish to change....?

no, i don't wish to change, i just respect what they do...

i think it's brave, it's brave for them to do something about it, to find happiness by changing mankind, the world. their world.

there are difference for being gay , bi , lesbian , trans.

and no, i dont think its a choice,

i think it just takes realisation.

(how did you know when you are straight? did you decided to be straight? did you try to kiss that boy/girl to see if you didnt like it? no.)

most people don't get what the difference are between them,

bi-sexual is when you are attracted to both female and male.

gay and lesbian is being attracted to the same gender.

trans-gender is when your gender mind and your gender body does not match.

i am a bi-sexual.

not to lie.... some people use this transition for the wrong, for the silly, for the ugly.. and i fucking hate it, it's disgusting.

i think its disgusting that the world still has not yet to recognise the gays , lesbians, bi-sexuals and trans of the world.

i would like to marry the person i love, and you can't help who you fall for. it's not the gender, but the person themselves.

and i think allowing man to marry objects , anime characters, pillows, cats /animals, and girl marrying her dead bf's spirit... is ridiculous. fucking ridiculous.

..ahhhh mind overload.

today, i met the cutest .... trans-gendered guy, ever.

or any guy.

i find him interesting

very interesting, and i am very curious.

i find him attractive.

hello, blog.

so i haven't spoken to you properly for the last few months....

i'm sorry.

alot has been on my mind.

besides having problems... nothing else really happens.

i miss matt heaps though, i keep having dreams about him.

i'm drinking alot more, staying home alot less.

..i guess i got what i asked for.

it felt like a hardcore slap of truth to the face.

..with a slight misunderstanding.

i dont know, my mind is a mess and i can't do anything about it because i dont know what to do.