i feel like shit, thanks for asking.

So i'm sitting here talking with my mum because i feel bad for rejecting her wanting to bond the whole day today. We both felt irritated.
I feel irritated which made her feel pissed because she can't get anything out of me.
and then telling me off, which made me more frustrated on top of being irritated.

Rawr, but we're cool now... we just needed a little time, and me to crack a joke.

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i feel like i'm going through the ... the same feel of neglect i felt from the high school days.

like, theres so much hate and absence ...and misunderstanding.

no one talks anymore, they just speak.

im tired.

have you ever felt like you've had enough, like so much that you can't handle it any more?

but nothing is happening?

i feel that way right now.

the weekends are the worse for me, a bunch of people come over and mess up my shit, be noisy, eat my food and get drunk and default make me drive them home.

i'm just sitting here waiting for an opportunity to get out of this house, waiting for someone ( that is not family) to say HEY thats hang.

i don't want to ask all the time, i know people get annoyed and some have work or is tired from work. i guess im lucky that i have weekends off.

people be telling me to relax.. why do you want to go out all the time for.. its a weekend and you dont have work so relax..

yea, relaxing isn't a thing that my family knows about... they dont leave me alone.

there are always people, noise, and chores.

i heart my family but they don't know the meaning of " please let me sit down for two seconds".

i'm tired of being the little one that gets bossed around.

what if i go out and get drunk and make them pick me up, at any hour of the day.asap.

every couple of days.

i just want to go out.

i need to move out.

We Wear the Mask - Paul Laurence Dunbar

We wear the mask that grins and lies
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes
This debt we pay to human guile
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties

Why should the world be over wise
In counting all our tears and sighs
Nay, let them see us only while
We wear the mask

We smile, but oh great Christ our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet and long the mile
But let the world dream otherwise
We wear the mask

so like, I'm just sitting in on the edge of my bed thinking and hoping not to die just yet.... i had s quick thought to myself that hey, this looks like a story i wish someone would care enough to write it, or about it, or about me one day....

but then again no one is here with me so who could.

so i will.

alone in this bed, i feel like i can't seek comfort... i am afraid as hell of what's to come or the possibility of coming. i was told one day that this is going to happen, with such prediction,such preparation... yet i still find myself watching and waiting with such... unknowing.

i am afraid as hell, but i don't know how to seek comfort, i feel like i can only ask for so much... like it is limited to me. i feel people move away from me once i become more emotionally open, every step i take forward, they take a step back.

i don't want to bother people, but i am freaking out.

maybe it is just easier to joke around and act tough.

just like how it's always been.

i guess that is how i should deal with this right now, act tough and scare the frightened away.

my brain is bleeding, i don't want to go to the hospital because i am afraid as hell.

instead, i will hang tough and wait for another day or two and hope and pray to ...... that it passes.

i'm crying, i'm allowed to cry right?

i just took a sleeping pill, i hope to sleep it off.. stupid i know but its all i got right now.

i feel like dying.

can you relate?

feeling very... insane right now.