so like, I'm just sitting in on the edge of my bed thinking and hoping not to die just yet.... i had s quick thought to myself that hey, this looks like a story i wish someone would care enough to write it, or about it, or about me one day....

but then again no one is here with me so who could.

so i will.

alone in this bed, i feel like i can't seek comfort... i am afraid as hell of what's to come or the possibility of coming. i was told one day that this is going to happen, with such prediction,such preparation... yet i still find myself watching and waiting with such... unknowing.

i am afraid as hell, but i don't know how to seek comfort, i feel like i can only ask for so much... like it is limited to me. i feel people move away from me once i become more emotionally open, every step i take forward, they take a step back.

i don't want to bother people, but i am freaking out.

maybe it is just easier to joke around and act tough.

just like how it's always been.

i guess that is how i should deal with this right now, act tough and scare the frightened away.

my brain is bleeding, i don't want to go to the hospital because i am afraid as hell.

instead, i will hang tough and wait for another day or two and hope and pray to ...... that it passes.

i'm crying, i'm allowed to cry right?

i just took a sleeping pill, i hope to sleep it off.. stupid i know but its all i got right now.