i'm feeling kinda....
um,
crazy.... abit mixed....
like... of happy, excited, horny, depressed, nervous, dark/twisted, and yea.. all that jibby jabber....
... i'm watching alfie.
hm.... i think alfie is a good movie... its a movie i could understand well enough to feel.
ok, honestly.... right now im alittle..... actually ALOT...... unsettled... i cant sit still, my heart is racing, my blood is pumping... my ears are burning..... my mind is spinnin.... my palms are sweaty... even though its raining and cold like crazy right now...
my fingers are twitching, my eyes are dry.....my mouth is dry.. !!!!!!
absolutely going crazy, feel like exploding.
is this the affect of trying to stay clean?
i have been too, to so inappropriate with Nicky for the last few days, its not even funny anymore. well not just her, but mainly her... is it because i know there is absolutely NOTHING stopping me? and the fact that she plays along most to all of the time.... encourages me to continue??......
been thinking heaps about girls... my mind have been lingering, and craving... and ARGH so many feelings right now....
i had a stupid moment yesterday... i was walkign to get some food... and a friend from high school (in the same grade as me) walked towards me to walk pass me, and she smiled and say hi to me.... i was so fucked up in the moment of thinking how cute she is that i said hey and kept walking!!!, seems so rude of me... should have stopped and talked abit... even though we never really talked before...
and right before that, i kept looking at this girl that i thought was another girl from my grade.... i kept looking, but i didnt have my glasses on so i couldnt realyl see for sure... but i dont think it was her, if it was then she would have waves or said something... she usually does.
i went home... and just thought about them..... wanting them as well... and pissing myself coz of how "unprofessional" i was being.....
i completely stayed home today..... to avoid anymore triggers... but Nicky got me again today... it's like she knows what triggers me now, and i personally feel afraid of that, once a girl or anyone gets to the point that they have figured me out... i start to panic... i loose my ground abit... and of course i had to expect it from Nicky.. she works with people so closely everyday... she kows how to adapt to people... heck she even opened me up to her in such a short time of knowing her, beats the record of anybody else too..
gar, point is..... im feeling very frustrated..... general frustration and sexually frustrated. and there are temptations and loaded guns... magnets.... everywhere... and a amazingly hot cake around that i have been wanting for years .... so close to me.....
i cant control myself anymore, i cant be charming, i cant be funny, i cant be serious.... i just cant hold myself together...
i need to do something about this, because i know that if i dont then i might explode on the wrong moment and person, and that can cost many things... like a friendship even.
ok, i need to stop..... thats enough venting.... now its trying to control the mind.... mind over matter!!! .... i wish i can control right now...
but i'll think of something...
oh fuck, seeing Nicky tomorrow...
-[Pd]-
