"Somewhere inside me there was a me that wanted to stay alive, whether I knew that me yet or not. The possibility of that began to tip that scales towards life. And then there was the fact that it was me and only me who could actually answer the question of to be or not to be. I took that to mean that if life had endowed me with the responsibility of wrestling with a question like that, then it stood to reason that it had also given me some means by which I could choose life over death with a minimum of suffering. Somewhere inside me there was an identity I could live with that would allow me to be both girl and boy-- and neither to boot. The me I'm being today is the result of that reasoning, and I'm having a pretty good life. But that's my life. Your life is a different story.
Try this: Imagine the world as a place where anyone can safely and even joyfully express themselves the way they've always wanted to. Nothing about the bodies they were born with or what they choose to do with those bodies-- how they dress the, or decorate, or trim, or augment them--would get people laughed at, or targeted, or in any way deprived of their rights. Can you imagine a world like that?
Stay with that image for a moment and envision yourself as the kind of person who lives happily and contentedly in that world. What gives you pleasure? What are the components of your identity that allow for that pleasure? How many components of that envisioned identity can you put in place in your real life in order to achieve real pleasure?
Envisioning the achievement of this kind of pleasure means that we need to talk about the deal with that which enables it: our desire and our sexuality. Sexuality is more than who we're attracted to. It is more than what we like to do in bed. It is a social identity. It is the was we experience the world around us in a positive, life-affirm-ing way.
Think about someone you're attracted to-- a movie star, or real person, or someone out of a comic or game. Anyone. Even someone you're not supposed to be attracted to but are. Just imagine that the two of you life each other in a really nice sort of way, and it makes you smile just to be sitting next to that person.
Now, how do you feel compared to how you felt just a moment ago, before you thought of the object of your affection? That's how thinking about--and coming to terms with-- sexuality can help you want to go on living.
Try this advanced mode of the exercise you just did: imagine sweet sex with a really great person or persons, and it's making both or all of you feel great. Go on, think of the best sex you've ever thought of, even if you've never had that kind of sex. Think about every kind of sex you can think of, especially if you're a virgin in any kind of sex and even if some people say it's not right for you to think about it.
Can you imagine being the kind of person who had that kind of sweet sex and relationship? If you can imagine it, you are completely capable of taking steps to realize it. It's a matter of trusting someone enough to let them know who you really are. Trust yourself first. You've managed to stay alive for the last few pages of some pretty heavy stuff. You've trusted me to more or less make sense of choosing life over death. That's how you trust other people. Just like that. Trust them to help you explore and understand your desire and sexuality.
I've long wanted to give my sexuality a name so that I could better understand it, and share it with other people. I tried to call myself a lesbian. I love women. I always have. All the big loves of my life have been women, including the three I've loved deeply enough to call my wife. I've wed three women, but I'm not a lesbian. I would have sex with Christian Slater, Johnny Depp, or David Duchovny in a New York minute. I just don't want a romantic relationship with any of them. Well, maybe Johnny Depp. Does that make me bisexual? No, because the textbooks tell me that bisexuals are men or women who loves men and women, and that gets me back to not being a man or woman.
I've tried to explain my sexuality using the words sadomasochistic femme bottom. Whoa! This is really easy to explain without having to warn you about sexual explicit material coming up. Sadomasochistic means that pain is something I can play with erotically, and that I enjoy playing safely, sanely, and consensually with other people who like to play with pain erotically. Femme means I like being girly, I like making butch women smile, and it makes me happy when someone thinks I'm cute. And bottom means that I like to be the one who's taking the pain, not that ones who gives it. I've been an owned and collared slave, but I've also been a not-so-successful professional dominatrix. Still, how can I really be a sadomasochist when I enjoy plain old sweet-a-lot, laugh-a-lot, scream-a-lot vanilla sex so much? Like everything else, understanding my sexuality is a matter of having an appreciation for the ways in which my desire and pleasure changes.
Right now, I'm having the time of my life being a tranny dyke. Goodness, do you think I planned on that?
We all want an identity that makes life worth living. The good news is, you get to decide what pleases you and makes you feel the most secure. You get to decide which identity you are going to be or not be. you can explore the nature of your desire through either sex or gender. How about a gender identity that celibate, or that has sex with itself? Or sex with some deity? Have you explored all the possibilities?"
will be continued...
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-[Pd]-
