i woke up and i felt you holding me, i smelt your scent.

maybe i just miss you too much.

i cried as i lay there in bed remembering how you use to hold me while we slept and i would wake and still be in your arms.

i try to smile today... but all i feel is pain.

today was a lie, i am not fine...

i guess i just said that i was fine because i still don't want to believe that this is happening...

and that i didn't want to stay in the moment of pain, i just want to remember the good with you and not the fact that i will never see you again.

i drank a can of mother today.. the energy drink.. and i miss how you would mock the attitude of whats written on it...

the can says " If you need a MOTHER of an energy hit, you need MOTHER. It delivers double the hit in a big black can. So now when a mate turns up with a wussy-sized can, you can raise your MOTHER up and proudly say ' did yours come with a man bag'."

and, " WARNING! high caffeine content... OK, we know that's why you're drinking it but our lame legal guys made us warn you not to feed this to kids, up the duff women or the weak who just can't tolerate it."

i love the mock.

i love you matt.

my best friend, my love Matt Roberts, has past away this morning.

Matt Roberts is the greatest man i know, the most genuine, the most awesome.

i sat all day just thinking

i fail towards saying how i feel, i just cried uncontrollably when i feel like saying something.

i am very thankful that i do have friends around for me to run to.

thank you shane, for running to my rescue.

thank you sara for letting me cry it out..

thank you helen for letting me back in.

thank you sylvie for the hug

and thank you nicky for the offer.

Dear Mattybear.

i wish we had more time together, still i wouldn't know what to say...

i hope you know how much you mean to me, how much i love and adore you

you are my man, and i am your girl... you are my hero because you protect me, you take care of me, you inspire me.

i miss you matt

i am only $340 away from buying you a plane ticket to Australia like i promised.

i was getting so excited to see you again, to feel your mighty bear hugs and kisses again.

i was excited.

i knew there was something wrong, because you would never leave without telling me where your going and when you'll be back... you just disappeared this time, and now you are really gone.

it hurts so much to know this, but i have to say it because it's true...

you will always and be forever in my heart.

i'm sorry that i pushed u away. i love u so much.

i'm sorry i didn't marry you. i'm sorry i pushed you to LA, but i wanted you to live your life, i saw how powerful you are in your career and i didn't want you to sit back with me...

i was scared of being committed, i was so young and i just only stepped on 18.

but i love you. i miss you.

i'm mad, because i know your family was only trying to protect me from worrying about you when you were in a coma for the last two weeks... i know they had hope you will come out from it and continue your life, but i'm mad that they didn't let me know.... and now its too late.

i never got to say my good bye, i never got the chance to pray for you.

I'm sorry i couldn't be by your side, i'm sorry that i couldn't be by your bed side.

your mother called me at 8am this morning, telling me the news... i couldn't believe it, i thought she was joking or freaking out because you haven't spoken to any of us for the last 2 weeks...

you are my hero, and heros don't die.

so i couldn't believe it, i'm sorry i didn't cry for you when she told me.... i'm sorry it took me a while to cry for you, i guess i was just so shocked that i couldn't cry.. i was just blank.

i didn't cry until i sat still and support was around.

she told me that she was on her way to the air port to go to LA, and she will try to take you home, i hope you'll make it home. i want to see you one more time.

i'm also mad that you don't send me pictures/photos or webcam with me while you're there... it's been 2 years since i saw what you really look like, and since then its just that one facebook profile picture. why do you always have to be such a mischief, i don't like surprises, i like things to be constant. i like to see your face, your cheeky smile, your dreamy eyes. i didn't want to wait to see what you look like in person, i just wanted a photo. it takes 5 seconds.

i don't mean to be mad.... i just don't know how to be right now...

i don't know how i will be now that you are not here anymore, you were always here, everyday.

you always know when something is happening, as if you are here and one step ahead of time itself.

maybe its about time i got your name on my heart? like how you got my name on yours.

remember when we use to play games... so childish.

i miss your random back flips... we'll just be walking down the street and out of no where you would chuck a back flip...

i miss your cooking, everything you cooked... even those yucky protein shakes you make me drink. i especially miss your pancakes, perfect pancakes made by a perfect man.

what if we did get married... what if i had moved there with you... what if you were still here with me. what if you didn't get into that taxi that morning.

i hope you know how much you mean to me,

i know i get mad at you a lot, but you know i like to sook, and i know you like to tease.

i miss your voice

i'll miss your work, your music

your genius.

you are my man, my hero.

i love you and i will never forget you.

i hope you find your way and rest in peace.

i'll see you soon mattybear, very soon.

love you ~_^.v

my health is becoming worse.

i'm forced to come in to see the doctors every within two weeks.

what a life huh?.

FML.

would it be better if i just take it out now?... or wait til it is officially dead.

either way, it will never be normal again.

either way, i will never be myself again.

i try to stay calm.... but i freak out every second of the day, the night...

i don't believe that i sleep anymore, ever?

i live on bread and water....

FML.

how do i turn this frown upside down...?... hm.

hang upside down?

-[Pd]-

Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want

Somewhere there's speaking, it's already coming in Oh and it's rising in the back of your mind You never could get it unless you were fed it Now you're here, and you don't know why 
But under skinned knees and the skid marks Past the places where you used to learn You howl and listen, listen and wait for The echoes of angels who won't return  He's everything you want, he's everything you need He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be He says all the right things at exactly the right time But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why  You're waiting for someone to put you together You're waiting for someone to push you away There's always another wound to discover There's always something more you wish he'd say  He's everything you want, he's everything you need He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be He says all the right things at exactly the right time But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why  But you'll just sit tight and watch it unwind It's only what you're asking for And you'll be just fine with all of your time It's only what you're waiting for  Out of the island and into the highway Past the places where you might have turned You never did notice, but you still hide away Anger of angels who won't return  He's everything you want, he's everything you need He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be He says all the right things at exactly the right time But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why  I am everything you want, I am everything you need I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be I say all the right things at exactly the right time But I mean nothing to you, and I don't know why  And I don't know why Why, why I don't know

where are the days where i actually smile, truly and purely.

ARGH, i can't take it anymore... i can't find a way to completely vent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!

crap... i just made another problem....

or made a problem worse...

was fun.. until reality hit...

i'm sorry to you both.

i want my mr to look like that.

hm... all the matts i know kinda looks the same...

all great looking ~_^.v

................................ lifes been crap lately..

so fucking crap, theres no point in trying to fix anymore, no fucking point.

i hate little mistakes/misunderstandings.

you know what?

fuck misunderstandings...

mistakes, i dont mind so much because you can learn from it and it'll probably happen again and you can take a different step....

....just take a breath and move on really.

my kidney hasn't been improving... i am so stressed out about that... i might have to have it removed... i don't want to.

i'm getting married.

i'm missing a friend.

i'm crying heaps.

i'm always medicated.

so much pressure from home, work, friends.... from all i need.

my attitude is, i just want to fuck it and move on...

but deep down, i'm drowning in tears and stress and pain... i just want to let it out.. all out....

i need to get away.. planned to go to vietnam in nov.

i hope it happens.

i'm getting married... and i'm dying.. who the fuck wants to marry a dying bride.

loosing people in my life.... loosing the bondage.. the connection... it'll never recover.

fml.

fml, indeed.

-[Pd]-

so much has happened since last post, dont know if i could or should list them all...

what i will say is,

i feel like i've lost a friend, i don't have many friends so it feels like my world is ending.

i feel betrayed....

feeling insecure and needy.

and i'm going to literally loose a part of me. i'm dying.