If I give up on you I give up on me
If we fight what's true, will we ever be
Even God himself, and the faith I knew
Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you
Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as I am
And live our lives, stigmatized
I can feel the blood rushing through my veins
When I hear your voice, driving me insane
Hour after hour day after day
Every lonely night that I sit and pray
We live our lives on different sides
But we keep together you and I
Just live our lives, stigmatized
We'll live our lives, we'll take the punches every day
We'll live our lives I know we're gonna find our way
I believe in you
Even if no one understands
I believe in you, and I don't really give a damn
If we're stigmatized
-[Pd]-
Friday, April 28, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
changing too fast, cant keep up.
Thao asked me today.. that if i was serious about her(and her pregnancy), and if i was still thinking of my ex's specifically Duyen. she asks that because her reasons to believe i still think about them are pretty high.. in other words.. insecurity.. because of the baby and all. i guess i have been pretty distracted lately but still there is no reason for her to.. think this way? the past is the past, and i have said that I'm trying to move on with my life now. she also asked me about Duyen, and who i feel about her, as she asked that i felt uncomfortable and felt that it was a very personal question, almost offended?. does that mean i still feel something for her? i didnt know how to answer Thao so i said i have forgotten her, for the sake of lying and easing her insecurities, please forgive me i dont mean to lie. i also felt myself hesitated alot when she asked me the questions and i guess she saw that, and hasnt letten it down.
i think that why she asked me these questions is because yesturday we bumped into one of my ex and i kinda got pulled away by the moment and i guess i forgotten her for a sec. i havent seen my ex for over 3 years. i do feel bad that i have forgotten her and im sorry but i guess sorry doesnt really do much, as they say " actions speak louder than words". -_-
Thao doesnt know much about me. who i am. who i hang out with. what i do/how i do. my style basically in simple terms.
So what does she see in me?! i dont know. i also asked her that question and why she choose me to be with, she also hesitated. so now i dont know if this relationship is strong enough to stay together. i am falling for her and she knows it and so far she has convinced me thats she is also falling for me. i feel like im doubting.. am i doubting? i cant afford to leave, her family has already accepted me for Thao's decision of me being the 'other mother', but how long can i put up with this?!
Thao's curiousity is driving me crazy, because she makes me think of the things im trying to forget.
Thao also talked to me about moving out. we moving out together( as in me and her living toegther alone) or she moving in with me, or me moving in with her. and she wants me to move in with her then we can move out when her pregnancy is over ( baby born). Thao is a rich girl from a rich family (im not taking advantage) and so that can happen. to me, i just think she is thinking too quickly... moving too fast.. because she is in 2 months now of her pregnancy and we have been together for nearly 2 months and... i dont know how to explain it but she is moving too fast. and i think i might be scared of this fast movement of hers.
and if ur wondering we have talked about all these things to each other already.. i just needed to say things non- directly to her. this blog is like me talking in my mind.. kinda thing.. so if ur reading this, ur reading my mind ~_^ .. lol..
I love her and her growing belly, and i do see that we are different worlds apart. But we support each other, we care about each other and for me, thats about all i need to be happy. she treats me well, and i like that. i work hard to support her, i care about her and she like that.
so although we have issues and problems. beyond that we are happy to what we have and i hope it grows ( as her belly does ~_^).
-[Pd]-
i think that why she asked me these questions is because yesturday we bumped into one of my ex and i kinda got pulled away by the moment and i guess i forgotten her for a sec. i havent seen my ex for over 3 years. i do feel bad that i have forgotten her and im sorry but i guess sorry doesnt really do much, as they say " actions speak louder than words". -_-
Thao doesnt know much about me. who i am. who i hang out with. what i do/how i do. my style basically in simple terms.
So what does she see in me?! i dont know. i also asked her that question and why she choose me to be with, she also hesitated. so now i dont know if this relationship is strong enough to stay together. i am falling for her and she knows it and so far she has convinced me thats she is also falling for me. i feel like im doubting.. am i doubting? i cant afford to leave, her family has already accepted me for Thao's decision of me being the 'other mother', but how long can i put up with this?!
Thao's curiousity is driving me crazy, because she makes me think of the things im trying to forget.
Thao also talked to me about moving out. we moving out together( as in me and her living toegther alone) or she moving in with me, or me moving in with her. and she wants me to move in with her then we can move out when her pregnancy is over ( baby born). Thao is a rich girl from a rich family (im not taking advantage) and so that can happen. to me, i just think she is thinking too quickly... moving too fast.. because she is in 2 months now of her pregnancy and we have been together for nearly 2 months and... i dont know how to explain it but she is moving too fast. and i think i might be scared of this fast movement of hers.
and if ur wondering we have talked about all these things to each other already.. i just needed to say things non- directly to her. this blog is like me talking in my mind.. kinda thing.. so if ur reading this, ur reading my mind ~_^ .. lol..
I love her and her growing belly, and i do see that we are different worlds apart. But we support each other, we care about each other and for me, thats about all i need to be happy. she treats me well, and i like that. i work hard to support her, i care about her and she like that.
so although we have issues and problems. beyond that we are happy to what we have and i hope it grows ( as her belly does ~_^).
-[Pd]-
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
city
well... i went to the city today... and at the city i went FUDGING!!! ( eatting fudge) that was like so kool lol... i had the um... hot fudge on ice cream with fudge rocks.. lol... and Thao had the soft fudge cake with ice creams& hot fudge.... lol.. the amazing thing was... the "hot" fudge didnt cool down on the ice cream!!! i thought that was the madess thing EVER!! LOL.... as you can tell i had a good time today.. also went on the ferry ^_^ which i love.. went shopping and bought some new clothes..... um,... she also bought new clothes... lol... it rained at the end but that was fun too... and we got kinda lost? lol.. so... yea... fun day .... on the way home on the train we fell asleep and missed our stop and went all the way to liverpool and had to come back.. but theres one thing i got to tell ya. they got very nice lookin' people in the city LOL... AND why do they have so many korean places!!!
nice day......
now lets hope nothing ruins my mood!!
or i'll be really pissed!! LOL
-[Pd]-
nice day......
now lets hope nothing ruins my mood!!
or i'll be really pissed!! LOL
-[Pd]-
Monday, April 24, 2006
I am feeling pretty damn tired and miserable right now, pretty much sums up to being depressed. Because of mostly stupid things, and that makes me even more stupid, letting it rule my mind and bothering and distract me.
Everything is just so.. happening at once and making a major big impact on me. I am not coping well, at all, but theres not much i can do to ease myself. my life right now is so busy and up and going all the time, even troubledsome.
I could be thinking too much, thats why I'm so distracted, and making little things into big things....in my head.
I'm falling in love with my gf, also with the baby. but can i say that this is happening at the wrong time of my life? or is this my faith that i need to face. is my path being set for me? i know theres always an 'out' as there is an 'in'. i dont want to go into too much detail about my gf and i because its personal and she wants it to be that way. so yea....
Another thing bothering me at the moment is.. problems im having with certain friends.
I need to get away and relax..... i dont want to turn back to drugs and alcohol. quiet the opposite i want.. i need to get healthy again. i want to have fun. fun is simply gone from my life right now... even Dj-ing isnt that amusing to me anymore... my gf makes me happy, for sure, but our situation doesnt.
well I'm leaving it here before i start mumbleling.
-[Pd]-
Everything is just so.. happening at once and making a major big impact on me. I am not coping well, at all, but theres not much i can do to ease myself. my life right now is so busy and up and going all the time, even troubledsome.
I could be thinking too much, thats why I'm so distracted, and making little things into big things....in my head.
I'm falling in love with my gf, also with the baby. but can i say that this is happening at the wrong time of my life? or is this my faith that i need to face. is my path being set for me? i know theres always an 'out' as there is an 'in'. i dont want to go into too much detail about my gf and i because its personal and she wants it to be that way. so yea....
Another thing bothering me at the moment is.. problems im having with certain friends.
I need to get away and relax..... i dont want to turn back to drugs and alcohol. quiet the opposite i want.. i need to get healthy again. i want to have fun. fun is simply gone from my life right now... even Dj-ing isnt that amusing to me anymore... my gf makes me happy, for sure, but our situation doesnt.
well I'm leaving it here before i start mumbleling.
-[Pd]-
Friday, April 21, 2006
-_-" clearing things up... -_-"
ok.. referring to the comments of 'Monday, April 17, 2006' i guess i need to clear off some things..
ok 1st thing....
i am not hurting... killing... myself. also not addicted to drugs or alcohol... i havent touched that for like.. a few months now... maybe had like a drink or two a few weeks ago.. but im not addicted. i was addicted to drugs before but i quit, now im off it. the only thing im addicted to now is... coffee??? which is what i've always been addicted too.
2nd thing...
i havent been anywhere or sociallising because i have been working or if not then spending time sleeping or eatting or showering.. or spending time with my pregnant girlfriend which i also take care of and support. she still lives at her home and i come over there or she comes here to yadayadyada blah blah blah (you dont need to know what we do)..sleep. the money i work for is for her(to buy stuffs etc,baby stuffs, food, clothe.. whatever.), thats basically why im almost always broke. and yes.. pregnant women are hard to please. ( sorry hunni).
3rd thing...
also not socialising because i have school. and recently had my half yearly exams.... aka studying. but so far the only thing i've past is maths. 1st in my general math class. i have assignments to complete for software design and development. trying to finish high school and have a hsc. not really aim-ing to go to uni, i could always go to tafe or continue with my career since im 18 by the end of this year. and if i work hard enough i could own my own club. =D
4th thing..
you people said i have closed myself up ... again.
that i dont see but i guess you say that because i havent been talking to anyone. also too many major things have been happening and too much mixed feelings and emotion to organise to actually say anything, and also pretty moody these days as well... and my girlfriend is also moody... hard to keep up. um..
5th thing...
i am not trashing my life... maybe not sleeping enough but besides that i am happy of where i stand. well not really but im settled. i have work, "family", studies, and somewhere to eat and sleep at night, thats a pretty good life to most people.
ok.. i think thats about it for the 'Monday, April 17, 2006' comments... if theres anything else you want to know.. just ask. dont jump to conclusions. like mostly the one how im going to kill myself. -_-".. people misunderstand me sometimes too and im sorry. i can be misleading sometimes.
forgive me if i have been rude to you... offended you.. or even freaked or scared you.. i didnt mean too. its hard to identify myself while im stressed out.
-[Pd]-
ok 1st thing....
i am not hurting... killing... myself. also not addicted to drugs or alcohol... i havent touched that for like.. a few months now... maybe had like a drink or two a few weeks ago.. but im not addicted. i was addicted to drugs before but i quit, now im off it. the only thing im addicted to now is... coffee??? which is what i've always been addicted too.
2nd thing...
i havent been anywhere or sociallising because i have been working or if not then spending time sleeping or eatting or showering.. or spending time with my pregnant girlfriend which i also take care of and support. she still lives at her home and i come over there or she comes here to yadayadyada blah blah blah (you dont need to know what we do)..sleep. the money i work for is for her(to buy stuffs etc,baby stuffs, food, clothe.. whatever.), thats basically why im almost always broke. and yes.. pregnant women are hard to please. ( sorry hunni).
3rd thing...
also not socialising because i have school. and recently had my half yearly exams.... aka studying. but so far the only thing i've past is maths. 1st in my general math class. i have assignments to complete for software design and development. trying to finish high school and have a hsc. not really aim-ing to go to uni, i could always go to tafe or continue with my career since im 18 by the end of this year. and if i work hard enough i could own my own club. =D
4th thing..
you people said i have closed myself up ... again.
that i dont see but i guess you say that because i havent been talking to anyone. also too many major things have been happening and too much mixed feelings and emotion to organise to actually say anything, and also pretty moody these days as well... and my girlfriend is also moody... hard to keep up. um..
5th thing...
i am not trashing my life... maybe not sleeping enough but besides that i am happy of where i stand. well not really but im settled. i have work, "family", studies, and somewhere to eat and sleep at night, thats a pretty good life to most people.
ok.. i think thats about it for the 'Monday, April 17, 2006' comments... if theres anything else you want to know.. just ask. dont jump to conclusions. like mostly the one how im going to kill myself. -_-".. people misunderstand me sometimes too and im sorry. i can be misleading sometimes.
forgive me if i have been rude to you... offended you.. or even freaked or scared you.. i didnt mean too. its hard to identify myself while im stressed out.
-[Pd]-
Thursday, April 20, 2006
ok.. well i havent really updated properly for a while....
so um......... yeah... life has been hectic.... kinda good but depressing.....
havent been doing much... been out... parties... dates...
had a bbq the other day at home.. and that was the biggest one the family have had.. ever? bummer some people didnt come..... met a really nice girl too.... she is from school lol... and i never talked to her before but yea.. so i got the chance to and it was pretty kool. LOL and another thing is... my brother and i like her... but he doesnt know i like her...
u know what? i am totally obsessed and adicted to the show 'The L Word' and I LOVE SHANE .... in it...... shane = katherine Moenning!!!..... i need money to buy the set box.... 2 seasons are out.... so waiting for the 3rd..!!!...
I LOVE THE L WORD!!!
-[Pd]-
so um......... yeah... life has been hectic.... kinda good but depressing.....
havent been doing much... been out... parties... dates...
had a bbq the other day at home.. and that was the biggest one the family have had.. ever? bummer some people didnt come..... met a really nice girl too.... she is from school lol... and i never talked to her before but yea.. so i got the chance to and it was pretty kool. LOL and another thing is... my brother and i like her... but he doesnt know i like her...
u know what? i am totally obsessed and adicted to the show 'The L Word' and I LOVE SHANE .... in it...... shane = katherine Moenning!!!..... i need money to buy the set box.... 2 seasons are out.... so waiting for the 3rd..!!!...
I LOVE THE L WORD!!!
-[Pd]-
Monday, April 17, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
FAILURE!!!
i have a really big huge feeling i have failed allllll my exams!!! mostly the ones i had today which is..... Legal Studies and I.T, i was so distracted today it wasnt funni..!!!!! ARGHHHHH FAILURE!!!
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
twisted?
Today turned out pretty good ^_^. (besides the fact i kept thinking about.... *ahem* Duyen.. -_-" all wells)
Today was good because i dont have school today.. and tomorrow. (exams)(4 day weeknd!!!!!!!!!!) and i went out and abouts, lol.. i nearly decided to actually go peirce my bottom lip. lol.. i also got to rest.. meaning.. actually relax and time to myself kinda thing. And play around with Vivian (my niece)... she is so darn cute!! LOL...
and also had like a umz..... 5 minute convo with 'gorgeous'.. lol.. which is good.. coz havent talked to her for awhile now because of the exam and all that... so.. yea.. im really starting to miss talking to her? + hanging out with her. i noticed we dont do any of that at school. hm.!!!!.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thao is........ hm... driving me up the wall? (in case u dont know, thao is my kinda current gf.. and i say kinda coz well ) because she dropped a bomb on me? she is pregnant. what should i do?. i like her but i dont know. is she cheating on me? and if i choose to stay with her... how is it going to work?
Thao and I talked about it and she said if we choose to stay together its going to be our child? that just blew me away... first of all. i am under 18. she is under 18. how is it "our child"??!! its only been like 3 weeks since we've been officially together!! and she is one month pregnant??!!why me. i want to suport her but i feel like im rejecting her. i mean what happened to that guy that got her bloody pregnant!!! (one night stand?) if i choose to stay... what happens in the long term...? when the baby is born... whats going to happen.... truth be told.. Thao and I were just a fling relationship...but now.. suddenly its so serious... i mean i dont mind but.. whats going to happen in the long term, what are our family going to think? is it possible to become a family? Do I Love Her Enough To Stay With Her???? pity love?
I cant be with someone when im thinking of someone else.
does she love me? why did she choose me to be the 'other parent'? am i responsible for this? am i being stopped on my path of my life and forced to settle down already? does she know who i am? who i really am?
life is complicated almost all the time.. but you just got to face it and work something out.
-[Pd]-
Today was good because i dont have school today.. and tomorrow. (exams)(4 day weeknd!!!!!!!!!!) and i went out and abouts, lol.. i nearly decided to actually go peirce my bottom lip. lol.. i also got to rest.. meaning.. actually relax and time to myself kinda thing. And play around with Vivian (my niece)... she is so darn cute!! LOL...
and also had like a umz..... 5 minute convo with 'gorgeous'.. lol.. which is good.. coz havent talked to her for awhile now because of the exam and all that... so.. yea.. im really starting to miss talking to her? + hanging out with her. i noticed we dont do any of that at school. hm.!!!!.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thao is........ hm... driving me up the wall? (in case u dont know, thao is my kinda current gf.. and i say kinda coz well ) because she dropped a bomb on me? she is pregnant. what should i do?. i like her but i dont know. is she cheating on me? and if i choose to stay with her... how is it going to work?
Thao and I talked about it and she said if we choose to stay together its going to be our child? that just blew me away... first of all. i am under 18. she is under 18. how is it "our child"??!! its only been like 3 weeks since we've been officially together!! and she is one month pregnant??!!why me. i want to suport her but i feel like im rejecting her. i mean what happened to that guy that got her bloody pregnant!!! (one night stand?) if i choose to stay... what happens in the long term...? when the baby is born... whats going to happen.... truth be told.. Thao and I were just a fling relationship...but now.. suddenly its so serious... i mean i dont mind but.. whats going to happen in the long term, what are our family going to think? is it possible to become a family? Do I Love Her Enough To Stay With Her???? pity love?
I cant be with someone when im thinking of someone else.
does she love me? why did she choose me to be the 'other parent'? am i responsible for this? am i being stopped on my path of my life and forced to settle down already? does she know who i am? who i really am?
life is complicated almost all the time.. but you just got to face it and work something out.
-[Pd]-
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
OhMyGod!!!! i found my old-ish diary journal thingy i had and MAn i am so supprised on how much i'v changed!! reading it was kinda funny.. i was such a fool... -_-... 'young and stupid' they call it lol....
but then i also cried. because the dated date was about when my closes people were 'leaveing' like, kathy and dave. i struggled .. no wonder why im a fool.
now im wondering... is that why i was sooo attached to Duyen? she was there right after it all happened.;. a dramatic turning point of my life. is that why? or do i really do love her.
I'm trying to move on now. from everything. i think maybe.... its working. i am just missing one thing.... a partner... its not important.. but i'd just like to have one...
but other than that. life is good general term.
but then i also cried. because the dated date was about when my closes people were 'leaveing' like, kathy and dave. i struggled .. no wonder why im a fool.
now im wondering... is that why i was sooo attached to Duyen? she was there right after it all happened.;. a dramatic turning point of my life. is that why? or do i really do love her.
I'm trying to move on now. from everything. i think maybe.... its working. i am just missing one thing.... a partner... its not important.. but i'd just like to have one...
but other than that. life is good general term.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
when im gone
"And when I'm gone,
just carry on
Don't mourn, rejoice
Everytime you hear the sound of my voice J
ust know that, I'm lookin' down on you smilin'
And i didn't feel a thang
So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back "
- Eminem; when I'm gone.
just carry on
Don't mourn, rejoice
Everytime you hear the sound of my voice J
ust know that, I'm lookin' down on you smilin'
And i didn't feel a thang
So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back "
- Eminem; when I'm gone.
take a step back and THINK ABOUT IT...
life is so sucky right now.. i dont know how to explain it.
i said something to someone.. to night .. without thinking.. and after i said it , i realised what i personally meant by it. i dont want to get into it too much because i know that person will be reading this.
the things i say to specific people, sometimes i go too far...
i go too far with alot of things.....
i said something to someone.. to night .. without thinking.. and after i said it , i realised what i personally meant by it. i dont want to get into it too much because i know that person will be reading this.
the things i say to specific people, sometimes i go too far...
i go too far with alot of things.....
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