a fool

i have been stood up once again... by a girl i really like. this is the second time, i feel so hurt from this i dont know if i can do it again, but as i am me i'd probably foolishly will do it again, wait ..... and wait... and wait until i get really frustrated...... then shit myself for waiting for her.

kristine..

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best... when you say nothing at all.
All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Oh they could never define
What's bein said between your heart and mine.
The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me...
You say it best when you say nothing at all.

from kristine..


-[Pd]-

glass wall

i stared at her through a glass wall, with all emotions and thoughts running through my head to what to do or why, she noticed me and stared back as though we were talking without actually speaking. i felt as though i wanted to reach out to her but we were divided, she is who i want, do i break through the glass wall? i sit there and said to myself, "it doesnt look that thick, i can might break it, or totally embrasses myself when i hit it and it doesnt break".. i sat there watching her , observing her, she did not hesitate to show me how she was feeling, her body posture and language was so strong i can feel her seducing my whole attention just to her, as that is true and happening i felt myself blocking all my obstacles around me, it was just me and her, she gave a slight smile and we finally engaged our eyes and i felt like i knew her, i knew her from somewhere else before. i closed my eyes to think, when i opened, she was gone.
my mind was stuck in a melee as i continuely stared at the now empty seat, where did she go? is she comeing back? and who is she.
as i calmed down i realised that i do know her, she was the girl that broke my heart many times before.

does this show that i constantly fall for the obsessed figure of who i once loved?


-[Pd]-

should i? or shouldnt i..

i feel like im going to explode and kill someone.... or even myself.
(gee thats no big supprise!!)

can someone please tell me WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? or... what happened to make me feel so.. depressed, frustrated and full of rage?
i cant remember the last time i was truely happy.... without anything going wrong. at all... i seriously cant remember.

-[Pd]-

does it hurt because i care?

what am i thinking??!! how could i have done that to someone!!

i did something bad..


WHAT??!! what am i talking about.......

do u know?

my mind.... is going through the point where im too disturbingly, twistedly, ragingly pissed off that i cant think anymore. i cant think. i cant function properly. i cant focus on anything.... nothing at all. not even this. my mind is just racing to only crash to the giant brick wall, repeatedly. why am i feeling such feelings... where is this comeing from??!! I WANT TO FUCKEN KNOW!! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS PISSING ME OFF SO BADLY!!! what is going on in my head.... i am baffled and i am in rage. i am ticking to explode not unless i am already...

i cut myself today... why didnt hurt..? it didnt hurt!! if i could remember... its suppose to hurt!! but y didnt it. maybe i should've cut it deeper...

-[Pd]-

Another lie to live.

Everyday, when I wake up, I face my reality, then as the day goes through I try to illusion myself with things surrounding me, I try to create a certain something to cope me through the day. I don’t talk to anyone because I isolate myself, mostly to avoid my disturbing reality. As the day goes by, the night hits, and I know its time to restart in the morning, as I lay there alone, I think of all the lies I have said today and how my day could be better if I had done this or that, or how my day could be worse than it already has been. I think and wonder to myself, why am I still doing here? Why am I here for there is nothing to do, I am useless in this world, but why am I still here. I feel as though I’m in a loop, a routine. Whatever that is going on in my head, it drives me insane, I am blood thirsty, I am full of rage, from what you ask? I don’t know. Am I causing myself to feel this way? Or is there a mole that plans everything for me to make sure I get miserable. I don’t feel confident anymore, like I was once. I feel people are after me, always wanting, expecting something from me that I don’t have. Maybe I do, but, always wanting or expecting something. The new people I meet, they never JUST want to know me, and they want more, more of what?! I am who I am, I can’t be who I’m not, I can’t give what I don’t have, and most of all I don’t want to be used.
I think that I choose not to be happy, because I break easily. I would rather be on the bottom of the cliff the first time around than falling again the second time around. I choose to not trust every single person I meet or know. Am I playing my life too safely? who knows. i sure dont.

-[Pd]-

outrageous blowout

watching the news tonight... it angers me.
whats going on the world today...?
what is the point of it all..?
why bother?
does it matter in the end? is it worth it?

war, politics, society, crime.

also angers me that how much society can be so.... typically stereotyped and bias!!
like for example.. the terrorist issue going around the world.. why are they only targeting muslims??.... anyone can easy terrorise anything.. and u cant just assume ALL muslims are terrorists. really. u cant. i just heard on the news... some guy said that everyone should carry around with them.. and ID card WITH their RELIGION on them... HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!!! what if u dont have a religion.. so does that MATTER??!!
i dont personally believe in a religion... i respect others religion.. but i dont follow or believe in one. does that matter?... and.. if i had that so called "ID card" and under religion.. blank.. does that mean i could be a harmful threat? and be captured by the "government" for no paticular reason? ..ohh.. but if that does happen... i guess i can always sue for compensation... ..believe me... i can.

oh yea... have u noticed that divorce is rated pretty high?.... im just wondering if... its a trend.
like.. fashion... a style... IS divorce a tread??!! or IS the legal system being more accessable for divorce. or. are people just being stupidly greedy... always wanting something new.. something else... something THEY CANT HAVE!!... or too stuburn to sit down and work things out...
marriage... and divorce... simple for some, complicated for others.

the world is a bitter place, it has always been. it is where the rich wins and the poor is discriminated. biasly true. everything in the world is FUCKED UP, which also raise fucked up issues to which influence society.... but society caused it.

society angers me.

-[Pd]-

yay...... finally finished my hsc trials!!!!

umz... lalalalalalalalalalalalalala?

go on and close the curtains,
'cause all we need is candlelight.
You and me and the bottle of wine,
gonna hold you tonight, oh yeah.
Well, we know I'm going away
And how I wish, I wish it weren't so
so take this wine and drink with me
let's delay our misery...
Save tonight
Fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow I'll be gone
There's a log on the fire
and it burns like me for you
Tomorrow comes with one desire..
to take me away, it's true
It ain't easy to say goodbye,
darling please don't start to cry.
'Cause girl you know I've got to go, oh
and I wish it wasn't so
Tomorrow comes to take me away
I wish that I, that I could stay
but girl you know I've got to go, oh
and I wish it wasn't so

i would like to correct myself about jeffrey weise in my last post. he isnt about 13 or 14... he was about 16 (1988.08.08). and it happened last year. 2005 march 21. he killed is grandfather and his lover before going to school shooting others. he used a 9mm glock and a pump-action shotgun. as he shot each individual... he smiled and waved.. and he asked one girl if she believed in god then shot her. There were a total of 7 fatalities and 14 injuries in the school. and after being shot in the leg and the hip.. he was cornered in a classroom and he inflicted the shotgun and blasted his own head. Another student believed to be involved in planning the event was arrested one week after the shootings, and there is some expectation of further arrests.

i read his last entries on his blog journal and.. i meant alot to me? even though he didnt say much... he just talked about how he feels.. its pressured and negative.
like on
december 14th 2004 01:18pm he wrote:
Out with the old, and in with the new.

As I sit here typing up my musings I listen to Cheech & Chong Up in Smoke, the movie. Occasionally shifting my eyes from screen to screen, trying to balance out typing and observing.This is my new journal, in which I will put my thoughts down to words. My view on the days past events and whatnot, my two cents on the world in general. This is my new introductory post - all the spelling and grammatical errors area ll by-products of the new Me.Blah.That sounds so egotistical. Whilst you're here, you might as well check out the message board for the band I'm in: http://6sik6.proboards25.com/Ciao.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Johnny Cash - When The Man Comes Around

January 4th 2005 06:39pm
The instrument of my resurrection was supposed to be freedom. But there isn’t an open sky or endless field to be found where I reside, nor is there light or salvation to be discovered.Right about now I feel as low as I ever have.I don’t think it’s a big secret why, really.My biggest disappointment and downfall came from what was supposed to be the one thing to lift me from the grave I’m continually digging for myself. Nah, never. Only the worthy are saved, y’know.I don’t know, but what I do know is I’m a retarded fuck for ever believing things would change for me. I’m starting to regret sticking around, I should’ve taken the razor blade express last time around… Well, whatever, man. Maybe they’ve got another shuttle comin’ around sometime soon?Ciao.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Strawberry Fields Forever - John Lennon

and his last post

January 27th 2005 09:37am

So fucking naive man, so fucking naive.
Always expecting change when I know nothing ever changes.I've seen mothers choose their man over their own flesh and blood, I've seen others choose alocohol over friendship.I sacrifice no more for others, part of me has fucking died and I hate this shit.I'm living every mans nightmare and that single fact alone is kicking my ass, I really must be fucking worthless. This place never changes, it never will. Fuck it all.

so there u go... i dont know how u would feel about all that but i feel as though im going though the same thoughts.

bad bad me

lately.. i've been having alot of dark thoughts and it is driving me crazy because i cant act on it. i would love to act it out... this is yet the most extreme thing i have ever came up with that i think i can actually do. and i dont want to say what it is or who i want to do it too... coz then this would be a confession... that would be... well.. bad for me if i intend to do it.

on that point.. i remembered a case about this boy that admires hitler... and he basically went to his school.. and had a shooting rage.. but he only killed the people he thought deserved so. and he had talked about it.. planned it.. and post things about it on the internet and everything!! and u know how old he was? well i dont know how old he is or was but he was a high schooler and he about about a yr 8 or so... so that about.. 13?14?... and he calls himself "the angel of death" and also "native- nazi". the thing is.. he looks really reall innocent... but yet he is a teenage mass murderer.. his life and how he feels is really interesting to me and so if ur intereded about this then.. u can look him up.. his name is.. Jeffert Weise or u can look on the newspaper, the daily telegraph, thursday, march 24,2005 pg 17. or just search him on www.dailytelegraph.com.au .

all these killing cases... i feel that there are always a deep message or a point... because it cant just happen out of nowhere and such... i mean... i know that for a fact because i feel that way too...

there is always a reason or things to happen... always.

-[Pd]-