Everyday, when I wake up, I face my reality, then as the day goes through I try to illusion myself with things surrounding me, I try to create a certain something to cope me through the day. I don’t talk to anyone because I isolate myself, mostly to avoid my disturbing reality. As the day goes by, the night hits, and I know its time to restart in the morning, as I lay there alone, I think of all the lies I have said today and how my day could be better if I had done this or that, or how my day could be worse than it already has been. I think and wonder to myself, why am I still doing here? Why am I here for there is nothing to do, I am useless in this world, but why am I still here. I feel as though I’m in a loop, a routine. Whatever that is going on in my head, it drives me insane, I am blood thirsty, I am full of rage, from what you ask? I don’t know. Am I causing myself to feel this way? Or is there a mole that plans everything for me to make sure I get miserable. I don’t feel confident anymore, like I was once. I feel people are after me, always wanting, expecting something from me that I don’t have. Maybe I do, but, always wanting or expecting something. The new people I meet, they never JUST want to know me, and they want more, more of what?! I am who I am, I can’t be who I’m not, I can’t give what I don’t have, and most of all I don’t want to be used.
I think that I choose not to be happy, because I break easily. I would rather be on the bottom of the cliff the first time around than falling again the second time around. I choose to not trust every single person I meet or know. Am I playing my life too safely? who knows. i sure dont.
-[Pd]-
