that picture there is my knees after a skateboarding accident.... right after i fell of out of a tree.... its been about three days now... still hurts like a bitch..

anywhos.

i'm hot, tired and aching....

i need a new phone... probably get one tomorrow...

hm.......

-[Pd]-

my life seems like its falling apart.... again....... the only thing different this time is that i DONT know what to do.

got any ideas?

Been trying so hard to find something new
and just when I think that the something is you

I fall down again and I don't want to be picked up
I think I'll stay, right here where it's safe

I didn't look back when I started to run
And when I arrived I wished I never begun

I fall down again and I don't want to be picked up
I think I'll stay, right here where it's safe

Been down this road before and I can't ignore the ways out for sure but I
I think I'll stay this time, content am I with laying down right here

Just give me a pen and a photo of you
and I'll sing you lines about the dreams I pursue
But don't be deceived by the things that aren't true
I'm only as much as I actually do

I fall down again and I don't want to be picked up
I think I'll stay, right here where it's safe

And so my story goes
I'll use this smile so nobody knows

-[Pd]-

DID THE WORLD JUST SUDDENLY GOTTEN MORE BITCHY??!!!
or has it got something to do with me.... like i send some sort of message saying " oh.. be bitchy to me... please please"....

whatever.

i am very annoyed....
because lately, when i go shopping i kept being in some sort of bitchy situation... between me and the sales person..... AND I WONDER WHY.....

so, why.....

do you have an answer?...

is it because I'm Asian?.... i am an Australian.... i was born and raised here... and am still living here. i SPEAK English quite clear and fluently to my understanding.. and i probably know the legal system, history of Australia and the government system way better than you do.

is it because I'm gay?.... but how would they know that....from the way i dress?... i see others dress the same way... maybe i could like it because its comfortable to wear...

is it because I'm overweight? , heaps of people are overweight in this thin stereotype society... thin doesn't literally mean your better... means its easier for the wind to blow you away ^_^.v


so, why...

i was shopping today, and i went into this brand store that i always go into to buy my clothes, but it was in a different location.. and i have only visited it three times or so... and i went in it wearing the same shirt i wore the last time i was in, and i had a comment ( not told directly to me, but i heard it) about it from one of the sales staff. and the comment was : " i saw that girl the other week and she wore the same thing here, she probably doesn't have a different top from that ahahah".. well, FUCK YOU.
you know what?... why cant i wear my shirts more than once.... why is that a problem????? what is the use of clothes if you just wear it once and only once.. rather just wear paper bags!!! or be naked. i will NOT buy something if i don't think i will wear more than once... and until it wears out and rips or something... i will still wear it.
its not like i don't wash them, if your questioning my hygiene. i wash it every time after i have worn it. talking about hygiene, why don't you just question my underwear too!!...

do you wear your clothes more than once? i will stalk you... you you you sales girl and will catch you out... i bet you do wear your clothes more than once and when you do.. i will kick you in the head!!.....
(no, i wont stalk her.. i don't have time for stupidity like that.)

hm.......

anyways.. i have vented enough....
thank you for reading my frustration, and i hope it has been amusing to you all.

cheers.

^_^.v peace.

-[Pd]-

howdy.


i was at this place... and it had this huge machine... i had a look at it and it had this button that says " TILT" so i pressed it... but nothing happened... i asked the guy that operates the machine, and he says he doesnt know what that button does, so i kept pressing the button like a 5 year old kid trying to see if anything would happen, but nothing happened and i got really frustrated so i decided to take the button... lol.. now its sitting right here on my desk, and it still says tilt.

yea.. nothings been happening much..
still kinda limiting myself from the world, got to find control again.

OH!!.. i just killed a big spider... i saw it last night but was too lazy to kill it... it scared me today so i killed it...
my reflexes are really bad... i hurt alot of people when they scare or try to scare me... so please.. this is a warning.. DO NOT SCARE OR SUPRISE ME..... if you dont want to get hurt...

i need to clean up my room...
so freaking messy...
lol, have you ever talked to someone... and ask what they are doing and get an answer that they are cleaning?.... almost all the time? lol.. i do... and i dont get it... because if they are always cleaning, why is it always messy?.... do they intentionally trash up their place so they can have something to do?
hm...............


yea.. with my last post, i keep getting mixed messages, i dont think readers fully understand the structure...
it was sort of... showing my thoughts, thats how i think.. inside my head.. and also i see the shiny toy guns post like that too, i liked it so i decided to try it out..
it was meant for people to think... its thoughts.... its deep.. its dark... mystery.. its not supose to be understood...
people understand things in different ways and i just wanted to test that out, i want to know how people think , and no im not being physcotic again... im just curious.

anyway.. shall be off now...

cheers.

-[Pd]-

(can you drink one litre of cold Milo?)



hm,

its been different for the last couple of days,

....death is unsettled within me,



...a certain darkness creeping on me

...pulling me

... in



... just like before.

-------------------------------------------------

My mind,

...my heart

thinks more



...than it can handle.

-------------------------------------------------

Reasons,

...everything has reasons.



Why,

...must i feel trapped

...within myself,



...with no control.

nothing to grip on



to survive,

...the fall.


-----------------------------------------------------

Lingering

...waiting,

...why?

...everything has reasons.




Happiness,

takes

...alot of pain,

...to be appreciated.




Gifts mean nothing

... without thought.


-[Pd]-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyRJP_fDrbk

Mia sings "Just us"

um, i just had alil to drink, and feeling talkative....

alot has been on my mind... especially for the last weeek.... i have been trying to control and did a major self intervention, pulled myself away from everything....
and just try to focus...
so far i feels like its working...
i hope it stays that way.... i cant take getting myself broken again...

um,

im such a mess..... but no one knows it.... in a way .. its a good thing.... also a bad thing...


been working with a girl name mia, she is an amazing artist... incredible!! and amazingly good looking too!! ahhhahaha...

anyways.... i feel emotional... with everything thats been happening....


an distance uncle of mine.... shot himself yesterday.... technically the day before... MONDAY is what i mean.... he killed himself... i thought of it... but turns out he took the shot first... he shot himself at a park...

i feel like, i gotta drink before i talk.... i cant seem to speak feelings anymore... i cant even talk about my shit to the people close to me..... i talk on here.. but sometimes i cant get the words and i just fuck it and move on... or it takes forever for me to open up and talk... i take about more than an hour for each post...

shit is too fucked up for me right now.... and another reason i dont want to talk is because when i talk... people would say... ' oh, yea.. i know what u mean" or " yea i understand how u feel man.. same thing happened to me"... but hey.. i know they havnt been through it.. and it annoys me that when they say they have...
and ... or.. when they dont understand and i have to explain it to them.. meanwhile i have no fucking clue whats going on... so its hard to explain and they think i dont want to talk to them.. like im snobbing them... and then when it reaches that point.. i have to try to convince them and apologise to them... and while im the one thats messed up.. and they fall as the victim.. so the whole conversation starts from me being fucked up to me trying to apologise to the other person coz they mad at me for not talking....
(example,
me: hey.. sorry im feeling abit shit right now.. can we talk next time?
them: oh whats wrong ... tell me about it...
me: well, you see, i'm having this problem .. my mine is abit fucked up right now... im feeling really emotional because an uncle of mine just killed himself.. he shot himself at a park....
them: oh? i totally know how you feel man... why did he kill himself?
me: (clearly u dont know how i feel!!!) i dunno why.. im just abit emotional at the moment... weird thing is, i was thinking on shooting myself, then this happened... i feel so bummed.
them: yea.. i know how you feel, i understand completely. but why..
me: (CLEARLY U DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!) i dont know why..
them: oh why dont you tell me,why dont you talk to me... you never talk to me anymore... i feel so left out of your life..
me: im sorry, its not like i dont want to talk to you... its just ... yea..
them: oh stop making excuses... you never talk to me anymore..
me: i cant find the proper words and feelings right now.. im really fucked up right now.. im sorry...
them: oh fine!! be that way.... ) yup.. that how most of my conversations go)

i cant seem to sleep anymore..... probably why im drinking... to black myself out.. to at least have some sort of sleep...

a certain friend(yea i decided not to name people anymore.. coz things might leak out.. and yea.. not so nice for me), i beeeen thinking heaps of and about her...
i kinda left her for like... the last week... coz things got abit shaky between us... but we rebonded.... im kinda glad it happened... i never really knew how she felt about me before... and now i know... i mean like... i know in general how she felt about me... but now its something for sure... never thought i was so important to her.. coz honestly she has ALOT of friends and such.. and before, i always kinda felt outlawed abit... like.. i misplaced in her life so much... i still think i am.. but the feeling now... its alright... im not complaining... its just hard.. hard to feel 100% confident towards her...
shes the kind of person that values another person... shes greatful for alot of things.. and if ur good to her.. shes great to you.. but then... if you dis her.. then.. gosh u better watch out...
hm.. shes a great person... i dunno what happened that messed us up... abit of a misunderstanding... but we rebonded... i hope its all good now... coz shes close to the heart.

*sigh*

oh yes.... my ex gf... the one i loved so much.... has broken up with her bf... and the bf is my bros mate.. sort of.... and now he keeps coming over to hang out at my house... and honestly .. i feel uncomfortable when he and or she is around... its awkward when he comes here.. coz i keep thinking of her... and we know she dated both of us... and thats kinda awkward too... and we have moments when we wanna ask each other how she is but obviously i havent spoken to her for years.. and they just broke up and are not talking for now.. so that another awkwardness... so that triple times the awkwardness.... hm... you may not think its a big deal.. but deep down i know i still care... maybe im still caring for the girl i knew then.. coz i find that she has changed alot since then...

have you ever listened to a gun conversation.. between drunken middle aged asian men?... its fucken funny as!... they think hey know everything and they argue heaps... but its fascinating when actual facts are said... like types of guns and amo.. and customs.. etc etc... i wanted to research guns but it was bring bad thoughts to the head.. so i stopped.
actually, any conversation between drunken middle aged asian men are funny...

wow, its like 3 something am now.. i just need talk allll my steam out... i felt like my head was going to explode... and yes i am aware that i have written heaps... too bad.. my place to write.. who forced you to read... =P

i like watching Life, the tv series... i only took interest in it before was because Sarah Sashi stars in it, she use to be on the L word... but now that i keep watching it.. i love it...i love the way the main character... the guy.. talks psychological stuff... like.. he gets random moments and then talk random wise stuffs.. its so cunningly funny, and true.

i feel sad that Dexter is offair now... i enjoy watching that..

anyways.. i should head off...

cheers for reading..

^_^.v peace.

-[Pd]-

just something i've been fiddling around with...

Sometimes in the dark of the night brings confusion
you cant find the right from wrong you live for
With everything changing, your feelings inside
you wanna find comfort in somebody's eyes
travelled through passed pain
and finally what I found is

That with you everything just melts away
and its just us...
Just us....

Sometimes when feel yourself slipping away
You cant find the truth from the lie you live for
With everything moving, your fears come alive
you wanna find true love, in somebody's eyes
wandered through hurricanes
and finally what I found is

That with you everything just melts away
and its just us...
Just us....

That with you my true love will always remain
Just us
Just us...

cheers.
-[Pd]-

so sorry that i havent been blogging again....

been pretty busy with work and was having a personal hickup situation...

things are fine.. back to good and the way it should be... no more drama. well, not no more but less....

um... im having a cup of coffee...... enjoying it.... ^_^
just had a good rebond session with two friends...

my mood is light right now... pretty good stuff!!....

... anywho.. gotta get back to work..

cheers peeeeeeep...

-[Pd]-

for you.

have you ever thought to yourself that there could be so much more than you can see?

have you ever thought to yourself that theres more to life then pain and suffering?

have you smiled today? people say its good to have an average of 8 smiles per day keeps you happy and healthy. body and mind.

have you hugged today? people say its good to have an average of four hugs per day keeps u happy... and healthy. body and mind.

have you had a glass of water today? people say drinking 8 glasses per day keeps you healthy.... but i say.. a glass of water freshens you up when your feeling down, or when your running crazy...

have you went for a nice quiet walk today? it also keeps u happy and healthy, it gives you time to think, and if u feel frustrated, you could always run... really really fast to release the mind.

have you spoken to a friend today? casual or general talking is also something that can help keep you happy and healthy. this gives you the knowledge that your not alone and isolated, there is someone to talk to, either in general or deeper conversation.. ur not alone.

have you gone out of the house today? stepping out of the house, even just to step onto your front yard can be a good thing for you, step out, stand tall and breathe in the fresh air... that can relax your mind and refresh your body, pushing oxygen into your body and brain...
being in a social scene can also give you a healthy lifestyle, boost your confidence meeting new people, which gives you confidence to yourself.

did you take you time getting ready this morning? take your time getting ready in the morning, there is no point in rushing if you are trying to look good, take your time, appreciate yourself, then you will feel good to face the day ahead of you, when you look great you will feel great.

this is jus something i wanted to say quickly because a friend of mine is having a tough time and i hope this random methods of happy and healthy -ness.... would help.. or at least get a laugh...

i love you, gorgeous.

-[Pd]-

surrounded by death...

death...



i, lately have been feeling very withdrawn from my life...



today... just a moment ago... i was questioned by a policeman about an old ladies death on my street... a few houses down from my house...



the other week... a cat died on my drive way... (for the third time this year has happened!!!)



a few days ago.. something along of negative death lingering situation...



and repeatedly been told that i am being followed by some few spirits... ghosts, if u may.



repeatedly being approached by emo/suicidal persons/people.

was TOLD i look like a emo/ cutter.. because i have scars on my arms...



i found a dead mouse in my backyard... but thats normal.... coz my dog chases them.. and eventually one or a few will die...



i feel depressed by all this death scenes that i do want to follow somehow... felt suicidal in fact....

so i started to look it up on the Internet to try and scare myself straight... but hey i guess my head is too strong to change... i almost done cut myself, but a friend stopped by and saw it so stopped me.... or i guess i'll be in hospital or dead by now.



i got my heart broken. and my head messed.



i have to control myself. i cant go back to my old ways... i just cant.

i need to stay strong, i need to focus.

i try and try, but i still break.

people are right.. i am becoming weak... do you know why?... its because after all these years of strict control.. i finally let myself feel how its like to have feelings... to open up and let people in.... and now i feel weak... people know how vulnerable i can be... people know my weakness, people know my traumatic history.. i trust people now... and i think its becoming a mistake. i get my hopes and heart broken.



i havent been blogging so much lately because i have been abit depressed.. and am hiding from the outside world, not hiding... but trying to figure out myself without distractions. and this is bad and horrible to say but i think the close people in my life is making it harder for me to figure out myself... i say this with love, please dont take it the wrong way, how i meant it is.. that the close people in my life has a certain bond with me, all different.. and with how messed up i am , having them around seems to make me think more and the more i think the more mixed signals i get from people with mess me up even more.

---------------------------- had a break.. went to mcdonalds---

i got chatted up by the chick serving me, because she like the perfume smell i wear... apparently girls do like other girls wearing boy perfume... means im doing the right thing!!...

i know what u probably thinking... duh Tori, they do makes opposite sex's perfume for a to a few reasons!!!... to attract!!.....
but hey... all im saying is... i like to wear guy's perfume.. and the girls i approach like it too... so im happy, she's happy... both happy.
All Good.

------------------------------- sorry abit random there------------

i'm trying to surround myself with my job and music.... and no people...
i have not chatted up or picked up anyone for the last while.... but i also dont snob people that approach me, thats just rude.

i want to, just go out and play the field game again, but i'm afraid i wont be able to handle it as weel as i use to, because of how fagile i feel at this very moment.
i like to meet new people though, even though just for a chat, i dont have to hump them to be satisfied, i just want some fun and random company...

hm.. yes....

-[Pd]-

Love and sex.

Love and or Lust....

hm....

if a relationship involves sex.. would the sex distract the pure bondage of the relationship?
can sex turn into the reason or excuse of the relationship?
or a routine? like a must do when ones meet?...

is a relationship, nowadays, handle without sex?

whats a relationship like without sex...

whats sex without a relationship...

is it bad to use sex as an distraction?

whats a good distraction from sex..

is "timing" something you have to consider?

--------------------------

wow, that was weird hey...

been working heaps... non-stop really.... and im really tired...

i was playing around with my handycam today... and thinking.. maybe i should do Vblogs... like on youtube or something... i do like writing blogs.. it gives me times to think and i can have as long as i want... but i might give Vblogging a try... see how it goes..

i'm watching tv.... and damn freaking sexy ads are distracting me...


um,

my emotions and feelings... i feel like i soft drink can and my emotions and feelings are the drink.... and people are like little naughty kids that shakes the cans... and i feel like exploding... i say cans because its easier to explode than a bottle... i feel abit fragile to be honest...
i need strong comfort arms wrapped around me and tell me things will be ok... even though i know its a lie... it would be nice if it would happen...

can you see yourself in someone else's eyes?
can you tell or have a general feeling of what the other person is thinking about you when they look at you?

i've been trying to meet new people... to try to get over someone.. or at least be distracted anyways... and i've been doing all the right things... having the right reactions and responses and such.... but i dont feel like im enjoying myself.. it feel a little forcing or forcive to me... am i really caught up on this person i'm trying so hard not to be? hm...

its a long weeknd... not feeling festive though...

anyways... going to sleep now...

cheers.

-[Pd]-

hm......

not sure what to write about.... thats y im writing so late.. been trying to think on what to talk about...

so hm... here are some randoms?


i like ice cream....

its finally raining after two screaming hot days...

oh i feel sorry for the people attending parklife... because its raining...

i'm sleepy...

i'm hungry...

i'm hot... no i mean feel hot... because i know im not hot... so i feel hot.. lol.

um...

i'm still not happy about carah faye being replaced..

i drank heaps of water today... because its hot...

been watching youtube...
been watching wwe on youtube...

currently still chatting on msn...

currently trying to think of something to write...

umz...

i want to open a window or a door to let the cool air of the rain come in... but im paranoid of my stalkers... or some creepy thing happening... like a big huge guy with a gun bust through my door... because my net door is weak lol...
yea.. im scaring the shit out of myself.... thats what happens when i dont sleep... i think crazy.... but then dont i always think.... and crazy too?
hm.

i want a new phone.... my phone keeps stuffing up now....

i think i need to get out and be social again... i feel myself drowning in myself..
thats not a good thing... was a good thing for abit.. but i think its beginning to kill me.. i'm slowly depressing again... and even though hiding from it isnt a good thing... but its not a bad thing to at least escape it for a while... i've been a good girl... i deserve abit of fun again....

i'm a little bit sick.... thanks to the kids.... yea... im in a pissy mood because its hot and i cant breathe... and i cant sleep....

my back is so sore...and my neck.. heck.. all my body is sore.

anyways... i SHOULD TRY to get some SLEEP..... now...
even though my mind is racing...


(i feel like spanking kelly kelly)

-[Pd]-

Why do I try to be
what society, keeps telling me
Why do I even care
How to comb my hair, or the clothes I wear
I try to be myself
that feels fake too, How bout you?
Or am I all alone
I feel so wrong, I don't belong

Say it's just a dream
cause that's just how it seems
something better there must be
say it's just a dream

Why do I try so hard
to make people laugh, when it makes me mad
Cause when is it my turn
to sit and observe, content to learn
But I feel like i'm on a stage
and people paid, to see my rage
but it's not what they came to see
I can't succeed, at being me

Life's over much too soon
God wrote the words, but you make the tune
I keep playing yours
Scared to create, I'll make mistakes
They say that men don't cry
but my eyes aren't dry, is that alright
told not to let it show
so nobody knows, the pain that grows.

I fought with love
and I called her bluff
but soon I was facing my biggest fear
cause I walked awaywhen I should have stayed
I looked back, but she disappeared

Screaming out what did I do

When old memories make it harder to breath
cause you know, just what you've lost
and you can't fall asleep cause she's there in your dreams
but you can't get away from your thoughts
when she's on repeat in your head
wishing you could take back things you said
you've loved and lost

She comes on bywith a guy by her side
so you say that you're happy for her
but those eyes that you've missed
are directed at his
you try not to show that you're hurt
but sometimes love just gets away

I'll turn around and leave grace
fullybut I'll never stop wishing you'd come back to me.

currently drinking milk... i dont know why some people dont like that... i say im drinking milk and they are like... ewww gross...how can you drink milk on its own..I LOVE MY MILK ALRIGHT??!!....

anyways.

not much happened today....
i was striped off my sleep... and ran to cab... only to walk back home straight afterwards...

i am so tired right now.. and also feeling abit hot... i can feel my hands swelling up.

im riding on a big emotional and psychotic roller coaster...

...still drinking milk.

...watching david letterman.... lol.. the late show...

tried playing the ukulele today... but its off tune so it sounds crap..

anywhos.. goodnight...

-[Pd]-