surrounded by death...

death...



i, lately have been feeling very withdrawn from my life...



today... just a moment ago... i was questioned by a policeman about an old ladies death on my street... a few houses down from my house...



the other week... a cat died on my drive way... (for the third time this year has happened!!!)



a few days ago.. something along of negative death lingering situation...



and repeatedly been told that i am being followed by some few spirits... ghosts, if u may.



repeatedly being approached by emo/suicidal persons/people.

was TOLD i look like a emo/ cutter.. because i have scars on my arms...



i found a dead mouse in my backyard... but thats normal.... coz my dog chases them.. and eventually one or a few will die...



i feel depressed by all this death scenes that i do want to follow somehow... felt suicidal in fact....

so i started to look it up on the Internet to try and scare myself straight... but hey i guess my head is too strong to change... i almost done cut myself, but a friend stopped by and saw it so stopped me.... or i guess i'll be in hospital or dead by now.



i got my heart broken. and my head messed.



i have to control myself. i cant go back to my old ways... i just cant.

i need to stay strong, i need to focus.

i try and try, but i still break.

people are right.. i am becoming weak... do you know why?... its because after all these years of strict control.. i finally let myself feel how its like to have feelings... to open up and let people in.... and now i feel weak... people know how vulnerable i can be... people know my weakness, people know my traumatic history.. i trust people now... and i think its becoming a mistake. i get my hopes and heart broken.



i havent been blogging so much lately because i have been abit depressed.. and am hiding from the outside world, not hiding... but trying to figure out myself without distractions. and this is bad and horrible to say but i think the close people in my life is making it harder for me to figure out myself... i say this with love, please dont take it the wrong way, how i meant it is.. that the close people in my life has a certain bond with me, all different.. and with how messed up i am , having them around seems to make me think more and the more i think the more mixed signals i get from people with mess me up even more.

---------------------------- had a break.. went to mcdonalds---

i got chatted up by the chick serving me, because she like the perfume smell i wear... apparently girls do like other girls wearing boy perfume... means im doing the right thing!!...

i know what u probably thinking... duh Tori, they do makes opposite sex's perfume for a to a few reasons!!!... to attract!!.....
but hey... all im saying is... i like to wear guy's perfume.. and the girls i approach like it too... so im happy, she's happy... both happy.
All Good.

------------------------------- sorry abit random there------------

i'm trying to surround myself with my job and music.... and no people...
i have not chatted up or picked up anyone for the last while.... but i also dont snob people that approach me, thats just rude.

i want to, just go out and play the field game again, but i'm afraid i wont be able to handle it as weel as i use to, because of how fagile i feel at this very moment.
i like to meet new people though, even though just for a chat, i dont have to hump them to be satisfied, i just want some fun and random company...

hm.. yes....

-[Pd]-