um, i just had alil to drink, and feeling talkative....
alot has been on my mind... especially for the last weeek.... i have been trying to control and did a major self intervention, pulled myself away from everything....
and just try to focus...
so far i feels like its working...
i hope it stays that way.... i cant take getting myself broken again...
um,
im such a mess..... but no one knows it.... in a way .. its a good thing.... also a bad thing...
been working with a girl name mia, she is an amazing artist... incredible!! and amazingly good looking too!! ahhhahaha...
anyways.... i feel emotional... with everything thats been happening....
an distance uncle of mine.... shot himself yesterday.... technically the day before... MONDAY is what i mean.... he killed himself... i thought of it... but turns out he took the shot first... he shot himself at a park...
i feel like, i gotta drink before i talk.... i cant seem to speak feelings anymore... i cant even talk about my shit to the people close to me..... i talk on here.. but sometimes i cant get the words and i just fuck it and move on... or it takes forever for me to open up and talk... i take about more than an hour for each post...
shit is too fucked up for me right now.... and another reason i dont want to talk is because when i talk... people would say... ' oh, yea.. i know what u mean" or " yea i understand how u feel man.. same thing happened to me"... but hey.. i know they havnt been through it.. and it annoys me that when they say they have...
and ... or.. when they dont understand and i have to explain it to them.. meanwhile i have no fucking clue whats going on... so its hard to explain and they think i dont want to talk to them.. like im snobbing them... and then when it reaches that point.. i have to try to convince them and apologise to them... and while im the one thats messed up.. and they fall as the victim.. so the whole conversation starts from me being fucked up to me trying to apologise to the other person coz they mad at me for not talking....
(example,
me: hey.. sorry im feeling abit shit right now.. can we talk next time?
them: oh whats wrong ... tell me about it...
me: well, you see, i'm having this problem .. my mine is abit fucked up right now... im feeling really emotional because an uncle of mine just killed himself.. he shot himself at a park....
them: oh? i totally know how you feel man... why did he kill himself?
me: (clearly u dont know how i feel!!!) i dunno why.. im just abit emotional at the moment... weird thing is, i was thinking on shooting myself, then this happened... i feel so bummed.
them: yea.. i know how you feel, i understand completely. but why..
me: (CLEARLY U DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!) i dont know why..
them: oh why dont you tell me,why dont you talk to me... you never talk to me anymore... i feel so left out of your life..
me: im sorry, its not like i dont want to talk to you... its just ... yea..
them: oh stop making excuses... you never talk to me anymore..
me: i cant find the proper words and feelings right now.. im really fucked up right now.. im sorry...
them: oh fine!! be that way.... ) yup.. that how most of my conversations go)
i cant seem to sleep anymore..... probably why im drinking... to black myself out.. to at least have some sort of sleep...
a certain friend(yea i decided not to name people anymore.. coz things might leak out.. and yea.. not so nice for me), i beeeen thinking heaps of and about her...
i kinda left her for like... the last week... coz things got abit shaky between us... but we rebonded.... im kinda glad it happened... i never really knew how she felt about me before... and now i know... i mean like... i know in general how she felt about me... but now its something for sure... never thought i was so important to her.. coz honestly she has ALOT of friends and such.. and before, i always kinda felt outlawed abit... like.. i misplaced in her life so much... i still think i am.. but the feeling now... its alright... im not complaining... its just hard.. hard to feel 100% confident towards her...
shes the kind of person that values another person... shes greatful for alot of things.. and if ur good to her.. shes great to you.. but then... if you dis her.. then.. gosh u better watch out...
hm.. shes a great person... i dunno what happened that messed us up... abit of a misunderstanding... but we rebonded... i hope its all good now... coz shes close to the heart.
*sigh*
oh yes.... my ex gf... the one i loved so much.... has broken up with her bf... and the bf is my bros mate.. sort of.... and now he keeps coming over to hang out at my house... and honestly .. i feel uncomfortable when he and or she is around... its awkward when he comes here.. coz i keep thinking of her... and we know she dated both of us... and thats kinda awkward too... and we have moments when we wanna ask each other how she is but obviously i havent spoken to her for years.. and they just broke up and are not talking for now.. so that another awkwardness... so that triple times the awkwardness.... hm... you may not think its a big deal.. but deep down i know i still care... maybe im still caring for the girl i knew then.. coz i find that she has changed alot since then...
have you ever listened to a gun conversation.. between drunken middle aged asian men?... its fucken funny as!... they think hey know everything and they argue heaps... but its fascinating when actual facts are said... like types of guns and amo.. and customs.. etc etc... i wanted to research guns but it was bring bad thoughts to the head.. so i stopped.
actually, any conversation between drunken middle aged asian men are funny...
wow, its like 3 something am now.. i just need talk allll my steam out... i felt like my head was going to explode... and yes i am aware that i have written heaps... too bad.. my place to write.. who forced you to read... =P
i like watching Life, the tv series... i only took interest in it before was because Sarah Sashi stars in it, she use to be on the L word... but now that i keep watching it.. i love it...i love the way the main character... the guy.. talks psychological stuff... like.. he gets random moments and then talk random wise stuffs.. its so cunningly funny, and true.
i feel sad that Dexter is offair now... i enjoy watching that..
anyways.. i should head off...
cheers for reading..
^_^.v peace.
-[Pd]-
