how fucked up is this year..!!!!!
i simply can not take it anymore... or i don't want to take it anymore.
WTF IS GOING ON??!!!
now im going to list it out.. and i very much doubt that you will believe it. because its just too fucked.
what happened this year so far:.
i lost a love life.. and dont tell me this aint a big deal... all you people with your break ups, you know exactly know what i'm talking about.
rocky friendships... troubles, misunderstandings,mistakes... tension between.
my health... my head is still fucked and now my kidney has major problems... after all this shit problems and troubles i just don't have the feel to get well anymore.
mum won't listen to all these health risk shes having, and is in denial of everything.
Matt has past away because of a car accident, completely flipped my world, i love him so much. i hope you found your way and now resting in peace.
i'm getting forced into marriage. that means my whole lifestyle i been living will be shut down ...
the marriage will never end well, i love girls... and i cant sit still.
and today... my brother just brought the news to me that my dad has cancer, and he is keeping quiet about it. even though we are not close... he is my dad and i do care for him, i dont want him to leave so soon.
i am stressed out to the max.
i cant stop crying when i sit still.
i'm having suicidal thoughts again, and they are becoming very strong.
i feel so bad at the end of the day because i have been smiling, because i feel like i've been lying.
lying to everyone i see... i don't feel like smiling... i feel like.. smashing my jar of rage,fear,sadness,heart break, frustration and letting it free to explode... i feel like breaking out in tears... i feel like i want to take my life.
did i do something? why is this all happening...
here i am... typing all this up... random feelings flowing around my adrenaline... crying.
i don't know who to talk to anymore.
i know people try to be here for me... but im sorry to say that i dont feel it. i really dont.
if i did... then why would i have to set up this blog.. and vent out like this.
i feel like, the SAW movie. the concept of the SAW movie.
there u are... living your life.... and he(problems) gets you ... traps you in this room, you feel scared, you fear and in pain not knowing what the fuck is going on, he(someone gives u advice, talk is always easier than doing it) sends u a message on how to get out of it and stay alive,then in order to get out and be free is to enter this extreme bravery and extreme pain zone that you have to dig into yourself (takes so much focus and guts to do) and if you are able to get your mind together and able to set yourself free then you have survived to continue your life, and if you couldn't then you're dead.
even if you have survived, good luck on finding your way out of the building...alive, because nothing is as simple as it seems.
i know i have odd choices when coming to explaining something, but it is the only way to explain easy enough for you to be on the same page as what i'm trying to say, The Saw movie has the horror, fear, distortion, courage, strategy, plans, hidden agenda, of life.
let me ask you, do you confront a friend that you feel that they are a jealous friend?
did that make sense?... probably not.
here i go again, you feel like one of your friends is giving a jealous vibe when you are closer or you want to hang out with another friend... and also the other friend(s) notice or feels that vibe and is uncomfortable/creeped out by it, do you confront the friend that is giving the vibe?
i'm not even sure if the friend realise they are giving that vibe...
...BLAH
ok, i think i'm calm enough to leave this post now, thank you.
-[pd]-
