have you guys ever wondered about these ads?

i do.. coz i want abs like a wash board, but thats not the point.

i wonder, if maybe they just switch the before and after pictures...

like they start fit and ripped... and just went fat and took the other photo...

just a thought.

i feel like such a bitch today...but fuck it, i so don't care right now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what you wrote on your blog warms my heart!!!

thank you and you girls mean a lot to me, you mean a lot to me.

i hope the new year is fresher and cleaner for all of us.

his voice and voice control is amazing, wish i could do that.

i keep thinking and thinking.....

and my heart is tearing apart...

i don't want to regret all and everything i have said because if i didn't mean it, then i wouldn't have said it.

i may be all smiles and jokes but i'm a huge mess...

i don't want to say that i rely on stranger's company, but that's how i feel like...

i feel like i can do whatever and say whatever when i'm with a stranger because i know that theres a slim chance i will see them again or anything i do matters to them.

i can't lie that i haven't been out and about again to seek that feeling, i haven't been at home like i should.

i feel like, break down point of what i have been doing, and now i feel bad for all the empty promises and lies and misleading-ness of what i say or promise to them because i don't plan on seeing them after the nights... and i just say and do what i can to get to them and leave them hanging. i'm a jerk, i know.

btw.. merry christmas

best fucking reaction EVER!!!

and so i couldn't restrain myself anymore and i just hurt myself.

is there someone you know that takes things too far sometimes?

that doesn't understand the extends of their own jokes?

that doesn't understand that not everyone is feeling the same mood as them?

just because you are feeling good and funny doesn't mean the other person is.... so think about what you say before actually saying it.

and i remind again, every joke has a truth.

so if you don't have anything nice to say...besides complaining... like i am right now...

then just shut the fuck up, pretty simple.

oh, and i don't care if you are pissed at me, but you really don't want to be...

because i am pissed off at you, and i would very much like it if you just don't talk to me for a while.

and whats this about, "next time stay out of it" crap.... you... yea YOU!!! ARE EVERYWHERE!!!

you are in every single fucking spec of a situation that i have... and do i say anything? no.

you, yea... YOU...

ARRGGGHHH

i'll help...

i'll help.....

I'LL HELP I'LL HELP I'LL HELP!!!!!

OMFG LET ME HELP YOU GAHEE..... or kahi park....

i will help, i'll be gentle.... or rough if you want me to be...

but i'll help.

just wanted to post this because the gummybear bit is adorable.

just gotten back from hanging out with my friends not too long ago, and honestly i didn't feel comfortable....i wasn't ready to face people,

and i think they noticed... they came over and i was completely flipping out with stress and frustration.

i didn't feel comfortable.

i tried to hide it after a while when i finally realise how i was behaving...

but i felt fake... so fucking fake.

they are my close friends and yet i still uncomfortable, it shouldn't be that way.

maybe i just need space,

i feel like i need space, but i also want someone there...maybe just find the right person.

i know who i want by my side right now....

...i feel exhausted, i laid there all night thinking and imagining myself at the lake with sara and to be honest it did relax me just a tad more than how i was feeling at the beginning..

because there is just a comfort that i didn't need to talk with her, she understands the quiet.

i want to get away... only for a little while, because i want to work things out but i need time to breathe.

and i also know that problems won't just sit there and wait for my breathing session to be done with, problems don't give breaks.

aaarrrggghhh.

i don't know where i am right now.

i need to know, i'm losing my control and i feel weak.

i know keep saying this, and i fall into this situation a lot.

but i know that i need to voice it every time i feel it.

i feel suicidal, again.

and i am afraid, so very afraid.

please dont dare to tell her

i miss her but i'm afraid to let her know.

...please don't assume and jump to conclusions on that, i know i have multiple problems going at once right now but it may not be the person you are thinking of....

..blah i can't shake the feeling.

been feeling odd for the last two weeks.

the mistake i'm doing right now is thinking about it, thinking then re-thinking and re-thinking...

trying to remember, re-trace, analyse the fact and the actions.

because it is no use, no point to think about it... whatever it may be has pass, long gone.

...but i can't shake the feeling.

i feel like... i may have betrayed some people, cross some lines, forced a few non-existences, broken trusts, stabbed a few in the back, broke a few hearts and messed a few heads...

...

these feelings hurts.

She loved and left but still she kept me
wanting more but feeling empty
did she have to go? Will I ever know?
Love and leave me, She deceived me
the way she kissed was so misleading
I thought that she might stay, but then she went away

before I close the chapter to your name
there's a couple things I never got to say

Your eyes are wonderful and your smile is too
your laugh's contagious and your heart is true
there's beauty in your touch, and your kiss is love
you're everything that every guy dreams of
you're everything that makes one fall in love

i found my new obsession...

i mean....

i ... like...

argh just watch

if you don't like that, i don't know what's wrong with you.

anyways, her name is Gahee apparently.. and she is 29 years old in a korean girl band name After School... i'd like to see her after school in her uniform anytime, eeheheh if you know what i mean.

tripping.

i have been feeling awfully odd today ever since i woke up....

2009 with sara , i is not stalker? shes my friend.

i just want to do a little thing here, showing the year with sara...

she left this morning for Brisbane, and i have already been missing her since on the way to the airport, i had the chance to drive her to the airport, so me, Helen and Cynthia, got to say the last goodbyes with her, is it weird that i felt like crying?

when we hugged goodbye, i saw her tears and i felt like crying as well, silly me.

anyway, this is the year with her... i'm glad she came back to spend the year with us all, and i have really enjoyed all this time with her and with the four.

these are just some random pictures of our gatherings, at some we didn't take any pictures so some events might be missing, here we go timeline.

i think that this is the first outing , that all of the four got

together again after Sara came back to Sydney.

i don't remember when this was, but i think it belongs somewhere here..yay to yum cha.

this is at Cynthia's 21st birthday at a Korean restaurant.

Sara drunk and past out on my single sofa until she fell to the floor and couldn't get back up and so we felt safer to all stay on the floor...epic night.

this is during this week i think, at Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme has been the ultimate spot for us, we always end up at it at the end of the night... or because nowhere else is open at the time of night.

Sara sneaked a picture with Harry when he finally got use to her and wasn't shy around her anymore.. so adorable them.

Princess Vivian and Princess Sara on top of a car waving to people driving pass my house.

At Cynthia's, Sara having pizza and Milky the dog just staring...

late after on that night, Sara got full and sleepy and milky got tired of staring at Sara eat, hehe. both lying at the same position.

At Sara's farewell gathering, fail on the re-creation of the photo we took the last time she left for Melbourne, damn girl in the background.

(top photo is trying to re-create the below photo.)

fail on that one, so i tired to take this one of us four.

this morning at the airport, crap photo because of the brightness behind...

i know this isn't goodbye forever... just sad she's not near to hang out with.

i love you girls.

i'm not perfect, but i mind my own business.

OK, i woke up with a slightly more clear mind...

everything that happened lately seems to be involving Jane, or she has some part in it.

(yes Jane, i know you're reading this)

yes, that's all i got from 10 hours or so of thinking.

because no matter how much i think or how many game plans i come up with....

i will not predict and take first steps, i will only deal with the situations as they come.

i saw it coming to this point again, but i will not do the whole 'i told you so' approach, i never really liked that.

so if you don't know what I'm talking about, here is where i discuss...

first issue is with Bridgette,

Bridgette has recently been in Sydney again for a short time, and she's been wanting to see me and she kept asking me to just hang out and catch up, and so i agreed and we made certain arrangements and rules leading to this meeting...

so we kept our space and stayed behind rules, and we have been talking and seeing each other.

I've been enjoying her company, i will not lie.. i do enjoy her company, as someone to hang out with, there is just a certain comfort i have with different people and i feel comfortable with Bridgette, despite our past.

which brings me to where it all went wrong, Jane and many other people are not too happy about the coming and going with me and Bridgette, they don't like that Bridgette is in my life at all, but Jane is the most opened about it.

Jane has been going after Bridgette, telling her to back off and go away...threaten also.

and lecturing me about what happened between Bridgette and i last time and how or what she thinks its going to end like.

when I'm with Bridgette, I'm not intending or expecting anything to happen, i just like her company... and i don't know if anything is intended or expected on her side, but so far it seems pretty simple.

and at the same time, i don't know what might or might not happen further down the days.

second issue is Shane,

back bone of this is, he really likes my friend Sara, totally smitten by her but she is leaving Sydney tomorrow and she doesn't like him in that way.

Shane is a type of guy that can get attached to something or someone really easily, and Sara happens to be it this time.

he has never had a girlfriend, so i guess that is why he hasn't learnt how to let go yet, even his hobbies.

he is also a short tempered guy, so he tends to snap about things and rush his thoughts and conclusions...

he also tends to drag a situation and force upon the situation until he gets some sort of answer that satisfies him, which makes other people in the situation uncomfortable.

and I'm guessing that he has pushed the limit with Sara before when he told her that he liked her.

everyone thought everything was ok and he is ok about her, but i guess the fact of seeing her heaps for this past week and triggered the feelings again because he is not taking her departure so well, he is up to the point where he is jealous of her with other people or talking about other people, and up to the point where he wants to move to Brisbane, to be somewhat closer to her.

he has stated that he wants to move to Brisbane multiple times now, and again a few more when he was here earlier.

with the jealous vibe, Jane has somehow put the thought for him the fear of something happening between Sara and I, i can feel him hesitating with me and trying to hide the fact that he thinks about it, i know he thinks about it because,

Jane asked him to describe how Sara is to her and he managed to say she is bi-curious, and Jane put the facts together as, when there is an outing, there is only three of us, me, Sara and Shane.. and she asked him if he felt that i was intruding, if he wanted me there or not and why was i always there...

she asked him how Sara and i was like around each other, the fact is that we joke a lot and we have dirty comments... her and i are good friends, and the comfortable level is high.

but she managed to turn all that into something that is not.

she also stated that i apparently do not like trios, and put the thoughts to him that there is competitions upon him and i, for Sara, that's why I'm always there.

i admit, i did like Sara... many years ago, and i don't know if i have told him that or if he knows about it, but i fear that if he does have the knowledge of it then it feeds to the non existent competition that got going in his mind, thanks to the smart arse Jane.

Sara is leaving for Brisbane, and we all have been making the most of the remaining time left with her, i know she isn't gone forever, like i know i will see her again.

Shane is taking it really hard that she is leaving, he really wants to take her to the airport, he said he didn't have the goodbye that he wanted ( i guess because i was there in his moment again) yesterday at her farewell gathering, and i felt a jealous vibe from him when people started arriving, single guys to be exact. there was two. he withdraw from socialising with everyone, and he had to leave for work after a while, which is where the goodbye happened, he really didn't want to leave so soon.

i try not to make anything my business, or try to put unwanted advice, and opinions or anything, but i know it's happening and all i can do is be supportive and listen when comfort is being seek..

but now he is too caught up in his mind about her, that i just have to push the facts to him.

i can't be nice and just sugar coat everything, i don't like lies.. i'm honest.

and he still pushes that he wants to be with her.

..... i left for a few times and i lost what i was on about, and i think i may have repeated some parts. and i may have typos, i'm not re-reading this.

. i don't know how to deal with Jane, before it was easy because she was just on my business and i learnt how to ignore the shit parts that comes out of her...

but now it is involving my friends, people in my life... and i can't stop it, other people don't know how she is like, and will take her talk in to consideration and produce more problems.

my family isn't in such a great place either, but we try to get by.

work is in such a mess.

i feel bad that all these things are happening, but i can't do much about it...

theres more going on, but i need a break.

so i will wait to love you,

and i will wait to dream with you.

what do you do if what you want, upsets everyone around you.

my head says no, but my heart does give in... because i did love her at one point.

not that i'm expecting anything to happen,

i'm talking about Bridgette,

i know i went insane and broke out when we were together..

and i know that you are just trying to help me and prevent from shit happening again.

i have been meeting her again and no one seems to be happy or ok about it

am i being foolish? am i just too distracted?

i don't know what.... is happening

epic of the epicness

yesterday evening, last night and this morning.....

was the most fun i have ever had in a very long time.

my throat hurts... i think i laughed too much, or because i coughed too much from choking on chips.

so anyway, this is what happened...

it started with a trip to mounties as Cynthia, Sara and I were waiting for Helen to be ready to hang... we only went to the game area because Cynthia's ID wasn't valid..so she was treated as a minor and under my supervision.

was so awesome, and Sara won a pink smiley face bouncy ball.

about an hour later, went to pick up Helen and off we went to dinner at cabramatta and then spent a few hours after that at krispy kremes, and that was also uber fun...

i love all the dirty jokes that happened, the automatic looks on everyones faces when something is said and Helen would miss out on it at time, i absolutely loved it when Sara said " it took me 20minutes the first time, but now it only takes me 2 seconds to get it in"..

oh, and i went to buy my fish tank a water heater, and it had got to be the most inappropriate conversations i've ever had with a stranger... the discussion of size and power was involved...use your imagination people..

anyways, a bunch of "thats what she said" comments happened randomly throughout.

i just burst out into laughter, and Sara always knew what i meant, even when she was pissed tipsy, actually it was more funny when she was intoxicated because she was the one initiating.

also shane joined us at the times of the early morning, i reckon he had a kick out of it... watching girls being drunk and all.

still into chicks shane? i am.

.. i don't think that Helen would noticed that we had taken things out of her wallet, until she really had to look for it, success with money and a credit card, was aiming to take her phone but she always had some part of her hands on it at all times.

anyway, i feel like i'm going to pass out... walking away for a tad bit, will continue...

ladies and gents ... please support Mia

'Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full Of direst cruelty! Make thick my blood, Stop up the access and passage to remorse, That no compunctious visitings of nature Shake my fell purpose nor keep peace between The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark To cry, “Hold, hold!”'

William Shakespeare - Macbeth.

i'm watching 'lost and delirious' again...

and it just pains me....

sitting here with my fresh orange juice....

i think, i think about too many things when i eat or drink something.. i'm too aware of whats in it that i can not consume it without thinking about it...

like, as i'm drinking my orange juice... i'll be thinking, yay vitamin c, you'll get my energy up.

i was eating a beef and beetroot soup, and i was thinking ... mmm.. iron..

but i don't just stop there, as i eat or drink and i know the taste, i start to think about the sugar and salt content of it all?...

and everything else..

when i eat a banana i think about potassium.

and i'll think about how much i have of what in that day...

too much sugar or too much this too much that.

is that normal? i don't think so.