..hm...

i dont seem to care about much these days.........and i just kinda noticed so. because right now. just then im just thinking and alot has been happening. and im not excited at all. just really lame feeling. just not out there anymore. lost concentration on things... only focused on two things i reckon.
Just then... i had a phone call that i have been moved and rated up to second for my Dj carree.. and so far im not excited... and like a month ago.. i was rated third and i was hell excited.. i'm too distracted.!!!!.too distracted with my lonesome heart. and now im starting to think that i dont want anything but some to love and to love me back. my carree is worthless to me. my future is also.all i really want and need is someone who cares and to be with.
i'v also been in a suicidual state lately as well. on Friday i was(suppose to) kill myself.i didnt do it because to think of it.. killing myself infront of someone that iw ant to get the point into is worthless, i mean the message would be loud and clear.. but its so... stupid. altho i am stupid....i didnt want to go that way. i did before but not now.
All i want is for people to understand me. but no one does. they just leave. just that simple.

Forbidden

what am i doing..... im making myself suffer. i get myself in all these troubledsome places and i cry for help. Why the F**K am i doing it for. Drugs. Alcohol. love. suicide. Duyen. Sara. I pull myself to all these things and i dont cope and breakdown. I really dont know what im doing.i dont know what to do.. im going out of my mind. i stay away at night thinking of what i really want. i think of the ones im missing. Cry. Cut myself. drink. as i have said I AM PATHETIC!!!!!
i tried to talk to sara today.. i held back.... why..? i dont know. i want to get things right with alot of people esp Duyen and Sara. them. biggest and most important people in live... one left and one seeming wanting to leave, or in the process of leaving. people i want.. need in my life always seem to leave me... What am i doing wrong. the trust side of me has gone now. i believe but dont trust like i use to anymore, im hopless at heart. actually hopless in mind. body and soul. i wish i have never been born. i know this is where people go " oh dont say that.. what about all the good things that happened" well people.. all the good things stab me in the back. heart. im hurt. i am truly hurt.physically, mentally and emotionally. and its all my own fault. no one else is to be blamed. u just cant blame someone else for your bad life, because its your life, i repeat, "your" life so u take paths and roads to make ur life journy.. u stop along the way to pick up things is your own fault..... There is no such thing as a happy life! i mean it. always.. there is something wrong.
i'v visited the cemetry again. To visit Kathy that is. and i just had my usual look around. and i found a new grave(funeral). 2 of them.. right next to each other. it was a couple, then i thought to myself.. isnt that nice.. they died and buried together. i came over to see... listen.. and to my knowledge they had a car crash back from their anniversary...they were a young couple. and i thought.. like i always do. i think... its like.. what if my life ended tomorrow. u know? whats gonna happen... i Dont know. do u? what if it ended right now. how is it gonna happen and whats next. Where am i gonna be buried. who will remember me.. more like.. who will care. not many i reckon. they dont care about me now.. then why should they then. No Use. i've noticed im very suicidual. aint i? and negativly thoughted. i have a wish. a dream... hope whatever u want to call it. i just want Duyen and Sara to know that i miss them very much. and they are the most important people in my life even if im not in their life. they the only people i really trusted... loved. or still Love.
Life is how it is.

hm...

Life is a funny thing.. at least i think mine is. well Funny or just really pathetic!!! whatever i want always seem to slide through my fingers. and things i need are just slightly griped. and what is not needed.. sticks around.
I think i am pathetic. i always want forbidden things. "Thats Life" im told. partly yes. but no. I CANT EVEN THINK!!!!. my head is not straight thinking, everything that has been going on its driving me up the walls.
OK
i Want to be straight forward here. I want two Girls. too selffish... i want one... or the other.one left my life.. the other.. im not really sure .. if shes in or out off my life. i think u guys know who im talking about, yea... Duyen and sara. Duyen i Love.. and sara i really like, both like other people. leave me hanging here by a thin string, all i want is not to be lonely... but i always am. no one likes me. i am a failer and a loner. =(.............
i repeat

I AM A FAILER, LOSER, LONER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life suck

Life sucks.

people make death sounds so nice and peaceful. dont they? and being alive itself , well pretty much sucks. i reckon dead people are lucky to be gone from this scary harsh world of ours. i think being alive is a point made to let us see and apriciate the death. like as we say "repect the dead". yea?
this is how i see it. life is pain. death is reward.

i want to continue but it seems pointless saying it all. so... cya.

PeanutDevil aka Nhi

um..

um.. i just told a girl i liked her... and this has never happened before but i feel really really weird and awkward. she is a really good.. well great friend.. but am i putting it all on THE line??..i didnt know what i was doing neither i know what i am doing now. she says she ok with it.. but is she? i dont really know.. and seeming now that im not.. Do u readers remeber i mentioned alot about a girl name Duyen? i mean i still have feelings for her... and i still wanna be with her.. i think im just confussed that i think this girl i think i like now... i dont really know.
What is going on..... WAIT am i overreacting? i think i am. maybe i do like this girl... and trying not to coz maybe i still wanna like Duyen. maybe thats it. or maybe i am just confussed and jumped. there is so many possiblities to fall on to. this could be a new start for all my thinking. But.. Do i really know what im doing? i think not!!!!!


THE bottom line drawn is that i am really confussed and i really dont know what to do or do next.

The past? or the now.

PeanutDevil.

Love? what is it.

i noticed that today my brother and i are feeling the same.. well almost. i guess we are both stuck in the past.in other words.. he misses his ex and i miss mine. its obviously hard to move on once u are in love, im not sure about what my brother feels but i know that i am in love. like my beloved ex use to say to me..."things happen for a reason, some for the better and some for the bad." .
Love. is it an illusion felt in the heart? or is it something real. then so. what is it and why is it real or not?.but the thing is... what i think about love is. is it a good or bad thing. i ask that because i see so many suffer because of love.

"What if."

Aaahhhh the amazing "what if" question. well isnt it amazing how many times you say that statement? its like.. i reckon u even say it more than you say a simple hello or good bye. Right? its like how often do u say hi to some one when you meet them. but in the conversation that you realise saying 'what if' repeativly .... its like for example, hi, how are you.... etc.. etc... hey what if i did this... or what if i did that... then what if i do that and this happens. etc...etc... ok bye bye.
do u now see my point? i am only writing about the 'What if' is because i have been thinking or you could say i have been saying it alot in the past hour.
I dont see myself a day without saying 'what if' its just not possible, and mostly in this stage of life im facing... its 'what if' everywhere. i think that its part of our common simple minded vocab. we have a simple mind and we are the also complicated bunch. lol how does that work u ask? lol i have no idea but to me it makes sence.

im sorry for not finishing off this post. but my net time is running out and i am too lazy to come back on.. so this is an end right here..

thanks for reading.
PeanutDevil aka Nhi Tran

flash....

I saw a friend on drugs have a panic attack and totally freak out today.. and i realise how scary it is when u think everyone is after you to get you. Or you think everything is falling into you. and all that make you think of all the things that had happned in your life. i was so scared when she freaked out... i didnt know what to do or what would happen next.. its just like who knows whatever happens , happens. and u really need to be perpared for that. i mean.. its like.. the sky could fall on you at anytime. anything could happen. and truth be told.. i dont think even god knows what will happen. I am sorry to the faithful believers of god, but can you really depend on him when the world does come crashing down on your door step?. i have seen many stuffed up things.. death... craziness ( overall) drug addictions... everything.. and recently alot had happen as well. here. just recently.. a couple of days ago.. i was in a car crash with another person ( in the same car) and she was badly injured and had to go to the hospital and she still isnt out of there.. and here i am sitting here thinking how lucky i was to be out of it without even one slight sight of a scratch. and now... my friend is having a break out on drugs. this world is crazy. and it is us.. the people that made it so. There is alot to think about life and the world. And what we make it and how we build it and alot of scary things happen and heaps of decisions waits for making. i cant say pick the right path... because there is no right path... it is seriously what we make our life to be is to be. not by chossing paths. no such thing as rights and wrong , its what comes along.

Peace. Stay Focus
PeanutDevil. aka Nhi Tran

I have a sudden thought of how ... life or the world in general is going to end.... lol.. i had this thought when i was in coles buying stuffs lol.. OMG COZ THEY WERE SO CHEAP lol...wouldnt you have that thought at least somehwere in your mind? lol... its like... gee... whats going on... are we getting ready for somthing to happen? is that why things are so cheap? lol...
i think that something will happen to the world soon... i know its a negative thought but that is what i think.

WELL i am so tired but just wanted to post sumthing up so yep....

Peace out..
Peanut.