what am i doing..... im making myself suffer. i get myself in all these troubledsome places and i cry for help. Why the F**K am i doing it for. Drugs. Alcohol. love. suicide. Duyen. Sara. I pull myself to all these things and i dont cope and breakdown. I really dont know what im doing.i dont know what to do.. im going out of my mind. i stay away at night thinking of what i really want. i think of the ones im missing. Cry. Cut myself. drink. as i have said I AM PATHETIC!!!!!
i tried to talk to sara today.. i held back.... why..? i dont know. i want to get things right with alot of people esp Duyen and Sara. them. biggest and most important people in live... one left and one seeming wanting to leave, or in the process of leaving. people i want.. need in my life always seem to leave me... What am i doing wrong. the trust side of me has gone now. i believe but dont trust like i use to anymore, im hopless at heart. actually hopless in mind. body and soul. i wish i have never been born. i know this is where people go " oh dont say that.. what about all the good things that happened" well people.. all the good things stab me in the back. heart. im hurt. i am truly hurt.physically, mentally and emotionally. and its all my own fault. no one else is to be blamed. u just cant blame someone else for your bad life, because its your life, i repeat, "your" life so u take paths and roads to make ur life journy.. u stop along the way to pick up things is your own fault..... There is no such thing as a happy life! i mean it. always.. there is something wrong.
i'v visited the cemetry again. To visit Kathy that is. and i just had my usual look around. and i found a new grave(funeral). 2 of them.. right next to each other. it was a couple, then i thought to myself.. isnt that nice.. they died and buried together. i came over to see... listen.. and to my knowledge they had a car crash back from their anniversary...they were a young couple. and i thought.. like i always do. i think... its like.. what if my life ended tomorrow. u know? whats gonna happen... i Dont know. do u? what if it ended right now. how is it gonna happen and whats next. Where am i gonna be buried. who will remember me.. more like.. who will care. not many i reckon. they dont care about me now.. then why should they then. No Use. i've noticed im very suicidual. aint i? and negativly thoughted. i have a wish. a dream... hope whatever u want to call it. i just want Duyen and Sara to know that i miss them very much. and they are the most important people in my life even if im not in their life. they the only people i really trusted... loved. or still Love.
Life is how it is.
