erm...??

for the last couple of days.. my level of tolerance is pretty low. so many things are pissing me off. i cant do anything anymore.. things that i want to do.. is restricted to me.. and things i dont want to do.. i have to do. and talking to a friend tonight made me realise this..
i feel like, i cant be myself, i always feel like i need to please others..
i dont mean to bad mouth or offend or whatever people but..
i need to have someone i can open up too, well, to be around, i guess.
anyways.. i dont want to talk about that anymore....










------------------------------------

i just got a reply email from Nicky.. i havent heard from her for a while... lol... missed her.. so emailed her...and she said... he just came back from a holiday yesterday.. and lost her phone.. bummer..

-----------------------------------


and seriously... Hana... who are you? and what do you want?


-[Pd]-

how cute?... i mean.. kool... ^_^

hm.... not much to update to...

good thing? or bad thing...

My Year 12 have received our "jackets" today... and i was quite excited.. untill i got it and realised that i have placed " I.L.C.T.K.D" on the front of my jacket.. i guess my idea was at the beginning.. that " I.L.C.T.K.D" was a highlight of my high school years... (meeting my first love, basically) so i should put it there to remeber it. but now that i look at it and think about it.. i might be regreting it? it brings me back so much pain. but then. im still kinda in the middle of it all.... The size of the jacket is toooo big for me!!! i look like a fluffy thing... and it looks so plain.... is it plain?... well it looks so plain to me...

-[Pd]-

i'd just like to point this out.. lol.. i like the ipod+itune ad.. lol.. im just assumeing.. but.. i reckon the girls lo0k pretty hot. and their dancing.. also hot.



----------------------------------------------------

oh yea.. just something else....... who keeps saying that im cheating on thao??!!! if its you.. show me proof... confront me.... dont just rumor it. fool.

dont mess with me or my gf FOOL!! ....

---------------------------------------------------

-[Pd]-

i've been crying since 2 nights ago.. i cant pin point why im crying.. theres so many possibility.. most of the time they are just tears off anger. i guess the reason i've been crying is because i cant really say what i want to say or can be able to do anything major when something happens... like i cant hit anything or scream or anything? i need alot of time to myself, to just sit there and pause for a moment..

Thao asked me to marry her. she proposed to me. i dont know what to do....................................................................................................................



sadly but i lied to a really good friend today, and i feel really bad. i have cut myself last night and i lied to her that the cat scratched me. I'm Sorry.







we are slaves of what we want.






-[Pd]-

why am i feeling so down? when i try to figure it out.. it doesnt make much sense.... ok, its like, ok fine i do have down time and i cant be satisfied 24/7.. and there are things i just dont care about. but why am i feeling sad, depressed, frustrated? i dont know.
do you know?

why arnt i happy of where i stand now.... i'm finding life as a larriken right now.. things are serious.. but it all seems like a joke. is it because i cant get what i want? or is it that i dont know what i have. there are so many unsatisfied things and thoughts in my life, i dont know how to satisfy myself without.. affecting someone else?.. what do i want...
hm... what do i want....?.... i want to know what i want.!!!.. so basically.. does that mean.. that.. what i want is to know what i want?.. alwells... confussing but makes sense.......

im a mess at the moment.... i try to smile.. but ... dont be fooled.

what happens if i die tonight......

-[Pd]-

i lost my ring!! im no pissed off yet sad...

today.

i was just at a temple close by and was watching um.. a concert?... with family..... so.. bored ...
i saw this girl, she pretty good looking... as in a panda face kinda pretty, and she was with some older woman, first, i figured it was her mum.... then as the night flowed by.. i slowly came to a conclusion it may be her lover instead. by then i was confussed but at the same time amusing myself LOL. my conclusion can always be wrong, they could have been really close mum&daughter. or not. if she wasnt her mum, then i have seen my first 'mother-daughter' relationship!!(older+younger or half age). well that whole thing kept me entertained until i decided it was getting too confussing and left the room.

yes, if u dont know this. i like to amuse myself and test myself by trying to figure people out.

------------------------------

I have finally found my clothing style and i am so happy!!! well im still a tomboy, BUT i found a style i am comfortable with!!. lol... if u can figure this out then my style is, part punk skateboard+rock goth+designer jackets with hoody underneath+converse shoes.
got it? if not then just look at me lol.... im just basically kinda following katherine Moennig as shane on the L word style.

oh... and my crew engraved my -[Pd]- mark on all my belts!! LOL SO KOOL thanks guys!!

------------------------

Thao is starting to come around....

-[Pd]-

somewhere in between - lifehouse

I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head but underneath my feet
'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...

somewhere i belong - linkin park

This song lyrics makes a very good point on how im feeling ... its good.

When this began I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that
I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
but all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real.
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I cant believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
looking everywhere only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today
I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I want to heal, I want to feel like
I'm somewhere I belong
I want to heal, I want to feel like
I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

personal issues -_-" (confession)

um... i realise that i am being unfaithful to Thao and im feeling like shit... i dont know how strongly she feels about me but i feel like i could be better committed with her... i think that i do have an issue with my thoughts like Thao saying i have an issue with thinking about all my ex's, i thought about that statement and i guess shes right.
i dont feel like our relationship is working so well, but i dont know what to do. i know i can always leave but i dont have the feel that i want to, i say i worry about her and the baby but am i being selfish? because i dont want to be alone? and im stuck in this complicated relationship? and my complicated surroundings? the incident i had to deal with today is... why is it that when im alone and single.. i like all these different people and they seem to have um.. maybe some tiny interest but non the less none at all, and when im not single .. all these people starts telling me they're in love with me. i cant do anything about it. and please dont tell me to follow my heart... i dont know where it is.. i lost my heart. im trying to find it, im trying to mend the broken. is the chase serious? or are they testing me if i can control myself or not.... i guess this time, not.

um..i have so many feelings and emotions to explain... but all directing to one thing...

i remeber the days when i would be able to control myself from all and every matter, i could do anything.. i could change my mood, focus my mind, my heart and my strenghs..., basically emotionally, mentally and physically. and i lost it all when the closest person in my life, the one i look up too, the one i idolise.. dies. everything fell apart. i lost control of myself and my life. i started to hurt myself physically because mentally and emotionally.. i was already dead. i remebered i started smoking in year 8 or 9 and that lasted 6 months, after that i took drugs for 2 months just to get high and completely numb myself from everything. i took myself to rehab and was place on medication for depression. last year i turned back to drugs and became an alcoholic and smoked.. i also do rehab for that and currently still am.
i have done alot of damage to myself in the last well 7 years.
This year. i am trying to get my life together and not live such a damaging life. but i guess i failed myself, i have hurted myself multiple times this year, by burning, cutting and stabing myself, basically scaring myself... i feel.. pleasure most of the time, to think of it i dont know how or why i feel pleasure from hurting myself, but i just do.

i feel... like i want to be alone... but i really dont.

-[Pd]-

how am i expected to react...?

How am i suppose to react to things that just confuse me?

grr

um.. i am proud to say i am off my anti-depression medications ( been on it for 1 and a half years).. but then again i wish i could continue taking it.. because not taking them makes me very um... negative... sad... frustrated.. kinda way... maybe suicidal...
they told me i might be addicted to my medication and have taken more than i should, but they did say i should take it whenever i have the need to calm myself down, and i did just that.


its going to be Thao's birthday soon and i hope we work things out before it, because i would really like to celebrate her 18th birthday with her. i also want to give her something nice, but i dont know what, because it seems like she has everything already and its not good to give her something she already has.....(DUH!!).... this is hard.

omg.. school tomorrow..... dont want to go to school anymore... oh but i met a new friend lol.. she is in year 11 but she is older than me lol... also have a new/different teacher for I.T and now i NEED to pay attention in class -_-" but we do learn more with her than with our proper teacher, i can say she has more experience, as she said she is a project manager and has organised and done all these big things all around the world and well she is fun? lol.. she freaks me out just a little bit though.. by knowing things about me? that just creaps me out. and her last name is so cool. Kilburn (Kill - burn). lol.. how cool..

---------------------------------

i can feel my veins pumping or is it blood pumping lol.. either way.. i feel it.. it feels funny but sometimes it hurts. maybe this has something to do with my addictions..


------------

my brother bought a new guitar a couple of weeks ago.. and i hated the idea because he sold my guitar to buy this one.. but now that i played with it and had a better look.. its kinda sexy... its a black Fender acoustic with metal wired strings.i reckon the body is abit big buts its sexy, plays pretty well too, but need to change the strings because they are cheapy ones and dont sound good.

well thats it for tonight..... i havent done my homework yet....
anywhos.....

-[Pd]-

I'm so pissed off i can see my veins pumping!!!

just drop dead!!

Okay, where the hell you been
Said that you been hangin' with your cute girlfriends
Then I get a call, kinda woke me up
Said they saw you chillin' with this young little fuck
I was kinda dazed, and maybe confused
Never would expected this terrible news
Not only were you kissin' this fool you've been dissin'
You was playin' me out, now you better listen
What the fuck is goin' on
Who the fuck do you think you are ,bitch, cause for alarm
Put up with your shit, beggin' me to stay
Even though you ran your fuckin' mouth every day
I ain't some punk ass, dealin' with your drunk ass
Yeah, you might be fine, but you crossed the fuckin' line
Now there's no returnin', this lesson that you're learnin
'Pullin' down them panties will leave your ass burnin'
Cause I deserve more, You act like a whore
So just drop dead
Rewind, back to the start
When we got together, I gave you my heart
You made a few mistakes, but that's how it goes
And every time I broke up, you gave my ass a rose
Saying that you're sorry and I'm the only one
Believe you like a chump, while you were having fun
I was feeling lonely, while you were with your homey
Ain't that a bitch, now your boy can blow me!


-[Pd]-

I feel like im just sitting here waiting for things to happen to me, is that true? most likely. or maybe im just dont want to do anything anymore.
either way, nothing is happening and im getting quite bored and restless.

my gf is still mad at me, and its been like 4 days now? why cant she understand whats going on and solve it with me, because throwing things at my head doesnt solve anything, i understand her point of view but she doesnt understand mine.

things are getting frustrating again. things were going so well then since a 'thing' happened now everything sucks.


----------------------------------


theres something i want to know.
Can you feel your hair grow? on any part of your body at all?

----------------------------------

At school today in legal studies we started a new topic and its family something something i cant remember... and we learnt about marriagous and such and we started to discuss homosexuality and such and i felt really uncomfortable and some people in my class kept looking at me, and that made me really uncomfortable, i thought everyone ( that knew) got over the fact that i was bisexual and all, but i guess they didnt. and they started asking questions non intentedly about me ( about me, not directly at/to me). and i felt really pissed off and again uncomfortable.


---------------------------

overall. im not in a so great mood, past, present, further future.
and this may be a warning, when u actually talk to me, please get to the point, if u make me think i will bite your head off!!!.........

-[Pd]-

a relationship is like climbing a tree?LOL

Thao and i had an arguement and had like a day apart and i was thinking.. i was trying to cheer myself up so lol.. i figure that a relationship is like climbing a tree. first of all it depends on the tree, then how far u can actually climb up the tree for eg, the higher you climb the harder you'll fall and the level of hurting yourself(heartbroken), then the trunk and the banch is also important, either it can support you or not, also depending on the tree, if its tall, how tall (basically how long it will last) is it a fruit tree where it give u a food source to eat (basically, do they care?) and when u reach the top you have finished your journey and reached heaven( die).

well thats all was thinking of today LOL...

and if ur wondering...the arguement is a stupid little things. like she cant get over the fact that i think about my past... aka ex's. well i mean i understand why she gets worked up but i cant help it, good memories are meant to be remembered. and plus.. i think about it in my head and it doesn meant to hurt. maybe it means alot to her and im sorry.


-[Pd]-

my head hurts....... literally.