um... i realise that i am being unfaithful to Thao and im feeling like shit... i dont know how strongly she feels about me but i feel like i could be better committed with her... i think that i do have an issue with my thoughts like Thao saying i have an issue with thinking about all my ex's, i thought about that statement and i guess shes right.
i dont feel like our relationship is working so well, but i dont know what to do. i know i can always leave but i dont have the feel that i want to, i say i worry about her and the baby but am i being selfish? because i dont want to be alone? and im stuck in this complicated relationship? and my complicated surroundings? the incident i had to deal with today is... why is it that when im alone and single.. i like all these different people and they seem to have um.. maybe some tiny interest but non the less none at all, and when im not single .. all these people starts telling me they're in love with me. i cant do anything about it. and please dont tell me to follow my heart... i dont know where it is.. i lost my heart. im trying to find it, im trying to mend the broken. is the chase serious? or are they testing me if i can control myself or not.... i guess this time, not.
um..i have so many feelings and emotions to explain... but all directing to one thing...
i remeber the days when i would be able to control myself from all and every matter, i could do anything.. i could change my mood, focus my mind, my heart and my strenghs..., basically emotionally, mentally and physically. and i lost it all when the closest person in my life, the one i look up too, the one i idolise.. dies. everything fell apart. i lost control of myself and my life. i started to hurt myself physically because mentally and emotionally.. i was already dead. i remebered i started smoking in year 8 or 9 and that lasted 6 months, after that i took drugs for 2 months just to get high and completely numb myself from everything. i took myself to rehab and was place on medication for depression. last year i turned back to drugs and became an alcoholic and smoked.. i also do rehab for that and currently still am.
i have done alot of damage to myself in the last well 7 years.
This year. i am trying to get my life together and not live such a damaging life. but i guess i failed myself, i have hurted myself multiple times this year, by burning, cutting and stabing myself, basically scaring myself... i feel.. pleasure most of the time, to think of it i dont know how or why i feel pleasure from hurting myself, but i just do.
i feel... like i want to be alone... but i really dont.
-[Pd]-
