( listening to "Lucky" - by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat)
so, i just finished talking to a friend of mine, and she got me thinking about alot of things... and now that im thinking, im feeling abit talkative.. so here i go.
recently i mentioned a new lady in my world, well shes been in my world for a while now.... just that i havnt been on here much to mention her properly, her name is (hm, should i name her? ok maybe not.. so lets call her Tina.) Tina, shes a great gal, smart, cute personality, funny and whimpsy like me, caring and must i say shes hot. But i feel like theres something missing between our connection, then i start to wonder what is it.... and everytime i think, i would think of Nicky, and then i would feel a sharp pain in my heart.
now that gets me thinking.
i have been around her for about nearly 4 years.
am i madly in love with her?
or
am i still here, curious about her because i cant have her.
or
am i damn straight obsessed with this pretty lady.
i find her so comforting and gracful, yet i love it when she gets mad/angry. so what does that tell you...
do i love her? or do i love her life.
with all my feelings towards her, either from love, curiousity, or obsession.. whichever it is, its preventing me from letting someone else on my mind and in my heart. i want to let Tina in, maybe time will let her grow in me, but at the same time, my patience is melting short, and come one, we all know a hot girl doesnt stay for long if you dont meet them at least half way... so i'm trying my most hardest to keep her around, i can definatly keep her around for now but emotionally im not around, so i dont think i can stall her for long until she starts going emotional on me and wants more. like my heart. i dont know where my heart is, neither wheres my mind, it's running everywhere.
after all that.. or somewhere in between, i think about the past and the future.
my "past" thoughts included Duyen(remember her?my ex that i oh so loved so much? a few years ago), and my swing times... and in my future, i thought about where posibly my relationship with people can go... who i want to be with, who i probably end up with and will i ever find someone i love without complications? i dunno if that would be humanly posible...
i feel down thinking about that... and just feel how lame and pathetic that i take time to think about all this..... i should be letting it flow and not think so hard about something thats not happening yet...
well enough blah for now.... getting tired... been really sick lately...
ok lastly, i lately have been a total jerk to my friends, and i know i have hurt them and i would like to apologise to them, I'm sorry. i know you all are just being you and worrying about me and trying to be there for me and yea... i'm just not feeling so confident within myself so i'v been feeling heaps insecure with myself and with people... and im having some sort of pyschotic lalas with myself and i didnt wanna pull you lovely people into my pile of shit. because it stinks. so thats why i have been so distance... i am sorry, and i am sorry again... i'm just completely lossing my plot.
especially, i want to say a special sorry to Helen... I'm sorry helen, for last time we talked... forgive me for getting agressive.
-[Pd]-
