Friday, July 30, 2010

so much time to myself... makes me insane,
i think way too much...



work is giving me time to myself, and i hate it....
the radio distracts me quite well though, the random curiousness questions and remarks of my life annoys me because it makes me think and such... why do you gotta be so ..... curious for... why so many questions... i dont know you.
well truth be told, he is most curious about the fact that i like girls... like 'how does that work' (pffft like a tween dude doesn't know).

um,anyway, no point...

just, hello ^_^ i miss you.

i miss letting my mind and heart explode with emotions and thoughts to release.

i haven't spoken to anyone lately, i feel caged. restricted.

i don't know who's who, how's who, and wheres who anymore....

working 5days a week.... sun rise to sun set.
fun.
joy.

i heart pay day.

i gots to go now.......

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

i don't want to wait anymore, i don't want to sit here and figure things out, i want you.
and i want you NOW!!.
i am unsure on what i'm suppose to be figuring out, why are we waiting when nothing is stopping us, you and me.

you and i can figure it out when it comes to our door step, you and i can wait for it together, all the while in the comfort of each other's warmth.

......................................

this girl, i want this girl... she makes me feel wild with crazy moshy feelings.
she makes me feel frustration, horny,thrilled and fear.

she not only makes me happy but a bunch of other feelings too, that's the best part!

it's been a while since i found someone that can make me completely insane, oh how i miss this feeling.... i know hurt will one day rise, but in the mean time, hurt can suck excitements' balls.


she told me to figure some things out before she thinks i'm ready to be with her.. she knows my past and she wants me to set my mind straight, she knows i linger between people and i've been around....
she wants me clean.... and i think she is worth the effort.
(maybe a tad demanding? but then again she does have a point.)

she's young, though i'm not that much older to make a big deal of....
she's creative, passionate.

she is an artist, her art is amazing.
she is studying journalism.


....... i realised something.... i think i like girls that are into art, but most of the time i don't know they are into art until later on... but my ex's all do or like art, strange..thats something to think about.
i can't draw to save my life and i don't know how to appreciate a painting.... i even get confused with colours...why are there so many shades of colours?!


anyway.

update on me? not much happening other than still unable to sleep properly... been working 5 days a week (WOOOO pay week this week) ... haven't seen any friends besides cooper the other,,,weeknd? when we went to look for cars... erm..
i need to go get my eyes checked and maybe get new glasses, can't wait til i can get a car...

i was thinking about..... a car... or buying a new house/apartment/unit.. or smashing down the house i live in now and rebuild it.
because i realise that i really want to live in a better and nicer place.... i've been in this same house and room since i was like.. a month old.
i've got money, why not use it for a better living.

grrr have to try and sleep now... or just lay down and not do anything to reserve energy for work.

goodnight,friend.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

the blah feeling

unable to sleep properly last night, i woke up with a shit feeling, a hate feeling.
laying in bed i could only think of things that annoy me, i tried to change the mind track but it just didn't want to feel happy today...

so it's about midday now and i'm finally out of bed, my back and neck is sore, my eyes are blurry and my head hurts.

but i had a great time last night, and the night before....

is the joy making me think about the fucked up? argh

ARGH, i dont know. i hate this feeling.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Monday, July 12, 2010

business proposals...

when i am being offered a business propsal..

i can not keep a straight face..

i find it ridiculously hilarious and amusing.....

....
um ok, so i might be..
already in a relationship
or in the process of being in one...

coz we took one of those photos ....

the ones where you see couples take when they kiss....

to me, that is a relationship photo.

.....i do like her, and shes been around alot, holding my hand and kissing me so i'll take a wild guess and say she likes me too.


hm...

no point to this... just thinking...and sharing...talking to myself.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

why do i feel so incomplete

i have a girl to want to share my life with
i have friends
i have family
i have somewhere to live
i have food to eat
i have money to spend
i have things to use
i have clothes to wear
i have a bed to sleep on
i have a car
i have 2 jobs

... i have all of that... and everything else basic.

am i being greedy? do i want more?
a better car? more money? a bigger house? more clothes to wear and more things to play with?

i feel that i am too lazy to care about big houses and expensive cars but i simply don't want to clean a huge HUGE spaced house... and be paranoid about where i park my car or if its scratched or dirty...

sure, i'd like more money...
so i can go shopping and buy more shit that i don't really need or want but will have because it looks fun and then i never touch it after it arrives home...

face it, i only need and want one partner.... if i want to changer her? i don't know, i have to find out more about her and how much we connect and all that eewwness of this fuzzy feeling inside my heart.

more friends? sure i'd like to have more friends.... i know heaps of people, but i have trust issues so i barely let new people in... my current friends and close friends are the people i grew up with and met during school and any other early life events of mine. nowadays i just don't trust new people, i'm grown up now and seen most of the world and been through too many bullshit to let my trust in people so freely...

i'd like to get married someday...and maybe have kids too, i'm still working on who it'd be with, i missed 3 proposals from 2 people.

what am i missing....

what do i want.

..need?

why am i feeling this way, did something happened?
do i want more?, more of what.

i can... and will work for a better future, but i don't know where the direction is, the destination.

i can build my dream home
i can buy a better car
i can work more for more money

but those are material goods, maybe it's the emotional feeling that is missing...

Friday, July 09, 2010

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

i saw her today, i didn't know what to do, what to say...
15ft away, she gave me a smile, my mind froze and my heart flew out of my chest.

she walked towards me and told me that she missed me...
i never thought i would ever see her again..



once upon a time, we were in love.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Widow lived with husband's body

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/newshome/7521131/widow-lived-with-husbands-body/

Detectives are close to closing their investigation into a 91-year-old widow who lived with the bodies of her twin sister and husband.

Jean Stevens had their embalmed corpses dug up and stored them at her house — in the case of her late husband, for more than a decade — tending to the remains as best she could until police were finally tipped off last month.

Much to her dismay.

"Death is very hard for me to take," Stevens told an interviewer.

As state police finish their investigation into a singularly macabre case — no charges have been filed — Stevens wishes she could be reunited with James Stevens, her husband of nearly 60 years who died in 1999, and June Stevens, the twin who died last October. But their bodies are with the Bradford County coroner now, off-limits to the woman who loved them best.

From time to time, stories of exhumed bodies are reported, but rarely do those involved offer an explanation. Jean Stevens, seeming more grandmother than ghoul, holds little back as she describes what happened outside this small town in northern Pennsylvania's Endless Mountains.

She knows what people must think of her. But she had her reasons, and they are complicated, a bit sad, and in their own peculiar way, sweet.

Dressed smartly in a light blue shirt and khaki skirt, silver hoops in her ears, her white hair swept back and her brown eyes clear and sharp, she offers a visitor a slice of pie, then casts a knowing look when it's declined. "You're afraid I'll poison you," she says.

On a highboy in the corner of the dining room rests a handsome, black-and-white portrait of Jean, then a stunner in her early 20s, and James, clad in his Army uniform. It was taken after their 1942 marriage but before his service in World War II, in which he fought in the Battle of the Bulge. After the war, James worked at a General Electric Corp. plant in Liverpool, N.Y., then as an auto mechanic. He succumbed to Parkinson's disease on May 21, 1999.

Next to that photo there is a smaller color snapshot of Jean and June, taken when they were in their late 80s.

In many ways, Jean shared a closer bond with her twin than her husband.

Though June lived more than 200 miles away in West Hartford, Conn., they talked by phone several times a week, and June wrote often. The twins — who, as it happened, married brothers — were honored guests at the 70th reunion of the Camptown High School Class of 1937.

Then, last year, June was diagnosed with cancer. She was in a lot of pain when Jean came to visit. The sisters shared a bed, and Jean rubbed her back. "I'm real glad you're here," June said.

On Oct. 3, June died. She was buried in her sister's backyard — but not for long.

"I think when you put them in the (ground), that's goodbye, goodbye," Stevens said. "In this way I could touch her and look at her and talk to her."

She kept her sister, who was dressed in her "best housecoat," on an old couch in a spare room off the bedroom. Jean sprayed her with expensive perfume that was June's favorite.

"I'd go in, and I'd talk, and I'd forget," Stevens said. "I put glasses on her. When I put the glasses on, it made all the difference in the world. I would fix her up. I'd fix her face up all the time."

She offered a similar rationale for keeping her husband on a couch in the detached garage. James, who had been laid to rest in a nearby cemetery, wore a dark suit, white shirt and blue knitted tie.

"I could see him, I could look at him, I could touch him. Now, some people have a terrible feeling, they say, 'Why do you want to look at a dead person? Oh my gracious,'" she said.

"Well, I felt differently about death."

Part of her worries that after death, there's ... nothing. "Is that the grand finale?" But then she gets up at night and gazes at the stars in the sky and the deer in the fields, and she thinks, "There must be somebody who created this. It didn't come up like mushrooms."

So she is ambivalent about God and the afterlife. "I don't always go to church, but I want to believe," Stevens said.

Dr. Helen Lavretsky, a psychiatry professor at UCLA who researches how the elderly view death and dying, said people who aren't particularly spiritual or religious often have a difficult time with death because they fear that death is truly the end.

For them, "death doesn't exist," she said. "They deny death."

Stevens, she said, "came up with a very extreme expression of it. She got her bodies back, and she felt fulfilled by having them at home. She's beating death by bringing them back."

There was another reason that Stevens wanted them above ground.

She is severely claustrophobic and so was her sister; she was horrified that the bodies of her loved ones would spend eternity in a casket in the ground. "That's suffocation to me, even though you aren't breathing," she said.

So she said she had them dug up, both within days of burial.

She managed to escape detection for a long time. The neighbors who mowed her lawn and took her grocery shopping either didn't know or didn't tell. Otherwise forthcoming, Stevens is vague when asked about who exhumed the bodies and who knew of her odd living arrangement. She blames a relative of her late husband's for calling the authorities about the corpses.

"I think that is dirty, rotten," she said.

State police — who haven't yet released the identities of those who retrieved the bodies — will soon present their findings to the Bradford County district attorney. A decision on charges is expected in a few weeks.

Stevens has talked extensively with both the police and Bradford County Coroner Tom Carman, who calls it a "very, very bizarre case."

But the coroner has nothing but kind things to say about the woman at the center of it.

"I got quite an education, to say the least. She's 100 percent cooperative — and a pleasure to talk to," Carman said. "But as far as her psyche, I'll leave that to the experts."

Sunday, July 04, 2010

i finally slept last night,..it's been about 3 months.
i cheated and took some sleeping pills, i was frustrated and stressed out.

i want to sleep again, but i don't want to swallow pills to help, or knock me out.
i don't want to be depended on sleeping pills for the rest of my life, i don't want to be depended on any kind of medications every single day for the most simplest task for the rest of my life.

i'm tired of being sick.
i hate being sick.

i can't relax.

Friday, July 02, 2010

i feel like there are too many strings still attached to me....

i want either to pull it... or cut it the fuck off.

decisions decisions.


i don't know how to think right now... or ever, it was always clearer when i wasn't in a situation.
but i am unsure of outsider's opinions.
i can pick bits and pieces from what people say and take it into consideration, but then again that's just a 'hear what i want to hear' situation, and that becomes pointless.

i'm sick, again.
this time it seems worse than it was before, i am unable to sleep... at all.
my brain just doesn't shut down anymore, maybe it's stress related.

i had a physical medical examination, and a psychotic examination....
so what i got out of those are... i have abnormal brain activity that affects my relaxations which unables me to sleep, and i suffer from mild PMD.

i've been afraid to drive because i lose concentration.
i haven't gone out to see anyone, because i just don't feel happy,comfortable,.... acceptable.

im blah feeling... and it's rude.
but i want time to myself.... but i also want to be with people, i miss people.

i don't know how to tell people what i'm going through, i don't know how or when to seek help and support.. i dont know how to explain myself.


goodnight.