hm... been kinda depressing..

i don't know if i mentioned that i was casually seeing someone, i guess nothing stays simple hey.
Bridgette is her name... we were in an open relationship... means we are somewhat together but not seriously girlfriend girlfriend- i guess her mind changed and she wanted more from me..
she became possessively caring and jealous of most of the people around me, i understand a certain point of her jealousy but she expects me to completely remove the problem- to change.

i care for her too,

she's gone... she is staying in Queensland for the next few months now and she says it's because of work and family, but i just can't help but think that it's my fault that she isn't here.
perhaps it is my fault and she can't stand to be around me anymore and just raising the excuse of work and family.

maybe this is the end of Bridgette and me...

to be honest, we weren't that strong in the first place... we just wanted some fun, she brought me home and i guess that changed a lot of things.
some parts of intimacy changed, some parts of personal space changed, some parts of emotional desire deepened... and it wasn't about having fun anymore.

maybe people began to accept 'us' so it became real...
she took me home to meet her family and friends... and that is very real, though i wasn't the first girl she brought home - though she only bring home the girls she is serious about...
her mum said to her that she "picked the right one this time around"... maybe that helped her changed her mind - her heart.

this does not make me feel good, maybe i just ruined a great chance of having a wonderful relationship that i seek for, i didn't make a pure and proper effort towards her - but I'm not really sure if i really feel her in my heart, the natural feeling of possible love has not sunk into me with Bridgette, she is funny, caring, confident, strong, amazingly beautiful, smart, talented.. probably everything you look for in a person... but I am not sure that i feel her in my heart.

do i keep trying?...

i have a desire for her, i fancy her, i like her, i want her, i take interest in her, i like talking to her, i like spending time with her, i like to play with her... is that what I'm doing? playing with her?

our mind automatically set a certain feeling or way we adapt to someone else- at the very beginning when we first meet and stays that way if not it changes very little the more we get to know them... more feelings might add on, but the first impression stays.
we do not feel the same way for someone as we do for someone else that we know.
we are different to each individual person that we know.
we set certain amount of trust, confidence, fear, tolerance, hatred, etc etc to each individual...

so is that I'm doing with Bridgette?... playing with her?, not taking her seriously as i should?
am i not holding her tight enough?

she told me that she is tired of competing in my world...
she means competing with the flirty girls in my life... i have a lot of acquaintances, heaps more than friends... friends i only have a handful, which means that she hasn't met any of my friends but has bumped into a lot of my acquaintances and i guess that does send her a bit edgy - it would send anyone a bit edgy, common sense really.
but i don't know how to stop it, lock us both in a place forever and ever so we won't bump into anyone she might not like me to be around?

...maybe the fact that she hasn't met anyone close to me, and she has introduced me to her whole family and close friends.

we don't know each other well, well enough or for long.
and i don't feel the need to introduce her to my family (my family doesn't know i go for girls), and meeting friends just hasn't come up...
and for meeting people on her side, it was sudden.. she just wanted some company to her uncle's birthday party and the deal about her and i just got exploded by her sister - finding out on facebook relationship status and then finally meeting me then going around introducing me as Bridgette's girlfriend, and me being too shy and lazy to fix her...

this reminds me of the song Tiny Vessels by Death Cab For Cutie....

"This is the moment that you know,
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."

and...

"I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark.
And all the friends that I was telling,
All the playful misspellings,
And every bite I gave that left a mark.
Then tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises,
That you said you didn't want to fade. But they did and so did I that day. "


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hm..... I haven't been working for a while... I think my break is over.. need to get back to it.
in need for some more cash... I'll go back when I'm feeling better... and my face doesn't have this bad ass bandage on it.
I'm thinking on getting something more stabled, like a 9 to 5 job 5 days a week... kind of stabled job... and my Dj-ing could be a weekend thing.


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the house renovations are still going... the reconstruction of the walls are done.. and are now being painted.. on progress of buying the floors for installation and now planning to renovate the bathrooms.
so much money is going into that house...

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had a bad experience at the bank today... i was stuck in a VERY LOOOOOOOOOONG line.... with two representatives working at the counter (was about lunch time) and had a really nasty... dirty middle aged man standing right in front of me... i don't think that guy had showered for daaaaays... - mate.. the weather too cold for a shower?.
i was stuck in that line for about an hour or more and i literally felt really sick from the stink from the man in front...
maybe I'm a bit too dramatic but while driving home, i was hoping not to vomit.. and when i got home i had to lay down..

went out and left my phone at home... (OMG FIRST TIME EVER!!) i felt so awkward without my phone somewhere near/on me.. and strangely i heard someone had the same ring tone as me (or maybe i was being paranoid because i was thinking too much about it) but mine was edited so it was somewhat different.

my phone is in my pocket right now ~__^.v
(yes, that's why i pick up so fast... i keep my phone in my pocket.. even if I'm at home.. just sitting online... typing up a blog post. and if your wondering... i place my phone on my bed right next to my pillow that i sleep on .. and sometimes it goes under my pillow then when i wake up and panic because i can't see it and then i pick up my pillow and then i see it and i would feel so relieved!!)

ok,

anyway, that should be enough...

-[Pd]-