that gun, is my dick.

i went to a wedding last night.

weddings are the most awkward places to be bumping into your ex's.

she's married with a kid...and absolutely beautiful.

seeing her makes me wonder about way back then, how did i get someone so beautiful and how did i lose her.

just like everything else in my life.

i want to take you home

please don't let us fall through the cracks of a broken heart

i've lost it.

i'm sorry, and i miss you.

i'm sorry, and i miss you.

...because i can...

..so, what now?

...fresh air...

this is what i've been up to for the last 2 days, i felt like i needed to go away.. so i went on a boat trip.. climbed waterfalls and saw jellyfishies and caught 3 fishes , while holding onto my life jacket for dear life.

the scene was amazing and so relaxing.

my arms and my shoulders feel like falling off from rowing.

and the day before.. was fun at parramatta , there was a winter festival with ice skating and food, watched the hangover 2 and i loved it. and of course max brenner.

i also tried outback steak house for the first time last night, there was so much meat and potatoes on my table that i hesitated. the only thing besides that is the blooming onion. and beer.

and i think i heart hooters. beer + boobs + wings = beaming.

though i dont like owls.

---

found out my ex opened up a cafe where i always go in the morning.. it's called "Tee's cupcakes"

awkward when i see her but what can you do... just be friendly.

so, she's adorable.

wouldn't it be friggen sweet?!

Fuck work meetings. This feels good.

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This. Is how i know i'm still loved.
Thanks b, you made my heart ngaaawwww

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will you judge me if i cried?

would you think any less of me?

sometimes a lesson learnt, sometimes it hurts instead

This. Is the most painful thing i've ever been through for a very long motherfucking time.

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Mums been sick, so i've been in the hospital everyday. For her and for me.

I havent been up to much, not at all.
Work,hospital,bed. That is all.

I miss the world, i miss my friends.

I hope things will get better.

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Work.hospital.home.
That is life, for me.
Everyday.

I miss people, i'm tired doctors and nurses and sick people and work....
I miss my friends, i miss my girls. I miss sylvie most of all.

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what does it take

i'm always losing friends.

i try..but the lack of communication is killing me.

and i don't know what to do...i really don't.

i dont know if she is mad , sad, angry, happy, or whatever of me but there has been nothing, and she has been giving me responses like how she gives to the people she doesn't want to be around and now i am freaking out.

i feel it, and i am freaking the fuck out. and i'm too chicken to push anything... so like how i do always,.. i sit here and freak the fuck out. while in hope she is going to give me a different response the next time. or better yet, call me.

i haven't been seeing her online either... did she block me? I DONT KNOW.

ARGH! FREAKING OUT!!

the rate i'm going i won't have a friend left by mid year.

"We all have feelings, but we dont always have to act on them". Is what a stranger said to me today...

It was a very short conversation.

I went out this morning in hope of distractions.
And i stayed in a music store for a very long time, it felt like home. I felt safe there for some reason, maybe it is because Matt and i use to be there all the time.

I felt so safe when he was around...even when he was far away..he would always call, no matter how busy he is, he would call. i miss him so much, so deeply.

I thought about him all day, and of how or what he would say to me if he would still be around,
It made me smile.

I didnt feel angry today.

I got abused today, with a homosexual remark.
But i didnt reach as angry as i would thought or use to be. Maybe i'm getting used to it. It'll never stop.
People will keep hating. I hope she felt good about herself today and get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I called my doctor, and he put me right back on medication. I am currently high on meds. Glory.
I still feel alone, and lost.
Just, more calm.

I want to talk to my friend again but im scared.
I am terrified. I miss her so much, i hope she knows. I havent seen her for about 2 weeks and havent spoken to her properly too...
I dont want to bother her, i dont feel like i am good enough to bother people.

Maybe thats my problem, that i can be too shy to ask..
Not shy... but coward.

It took me 3 days for me to let someone know that im extremely upset, and it didnt even end well.

I do feel a lot of different feelings during a day without notice.. without reason.
And that just ruins everything in front of me.

I feel so ashame towards my friend now.
I miss her.

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I tried to open up to a friend today.
I have been feeling very suicidal, and i was always taught to speak it out, let it be known as part of the prevention.
They tell me that every month for the last two years.
I ended up more confussed and angry, cried a lot more than when i started to talk to her.
She got pissed.

She got pissed.

At least that is distracting.

I thought telling her, letting her know, be aware would be a better option than telling a stranger. Because i feel like she is someone close and someone i trust and heart somehow. I have never felt so depended on any one as a friend.

I dont know what happened. But i was left more dismantled than how i started. And she got pissed.
she got pissed because i couldnt/dont have a reason, and i really dont, nothing has changed since the last month.

"You can't just say shit like that"
Is what she said to me, i felt like she thinks im joking.
It didnt make me feel good. I felt like shit.
i am serious, i never joke about this because i have attempted before.if i wasnt serious then i wouldnt have said anything and treat it as another mood fit.

I called the hotline. The depression and suicide hotline and spoke to a stranger.
I know they dont personally care, but it was nice to talk to someone to calm me down and not yell at me, while im freaking out.

It took a lot for me to speak up and it failed miserably.

I have been off my depression medication for 5 days, and i want to kill myself.

I am out of sleeping medications as well.
I havnt slept for 7 days.

obviously i have calmed down a little bit since, but i still feel it. im just distracted now. Hopefully the distraction stays and the emo goes away.

I found my last sleeping pill, i will take it now and hope for the best.
I dont want to die, my depression just takes a hold of me sometimes. More now than ever though.
I was so close on actually hurting myself yesterday in the kitchen but i was lucky that my nephew came in and i stopped.

I need the medication.

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Im sick of delayed and lack of replies today. If ur ignoring me,tell me and i will be out of your way. If not then what the fuck is the hold up?! Motherfuck man.

So fucking rage man.
People make it hard for me to love them.

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at about 6pm today...

got my shoes, jeans and my hoodie on...

keys, wallet and phone already in my pocket..

ready to go.

then i realised i had no where to go.

as i took off my shoes and my hoodie, taken out my wallet, keys and phone and put them on the table. i felt pathetic.

i felt this lonely bitterness inside that i can never seem to get rid off.

always, everyday... i feel it.

the struggle, with life, with health, with people.

i hate this life.

i fucking hate it.

let's be the sky. be silent.

let the clouds drift peacefully, day by day...

...but the clouds become angry too, they cry. they rage.

.... i gave in..

i don't totally regret it...

but i gave in.

And the cracks began to show.

i can't give in

i can't give in i can't give in i can't give in!!!!

i'm too far in it to give in now...

AARRGGHHH

i feel the tension everywhere

but i can't give in i can't motherfucken give in!!!!

AARRGGHGHHGLO:JDSOGUOguaouapytpuf

fuck, i want to give in.

has been exactly 7 days.

my body won't stop twitching, my eye is still a blur and the light headedness continues.

my medication had ended and my last appointment is tomorrow.

i'm not excited, i'm a tad scared frankly.

tomorrow is also the day when i am going for an assessment to see if i need to continue to be on mood/anti-depressant medications.

i have heard nothing from no one besides Jane and Kevin. disappointed.

every fucking time i go for my medical examination...

i feel like i am on a display.

i feel like a study object!

i am a study object.

i'm upset, i've been upset for a while... but i have no idea how to say/express it..

it intermittently comes and goes and it makes me completely bipolar.

"intermittently" pfft who says that.

i'm so tired.

i am exhausted from being on show... fucking 5 hours of being examined. FML!

i have been placed on new medication again, yay.

hopefully it works this time and i can get better and feel not so angry all the fucking time.

the most impact is in the front left of my brain, so it affects my moods.. behaviour.. memory.. organisation... direction..speech... sexual-ness. etc etc .

i can't sleep. - fucking intense insomnia.

i guess i always thought, i had a mental problem... with my intense mood swings, depression and all that suicidal stuffs... but i don't, though no one is for sure.

"they" just found weird behaviours with my brain so i guess they will blame it on the physical first.

i also had my psychology examination every so often because of all that emotional wreckness that goes on up there.

lets just say.... i'm still angry and lonely.

Sylvie's pretty awesome, but i feel like i bother her.

everyone else is just gone, like...just gone.

and the rest of them either gets mad of how i am or are crazy ex girlfriends.

FML, i think i'm attracted to crazy girls. they're just fun... until it becomes too much.

...*sigh*.. thats enough of the day for me...

goodnight world, hello sleeping pills.

girls like this, makes me overheat and tingle.

i think its time for that talk again...

girls are driving me crazy, fucking insane!

and lately i've been so horny it doesn't even feel safe any more.

just a wink, can send me to the top. thank fuck i'm not a guy.. or else i'd have a fucking boner every time i see a girl do something i like.

...just breathe.

oh hello lazy sunday... i've missed you very much.

well i rather be out.. but this is fine.

so i'm sippin on tea thinking to myself and decided, why not blog today...

the last couple of weeks has been rough, very rough.

..but i know that not only for me, my friends too.

but for me, it has been stress from work, my mum's health, and crazy psycho ex's ... or just people in general.

people stress me, but i don't think i want to go elsewhere.

so, work.

my project manager (the one who hired me) is a bitch.

she so called, "promoted" me just to make me work more and her work less..no pay rise.

no no, "pending pay rise".

she also hired more people for unnecessary reasons and make me train them, wasting my time.. then yells at me for poor target on my side. stupid bitch. she sits in the office all day on her HUGE ass , being a "project manager" by only looking at statistics and logistics reports that i run, she knows nothing about anything going on for anything, but always commanding.. from the phone.

like, are you fucking kidding me?

i don't mean to or want to blow my own horn... but i am the best she's got.

she pissed me off twice now, i punched a hole in the wall and called her a bitch and i'm still employed. i know what's going on.. and i won't let her take control of me, because if i'm gone then she's fucked.

i am lucky to have my team on my side and especially my team leader, he is really good mate to me now and looks out for me at work as well.

we're starting to hang after work and etc now, his gf use to be jealous until she leant that i like girls. so we're all good now.

..family issues...

my mum is getting more and more weak, i am very upset about it. i try to help as much as i can but i can only do so much... i get very upset. i love her.

there are other things too but i rather not get into that.

...and always having girl/relationship problems..

bridgettes back.. brittneys back... nicky's back...jane's back... iris's back

and new girl at work... and new girl that picked me up...and another one down the street...

AND mum always asks about my ex... i havent seen her for like 3 or 4 years .. and i hate it when she asks about my ex all the time. man i dont know how they are.

maybe its my fault, i loved her so much and i brought her home...

she was the only one i brought home.

ok.. i need to eat.

you fucken fuck.

i totally walked out on work today...

totally got pissed and walked the fuck out.

i had enough....

so much shit is thrown my way i just can't handle it any more,

i'm going back tomorrow, but if they give me more shit then i will go to the board.

at times like these... i regret not having many friends.

i tried to call a few but failed.

fuck.

i'm so stressed out and annoyed and pissed off and angry and fucked and upset and etc etc etc

and i have no idea how the fuck to deal.

fuck.

unsure and intense

there's something

but isn't

or shouldn't be...

..but is.

.fuck.

Dear sleeping pills,

Please let me dream of awesome things again tonight,
The last was random but so very epic, and where the heck did katy perry come from?! Im not complaining, i just want her back in there...

Thanks heaps,
Me.

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i miss them so much!!! aarrgghh!!

please PLEASE take me back to where i was sipping on coconuts by the beach!