howdy




so.... whats up?



a friend or a few people/friends have said....:
" your more alive when you have drama"

i agree, yes i think thats true...

havent you noticed by now? since having less to no drama, i havent been posting... because i dont really know what to talk about.

hm.... yea... i dont know what to say....
just thought i'd pop by to let you know im still here and alive...

have a good one, cheers.

-[Pd]-

I'm not quite sure what to talk about.


something is yanking at my focus, this sudden blank feeling is taking over.

i feel blank, not depressed.... just blank..
i think it's because of my feelings not wanting to mend, because if i don't mend, how am i suppose to feel much....
but nothing exciting has been happening,

the weather has been crazy these days.. hot, hot, rain, hot, rain, cold.. hot.. etc etc..
it was really cold yesterday and the night before yesterday.. i had like a 24hour or two day cold.... and a short fever.... all within 48hours.... crazy....

anyways... this feels like a dead end post...
-[Pd]-

sorry about the lack of blogging... its either because my mind is completely blank or its filled with uselessness thoughts.

i feel hot, the weather is so weird these days..

um, i keep missing her.... i mean like, its not wrong to miss her, its just i miss her and i cant really express to her.
anyways. not going there again... look what happened last time..(my last post).
(the song i wrote for her, i ripped it up, but i still remember it so clearly.... *sighs*)

i miss her.

i saw her last night, we hugged, she gave a kiss on the cheek...
i told her i miss her, she told me she miss me.
she hugged me so tightly, i didn't want to let go of her, but she had to go, she had to leave.

it was great seeing her again... hugging her...hear her voice.

i miss the way she laughs, i miss her smile
i miss the way she walks too fast, for me to keep up with
i miss hearing her voice, i miss our messages
i miss the way she forces me to eat, always half of what she eats
i miss looking into her eyes then she suddenly smiles
i miss the way she always buys/drink water but steal my can of soft drink
i miss how she finds what i say funny, even when I'm sarcastic and pissed off
i miss her in a dress
i miss her in her jeans and the way she dresses, so simple but cool
i miss her long wavy hair
i miss the ways which she smells, always different perfumes but always a familiar smell, to fit her style
i miss the way she always has some sort of lollies in her handbag
i miss eating ice cream with her
i miss her driving
i miss how she always brightens my day, asking how i am or have i slept well
i miss how i always learn something new (about anything) when with her


i miss her.

i admit, i do miss her.

some days i don't know what to do to pass the time... waiting for the days which she contacts me, i admit, i do wait for her, day and night.
i get excited once she appears , but when without her i feel depressed and lonely.
i don't know what to do.

i wrote her a song, but i don't want to play it to her.
i feel lame and pathetic.


-[Pd]-

To Haters.


I'm tired of being sorry all my life,
you may see the world in light and darkness but it's not that simple,
i live in a world of grey, and that's what allows me to do things that others just cant do,
that's what allows me to fail, and get back up.
you see, I've lived my whole life on pure emotions,
and tonight this emotion is simply frustration, its anger, its recklessness and insanity,

is exactly what will beat you.



-[Pd]-

lol, sorry i just had to say something...

my house.... family just had the regular get drunk Friday night gathering....
and one of the family which is my cousin's cousin... came over.. and the mum... she is about the 30's age group... and she has two kiddies... one is about 13 or 14 and the other is about 8? anyways,.... she had a boob job.... and now since the first time i knew that she has got it done... i just can not take my attention off it...
it's kinda of like... my eyes and attention just draws itself to her chest.. and its so bad when I'm talking to her... and my excuse when she catches me is that i read the printed words on her top out loud so she would think I'm just looking at her top...
it is so awkward when I'm around her... and lately she keeps twirling her hair... and when i look at her i just laugh... like i suddenly feel uncomfortable and i burst out in laughter.... she reminds me of those hot(I'm not saying shes hot... not to me.. maybe to other people she is) dumb collage girls in movies... that has boobs and twirls their hair.... lol.. (she reminds me of quin in the cartoon called Daria is specifically who she reminds me of).

anyways... i just thought that is funny... just want to say something...

----------------------------

i am a YouTube , facebook and myspace freak.....
well not so much myspace...

but i find myself just signing onto those site when i am at a computer....
like i could be working or doing something important and on a tight schedule and i would stop and log into those websites for no reason....

those sites have become a habit of daily life.... and if a day that i don't log into them, i get a little edgy...

i felt a bit freaked out today because i thought i was Internet stalking because when ever i log into the sites.. a particular person(s) appears on my news update...with something new, so basically i know what they are up to for the whole day.... un-intentionally.

yea.. i have the tendency to freak myself out....
and i do it very often... sometimes several times a day...

-----------------------------------

OH OH OH... something else funny tonight is that.... i watched ( a while ago) a vlog from Natalie (communitychannel) and she mentioned how when some retells a story.... the other person always sound different or whinny...
well anyways.... the mum that i was talking to... (the one with the boob job i mentioned) was retelling a story... and that is exactly what happened.. she make funny weird voices for the other person and waved her arms and hands around like as if they did so when talking to her...

here the clip I'm talking about from communitychannel... and when i was talking to the mum i just kept thinking about the clip.. and laughing... people must have thought I'm crazy today, keep laughing.. anyways.. enjoy the clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K-RtHr4alg


------------------------

Jennifer Beals is 45 years old this year... and i would bang her if i had the chance...
now people have a problem when i say that, probably because they don't know who she is, now if u would google her..... go on.. do it... google Jennifer Beals... and you will see that she is an amazingly strong looking beautiful woman..... no 45 year old woman can beat her....
she stars in the series the L word, she also stared in several movies but some u might know is flashdance and the grudge 3 i think (her character is name Trish)...
for the people that do know her.... she is gorgeous isn't she?

-[Pd]-

DAAAAAMMMNNNN its hot today......

hm... very humid indeed.

well its not so bad right now because the breezes are starting to blow through.


i didn't get up to much today.. just added some more songs in my playlist there...
it's too darn hot to do anything.... well besides go to beach or swimming pool... thought I'm not such a big fan of the pool... especially on hot days when its crowded....

beach i like better... there's the water... and the great view of people ^_^.

--------------------------------------------

um................................................

it appears to be a fire somewhere near my area.... very smokey it is... maybe its a bush fire...

--------------------------------------------

i miss watching The Mint(its not on anymore), its a late night game show on everynight..... i just love watching Natalie Garonzi and Lyall.... they are so funny ANd natalie is someone i fancy... ahhhahaha.....

i miss them so much.. i youtubed them... lol.
------------------------------------------

anyways.... i be off now....

-[Pd]-

false excitement....

airport story..... false excitement.....

discard it.



-------------------------
so.. yesterday...

went to airport....... came home.....
didn't do anything...



went to city with a friend to go to the piano room.... but we went a bit late to it we couldn't get in.... bummer!!,
reason was.. we were having dinner... drank a bit lol.. and tried to sober up a bit before going anywhere... (sake is awesome!! yea that was the first time i tried sake)
also tried black sesame ice cream.... it was alright... if u like sesame then its great... I'm not so much of a fan.. but still like the ice cream.
so we couldn't get into the venue , we walked around... mucking around and such.. walked from kings cross to Hyde's park... did two laps of the place... walked to central to the arcade, play games for a bit.. went to McDonald's... then went home...

that was a perfect night... just something i needed to be cheered up by, its simple... i enjoy simple things....because its simple to enjoy? ahhhhaha..... anyways.. it was a good night. Thanks Cooper.

----------------------------------------------------

my family woke me up early because they want to go to the city... but my mum stayed home, so i took that chance and now I'm staying home with her...
i don't know why I'm still doing up..... I'm still tired... my legs are sore.. and i have a huge hangover....

----------------------------------------------

i gotta start controlling myself when I'm drunk... i keep drunk calling/messaging people... one of these days.. it will turn bad... hm...
lucky i didn't say anything bad... (i hope)

-[Pd]-

taking a trip to the airport...


i feel nervous...

will tell you why later....


ahhha.

-[Pd]-

hm...................................................

i just re-installed my computer once again........

stupid people keep stuffing up my computer.. and now i have lost everything on it... my work.. my music.. my pictures.... EVERYTHING!!!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH PEOPLE!!!!

hm...... i should lock up my comp.
but whats the use... theres NOTHING left to protect!!......



blah.


--------------------------------

today has been officially one week since the four arguments happened.
i said hi, or sent messages... to each person....
and have gotten two replies.
fair enough....
i want to be stubborn but that is just stupid.

this is getting more and more pathetic... the longer this keeps going... the more pathetic it is.

thats all i got left to say....

i cant be the nice one anymore, i dont have the patients anymore...
what a friends for if they cant forgive and forget, little arguments.

(i know i sound harsh.. this is just a heat of a moment comment.... i love my friends... im just frustrated on waiting around for them... and the arguments are little... like i keep saying.. and they dont care enough to talk to me... i am always the one crawling to them... and im tired of crawling to anyone...
so now i dont know if i should care anymore. if u are one of the arguments i had with a week ago... why arnt u talking to me... huh? do you want me to beg? or should i just go away....tell me what u want, if u are taking that little argument this dramatically and big... strong... something must be up.. what is it... am i not nice enough to you anymore? what is it.)
(again, heat of the moment... i love you... im just freaking out coz i cant figure it out)
--------------------------------

um,

yay... going to a singer/song writer gig on Wednesday night.. at the "piano room" in kings cross.. if anyone wants to join.. it starts at 8pm.

free entry.
--------------------------------------------------

um,

ah,


lol, do the girls that serves at food services flirt to reel customers in now?...
because now that whenever i go out to eat and girls are serving... they always seem to flirt with me... or pick me up.
especially my local McDonalds.... i have been asked for my number five times during the last month, two of which is the same girl.... two different kfc places... one from each... a subway place and a few cafes... now.. is that weird .. or is it just me.
i accidentally cut my finger with a scissor at a kfc place because the girl that was talking to me is very cute... my friend just recently bought something and we could not open it... and also we were buying food... and i asked the kfc for scissors.. and yea.. i was too busy looking and talking to her... i snipped my finger..

yes, i do become stupid around girls i take interest in.

------------------------------------------

OH!!! my knee...... i pulled a small rock out of it yesterday.. sorta freaked me out... knowing a rock was there for abit more than a week.... lucky it did not get infected!!.... no wonder it was hurting so much....it made a hole... but i put anti-biotics in it and it healed quickly and the hole is gone....

--------------------------------

yes.. im going to go now....

cheers.

-[Pd]-

like a bullet
meant to be shot
you are the target
dead on the spot.

she is ricochet, and you dont notice.



----------------------------


i'm tired today...
the message is un-clear.

i went to the shops today.........................................................................................
this time i did NOT have a bitchy situation.. but a very nice one..
she was/is very cute...
i like her hair.... hm.. i wonder if its natural...

ok.. yes as u can see i have found my.... mojo?
dunno if thats what you call it..... but hey.. i found it...

thanks to that cute Blondie sales girl.




-------------------------

in other news..... still havent spoken to any of the four...


in another news.... um...

oh...

uh..
ah...
huh...

suddenly i forgot how to speak?...

lol...
write.. if u wanna get technical.



------------------------------------

i love watching wrestling..... WWE to be exact... World's Wrestling Entertainment....
i know its fake.... but its awesome....
personal favourite wrestlers would be
male: Batista, John Cena, triple H, the undertaker, stone cold Steve Austin, the rock (the good ol times).........
females: kelly kelly, mickie james, candice michelle, michelle mcCool.
awesomeness......

i wish to know kelly kelly and batista and john cena.....
they are coming to Australia in January i think... the ultimate close up ticket (which i want) cost $350............ and the realllllly back of the room ticket is $50.....
i need to cough up $350.... soon...


OH, also my lovely girls... Tegan and Sara is coming back...in um... January also.... hope to go this time... i missed out last time.. i was so disappointed...
I Love Tegan and Sara Quin.

oh.. speaking about Tegan And Sara... they are very disappointment on the election in America because of the prop 8?... prop 8 has been passed on... which means that same-sex marriage is still banned.
Tegan protested against prop 8 and i am proud of her.. and wish to support her in America but i cant.. because i am here... in Australia... also fighting for the ban of same-sex marriage to be lifted... and for EVERYONE to have equal rights everywhere in the world... but my first step is Australia.... my attempts are failing for far but i will still stand for it... and keep on trying until it happens.... or until i die.... then im sure someone else is doing what im doing...

SUPPORT EQUAL RIGHTS AND SAME-SEX MARRIAGES!!!!!



hm...... got alil ahead of myself there.....

but yes.. please support.. everyone deserves to have equal rights for everything..... especially to be happy... to be recognised for love.... being able to marry the ones we love.

it is not the gays and lesbians that screws up the system... the straight man(people) is.

we fight for our freedom, we riot to be noticed.
we do so because of the constant ignorance and avoiding of the system, brushing us off... but the world is changing, society is changing... why cant you(people and system), why cant you change to fit society but you continue to stay within the system that works hundreds and thousands of years ago.



hm.... went alil politics there..... which i never really done before... socially before....

anyways..

---------------------------------------

i was thinking..(wow i think? lol) and i wondered and asked myself..... why and how am i still here, alive....
i was certain and very sure that when i have pushed those four close friends away... i would be able to kill myself, because i have nothing left...
is that why i still havent spoken to them?... to drag time so i can pull the courage to kill myself? or am i being stubburn and trying to keep my ground.

hm.. whatever... i feel depress when i think too much... coz always lead to unhappy thoughts...

----------------------------------------

hm.. yes.. im gonna leave it as that...... my thoughts trigged something bad

-[Pd]-

i just woke up... not so long ago....

and since i woke up... til now... i have this feeling of nervousness as if i am waiting for something or someone...
its so bad, its causing me to vomit...
i dont know what it is i am nervous about.


i still havent spoken to the four people i had arguments with the other day....
i feel guilty.... for driving those four people away.... they are close people as well...
i want to beg for apology..... not just ask, but BEG for it.... because im just one that has to ask for apology everytime... i cant, not ask for it? even though its not my wrong....
but this time i think i should leave it.. because the sake of the arguments and avoiding it coming up again... i cant handle it everytime the same argument comes up, the tension builds and it turns into nagging.... and i get really argo....
but hm..... i'd probably have to give in... like always, i never get to have my say stay.


----------------------

my friend and i were talking last night and because of late i have been struggling with relations... i decided to go cold turkey.
i decided and she tried to trick me to un-decided, but so far my head is strong... but im not so sure about it when im around people... i can talk tough all i want at home.. but when im out.. i cant resist....

--------

anyways.

-[Pd]-

ok, so today was a pretty confussing day...

oh but i did discover a great new electro band, Ultraviolet sound is what they are called, i will try to find their songs online so i can add it to my playlist right here on my page...
www.myspace.com/ultravioletsound

OH and also... i want to mention "Versant" also a band...
as you all know i did mention that Carah Faye Charnow (my favourite electro/punk singer) has left her formal band " Shiny toy guns" and i was very upset... BUT i am EXCITED to say that she has developed a new band called "VERSANT" !!!!!! i am so happy she is still singing... check them out and please support!!
www.myspace.com/versantmusic


ok, i hope those links work.... so you wonderful people can discover and also enjoy other wonderful people that makes wonderful music... (if not just copy and paste, you know how it does).

---------------------------

i have no idea what is going on in my mind right now....


i met a girl today.... but i was unmotivated to show my interest...
i feel stupid now... because she was/is hot... freezing ice kinda hot... you know.. the ice that is so cold and when you touch it, you get burns...
perfect for my mood.... i should probably slap myself now.... for not showing interest... but then again... im too lazy to slap myself....


i walked past the mobile phone shop i bought my phone from last week or a few days ago? i dunno cant remember when i got it, anyways... and the girl that was serving me.. called me in as i was walking pass... and she gave me the covers for me phone.... for free, so that was nice of her, i bought her coffee in return... she seems very nice. but i dont have interest in her... for some reason.

god, whats wrong with me... im not social any more... hm.... nor flirty.... trying to pick up people.... being/showing interest.....
what the fuck is happening.....
am i turning straight?... no.. i dont think thats it.. ahhhhhahha.....

thats two girls today.. and i didnt show interest?.... hm....
out of the ordinary for me...

am i like, too depressed to be turned on?
maybe.... but then again.. not everything turns me on... but you know what i mean right? i dont get excited... is what i mean... get interested.... amused...
and i am one of those people that gets amused really easily as well....

hm...

i'm mixing electro music at the moment.. and i like it.... more than Rnb/hip hop.
turning into a fREAK for electro beats....

--------------------------

i've been having dark thoughts again.... but sexy ones....
sexy dark thoughts?
yea.... sexy dark thoughts...
i'm getting sick in the head again....
finding dark things sexy.... hm....
i want to do them..... but probably shouldnt....
or
maybe i should.... because i might explode if i dont.... that would be worse? than releasing it slowly? watching my step?... right? right?
hm...
maybe...
i'll see what happens...

------------------------------

i was performing at a promotion get together and i was talking , promoting the pussycat dolls performing in australia and some guy just shouted out nicole isnt hot....
and i questioned him... and he said he doesnt think nicole is hot.... and i just wonder.. where, what kind of world do you live in where u say that nicole isnt hot??!! ...... how is she not hot...... NICOLE IS HOT!!... hm.... maybe he's gay... but then gay guys do have great taste for hot women...(well hot is pretty obvious) so maybe he is just an idiot.. and doesnt know what hot is.... maybe he is into a different kind of hot.... who knows...

-------------------------------

i am a YOUTUBE fREAK......

hm.. check this out..... it's natalie (communitychannel) talking about confronting and such... anyways.. thought its good so check it and her out...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnLRd_j9oTc

---------------------

anyways..... heading off and out... got a gig to catch....... AND ITS LIKE 2AM!!!! ... gosh i wish i could sleep.....

-[Pd]-

hm....

im not quite sure what happened today.... so far i have been in four different arguments with four different friends....
now i feel like crap... and i dont know what to say to them...

i dont know if the argument was necessary, or something is bothering me and i just had to pick fights to release myself....

i dont know whats up...


the day was humid, but now is calm
the wind is blowing, the tree branches are swaying to the beat of the wind

my head is hurting, so is my heart.

my body is aching, my finers and feet are numb...

i had a death thought, i crashed.

i'm picking at my wound, so my physical pain would distract me from my emotional pain.
i'm bleeding, but its not working this time.

am i overreacting? am i being too dramatic?
maybe,

whats wrong with me, i dont know.

i tried to fly today, but all that happened is that i hurt my arm, i dont know if its broken... and i dont care.

i am angry, no one can take my anger... they just leave, when really i need them.. my anger is my opening point, but no one can take it, they expect me to cry, cry for help. i dont cry easily.
once i cry, that is when i am completely down and out.

i need another intervention to kick myself straight, be a soldier and move on.
a soldier does not let her/his feelings getting in a way of a battle. its a war out there. and i need to be out there, to survive.

or maybe i just need the proper TLC.. tender loving care... maybe that is what i need.

i dont know and i dont understand.

things happen for a reason.... well this better be well a heck of a reason!!!

-[Pd]-

i am struggling,

my world of love have officially been shattered
...and i dont think i want to mend it anymore.

my career is struggling...

my friendships are struggling...

my life

is struggling.

and i dont think i want to mend....

maybe i want to stay here where i can be safe from feelings, and not to build the high just to crash down to the low, again and again.. repeatedly, constantly.
i was beginning to think it was becoming a rush for me, an addiction... to build the high to feel the crash of the low. but its not the rush im after... i want/wanted to find something, great. just something that i can live and be happy with... someone to love, something to love doing. i want to wake up in the morning and look forward to something that would make me smile... real big.

i use to.
wake up
think
and smile
knowing i have things and people to look forward on doing and seeing,
i dont have anything anymore,
i am dismantled.
and i dont know if i want to mend.

i want happiness, i want someone i can trust to be with and for me always like how i always am for everyone around me... they say "treat others like how you want to be treated".... and people dont treat me the way i treat them... i'm getting sick and tired of the way i am treated... i dont want to be the "nice guy" anymore... nor i want to turn into a bad ass...

the people outside, some think of me as a player they can just get with to have a "good time".... some think im a lame ass loser that is shy and keeps to myself... some think i am a try hard because of how i live and what i do, like my job and my scene...
i dont want to be thought of as those ways... why cant i just be one who tries to make a career from what she enjoys and is friendly that likes to be social... huh? why cant i be that....

the people inside, some think im too nice, and i cant get anything from being nice, most only turn to me when they are troublesome and because they know i will listen... they love me for listening... not the love for being me... not the love that can get me anywhere...
some think that i am too busy chasing my dreams to realise anything in reality, its called having a goal.
some think i think too much.... which i agree on...

maybe the people i feel are close to me, not generally that they feel close to me.. maybe we feel different kinds of closeness, different kinds of love.

they way i feel about you, is guaranteed to be different from the way you feel about me.

i could be hearting you and you could be hating my guts... and i could be digging that and you could be thinking that shit is fucked....

yea.... complicated shit im talking about...
might look simple as you read it... but its been given alot of deep thoughts... maybe it'll be more meaningful if u observe it properly..

sorry about as of late guys.... my life has been pretty fucked up.. deeply.. and i just cant cope... i cant express myself properly... i have tried to post.. but absolutely nothing turns out right.... so i just delete it and hope you would forgive me.


but what i can talk about is that my heart is really hurting.. two days of shocking heart breaking news...
im not going to put any names ... but i'll tell u briefly what happened... first one.. i was briefly been seeing a girl i really fell for... but havnt known for so long... so i felt things were getting to fast.. but turns out she just wanted to get into my pants... because she heard people talk that i am a player and good in bed... so she just wanted to basically trick my into bed, we never did... the situation has been confronted and is now over between the two...
second thing, the straight girl i have been "in love" with for the last four years or so, and repeatedly been brushed off from is now in a relationship with another girl.... how does that make me feel? hurt... and kinda argo... because she was always making herself clear that she was never into girls.... i dont know the story between them... but something i do know is that she has met this girl a few months before i brought up my feelings for her.. her response to that was harsh and clear that she is not into girls.... now.. is that a lie? is she lying to me? our bond was always honest and confronting.... but i realised that it was only on my side that is honest and she confronts me... i never once questioned her... so, is she lying to me?
or i dont question her enough or at all to make her tell me things i need to know... because once i realised it was NEVER going to happen between her and i, i wrote a chapter in my book(my life, not a real book) that she is off limits and no way i can be with her because she was straight and attached, now when she was un-attached... i tried again because i felt like exploding with my feelings because i want her so bad, and i wrote another chapter on how i might get a tiny chance of my feelings... and yet again i got brushed off harshly and clearly, and this time it scared me... so i wrote another chapter in my book to keep myself sane from her, i built up my wall of sanity and facts and fear of loosing her... i pretend my feelings do not exist... and now this happens and all my walls have shattered and my book riped up.... everything is in chaos. i am hurt because i have to shut my feelings off from her in every way... keep it inside and feel the pain for many years... when i want her so much, ... fuck it... i dont know what im saying on this subject anymore...

i will not, contact anyone, unless needed from now... i am tired of initiating all the time, i contact first... after a while because i miss them and or wanna say hi whats up or something, because its been such a long time since last contact that i try not to be the first to contact.... and the response i get is..... " oh i been thinking/wondering about u the other day.... coz we havent communicated in a while"... hm.. why dont or cant you just give me a buzz.... or a message... it aint hard... JUST PUSH THEM BUTTONS ON YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!......
i know its a nice thing to say that u been thinking of someone.... letting them know you havent forgotten about them.... but.. hey, its a bitch waiting for contact.
this is killing my self-esteem too, i feel fucken needy, always being the first to contact... feels like im bothering you in your busy happy life...

see, i dont want to contact and talk to someone when im in shit either.... because i dont feel like i can talk to anyone because they dont give a general hello, how are you.... often or at all.... i cant just open up to anyone easily, i need to have a close bond.. and not have the sense that i am a burden to their lives.
and once i do talk to someone, and they are not there for the after times... i crash... i go fucken emo.....

i get emo with people.... people drive me insanly emo.....

see thats why... i dont think i want to mend...

but i dont want to be cold either.

so what do i do.... i dont know how to cruise in between anymore... since being exposed to feelings... allowing myself to feel... feeling deeper feelings, i have been fucking up everywhere i go...
i cant be social anymore, i cant be or havent been in a stabled relationship for a long time, i have been working poorly, lack of concerntration, no sleep, less food intake, moody, exhausted, and everything else...

maybe, just maybe i think i dont want to mend.

-[Pd]-