i am struggling,

my world of love have officially been shattered
...and i dont think i want to mend it anymore.

my career is struggling...

my friendships are struggling...

my life

is struggling.

and i dont think i want to mend....

maybe i want to stay here where i can be safe from feelings, and not to build the high just to crash down to the low, again and again.. repeatedly, constantly.
i was beginning to think it was becoming a rush for me, an addiction... to build the high to feel the crash of the low. but its not the rush im after... i want/wanted to find something, great. just something that i can live and be happy with... someone to love, something to love doing. i want to wake up in the morning and look forward to something that would make me smile... real big.

i use to.
wake up
think
and smile
knowing i have things and people to look forward on doing and seeing,
i dont have anything anymore,
i am dismantled.
and i dont know if i want to mend.

i want happiness, i want someone i can trust to be with and for me always like how i always am for everyone around me... they say "treat others like how you want to be treated".... and people dont treat me the way i treat them... i'm getting sick and tired of the way i am treated... i dont want to be the "nice guy" anymore... nor i want to turn into a bad ass...

the people outside, some think of me as a player they can just get with to have a "good time".... some think im a lame ass loser that is shy and keeps to myself... some think i am a try hard because of how i live and what i do, like my job and my scene...
i dont want to be thought of as those ways... why cant i just be one who tries to make a career from what she enjoys and is friendly that likes to be social... huh? why cant i be that....

the people inside, some think im too nice, and i cant get anything from being nice, most only turn to me when they are troublesome and because they know i will listen... they love me for listening... not the love for being me... not the love that can get me anywhere...
some think that i am too busy chasing my dreams to realise anything in reality, its called having a goal.
some think i think too much.... which i agree on...

maybe the people i feel are close to me, not generally that they feel close to me.. maybe we feel different kinds of closeness, different kinds of love.

they way i feel about you, is guaranteed to be different from the way you feel about me.

i could be hearting you and you could be hating my guts... and i could be digging that and you could be thinking that shit is fucked....

yea.... complicated shit im talking about...
might look simple as you read it... but its been given alot of deep thoughts... maybe it'll be more meaningful if u observe it properly..

sorry about as of late guys.... my life has been pretty fucked up.. deeply.. and i just cant cope... i cant express myself properly... i have tried to post.. but absolutely nothing turns out right.... so i just delete it and hope you would forgive me.


but what i can talk about is that my heart is really hurting.. two days of shocking heart breaking news...
im not going to put any names ... but i'll tell u briefly what happened... first one.. i was briefly been seeing a girl i really fell for... but havnt known for so long... so i felt things were getting to fast.. but turns out she just wanted to get into my pants... because she heard people talk that i am a player and good in bed... so she just wanted to basically trick my into bed, we never did... the situation has been confronted and is now over between the two...
second thing, the straight girl i have been "in love" with for the last four years or so, and repeatedly been brushed off from is now in a relationship with another girl.... how does that make me feel? hurt... and kinda argo... because she was always making herself clear that she was never into girls.... i dont know the story between them... but something i do know is that she has met this girl a few months before i brought up my feelings for her.. her response to that was harsh and clear that she is not into girls.... now.. is that a lie? is she lying to me? our bond was always honest and confronting.... but i realised that it was only on my side that is honest and she confronts me... i never once questioned her... so, is she lying to me?
or i dont question her enough or at all to make her tell me things i need to know... because once i realised it was NEVER going to happen between her and i, i wrote a chapter in my book(my life, not a real book) that she is off limits and no way i can be with her because she was straight and attached, now when she was un-attached... i tried again because i felt like exploding with my feelings because i want her so bad, and i wrote another chapter on how i might get a tiny chance of my feelings... and yet again i got brushed off harshly and clearly, and this time it scared me... so i wrote another chapter in my book to keep myself sane from her, i built up my wall of sanity and facts and fear of loosing her... i pretend my feelings do not exist... and now this happens and all my walls have shattered and my book riped up.... everything is in chaos. i am hurt because i have to shut my feelings off from her in every way... keep it inside and feel the pain for many years... when i want her so much, ... fuck it... i dont know what im saying on this subject anymore...

i will not, contact anyone, unless needed from now... i am tired of initiating all the time, i contact first... after a while because i miss them and or wanna say hi whats up or something, because its been such a long time since last contact that i try not to be the first to contact.... and the response i get is..... " oh i been thinking/wondering about u the other day.... coz we havent communicated in a while"... hm.. why dont or cant you just give me a buzz.... or a message... it aint hard... JUST PUSH THEM BUTTONS ON YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!......
i know its a nice thing to say that u been thinking of someone.... letting them know you havent forgotten about them.... but.. hey, its a bitch waiting for contact.
this is killing my self-esteem too, i feel fucken needy, always being the first to contact... feels like im bothering you in your busy happy life...

see, i dont want to contact and talk to someone when im in shit either.... because i dont feel like i can talk to anyone because they dont give a general hello, how are you.... often or at all.... i cant just open up to anyone easily, i need to have a close bond.. and not have the sense that i am a burden to their lives.
and once i do talk to someone, and they are not there for the after times... i crash... i go fucken emo.....

i get emo with people.... people drive me insanly emo.....

see thats why... i dont think i want to mend...

but i dont want to be cold either.

so what do i do.... i dont know how to cruise in between anymore... since being exposed to feelings... allowing myself to feel... feeling deeper feelings, i have been fucking up everywhere i go...
i cant be social anymore, i cant be or havent been in a stabled relationship for a long time, i have been working poorly, lack of concerntration, no sleep, less food intake, moody, exhausted, and everything else...

maybe, just maybe i think i dont want to mend.

-[Pd]-