hm... so, i'm feeling abit crappy and irritated right now...
and the reason for it seems to be childish.... because it has never bothered me before, i know it will happen one day, and i still hate being in the "will happen one day", did i not prepare myself for it? or did i prepared for something else entirely.

what the fuck am i talking about......... i dont even know...

all i want to say right now is... where the fuck are you when i need you??!!!
i was always there for you!! now where the fuck are you??!!
im not so sure if i'll be there the next time you need me.

i feel like i'm fucking going insane. maybe i'm already there!!
what the fuck do you want, what the fuck is your point?

why am i swearing so much?? because i'm fucken pissed.... if you havent got that...

i cant stay around here anymore...

-[Pd]-

lately i've been thinking

and thinking...


and thinking...


what would happen if nothing happened?

what i mean is... what would happen if we hadn't taken that path that we took...



i sound like im regreating or doubting something....
i guess i partly am....

"sara quin moment"

just a bored so decided to post up "sara moments" hahaha.. enjoy... shes a funny silly one..


"Just for the record if i did that to her she would get my mom to call me and be like "You know Tegan has low self-esteem right now and it doesn't help when you call her names on stage."

"He put a baby inside of me and now he thinks he can love me all the time like in the pornos."


"oh steroid man, you couldnt fit inside me its much too small"

"buenos nachos" (i laughed so hard at that one)

"Sometimes i feel like were such pussys, like we need to break shit and have sex with horses"

"My mom has amazing breasts"

Do you think the guy on the subway that is touching himself feels like he is spreading love? I will tell you right now there is a law against that."

"This next song is about when you get your heart broken and you try your best to glue it back together and you wake up one morning and you're so happy because you realize, "Oh my God, the tape's holding"

Tegan: "we love something together, and we made it together and we appreciate that and we'll always have that bond..."
Sara: "it was a mistake, I should've worn a condom."

"Home for me is when I can walk from the bathroom around the house naked"

t- hi, Sara can you keep playing so I can keep playing?
s- I don’t really usually play in this part.
t- oh really? Okay you go like this. This cord, then you go up to this cord right here.
s- oh, I don’t know if I can do that.
t- well skip that part and go back up to this part.
s- yeah, okay that’s good.
t- …2 3 4 (sings, stops) no, now you go up to that other cord.
s- I know, but see, I don’t play the same parts as you, I just, I cant do it. I’m sorry
t- you have to finish the song!

interviewer:give me three reasons why tegan and sara will always be cooler than the olsen twins.
sara:(laughs) well, it’s not like we’re really cool or anything, but…well, i don’t know if it’s just me, but isn’t there something sort of eerie about them?

Sara: Um, this is a cover song. Uh, I tried to learn a new cover but iiiiii didn't sound good? So i'm going to go back to the old sound uh-uh-umm.. yeah you know-you know what i'm saying. So this-this-this is it.
*Strums guitar but the sounds not projecting*
*presses petal*
*strums guitar*
*presses petal*
*strums guitar*
Tegan: Uh Sara you have the wrong guitar.
*Sara strums guitar again*
Sara: I have the wrong guitar.
Tegan: Yeah.
Sara: Excuse me thats really embrassing! *puts up hand* I'm going to go get a guitar thats plugged in.

sara: who wants to come over at 3 in the morning and take pictures of me?
tegan: of you??
sara: uh, i mean with me

tegan: sara you ate the whole thing of cookies?
sara: no, other people ate them too.
tegan: oh my god there's only one left!
sara: other people ate them too!!(admittedly), I had a few.

"thank you for that. I feel slightly embarrased, but excitable"


“God. Loosen up. Sergeant Sunshine.”

T: Sara drank a red bull before the show, as well as the whole band they all are making absolutely no fucking sence, so I told them they weren’t aloud to talk but Sara jumped right in there
S: Ok so I don’t drink caffeine but we played a show tonight and I figured I needed a bit of an upper, so I hope this all makes sence. We are real hard core when we really wanna get fucked up we just drink a red bull.

"Look at me... I'm like, if I punch her quickly in the face it will only hurt for a second"

"and so i put the money in and i start getting my massage..and this dirty old man walks by and his all like look at her she is totally getting off, it's turning her on. she likes the chair! she loves it!"

Sara: ... I put on a sweater this morning while I was doing my hair and I'm not thinking this is a girls thing cuz we've all done it and whether or not you say you've done it, I've done it, and you all have done it, so don't say you didn't do it.... .. but I forgot to put on deodorant... I'm a litlle person I don't even sweat that much, I'm short I'm out of shape, so I don't sweat a lot, but if you smell something.... just think of it as another little piece of Tegan and Sara for you to take home... OKAAY sooooo .. this is called hype.

well i know heaps more but i'll stop here lol... so did u enjoy it? lol

-[Pd]-

hello hello...

how are we all?

i am pretty good right now.. pretty good.
just relaxing.. enjoying almost every moment i have..
holidays are coming around .... looking forward to it... looking forward to spending time with my gorgeous friends and family...

been to nicky's the other day.. and DAMN SHE HAS A HUGE HOUSE!!! lol..when she said it was big... SHE MEANT IT!! hahaha... hm... maybe i should move in? lol.. just a thought... but she did offer.. but just a thought lol.. and her dog must be the most friendly doggie i've ever met... her name is Arden and although shes an american pitbull she is such a sweet dog..

hm... i dont really know what to write about now.. nothing else really happened... just hung out with nicky most of my time now.. and i could just talk about that.. but im sure your sick of me talking about nicky already!!.. lol.

so hm.. i'll just end it here? and come back when i actually do have something to say lol...

til then, take care... and share your love... we need more of that in the world.

-[Pd]-

her

hey, sorry about not finishing that post below... but um.. yea..

um.. i got tired and lazy?


this morning i woke up saying...

i love it when she gets close and say i love you, i love it when she gives me hugs, i love it when she calls me for no particular reason at all, i love it when we text message each other through out the day, i love the way she drives her hot sexy black manual car?, i love it when she always finds time to spend with me even if its the most hectic day, i love that she cares to almost everything, i love it that shes so polite yet i love it when she releases alil anger and frustration sometimes, i love it how she laughs or smiles at my lame jokes or just at something i said at all, i love it that she finds me interesting, i love her beautiful smile, i love her look, i love the soft gentle touch she gives me when im down or when she tries to calm me down, i love her accent in her voice, i love that she likes my music and lyrics even though she's not into the genre, i love the way she's taken me in to her life and shown me what i should look forward to, i love it how she inspired me and gave me something to believe in. i love that she loves me.

then... i said..

i hate myself for loving her, i hate the fact that i found a great girl and cant be with her as wanted, i hate the fact that she's so great and loves me too. i hate the fact that shes so close yet so far away, i hate the fact that she is off limits, i want to go beyond that limit even just to know what it feels like.


i'm going in too deep and feeling uncontrolably uncomfortable.
-------------------------
i'm wondering where everyone else is?.. no one seems to be around right now, i know some are busy with school, uni and work and things.. but where are the rest of the people? or am i blocking everyone else out? because im too stuck into my shit..


anywhos... take care guys and girls..

-[Pd]-

hello hello...? how have you all been lately.... i apologise that i haven't been blogging much.. my mind has been occupied with current issues.. yet i feel like i dont have anything to say... maybe i'm just having trouble starting..

well i'll start with.. me?.. lol.. (yea i know.. lame joke.. but i think its funny.. for abit, good for a chuckle at least) i think i liked it better before i went into hospital, im not sure what my body or mind is up to right now, i keep getting really extremely tired and end up sleeping for most of my 24 hours, im not even sure if it's supose to be doing that, it sounds wrong already.. like i mean who sleeps for almost 24 hours in.. 24 hours?. and honestly if u leave me alone i will fall asleep, yesterday.. i slept for the whole day and the only time i woke was to use the bathroom or when nicky texted me...

(ah, i seemed to start well? i think.. well to find another topic.. hm)

ah yes, i went to church, twice.... and.. it was awesome? its awesome because it wasnt as i expect it to be, it was like a mini rock concert!!! awesome indeed.. so awesome i want to go again? but is it ok to just go for the music? i feel like its not ok just to go for the music... the reason i went to church the first place was because dear Nicky prayed for me, like i said before, she prayed extremely for me so i'd just thought it would be good for me to go church with her to thank her and god?.. or is it jesus.. or is it god and jesus... or jesus is god?... i dont know.. i'll find out.. and get back to you lol.. but yea.. i went to thank.. and found out i enjoyed it..awesome mini rock concert.. although singing of the lord... i enjoyed the music..

i tried the "green tea" ice cream the other night.. i didnt like it so much.. it was like a "hm... ooookaaay.." sort of impression, both nicky and i thought it tasted like full cream ,cream?.. or full cream milk.. which ever.. so yea.. i wanted and craved and STILL craving a choc mint... lol..

hm... THE FOUR are planning to get together... ( three goes to melbourne to see one lol equals four!!)

gonna jet off for a few hours... come back later to continue this post....

*sigh*

i'm feeling depressed. could it be true that my family is having troubles again? with the exactly same troubles again?. if so, am i going to go thruough the same stange of miserable-ness like i once was in?

i hope not.
i hope i've grown stronger than that, but i do feel myself weakening to every situation happening to me right now and theres no one i can talk to, well i do but no one has the patients or enough patients for troubled me. it is hard enough trying to find or make sence of things and putting them into word can just kill me, so if i could make sence of things and able to put them into words then i dont need to talk it out. simple enough isnt it? why cant most people just sit there with me, just sit, it's not hard.


i can be dramatic in the moment of things, actually i think everyone is. and i say that is because when i feel depressed i noticed i become suicidal, and i dont know if i am trying to get attention? or am i really feeling that way, or... am i just curious of what it can deliver me. i just dont know, but i'm really dramatic and serious, and my mood swings like crazy and i wonder about my mood swings as well, am i using that as an advantage to lie to myself about the current situation? and or to let me see a different side of things.

why cant we EVER follow our own advice? or are we too messed up to think to it. its like having a top view of the maze and being in the maze itself, it can be a HUGE diference.


---

i'm going to be in the hospital for the next couple of days starting tomorrow for treatment, the treatment could be dangerous because it's to the brain so i have to stay there for a couple of days so they can keep an eye on me, i hope i'll be fine though, like i told everyone.
Nicky has been praying for me, like literally praying for me, like going to church and holding and reading the bible to sleep sort of praying, extreme isnt it? but it does help me to have hope!! like i never had before, she's such a sweetheart and it melts my heart from everything she does for me. Thank you Nicky for caring so much and showing me your extreme Love and kindness. I love you more than more!! .. lol..

Thank you all of you for caring.

-[Pd]-

between

i cant think or be negative because she prays for me.



but i cant help but wonder why i'm scared of dying now, i was always ready,even encouraged myself, but why am i afraid now.

-[Pd]-

Miss P & Matt Roberts

wow.. i'd thought this day will never come... BUT IT'S HERE!!!... MISS P & MATT ROBERTS.. on a poster!! LMAO.. how can i not be so excited ey?

Matty and me , on a poster.... hahaha
friggen hillarious...













-[Pd]-

your sad eyes, they dont keep me alive, like they use to.

someone close to me said that to me today, and it made me feel sad.

-[Pd]-

hm.. so today was a pretty good ok-ish day lol.. nah it was good.

woke up... my cousin hong picked me up.. and we droped jeremy off at school then visited my high school, its nice to see everyone again, like my english teacher, some of the students like karen and carolyn.. seeing them makes me realised how much i miss them and how i miss the innocent school days, i cant believe its been a year since i've signed out of school. then hong took me to breaky... we had steak at canley hights.. lol yup a HUGE ASS STEAK for breaky.. lol..then we went to office works so she could stock up for her hsc.. then went to visit another friend name diana, all three of us went to McDonalds for ice cream, then went into harvey norman i think, to just muck around in the furniture section... then talked about moving in together and what we'll need if we do.. hahaha.. fun.. then went to woolsworth to buy some more ice cream and 4L of apple juice.. went back to diana's house so that hong and diana could study, but we didnt end up doing that.. we ended up playing a drinking game with the 4L of juice... haha and we kept laughing for some reason.. is it possible to get high from juice? coz i think we did.. anyways.. we recorded up being studpid with the drinking game... then got to the time to go home... lol..

got home.. and so bumed out, took a shower and waited for the juice to settle down so i could have dinner lol, messaged nicky for awhile during the day, then stoped coz at her workplace was busy..


well.. thats it

-[Pd]-

today, today

went out with Lisa and Anna today, also caught up with diane and Quynh only for a while though.
so anyways went out with Lisa and Anna... we ate yum cha, then caught a movie then shoped around for a while then ate again then went home.. pretty tired right now.. oh,, and also took some of those thingy pictures, dream pictures? i think.

umz... not much happening lately.. just really tired.. and dont feel like actually doing anything... but still i do, do things.. just to hang out with the people i love and try to please them... incase anything major happens to me or to anyone else or to anything at all.

yes yes.... thats it,,

-[Pd]-

wasted

i dont know just what i'll do
everytime you walk into the room
oh my head is spinning round
and i cant see clearly right now
im wasted, im so wasted on you
i dont knw if i'll survive
in this magical land behind your eyes
and theres all these funny little men
their all asking me to dance and sing
im wasted, im so wasted on you
red and yellow pink and green purple and orange and blue
are all the colours i see my love, everytime i see you
im wasted, just so wasted on you.

-[Pd]-

so... whats up you guys?
lol..
just updating... but hm... what to say...

well just had a dramatic ep... went to the hospital and stayed there for um.. 2nights.. but im fine now..

went out with nicky again today, vivian also came along.. it was nicky's nephew(s)'s birthday parties today .. so it was like a kids party lol... at a park very far from where i live lol.. but really nice there, also got to met her family!!... lol.. i felt it was too soon to met family.. but did it anyways lol.. but the great thing is that they are a kool bunch.. realllllly realllly kool bunch lol.. i wish my family is like that lol..

i think hanging out with nicky is actually easing my stress and im able to sleep now...because i noticed that everytime i see her or have a really long conversation with her then i sleep that night..and pretty well as well.

i dont know where or what kind of relations nicky and me are having or heading..

Marilyn went home last night... yup... flew all the way back..to america.. i think i disapointed her abit with her stay here.. didnt have THAT much time with her.. i think i take a trip in return to see her... i feel so bad...

hm.. work has been really hectic... not allowed to work at the moment.... they wont let me!!.... i told them that i am fine... but they just wont let me.. so i dont know whats going on at work... ARGH!!... thats why i had a day off and went out with nicky lol..

um.. hi helen.. i know your reading this.. so i'd just thought i'd say hi.. lol

wellp.. this be it for this post.. take care!!

-[

wow, is this real??!!

lol... ok.. so something suprisingly shocking? happened..
so anyways, this girl i met while i was in L.A, her name is marilyn, well she flew all the way from L.A to see me!! and we dont even know each other enough for something like that to happen... lol.

i just have to say this first.. have you ever seen someone that likes you, shaking and tremble or completely speechless as they are trying to talking to you? well i did, and that was the most cutest, sweetest thing EVER!!... lol

i was working last night in the studio with jane and jane told me she'd be gone for like two hours for a meeting.. and then she came back and marilyn was with her!! i was totally shocked!! she was so beautiful just standing there with roses in her hands.. i could see that she was shaking, that must be the most sweetest, most romantic thing i have experienced ever...
she was just standing there, so i walked over to invite her in... she couldnt speak for like about 5mins? lol.. and i asking.. "wow, what are you doing here" sorta questions...
and she said " i came here to see you,since that night we met, i couldnt and cant stop thinking of you." " i just had to do something to see you, and i dont know when you were going to come back, so i called up jane and she helped me out, and now i'm here".

marilyn is such a sweet amazing girl... and pretty amazing? to fly here JUST to see me.. its just wow.... this makes me feel like im on top of the moon!! i'd never thought someone can feel so strongly about me like this before..

i'll write more next time..

-[Pd]-


---------------

(part 2 of posty)

ok .. so where was i?.. ah, yes.. um.. yea i never had anyone feels so strong about me before... well maybe i have but I DONT KNOW..

she's going to leave in a couple of days, i met her when i was working with bradly in the studio, she was one of the staffs there that looks after the studios...
Marilyn reminds me of Katie Melua.. lol , when i saw her i thought i was meeting katie melua!! lol.. but she was one of the staffs. Marilyn actually help me with most of the equiptment there, which was really cool.

so anyways... shes here now and its so cute to watch someone go weak for you!! lol...

just had brunch with her... coz breaky lasted till lunch!! lol... and she is staying with jane,

now, i dont know where to go from here.

-[Pd]-

Be careful on what you wish and dream for.

Wishes and dreams can be very deadly... Dangerous I mean. I can turn out good, great, it could be the best thing ever... but it can also be so out of control that neither you nor anyone else can handle it... I found that out the hard way.


One of the girls said to me “Love only comes once in your life” and that makes me wonder… how do you know if its love, how do you know if it’s there. How do you know what love is? What I found out is that I don’t know what love is, I’d always thought I knew, but I realized that it was only an overwhelming excitement of new experiences. That’s what I realized with part of my feelings…

I’ve always said that I’m a committed person, and I personally still believe that I am!!! I mean like if I do like (“LOVE”) someone then I’ll give them my full attention… but lately I’ve been really messed up in that factor… I’ve been jumping from here to there… continuously with new girls every so often, and honestly I don’t know way it’s happening, I don’t even realize it until its now too late!! I think maybe this is happening is because I want to see my options… like look for someone I actually like, then I’ll stop, but I have found someone I really like, but I cant be with her so I try to continue this random pick up play… to forget about the fact I cant have her…. Is that right? Is that’s what’s happening? Probably.

I feel so messed up. I don’t know what I really want right now. Things that I want just always seem to have a positive and a negative… but then everything is like that, if not to you then for others around you or just others.

-[Pd]-

i love simple things...

I LOVE SIMPLE THINGS!!!...... just thought i'd make that clear lol..

i like to do simple things... maybe because i have a simple mind.... most of the time anyways..

yea.. i went out with nicky last night, and i had a great time... actually both of us had a great time... we went for dinner then caught a movie (we watched superbad, it was a good movie!!) then went for ice-cream... lol.. and according to her, i am her "junkfood".... and i dont mind lol.. because that means im special to her... lol.. because you know how people are toward junkfood... they want it but they know they shouldnt have it... and when they do have it, IT FEELS GREAT!! lol.. you know what i mean?
she's great... and she likes to hang out with me... just hang out you know? and we dont need to do anything EXTREME to enjoy each other's company.. we just sit and talk kinda thing... have a drive, catch a movie... have dinner..

ANYWAYS... lol.. enough about nicky..and how great she is and makes me feel....

HOW ARE YOU?? i'm sorry i havent asked that in a while.. you know that i care about each and everyone of you.... i just forget to say things once in a while, you know? i try my best to have time for each and everyone of you as well... and blogging just helps me to reach out to all of you at once!! LOL... you know how lazy i am ^_^" .

pretty busy with work as well... the Australian's dj-ing competition is on soon AND The world's dj competition is coming back again soon also... and need to prepare for it..... not sure if i want to attend it this year...
maybe i should skip it and try to work on an album instead, like perfect recording all the songs i've writen... pro it up.. if you like.. lol... i think that'll be better...

yea.. if you must know.. i'm still having trouble with relationships.. i dont know why it's so hard though.... i dont know what sort of status i'm in with them, like what am i to them? like do they see me as a partner? a friend? a something? lol.. i dont know.. thats the trouble with relations and bonding. it can never make sence.

oh yea... ROUNDABOUTS ARE FUN!! went around the roundabouts about three times with nicky last night lol.... yes.. simple silly things amuses me as well... but isnt that a good thing? i think its a great thing!! it just simply means that i can enjoy life more easier and quicker...
everything has a simple side of it.. and i love that fact... it doesnt make me a lazy person to everything.. lol

my heart is feeling pretty good at the moment.. I am feeling pretty good. and i'm glad i said that, because it's true.

i feel good, and lets hope that feeling stays for a while... forever even...

enjoy your day/night.

-[Pd]-

in the land of women

In the land of women is a movie i am currently watching...
this movie, i bought a while back.. well anyway.. im watching it again.. now..

i like this movie, for me its an emotional yet feel good movie that encourage me tp just sit down a think about the people around me, but you got to pay attention in order to understand, the story either goes too quickly or too simutationally that you cant understand, or it can be boring for you... but i like it.

theres a scene in there where a girl is pissed off and she runs to the bathroom, locked the door then turned on the tap... now that makes me think... i probably know the answer but i still want to know, why does it feel so good being around fast running powerful water? is it because of the strong high pressure feeling of freedom is being released?(gee i dont even know if that made sence?)

a smile can make you cry... either from a beautiful moment or a really nasty mean one... a smile and make you cry.

why does it feel so good just to sit in the middle of an empty park......??

-[Pd]-

erm.. dont really know what to write here... i just thought i havent posted in a while so thought i'd swing by to pop in a line or two... or more.. who knows.

so.. lets see. hm.

why do little kiddies pick their nose then eat it?.. lol

why cant i perfect my skateboarding skills??

why do i continue to push myself to the edge??

why am i running out of things to say??

-[Pd]-

mr.turtle!!

adopt your own virtual pet!

great day...

I’d just like to talk about a great day I had yesterday (Thursday), why was it great? Because I got to do almost everything I like to do in one day… so what I did was… I hung out with Nicky through the day, had yum cha in the morning with her, then had coffee, then caught a movie, then went to chipping Norton lake/park/river.. whatever… to just sit and enjoyed the sun set, we also talked by the way…. So that was a great day for me, that’s how I like to spend my days…

Well you see, I’m talking about it because not many people want to do this with me anymore, and I finally found someone (that I’m not dating) and it feels good. Just to hang out.

So yea….

OH!! ALSO... roundabouts are fun!! hahaha... yea i also made nicky drive around it, and she seemed to enjoyed it too so that was great also!.

-[Pd]-

hello hello dear people....
how have you all been?
i, for one, am EXHAUSTED!!!....... and what have i been doing?, um... continueously working..... yup, working hard once again..... well maybe a party here or there and also "quickies" here and there, but then thats a whole different story!!!.
right now im just glad im at home.......... and i want to go to sleep, but i do feel bad about not blogging... so im blogging before i hit the few hours sleep im going to have. HOPEFULLY!!!

oh... and i finally have a new business phone!! yay me, i might have another or new phone number... so stay tuned... but if i do then i'll probably give it to you ( if i know you) anyways...

um.... i think i might grab a drink (alcoholic drink) after work tomorrow..... i really want one badly.... i could have it now but then i want a lot so to be safe i'll have it tomorrow.... YAY CANT WAIT FOR WEEKND!! well this weeknd anyways.. because i dont have any work what so ever.. (not unless jane is cruel and calls me out for work!!) and i can finally go shopping? yes.. you heard me right.... i said SHOPPING!!! CLOTHES SHOPPING!!! no no, i asure you im not going crazy..... and dont need much help, thank you very much girls, i dont need help PICKING out my clothes... i'll manage... not unless you want to tag along and watch boring me buy things.........


ok.. i dont have much to say now and need sleep really badly... im just hopeing no one comes over tonight , or else i'll wont able to sleep again.... and perform really badly at work..(means if i dont reach my target i wont get paid much.. AND MONEY COUNTS RIGHT NOW)

nighty night now.....

-[Pd]-

Naomi

that's right, her name is Naomi.

don't know who she is? well i don't know who she is either, but i'll tell you why i'm talking about her. Naomi is a girl that sits across me at work. she is this sex-ing-ly beautiful tall brunette that occasionally glances and smiles at me throughout the day.
theres more but i dont want to get into too much details. but its all good, its all good.

ok, on another topic, what kind of present would you give to a pregnant girlfriend? someone said to me to get her a bracelet and cook a warm comfort meal. or buy her pj's.... that actually seems like a very good and cute idea and it tickles me pink to think about it.

ok, so, if i would cook for a girl, what would i cook for her? what kind of warm comfort meal that is simple enough for me to cook, mainly quickly. what can i cook for her that says i love you and the little baby inside you.


whats with me and pregnant girls and young mothers... well to explain what i mean there is that pregnant girls mean pregnant with me not before they met me, or cheat on me kinda thing. etc etc. theres a whole side of me that adapts to this that you dont know. well maybe some of you do, but not all of you.

umz..... yeah.. thats all i think...

-[Pd]-

blah blah

With the exceptions of my current issues that I have gotten over, other things has been happen also. Ok, so I just got to admit that working two jobs isn’t as fun as it seem awhile ago, I say that because, well it takes my freedom away from me and I have absolutely no sleep what so ever which cause me to no eating as well, my appetite just isn’t there anymore. So all I’ve been living on is coffee and tea but if I do have to eat then it’s a muesli bar that takes the position. So most of you don’t know what my work is so I’m going to tell you, the first job is my Dj-ing which, well I have been doing for a long time now and the second job is a CSR (customer service representative) for a company called TeleTech which works for Telstra and my department supports Telstra Bigpond ADSL (HA!! I would so rub this job into my high school IT teacher because she failed me in IT and I have a great position in the IT world. IN YOUR FUCKEN FACE BITCH!! *ahem* I also work with Colin from my high school grade.[wow, primary together, then high school together and now working together].) Ok enough about work and complaining about work, since I got myself in that situation.

Let’s see.

Ha. Train rides are very interesting, you can bump into almost every kind of personality there is, EVER!!!
Well I already knew that and you’d probably knew that too but I’m just saying it now because last night’s train ride home for me was really crazy, and crazy isn’t the crowded pushing and pulling and loud old trains or whatever but what I mean is that, well, I did hated my high school experience (not all but most of it), and I just experienced it again while I was on the train. These two teenage girls, I wasn’t so sure if they were still in school or not but they bugged me though out the whole ride home. They were talking about, well more like bitching about other people, like there school/friends, it was so disturbing sitting right next to them and having to hear everything, ok so you’d say that isn’t that bad right? Ok so it wasn’t that bad except that they weren’t good looking girls and they acted like they were and that just made them really trashy and they even talked about how the first time they kissed and have sex or whatever!! And that wasn’t bad enough for you they started singing…. Really loudly in their annoying high pitched, broken voices. Everyone sitting there was full on looking and staring at them but they didn’t seem to care. I wanted to jump off the train so badly that after the train ride I had to slap myself to get myself to calm down, but whilst that was happening, I was looking at this girl I noticed sitting across me on the train that was quiet cute, she looked like another version of Nicky, she was like an aussie or white if you must call her and abit rounder version of Nicky, which I found very interesting and cute in a way, so she kept me on that train or else I would have jumped off the train either while its still running and kill myself ( actually exaggerating, there are worse people than them, but the world has it’s people), or to catch the next train. It’s over now. It’s over now. GEE.

sometimes i think it's a waste of effort/energy/time/comfort getting angry and worked up because of stupid little things, regardless what it is.

sometimes i think i think too much, and sometimes of that sometimes i take it personally. even if i know i shouldn't.

sometimes i dont think at all before my actions, and that leads me to unwanted situation and sometimes i get lucky and it doesnt lead me to unwanted situations.

wow, im taking the whole day to write this.

ok. take care now. kind of ran out of things to say, you'd probably picked that up during reading.

-[Pd]-

it is not fair to be in this situation. ITS NOT FAIR!!!
seriously i dont want to sound like a stuck up bitch or a jerk or whatever but its not fair that i am being put down by you girl fighting about me all the time. not fair for me to be in the middle of things. i dont like to be in the middle of things. i want to be the one on the outside, trying to comfort people that needs comforting. etc etc,. i used to think girls fighting for me is cool and all but it aint. IT AINT!!! i feel like im up myself talking about this. but i need to say it. because you people dont understand when i say it to you. you just dont understand. so hopefully writing it you might read it again.

HEY I feel free time, so I decided to come on here and post something, since some of you keeps complaining that I don’t post enough. For one, I don’t have much to say anymore... surprising, I know. Well, currently working two jobs now as well so I don’t have enough time to actually sit down and write a post or have anything happening at all.

Actually, something did happen. I almost got married. But I realised it wasn’t going to work, because I didn’t or don’t know what I want yet. With my future and whole sexual gender thing. You should know what I mean.

I’m still wishing that I was still in Vietnam. or felt free and so careless and have money to spend. You know. The whole. 'yay, I have no responsibility, lets go out and have a coffee this morning and go out on my motorbike and have a great day'. Oh how I miss that. I wish I could go back and take some of you with me, I reckon some of you need and deserve a vacation like that.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and it’s come to this. I am unsure of a lot of things, but I guess that a good thing, right? I mean like it’s not really nice to know EVERYTHING. To me that would scary and boring, because you don’t have anything for you to keep learning from, and you cant find out who and how you are and adapt to the environment around you, basically, living is to continually learn, learn new things everyday and have special feelings of achievements that you learnt something and of course have special moments to feel proud of.
Can you actually imagine someone knowing everything? Or they think they know everything? I think it’s impossible to know everything overall. Well because, everything means ‘EVERYTHING’. That kind of explains itself.

I have no more mysterious thinking, talk to say right now so I’ll just talk about other things and probably get back or linger back to my ‘ I wonder’ kind of thinking again.

Well, Jane hasn’t been pretty happy with me for the last month or two, or two and a half. OH but anyways. I hope we’ll work things out before it becomes too late.

Hmm. found myself reject a lot of people now-a-days, not so sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t feel like I want a relationship right now but at the same time I do? Or, well, I want someone I can actually stay with for more than three months. -_-“ . don’t know.
I feel like this, “if you cant meet my expectations then I wont date you”. But then I think that’s a really wrong thing to say, because expectations are just something to ruin a lot of good things, if I would follow my expectations then I wont give chances to know each other, you just cant help who you fall for. This brings me back to me saying I’m not sure about a lot of things, and to give people a chance to know you or for you to know them then you’ll learn what you like and don’t like. Explaining my confused self brings me to another point. Am, I being confused or unsure of what I want made me bi-sexual? Maybe, Maybe not. Huh. Wow, I feel like I’m hating my sexual orientation. I hope not, because I would like to know that I like who I am. I do like who I am.


Well. I’m having some coffee now so I’ll end it here.

Take care now.

-[Pd]-

nothing much has been happening, but still wanted to write so here it is.



as i said, nothing has been happening but i have been thinking alot about all sorts of things, like what you ask? well lets say about all sorts of things, like for example, what would it be like if i would to get married now and have kids in the follow year or two, i've been thinking that because alot of marraige issues came up in my life. but then again, what if i decided that i don't want to get married or if i wanted to marry a girl, what would happen? for one thing for sure is that family will be very disapointed and such.



Another thing i been thinking of is my career, right now i feel as though i might not be as confident in it as i used to be, because i saw myself freak/stressed out when i was under minor pressure and that just shut me down. so now i dont know if i am able to keep myself in this business.



something else i have been thinking of is. well actually thats all i've been thinking of mostly and then i, as me, thought about putting both those thoughts together and i get married and have kids and leave my career, or if i still want to be in the career then i'll just marry a guy in the same career as i am, like my best bud that decided he wants to marry me, see ... thats my simple thinking.



ok, that sounds like stupid thinking, the kind of thinking when im tired of thinking.

talking to myself kinda moment

Loving you is wrong, and it should always stay that way.
Because it's wrong to love you, and to love you is wrong?
It is great that i find you amazing, but the feelings I'm having is wrong. I didnt even know your name, how you look like or how you are, you were just someone people mentioned. Untill i met you. two weeks later you became irressitable to me, your name and smile became stuck on my mind. i despited the connection we had and my heart felt weak. i struggled to live with you, but i seemed to have made it out alive, alive and farely well actually. Now my heart and mind is in a battle of whether it was a drag or a refreshment that i met you.
Actually, i think this wrong love has refreshed me. it has made me realised things i have never figured out about myself or how i interact before, but it's a shame that it is the wrong love. you care about me and i care about you, and thats all i needed to feel better.

-[Pd]-

some of my pictures i took while in vietnam

now there you have it. randomn crap i did while in vietnam.

-[Pd]-

hello, hello

GREETINGS FRIENDS.......
er.. hello.. i'm just excited because i actually have the time to go on my blog to continue blogging again!! .. well not THAT excited.. but pretty happy, and yes i am well aware that my last post was like four months ago...

ANYWAYS!!

hello all, how are we? well i am pretty alright, spent most of the last three months overseas, either for a holiday or work, turns out i worked more than relax!. but that was ok, good experience i guess. um,
ok lets start talking back since helen's birthday, which was like on the 20th, well thats her birth date but i cant remember the party date, i think it was like on the 18 or something, ok i must admit i got trashed (well not fully) and ruined my birthday gift for helen, i was to sing to her.. like four songs or so but i sang two and couldnt even remember the lyrics or the chords!! i was so out of tune, SHAME ON ME!! even i knew i stuffed up so i tried to sing it again to her the next day, and i did. she seemed to enjoyed it. which is good. really good.

ok. the end of that week, i went overseas, my first stop was vietnam, i had a really great time there because i actully got to catch up with my family after so many years (7 years actually or 8), i meet new family members ( eg. my cousin's husbands and wives, nieces, nephews, well you get the point) i really much enjoyed it, i wasted my money everyday on going out to cafes, but that was fun, really relaxing and gives me a chance to have intimate moments or to know my family members better. Also ate alot of food the first couple of weeks, didnt even give me a chance to get hungry yet. hahaha... i also ate different kinds of cool foods, like, turtles, mouse/rat, frogs, sea snails and other snails and shelled creatures like crabs and such, snakes, goat, and yea i think thats about it. they were all good, nice and tasty.
i got sick alot while i was there and just my luck that my cousin's wife is a new gaduate phramistist, so i was almost daily medicated. i didnt mind but OHMYGOD they give out alot of tablets!! to drink at a time. *sigh*.
i had the chance to ride motorcycles there and I TOOK IT!! so i kinda took myself around most of the time, which was really fun. so that was about one month in vietnam.

my next stop was to america, to work. now this is a really tough and stressing time. i spent almost two months there just working and going to venues and competitions. i actually at one or two point freaked out and had a nervous breakdown, but im ok now. thank god.

i went back to vietnam again to release my stress and such, which worked. yay. and contiued to have fun with family. i have gotten pretty closed to my cousin and his wife, i hung out with them everyday ( i lived with them while i was there) and still continue to call them now that im back home in Australia.

so, that was mt three months absent from Australia or i vanished from the earth as some of my friends said. i apologise that i didnt keep in contact as much as i said i would have, but im back now!! so you would have to put up with me once again, great isnt it!!

i hope you enjoyed all that jib up there, well if you didnt then it is kinda your fualt by reading it in the first place. LOL.

farewell. until next time.

-[Pd]-

so, how are we all? i am exhausted...

well, alot has been happening lately... like, work and life. lol..two major dividers.
work has been a handful recently since the organisation has bloomed. WOOHOO. internationaly been regconised, and to get that, its AMAZING!! so yay.
been working odd hours, so very tired and my body is stressing out and my mind feels like it can blackout at any second now. but other than that, work is good, work with great fun people and we are a family ^_^, a very hard working family that works hard!! hahaha.....
and who can forget dear Jane with her butt in her jeans -_-".. very nice sweetie..

well.. on to life now.. not very exciting... but i must say its pretty stressful.
um, thinking of moving out of home, i want to but i dont know if its really what i desire... because home is home, and home is such a powerful word to describe.. well my home. so yea.
thinking of getting a partner. i think maybe the single life isnt for me, since i feel like im going insane not talking to someone or such... mabe that is because i have always been with someone. alwells.
been thinking alot of sara, and i want to go visit her and stay with her for a while, but she is busy at the moment so yea.. maybe soon. yea, i miss her heaps.

OH!!... have u tried mood colours? mood colours are like when u look at a colour and it makes u feel a certain way for example, the obvious, blue calms you or red makes u angry.
for me, white makes me go crazy, green makes me sleepy, red makes me crave blood and thinks of suicide and death, blue blanks me and so on.....
i find mood colours fasinating, and the thing is.. this only works for some people, not everyone can use mood colours.

umz. well recently contacted Nicky again... and she got married in december last year, and she didnt tell me, her reason was she didnt know how to tell me and didnt know i'd react and how it would effect our relationship..... well i guess that a good enough reason...

umz.yea... im pretty tired now.....

-[Pd]-

..whoa?..

ok so i meet this girl a couple of weeks back, she is from brisbane, she came to sydney for a visit, so i meet her at a cafe at the city where i had spent the night with a couple of girl friends of mine.. well anyways.. one thing led to another, and we did it, u know... we did it. it was great but thats not the point of this post.. well maybe it is because like.... 2 nights ago she called me and things happened lol.. and i last night i was on my gay networking website and i found her profile page and she had a mini blog on it. and to my fasination i found me on her blog lol..

well anyways, i found a very intimate post of me about the phone call. and i think what she wrote is heavyly exagerated. but i find it interesting the way she feels about me and situations. so here it is.... ( ahh warning. if u do NOT wish to read intimate things about me i advise u close the page now. otherwise, enjoy? [i'll change the font colour so its not so exposed- highlight it to see it].).

Called her yesterday. started off with a usual conversation, was thrilled to fly back to where she is in 2weeks' time, but I couldnt wait. I can't wait to fuck her again. I love hearing her moan for help, moan for me to stop, cos she can't take it anymore. I love her breasts, love it when she comes and becomes so wet I wanna finger her til she scream my name.I got hornier by the minute. told her i missed her... so much.. that i wanna fly back right now, this moment, so that i can hold her, kiss her, finger her, strip off her clothes, and lick her pussy. she told me she misses me arching my back, moaning in our doggy. I got wet... very soon.. I had our toy.. in me.. and was moaning into the phone.. It was so loud i think my housemates heard.. i was embarassed at the end of it.. cos i felt shy... i had an orgasm over the phone.. she described what she has been wanting to do to me, and i can't help getting aroused and touched myself... i fingered myself and imagined her doing her in me... it felt soo goood. i had to let out my pain, my climax, I told her i was coming, told her to come harder, faster.. i breathed hard. she kept quiet the whole time, listening to me moan. I couldnt think of anything to say, i was just thrusting it in and out of me so fast that whenever i wanna tell her i love her over the phone, i couldnt. I kept moaning, louder and harder..And I came. it was the best orgasm i've ever had. Over the phone. It was so sensual, i could feel her coming all over me, and dripping wet on my satin sheets. I love you baby. U make me come like no other men had ever. I'm gonna fuck you so hard u scream for help.

so there you go. when i read it, i was like WHAT THE FUCK??!! lol..

nothing more to say.

-[Pd]-

whats the point.

do you remember the post i wrote called "through the glass"?

the exact thing happened to me again today.

for those who doesnt know, look for the post for a detailed feel. or.. i'll cut it short for u here, right now. that post was about how i went to this cafe and i sat on the inside of the cafe and there were tables on then outside and a glass wall dividing. i saw a girl, she made me feel confident, yet confused. and so on... passinate moment. then she vanished as if she isnt real. i still dont know if she is real or not, i dont want her to be an illusion, i dont want to loose that moment. i felt so much in such little time.

the exact thing happened. that familiar sight of a gracful figure so sweet. i could have imagined it in my mind but i hope i didnt. i hope this is real, this everything.
this girl, i want her so badly there is no exact words to say. but i dont know her.


what does it mean. what does this mean. if it was my illusions then what am i trying to tell myself. and if this is real then what is going on. is it a joke?. i hope not.

i feel like i want to find this girl. i feel like she has answers for me, i feel like she can put me together and actually keep me that way. i do feel silly thinking this way but this is the only hope i have left from my twisted screwed up mind of my fucked up life.

i cant figure out what this means. since that day i have thought of that moment everyday. i want to find her, i want to know what she was doing, why she was present, then why she appeared again. or i just want to know who she is.
i want to find her.

i feel like im going to explode from this complicated thinkive world of mine..
i actually do feel that im breaking down again. maybe its because of the rapid change thats been going on. like.. leaving school where i basically spent all my life, friends leaving states for further educations, or for work. relationship changes and pleasing the needs and wants of others. observing the society around me. everything is scarying me. maybe im not as independed and confident as i thought i am.

i try to talk to a couple of my friends because im feeling upset and such. but they dont seem to listen to what im trying to say, i know im not great with words, but i try my best. anyways,. they only listen to the words and not listen to the meaning of the words and they dont see my problem.. or some see my half way to my problems. that doesnt help at all, the stressing enough trying to make sense of whats upsetting me to myself then try to explain it to other people, mostly to slackers. it pisses me off how u make a promise to listen and help me and dont keep or try to avoid it. dont make fucken promises at all. it just fucks things and people up even more.

i guess this is the reason i put up this blog. so i can take the time to talk. to talk to u, to talk to me. whatever. just to talk. and if u care then u'll read it and understand it, not just browse through and judge the misunderstoods.

this is me. straight up.take it or leave me alone....

-[Pd]-

An angel kissed my strings while I slept last night
And her rhythm broke my hunger
And I died a little less

Well I just want to get some, get some while I’m still tall
Lets tell the world we’re unheard we’re unsure, We’re unstoppable
Lets tell the girls to be strong - to be sure - to be heard
We want to be heard

You’re all, you’re all I want
Yeah all I want
So tell me where have you been?

Well an angel kissed my hands while I slept last night
And when I woke up this morning
I missed you something Fierce

Fashion isn’t dead
No it’s just inside out

She says she need’s a priest to get closer to God
I say all I need’s a ladder
I want to touch your skies

You want it all
Do you want it all?
Do you want me at all?
Do you want it all?

And you’re heavy in my heart

You’re heavy in my hands

You’re heavy in my mouth

Yes you’re heavy in my day

You’re heavy in my songs

You’re heavy in my light

And you’re all that I want

Yeah you’re all that I want.

-[Pd]-

i want a proper girlfriend. someone i can actually stick to for a general long or very long time. someone that probably knows me well and im in total truth with, or else it'll wont work out.

i said that because i am actually really.... not liking this swinging life of mine anymore... its so complicated with most, or i feel as though i will soon run out of people to swing with!! lol.... (i know, i know.. i just had to make a joke of it... but hey.. thats me lol )

i just to settle down now... stay with one. i really like this girl, she is a pretty close friend and we have been friends for a long time. i try not to get involved with her in that way because i dont want to loose the friendship that we share.. i love her dearly but i try to keep my distance.

*sighs* i dont know what im missing but i feel like im missing something or someone, i dont know what i want. do u know what u want?
im always feeling empty. i could be missing you. yeah.. you.. but then im not sure and i dont want to mislead anyone. thats been a big problem for me right now... maybe im not presenting myself properly, yeah.. maybe thats it, because i dont like to show my true self with new people, just the basic general interests of me.

ah... so many issues.... with everyone and everywhere.

-[Pd]-

ayes...

so.. alot has happened since i last posted.. its just i couldnt seem to be able to log in so im sorry for that.

umz... first thing.. i want to tell everyone thats been asking about my eye. i had been hit. yes.. thats right.. i got hit. right in the eye. i went to a lesbian bar with my friends and i was sitting that the bench waiting for my drink, this girl came and sat next to me and ordered her drink, she started talking to me and polite as i am (lol) i talked back, 5 mins later her gf came and hit me in the face. she tried again but misses then i locked her down on the floor. at that point the girl was screaming at her gf how it was a mistake and stuff like that.. then she calmed down i let her go. two hours later they came and apologise and bought me a beer.. lol. thats it.

i been swinging quite alot lately, its beginning to become pretty bad and risky.. lol.. but still fun, which was the point!!! hahahaha
yes...parties, girls, sex, alcohol, drugs.. its all happening!! well not so much sex and drugs lol.. but their included sometimes.

sometimes i wonder what ever happened to my innocent years... but then i figured i didnt have many inncocent memories to begin with. alot of shit had happened to me since like i was in yr 4? how old would i be,.. um about 9? 10?... so yea.. i remember thats about the age i realised i like girls but didnt accept or admit it until year 6 and publicly admitting it in yr 8.... wow... two years apart lol...

my cousin is getting married and shes making it in vietnam,.. and i want to go, i might, talked about it and decided to go but not sure yet.. because. depends on what happens.. and if i do go then i cant celebrate Helen's 18th birthday... *cries*.. and if she decides to go to canberra to study.. i will also miss out on her birthday, or i can travel there to visit her ^_^.
who knows the future huh....

so... i hope all u people have a great year this year... and hope all is well and hope everywhere else in the world is and will be well with no more war and disasters and crap like that....

-[Pd]-