have you guys ever wondered about these ads?

i do.. coz i want abs like a wash board, but thats not the point.

i wonder, if maybe they just switch the before and after pictures...

like they start fit and ripped... and just went fat and took the other photo...

just a thought.

i feel like such a bitch today...but fuck it, i so don't care right now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what you wrote on your blog warms my heart!!!

thank you and you girls mean a lot to me, you mean a lot to me.

i hope the new year is fresher and cleaner for all of us.

his voice and voice control is amazing, wish i could do that.

i keep thinking and thinking.....

and my heart is tearing apart...

i don't want to regret all and everything i have said because if i didn't mean it, then i wouldn't have said it.

i may be all smiles and jokes but i'm a huge mess...

i don't want to say that i rely on stranger's company, but that's how i feel like...

i feel like i can do whatever and say whatever when i'm with a stranger because i know that theres a slim chance i will see them again or anything i do matters to them.

i can't lie that i haven't been out and about again to seek that feeling, i haven't been at home like i should.

i feel like, break down point of what i have been doing, and now i feel bad for all the empty promises and lies and misleading-ness of what i say or promise to them because i don't plan on seeing them after the nights... and i just say and do what i can to get to them and leave them hanging. i'm a jerk, i know.

btw.. merry christmas

best fucking reaction EVER!!!

and so i couldn't restrain myself anymore and i just hurt myself.

is there someone you know that takes things too far sometimes?

that doesn't understand the extends of their own jokes?

that doesn't understand that not everyone is feeling the same mood as them?

just because you are feeling good and funny doesn't mean the other person is.... so think about what you say before actually saying it.

and i remind again, every joke has a truth.

so if you don't have anything nice to say...besides complaining... like i am right now...

then just shut the fuck up, pretty simple.

oh, and i don't care if you are pissed at me, but you really don't want to be...

because i am pissed off at you, and i would very much like it if you just don't talk to me for a while.

and whats this about, "next time stay out of it" crap.... you... yea YOU!!! ARE EVERYWHERE!!!

you are in every single fucking spec of a situation that i have... and do i say anything? no.

you, yea... YOU...

ARRGGGHHH

i'll help...

i'll help.....

I'LL HELP I'LL HELP I'LL HELP!!!!!

OMFG LET ME HELP YOU GAHEE..... or kahi park....

i will help, i'll be gentle.... or rough if you want me to be...

but i'll help.

just wanted to post this because the gummybear bit is adorable.

just gotten back from hanging out with my friends not too long ago, and honestly i didn't feel comfortable....i wasn't ready to face people,

and i think they noticed... they came over and i was completely flipping out with stress and frustration.

i didn't feel comfortable.

i tried to hide it after a while when i finally realise how i was behaving...

but i felt fake... so fucking fake.

they are my close friends and yet i still uncomfortable, it shouldn't be that way.

maybe i just need space,

i feel like i need space, but i also want someone there...maybe just find the right person.

i know who i want by my side right now....

...i feel exhausted, i laid there all night thinking and imagining myself at the lake with sara and to be honest it did relax me just a tad more than how i was feeling at the beginning..

because there is just a comfort that i didn't need to talk with her, she understands the quiet.

i want to get away... only for a little while, because i want to work things out but i need time to breathe.

and i also know that problems won't just sit there and wait for my breathing session to be done with, problems don't give breaks.

aaarrrggghhh.

i don't know where i am right now.

i need to know, i'm losing my control and i feel weak.

i know keep saying this, and i fall into this situation a lot.

but i know that i need to voice it every time i feel it.

i feel suicidal, again.

and i am afraid, so very afraid.

please dont dare to tell her

i miss her but i'm afraid to let her know.

...please don't assume and jump to conclusions on that, i know i have multiple problems going at once right now but it may not be the person you are thinking of....

..blah i can't shake the feeling.

been feeling odd for the last two weeks.

the mistake i'm doing right now is thinking about it, thinking then re-thinking and re-thinking...

trying to remember, re-trace, analyse the fact and the actions.

because it is no use, no point to think about it... whatever it may be has pass, long gone.

...but i can't shake the feeling.

i feel like... i may have betrayed some people, cross some lines, forced a few non-existences, broken trusts, stabbed a few in the back, broke a few hearts and messed a few heads...

...

these feelings hurts.

She loved and left but still she kept me
wanting more but feeling empty
did she have to go? Will I ever know?
Love and leave me, She deceived me
the way she kissed was so misleading
I thought that she might stay, but then she went away

before I close the chapter to your name
there's a couple things I never got to say

Your eyes are wonderful and your smile is too
your laugh's contagious and your heart is true
there's beauty in your touch, and your kiss is love
you're everything that every guy dreams of
you're everything that makes one fall in love

i found my new obsession...

i mean....

i ... like...

argh just watch

if you don't like that, i don't know what's wrong with you.

anyways, her name is Gahee apparently.. and she is 29 years old in a korean girl band name After School... i'd like to see her after school in her uniform anytime, eeheheh if you know what i mean.

tripping.

i have been feeling awfully odd today ever since i woke up....

2009 with sara , i is not stalker? shes my friend.

i just want to do a little thing here, showing the year with sara...

she left this morning for Brisbane, and i have already been missing her since on the way to the airport, i had the chance to drive her to the airport, so me, Helen and Cynthia, got to say the last goodbyes with her, is it weird that i felt like crying?

when we hugged goodbye, i saw her tears and i felt like crying as well, silly me.

anyway, this is the year with her... i'm glad she came back to spend the year with us all, and i have really enjoyed all this time with her and with the four.

these are just some random pictures of our gatherings, at some we didn't take any pictures so some events might be missing, here we go timeline.

i think that this is the first outing , that all of the four got

together again after Sara came back to Sydney.

i don't remember when this was, but i think it belongs somewhere here..yay to yum cha.

this is at Cynthia's 21st birthday at a Korean restaurant.

Sara drunk and past out on my single sofa until she fell to the floor and couldn't get back up and so we felt safer to all stay on the floor...epic night.

this is during this week i think, at Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme has been the ultimate spot for us, we always end up at it at the end of the night... or because nowhere else is open at the time of night.

Sara sneaked a picture with Harry when he finally got use to her and wasn't shy around her anymore.. so adorable them.

Princess Vivian and Princess Sara on top of a car waving to people driving pass my house.

At Cynthia's, Sara having pizza and Milky the dog just staring...

late after on that night, Sara got full and sleepy and milky got tired of staring at Sara eat, hehe. both lying at the same position.

At Sara's farewell gathering, fail on the re-creation of the photo we took the last time she left for Melbourne, damn girl in the background.

(top photo is trying to re-create the below photo.)

fail on that one, so i tired to take this one of us four.

this morning at the airport, crap photo because of the brightness behind...

i know this isn't goodbye forever... just sad she's not near to hang out with.

i love you girls.

i'm not perfect, but i mind my own business.

OK, i woke up with a slightly more clear mind...

everything that happened lately seems to be involving Jane, or she has some part in it.

(yes Jane, i know you're reading this)

yes, that's all i got from 10 hours or so of thinking.

because no matter how much i think or how many game plans i come up with....

i will not predict and take first steps, i will only deal with the situations as they come.

i saw it coming to this point again, but i will not do the whole 'i told you so' approach, i never really liked that.

so if you don't know what I'm talking about, here is where i discuss...

first issue is with Bridgette,

Bridgette has recently been in Sydney again for a short time, and she's been wanting to see me and she kept asking me to just hang out and catch up, and so i agreed and we made certain arrangements and rules leading to this meeting...

so we kept our space and stayed behind rules, and we have been talking and seeing each other.

I've been enjoying her company, i will not lie.. i do enjoy her company, as someone to hang out with, there is just a certain comfort i have with different people and i feel comfortable with Bridgette, despite our past.

which brings me to where it all went wrong, Jane and many other people are not too happy about the coming and going with me and Bridgette, they don't like that Bridgette is in my life at all, but Jane is the most opened about it.

Jane has been going after Bridgette, telling her to back off and go away...threaten also.

and lecturing me about what happened between Bridgette and i last time and how or what she thinks its going to end like.

when I'm with Bridgette, I'm not intending or expecting anything to happen, i just like her company... and i don't know if anything is intended or expected on her side, but so far it seems pretty simple.

and at the same time, i don't know what might or might not happen further down the days.

second issue is Shane,

back bone of this is, he really likes my friend Sara, totally smitten by her but she is leaving Sydney tomorrow and she doesn't like him in that way.

Shane is a type of guy that can get attached to something or someone really easily, and Sara happens to be it this time.

he has never had a girlfriend, so i guess that is why he hasn't learnt how to let go yet, even his hobbies.

he is also a short tempered guy, so he tends to snap about things and rush his thoughts and conclusions...

he also tends to drag a situation and force upon the situation until he gets some sort of answer that satisfies him, which makes other people in the situation uncomfortable.

and I'm guessing that he has pushed the limit with Sara before when he told her that he liked her.

everyone thought everything was ok and he is ok about her, but i guess the fact of seeing her heaps for this past week and triggered the feelings again because he is not taking her departure so well, he is up to the point where he is jealous of her with other people or talking about other people, and up to the point where he wants to move to Brisbane, to be somewhat closer to her.

he has stated that he wants to move to Brisbane multiple times now, and again a few more when he was here earlier.

with the jealous vibe, Jane has somehow put the thought for him the fear of something happening between Sara and I, i can feel him hesitating with me and trying to hide the fact that he thinks about it, i know he thinks about it because,

Jane asked him to describe how Sara is to her and he managed to say she is bi-curious, and Jane put the facts together as, when there is an outing, there is only three of us, me, Sara and Shane.. and she asked him if he felt that i was intruding, if he wanted me there or not and why was i always there...

she asked him how Sara and i was like around each other, the fact is that we joke a lot and we have dirty comments... her and i are good friends, and the comfortable level is high.

but she managed to turn all that into something that is not.

she also stated that i apparently do not like trios, and put the thoughts to him that there is competitions upon him and i, for Sara, that's why I'm always there.

i admit, i did like Sara... many years ago, and i don't know if i have told him that or if he knows about it, but i fear that if he does have the knowledge of it then it feeds to the non existent competition that got going in his mind, thanks to the smart arse Jane.

Sara is leaving for Brisbane, and we all have been making the most of the remaining time left with her, i know she isn't gone forever, like i know i will see her again.

Shane is taking it really hard that she is leaving, he really wants to take her to the airport, he said he didn't have the goodbye that he wanted ( i guess because i was there in his moment again) yesterday at her farewell gathering, and i felt a jealous vibe from him when people started arriving, single guys to be exact. there was two. he withdraw from socialising with everyone, and he had to leave for work after a while, which is where the goodbye happened, he really didn't want to leave so soon.

i try not to make anything my business, or try to put unwanted advice, and opinions or anything, but i know it's happening and all i can do is be supportive and listen when comfort is being seek..

but now he is too caught up in his mind about her, that i just have to push the facts to him.

i can't be nice and just sugar coat everything, i don't like lies.. i'm honest.

and he still pushes that he wants to be with her.

..... i left for a few times and i lost what i was on about, and i think i may have repeated some parts. and i may have typos, i'm not re-reading this.

. i don't know how to deal with Jane, before it was easy because she was just on my business and i learnt how to ignore the shit parts that comes out of her...

but now it is involving my friends, people in my life... and i can't stop it, other people don't know how she is like, and will take her talk in to consideration and produce more problems.

my family isn't in such a great place either, but we try to get by.

work is in such a mess.

i feel bad that all these things are happening, but i can't do much about it...

theres more going on, but i need a break.

so i will wait to love you,

and i will wait to dream with you.

what do you do if what you want, upsets everyone around you.

my head says no, but my heart does give in... because i did love her at one point.

not that i'm expecting anything to happen,

i'm talking about Bridgette,

i know i went insane and broke out when we were together..

and i know that you are just trying to help me and prevent from shit happening again.

i have been meeting her again and no one seems to be happy or ok about it

am i being foolish? am i just too distracted?

i don't know what.... is happening

epic of the epicness

yesterday evening, last night and this morning.....

was the most fun i have ever had in a very long time.

my throat hurts... i think i laughed too much, or because i coughed too much from choking on chips.

so anyway, this is what happened...

it started with a trip to mounties as Cynthia, Sara and I were waiting for Helen to be ready to hang... we only went to the game area because Cynthia's ID wasn't valid..so she was treated as a minor and under my supervision.

was so awesome, and Sara won a pink smiley face bouncy ball.

about an hour later, went to pick up Helen and off we went to dinner at cabramatta and then spent a few hours after that at krispy kremes, and that was also uber fun...

i love all the dirty jokes that happened, the automatic looks on everyones faces when something is said and Helen would miss out on it at time, i absolutely loved it when Sara said " it took me 20minutes the first time, but now it only takes me 2 seconds to get it in"..

oh, and i went to buy my fish tank a water heater, and it had got to be the most inappropriate conversations i've ever had with a stranger... the discussion of size and power was involved...use your imagination people..

anyways, a bunch of "thats what she said" comments happened randomly throughout.

i just burst out into laughter, and Sara always knew what i meant, even when she was pissed tipsy, actually it was more funny when she was intoxicated because she was the one initiating.

also shane joined us at the times of the early morning, i reckon he had a kick out of it... watching girls being drunk and all.

still into chicks shane? i am.

.. i don't think that Helen would noticed that we had taken things out of her wallet, until she really had to look for it, success with money and a credit card, was aiming to take her phone but she always had some part of her hands on it at all times.

anyway, i feel like i'm going to pass out... walking away for a tad bit, will continue...

ladies and gents ... please support Mia

'Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full Of direst cruelty! Make thick my blood, Stop up the access and passage to remorse, That no compunctious visitings of nature Shake my fell purpose nor keep peace between The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark To cry, “Hold, hold!”'

William Shakespeare - Macbeth.

i'm watching 'lost and delirious' again...

and it just pains me....

sitting here with my fresh orange juice....

i think, i think about too many things when i eat or drink something.. i'm too aware of whats in it that i can not consume it without thinking about it...

like, as i'm drinking my orange juice... i'll be thinking, yay vitamin c, you'll get my energy up.

i was eating a beef and beetroot soup, and i was thinking ... mmm.. iron..

but i don't just stop there, as i eat or drink and i know the taste, i start to think about the sugar and salt content of it all?...

and everything else..

when i eat a banana i think about potassium.

and i'll think about how much i have of what in that day...

too much sugar or too much this too much that.

is that normal? i don't think so.

phones been ringing non-stop....

though i haven't picked up any calls either.

i like my ringtone so i don't mind.

i am once again full of drama,

drama,

sigh.

ladies ladies... even some fellas....

be fast like this one.

i am so sick of all these drama...

i can't even have a proper fucking conversation with someone.

anyone.

everyone is so full on.

aaaaarrrggghhhh....

bridgette is back and about,...........

and jane is getting all protective of me.......

i feel a very nasty war erupting.

..what do i do... do i just watch?...

do i step in?.... do i defend?..

been thinking about bridgette a lot lately though, and i do miss her.

eh.

ARGH!! I HATE THIS STUPID TABLE!!! keep ramming my knee into it!!

damn table..its so fucking small, I LIKE IT BIG...(...thats what she said...)

mothafuker.

anywho.

a slightly calmer day today...

did the usual .. went to pick up Jeremy from tutor and saw Helen for a couple of minutes..

finally saw who Jeremy's teacher, Miss Jane was, pretty fine...

i asked Jeremy how she is, and he said " oh, she's nice..and she only gets mad when we make too much noise, like you.. yea, she is sort of like you."

that makes me want to know her, should i?

we'll think about it, if he lets me....

Mia came over and we watched 'bride wars' and then she hung out with the kids for a while until she had to go to work... the kids seem to enjoy her company and thats a good sign to me, yes i do let the kids decide on people some times, so if you're important to me then you my friend, have met the kids.

i just think that theres something about how the kids get along or judge people that i trust about, lets face it, the kids are honest so they let me know what they think about the person.. and the fact that they can comfortably get along with the person also shows that the person is not a bitch.

this isn't just with any kids though... keep in mind.

and i don't just introduce the kids to just anyone, only if i feel like its safe for them.

......

haven't renewed my car registration yet, so i can't drive anywhere.. BUMMER.

i feel sad.

.......

i feel like going for a run, though i sprung my back out last night...booo

i feels so nice outside at the moment...

maybe a walk..

who wants to take a walk with me?

this never gets old, i can watch this over and over....fucking hilarious

and yes i fucking hate cats too... and that stupid noise they make, scares the shit out of me!!

why the fuck... am i kept being told off for today!!!

like, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG??!!!

ARGHHHH,

is the sun probing you in the ass or something??!

why am i responsible for every little fucking thing?

since when, and why me, how many people are in this family? like a hundred million and i, only i am responsible for everything.

expect me to do everything, and everyone just sits around like fucking royalties..

do you want me to wipe your ass too?

FUCK!!

it is so hot!!!

the heat is getting to me.

i feel so angry and frustrated...

and no one lets me turn on the fucking air con... waste of electricity is the reason....

let me ask this then... why not just shut off every little stupid fan that every single person seem to be hugging, and turn on one fucking air con??!!!!

ARGH!! FRUSTRATION!!.

adults, always think they're right.... all the stupid little fans are just blowing hot air, and all the fans combined wastes more electricity then one fucking air con.

--------------anyway.

stayed all night at mia's...

had to talk about some things on my mind... didn't know that it took so long, til the sun came up.

seriously getting to know Mia better and she is a pretty collected chick, or maybe we're still new with each other so she can still tolerate me..... time will come.

i feel like its been a long time since i could talk to some one, in the way that i can actually explain in my right pace...

lately i don't feel like what i say has been heard properly.. or has been expressed properly, because people or friends should i say, well... i don't quite know how to say this... give me a minute.

um, ok.

ok, with friends.. there are certain types of friends because i believe that you take on everyone differently.. bonds, trust and etc.

and for some that i do talk my mind to, i do it often so i guess they become a tad careless when listening? i mean like they do listen and take it is but not to full meaning and just be like, yeah yeah oh yeah i know what you mean, without actually thinking about it... and that always seems to cut me off and i don't get to say the rest of the story. and yes i do get frustrated with that.

and for the friends that don't know me too well, i just can't talk to them because of their judgment of me.

and plus, some friends read my blogs so they do know what's going on, and so what is the point of talking about it if they already know, and i don't like to repeat myself, but still, if you read what i write, it still doesn't give you the full effect of what i go through.

you can only understand to a certain point.

----------anyhow.

went to visit Lisa and her one month old son this morning, and he is adorable.

he looks so much like his father, so does that mean that i think his dad is adorable too? lol.

i like kids, at times they can be little brats but i like kids.

i think i enjoy the parenthood-ness.. though i can never do childcare as a career, i guess i can be a tad too rough on the kids so it's not good if it becomes a legal issue.

kids need to be taught,encouraged, punished and rewarded... in the right situations of course.. and not be spoilt little shits because the parents are too nice(or too lazy or cherish them too much or don't give a shit) to teach them a certain thing they do is wrong.

................there you go, i can be dominant at times, only for the right though so i will back down if i'm wrong(or because i am way too lazy to argue about it).

anyways, going to find a way to chill the fuck out.

remember to drink water.

sex is beautiful

hide the heat, not the love.

i cried while on laughing gas, WTF.

i think that the best way of getting me to talk or whatever get in my head, if you want the total truth, the total correct facts... or get in my head or know all my deep dark secrets.... nitrous oxide is the way to go.

add on to weakness : nitrous oxide, but i heart you.... you makes me feel all tingly and numb and floaty, and makes me all free and floaty?

dear psycho stalker: first of all why are you stalking me... secondly... please don't use nitrous oxide on me to your advantages... theres no point, i don't have anything awesome to give away...

i was looking for houses again today...

it feels more official now...

and i found a few that i so far like, it's not too far away from home..

so they are all in the cabramatta, cabramatta west, fairfield, canley heights.. area...

made appointments to check them out soon..

all are 4 bedroom houses, a few double stories and one is a single story houses..

ranging at about 500,000 to 800,000 each..

still thinking about living conditions...

like if i'm going to live with someone in the family or friends or strangers... but no doubt that there will be other people..

ok, maybe not strangers... because i can be extremely paranoid about a lot of things.

and rent, bills.

eh,

i'm hungry.... i want mash potatoes and fried chicken wings...

and when i think of this, i think of Lawrence... blah.

i miss Matt, i miss him so much...

i had a dream that i bought a house and we lived together...

i want to live with him, i want to be around him and i want him to be around me.

it's been so hard without him

i'm sorry... but you sound funny.

http://www.cockermouth.org.uk/

freshly back from watching new moon with the girls!!!

Sara, Cynthia and Helen...

and i loves it. very very loves it!

so many people said it was shit, but i enjoyed it....

funny thing, at the end, a random child answered edward's question to bella, though i think he was excited about his video game, or because the movie was over and he could get the fuck out of there and go home...

OH!, and i was dodging about 5 girls i saw , that was in the same screening as me..

because i don't want to get killed.... not tonight at least.

am currently ripping into a beautiful piece of steak that Jane have left me... she knows the way i likes it.. whoooo

i don't think i should be eating this so late at night... might be sleeping soon.

Jane feels like a wife... she knows how to handle me...

but we get along better with space in between....

i was hanging around at cabramatta today because i was visiting the doctor, the wait was really long so i decided to walk around, did i mention that i saw that same little girl that use to follow me around in school? and a few times out of school? i think i did but i can't remember..

anyway, she wasn't that far away from me, and the expression that she gave when she saw me was that she totally lit up.. i got a bit scared at that point, though she has never done anything to me i'm still creeped out by her because all she does is follow.

like, can you imagine or have you ever had anyone do that to you?

to just follow you around for a long while, lets say about a year?

anyway..

i like new moon.. and i love spending time with the girls...

and i love watching people's reactions in movies ahhaha amusing.

oh a couple of people sitting behind me and Sara kept kicking out seat and the stupid fool was on the phone and the phone kept ringing....ARGH i really wanted to fight but i didn't want to ruin things for cynthia, helen and sara....

speaking of seats....

there was a row of teens sitting in from of us and there was this one girl that, felt like she was demanding where people had to sit, ordering where her friends had to sit... and she was frustrated because some of them did not listen and or too lazy to move.. she looked really mad.

it was hilarious!!

and then this guy and his family came along and said that the teens were sitting in their seats so the teens had to move to their official seat numbers.. i guess that girl had a second chance to arrange the seating again hey?

next year is going to be so different, and i fear it.

there she was.... staring at me at only 5 meters away.....

the face of that young girl, that girl that use to follow me around everywhere i go...

i don't know if i should use the word stalker, because she isn't really a stalker to me, she just follows me around when she sees me... other than that she is unknown...

or she is too good of a stalker that i don't notice the other 60% of the time?

hm.. anyways... she saw me at cabramatta today and yes she did follow me for a little while until i started to turn around and walked towards her and then followed her down the street...

i don't know what she wants?... i've tried to approach, but she just runs away, i call out to her and she just hides away...

hm....

ok, i slept on it and now have come to terms that i was acting very childish towards the twilight thing...because i did not talk to him after i got really fed up, but shit son STFU.

i was just mad because, he didn't just said it sucks...

which is ok because i know that not every one likes twilight.

BUT he kept going on and on and on about it and mocking it.

and i don't understand why he kept doing what he did if he didn't like it, and how he knows everything in the movie...

because if you don't like it, why remember in so much detail?

my point is... stop fucking bitching about it to me because i am one of those who likes twilight.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"

ARGH, frustration...

i was calm until i wrote this... now i feel bothered again.. garrr.

shane is dissing twilight....

and i will not talk to him until he says something good about it...

coz if u dont like it.. leave it the fuck alone to the people that do like it, like me...

don't come up to me and keep telling me that you think twilight sucks.

you suck.

ahhaha freaking adorable

i heart commercials...

sitting inside my nicely air-conditioned bedroom...

aunt is having her share of korean dramas...

so its not quiet enough to sleep. blah.

um um....

korean dramas.... always makes me feel something (which means its good acting, storyline etc), like.. it always has some sort of love triangle, or love drama... third wheel, the i love that person but that person loves the other person..... blah too much headache i reckon.

i hate it and feel so bad when the girl gets told of or when having bad times.... it always seems to happen . makes me so mad for her.

.... sorry got drawn into the damn movie....

she turned it off......

should i attempt to sleep now?

..... will end posty tho

why, do you have to cheat on your partner....

if you are more happier with him

if your partner is dying inside

why don't you just break up?

why do you have to cheat on your partner

my computer desk have broken down for a few days now and today i have finally a alternate desk...

so i cleaned up my shit and moved everything over...

now as i sit here... i some how regret changing the desk.

it is smaller and taller and i just can't seem to sit well with it...

need another table.

i found a couple of books/notebooks/scrapbooks... i have kept the last few years, and i feel really sad and upset that i was in such a dark place.

the first one i had, was just a small dairy.. just a simple calender plan type dairies,

and every date, i have a note on it..

i'm just reading through it and a lot of it seems to disturb me, really worries me.

and i remember being very suicidal at that point as well, very negative.

and in need of help i would write things like " in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see, this is me bleeding before you, this is me on my knees.".

also found this, this is part of one of my many suicide letters,

" i don't want to be part of the problem so i try so hard to get roughed up,

fist on up, it looks that easy, it looks that way to me, it looks that way to you,

but then there's you telling me i can, then theres you screaming "say something".

i want the ocean right now,

i guess i was so jealous that i can't even work...

there i am in the morning, i don't like what i see, i don't know how it's become such a problem, keep you up all night if i try to be calm,

how can they dare ask why i feel so angry?

do you see the problem if i never explain it?

but then theres you asking me how long...say something, it's taken me so long."

and the second one i have is a normal scrap/notebook,

and this one is more of a deeper emotion,

and it shows most of my high school life, the way i grew up, the people i was around and the crowds that didn't want me around, i'm so glad i left that place... high school was a piece of hell for me... and it shows so obviously.

which also made me suicidal, i felt like no one knew how to handle me so it was just easier to exclude me, it was hard from having a lot of friends and people talking to you, to being by yourself in the library trying to hide from the world.

i never wanted to go to school, and i use to always have a lighter and or a pocket knife with me in case i felt it was time, in case i couldn't take it anymore.

i don't mind people not talking to me nowadays, because there are more people in the world, better people.

i'm comfortable with who i am now, and i look back at then, and i just think i was foolish back then for being upset about people... but still i don't blame myself, growing up in a schooling environment, and it is just the same people every single day for 12-13 years of your life... i didn't think that there were 'other people' .. i was just stuck with the few hundred people that all felt the same way about me, everyday.

now i am exposed to millions and billions of people that accepts me and even loves me and might even fight for me, oh and for the people that don't get along with me or hates who i am and such, all of you can blow me.

i can't believe i have so many suicide letters.

will rid of them all in the morning.

oh, and the third one was a scrapbook that had a collection of articles of serial killers and homicide, suicide-homicide, mass homicide, and types of weapons like guns and knives..

cases and things like that in such fine detail, i guess i was researching and studying hard.

i should stop here, feeling too intense.

this disturbs me.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/world/6495357/teen-murder-suspect-to-be-tried-as-adult/

so, a very hot day today.. and i guess everyone felt a tad moody, OR A LOT!!!

gee, everyone was so angry today, stressed me out so much.

my mum and dad , more of my mum kept telling me off about usage of everything....

like example... she found the mobile phone bill and it was high... so she got mad at me because apparently i don't know how to control my usage, even though i pay the bills...

she and everyone else asks or tell me to call someone else and when the bill comes... no, it was all me.

..blah.

and then she starts going off about the car, payment for the car is coming soon and she's frantic about it, and i don't know why, i pay the bills.

and then she complains about me not having a proper job and is always on my computer and that is not a way of a career, she thinks i just chat to my friends and look at porn all day, no I'm just kidding...

she just thinks i chat to friends all day and not worry or take care of anything...

huni, i work, i pay bills and i put food on the table and the fridge and anywhere else that usually has food, and water... yet she thinks i do nothing.

she wants me to get a proper job, that means that my income will be reduced.

an ideal job for her, for me is from 9 to 5... or shifts.. or i don't know... something that i don't want to do... and pays less.

should i take on a 'proper job' for a while? so she could see that it ain't as great as what we gots right now?

ugh, parents.

so its early right now, like 11pm... and i'm in bed, it is way too hot so i just turned off everything besides the laptop and the fan off, hoping it might cool down a tad more..so far, it's ok.

tried going to sleep, but failed so started blogging now, i'm fairly tired though but it's just too early to sleep for me... i don't know why but i can never sleep before at least 12 midnight.

And if i pass the 'ok i am tired enough to sleep' moment.. then i am up all night because as i said, i am very energetic at night, same with eating, i can be hungry and then starving... but if i pass that 'i seriously need to eat right now' moment, then i'm not hungry anymore and won't be able to eat, even if it's being forced.

tomorrow is going to be a killer hot day, i'm going to find someone's house that has aircon and i will stay there until its ok to step outside again, i'm so serious right now...like, totally.

oh i know, my new house has aircon... hehehe so there.

or, i'll just live in an ice cream delivery truck tomorrow... that's if i can find one... that would let me, i'll probably eat all the ice cream though...any fine ladies would like to join me in this amazingly exotic fantasy?

and yes, it can be an amazingly exotic fantasy if you want it to be, i want it to be so it is. =p your on my turf now son... so whatever i say goes. (didn't even make sense, such a fail!!).

i was thinking, do you know how some people have a normal talking voice and a totally different phone talking voice?

conversationally speaking...

i find it amusing and mind-blowingly hilarious when it happens, like they would be talking to you this second with the normal talking voice of theirs and they would be on the phone in the next with the phone voice... it sounds so formal, and it can be so funny how they can change the tone so quickly... the mind is programed, what can i say.

i think i don't have the phone voice, but i think that i have a written one.

i never really noticed before, but a lot of my friends have pointed it out to me and especially from emails that i send, how i type in messenger and in emails are different of how i type on here, the blogs. they say that the blogs feel more proper, more formal.. and when on messenger and emails i sound more like myself, more casual.. and some find it uncomfortable when i type like this in an email.. and they feel as though something is wrong and am avoiding them(because i'm writing different so its not being myself).

i guess they're right, but it is still just directly from the brain to the fingertips...

maybe i do the fancy ' and " and , and . and full words is because you might not know me, so i try to express me as accurate as possible, knowing how i talk with the pauses and now thoughts, then coming back to thoughts and etc.

i'm not a very grounded person and i tend to be everywhere.

tired...laying down, sideways and typing with one hand.. errr hard and slow.

ok, and up again.

so how was your day fellow readers and bloggers?

uh oh, the batteries are running low...

better stop and send before it cuts off and i lossssssse everything i just let out..

feel the love guys, and care about each other..

OMG on that note, i forgot the mention that yesterday when shane and i were shopping, we were in cotton on in liverpool and being served.. this chick storms in all bitchy and grumpy telling off the service girl because she forgot to take them electronic tags off one of the tops and apparently the chick was beeped and searched in another clothes store...like it wasn't even a full on search!! it was just a 'please open your bag, oh thats the problem' search.

but the point was, the chick was such a bitch to the sales girl that i felt really bad for her... she was trying to hold back her tears is how bad it was...

she could have just been a tad nicer, like i know she was mad that she got a simple "please open your bag, oh thats the problem straight away, oh you have a receipt for it' search, but come on, you didn't have to crush her world for it ( you, chick... probably don't get laid. find yourself a fella, release all that energy and anger and relax a lil bit more, i'm just sayin').

anywho, feel the love, and care about each other...

ok, what happened today was... Shane and i finally went shopping to change his look, he has always been complaining that , how or why he doesn't get picked up or anything, and obviously his looks were some what part of the problem, and this is how it turned out...

(there is he looking all confident and laid back like he should be, but then he didn't want to stand up because he knew i was going to blog it.. )

i always told him that the way you dress is the way you feel, and tried to give him some tips on which kind of clothes that is suitable for him, and he didn't have a clue.

all it took was simple fitted clothing and he looks great, such a fail trying to make him wear jeans.. the dude just doesn't like it... booo...

but at least he tried and liked something else besides his baggy cargo pants.

and casual walking shoes beside the more general joggers,...

i'd say he stepped up big time, but my next goal is to get him to where jeans, and buy a vest.

and better fitting dress pants...

him and his baggy clothes, makes him look unflattering, the man's got body but just ain't complimenting it.

oh, and also showed him how important scent's are, so showed him what he could use for everyday, or casual difference, or a special events and etc... basically what he can work with...or to tip him on how to find whats right for him and not just follow the general typical strong musky "lynx" deo type scents...

overall, success for today.

ok, here we go, i managed to connect my phone to my pc ... and here are some photos i wanted to show you all.. probably from way back.. but still, it's show and tell time kids.

This is the famous cloud 3, saw it while laying at a park with a friend one relaxing day and i thought it was amusing , so i took a photo of it..

(advertisement much 3mobile? you even got god into it. i'm just kidding, relax guys)

those two up there is love served as food, the top is helen's eggplant and chicken parmigiana, and the bottom is an ice cube, or should i say, ice heart( oh no, i think i rather say ice cube shaped as a heart, ice heart sounds so emo...).

from the dinner my friends and i had a few nights ago.. was fun.

ok, i thought this was funny, the same cars are like, OMFG THERES A FUCKING MIRROR HERE!!, oh i look so handsome.

( i may have thought this was funny because i was waiting in the car for a very long time, and it was hot and i may have been hallucinating, but i swear the cars were talking!!)

This is from mr John Mayer's set... can i get a loud moan please? coz this is orgasmic!!

yes i just had to put her somewhere here, she is just too cute to pass...

ahha, sexy stories... i had a kick out of this, this is from a friends room, innocent we swear...

..i checked....

or the books could have been under disguised?

eh, my iced coffee is upset?

why, do i always feel the need to sing at night??... pick up my guitar and rock it out...

i am most energetic when the sun is down.. i would want to go out, have fun, sing.. pump some music.. flash some lights... bite some girls?

no, not a vampire but i do fancy a bite.

??

anyway....

um, what did i get up to todaaaay...?

all i know is that i was surrounded by babies, i was not responsible for any of them, thank god.

my god son was born at 11:28am this morning and he is FUCKING ADORABLE!!! so spent half the day with them...( was in the birth delivery room with rosey and saw the whole thing, now i don't think i'll be having sex for a while, at least until i can get that scary image out of my mind, argh so messy..)

came home and picked up little Mr Harry over to play at my house...

and then my neighbours baby joined Harry as well...

then i went to visit my cousin at the hospital and her newborn!!!! HE IS ALSO FUCKING ADORABLE!!... actually he is a very handsome kid..

baby count for the day: 4...

oh, and also one of my friends gave birth a few weeks back.. and going to go visit them on saturday...

... i was thinking about moving out today, like to either rent a apartment or house, or buy a apartment or house...

but i very much doubt i can last in an apartment, i'm not a apartment kind of person....

i'm a house person, with a back and front yard... grass.. open air... basically, space.

i need my space, and in a house it is important to have yards and etc because if i get sick of one area(or person standing in one area), i can move to the next.. and the privacy, and the noise travel... etc etc, but i enjoy outside.

and Jane suggested that i move in with her in the city...and i just said no to that without even hesitating,

number 1, moving out means i need my own space, and my life/day consist of Jane and family.. thats why i want my own space..

number 2, i don't like apartments

number 3, i don't want to live IN the city... it is expensive and its too busy. i rather live out of the city and go to the city once in a very long while.

now that most people know that i want to move out, especially Jane.. she will try everything in her power to try and make me let her live with me. seriously hun, it ain't gonna happen.

i think it's healthier that we have time apart...

so with that said, i don't know if i am going to have a room or house mate... i might depending on the situation and the person.

still thinking,

let me know if you are thinking about moving out and if you think that you can live with me... you know how i are..

do you mind that i bring people home (probably won't, rather not)?

do you mind that i don't come home so often?

do you mind if i just lay around the house allllll weeeeekkk long?

i can cook... and clean.. and garden... and do handyman work.

do you mind if i'm noisy? especially at odd times... i do have manners though, so if you are sleeping then i'd keep it down..

.. well thats me in a minute, can you handle it? ahhaha...

oh crap, just remembered that i'm getting married.

default roommate right there.

marriage so isn't going to work, i love girls too much, and i can't seem to commit.

BLAH...

sometimes i feel pedo, when i check out those school girls... those pretty looking ones in their school skirts (well not all in skirts.... ).. and then i realise , one that they are not wearing the blue shirts(means they are not yet seniors).. and two, they are still in school.

i am 20, turning 21 very shortly... and it's been 3 years since high school... and it feels wrong for me to be checking school girls out...

some says it was ok because i am just looking, but hey if i didn't feel wrong about it, don't you reckon i'd go for it already and not just look? duh.

and another reason they say it's ok because i am a girl, so not like i can impregnate anyone...(good point, but still).

like, i don't know why.. but i feel weird when i do check out these girls...

they never look their age, and it can be so misleading or should i say, THEY can be so misleading...

i always spin out when i do talk to a girl that is out of uniform and i find out her age....

like, oh i'm 16..... and i'm like.. what?!! 16? huni, shouldn't you be in school?.. no i didn't really say that but thats what i thought, every time.

i get taken back when they say they are under 18, though some times i in part except 17... and i don't know why, like i guess because can be 18 soon and i can get to know them until then... BUT!!!!!!.. no no no.. that never ever happens. teen girls... teen-curious girls..... and boys too i guess, are freaking horny machines.

so i leave.

tell me, how do you find it.

i feel confused.

anyways, off to sleeeeeeep.... my eye is getting better, need more rest.

Charice Pempengco is her name.

i got fucking chills running everywhere watching this clip.... so fucking talented... *faints*

look around for her, her voice blows my mind. so much control!!

love love love

ok, fancy that i came across this....

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/971455/orgasm-overload-woman-meets-her-match

yes you read right, orgasm overload...

it is about a woman that "suffers from Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS), meaning she has an insatiable sexual appetite and can climax at any time without warning." so it states at she has over 300 orgasms a day(if it comes naturally, why need a man)...

and saying that she found a bloke for her that can keep up with her..(and if you look at the happy couple's photo, he just looks like a bloke that only has sex on his mind, and she's not a beauty queen herself but i just hope she doesn't get too attached to him, coz he aint showing love from his heart, just from his penis.),

but i think that guy is just horny, all the guys wants to get with it because face it, which guy doesn't want to have have sex at least 10 times a day...

and they leave once they are over worked and exhausted...

ok, to think of this... is there a cure for this? or do people don't want a cure for PSAS...

i'm just saying...

i wonder what it'd be like for them, and thinking if a man PSAS.... it'd be pretty damn messy right?

is it hard to live a normal life since your clock keeps going off?

hm...

still no news from the lovely couple of Mr i am so tough n buff but cries and miss i am so selfish and boring.

i think thats a good thing, and also my point was reached.

*roll eyes*.

anywho....

so far today, went to pick up Jeremy from tutoring and also bumped into Helen while i was waiting.. and bought some food and now is home...

helped a girl out with her car, apparently she left it on DRIVE gear so it wouldn't start, it only starts when you put it in the PARK gear, and i saw her in the car park with her car in hazard lights and hood up and everything, even on the phone with NRMA... so i thought I'd give it a try and help her, and i did and also gave her an interesting fact that your car will not start if its not on the PARK gear.

she was cute about it though, all smiles and embarrassed

went over to mia's last night because i couldn't sleep, and she has a new pet bunni...rabbit.

and she absolutely adores it, him.

am i beaten by this little cute white fluff ball?

i'm half rabbit, so should she be adoring me as much as the rabbit as well?

( by that i mean, i behave like a rabbit already - i'm lazy and i like to be taken care of and shown appreciation and yes i am very sexually active. , and all i need to be now is cute, white, and a fluff ball? oh and i also like carrots.. what a coincidence.)

or am i a dog...or cat...

or just me.

boogars, its hot again today..

i'm going through my music files and boy do i miss the good ol' pop songs... like backstreet boys , N*sync, boyzone, the earlier Brittney Spears (her new album) etc etc...

whats wrong with listening to a song that was 3 years ago... i don't see anything wrong.

with all you " the now" people.. you don't know how to appreciate, just up yourselves.

don't you find nowadays that most songs in their own genres sounds the same?

or always has a preview of another song, maybe from the same artist in the song, maybe self promotion...

or could it be that when they write their albums or songs , they had the same inspiration? so the idea lingers around.

as a dj, i like that the songs are all similar so work is way easy to mix..

but as a listener, it does get kinda boring...

anyway, gotta jet.

ok, i am just a bit frustrated right now because i found out who Sharon was or is...

and i did the exact thing that i said i would do to her... and see what happens with the bloke.

so he comes around in the middle of it and starts yelling at both me and her.. and turns out that he is a complete baby, all talk.... just because he looks buffed and tough, didn't mean he would do anything. he cried. like, i felt ashamed for him and i left because it was just stupid, such a waste of effort.

and no wonder i didn't remember her, her sex is selfish and a complete bore.

so that was a waste of 40 or so minutes.

attended Nao's 21st birthday, and had to leave right in the middle of it, and came back and drove Sara home...

... gotten pulled over by the police twice tonight....

Nao is totally knocked out, i think he drank too much, too fast.... because he was ok one minute then down on the ground the next, probably didn't eat anything either...

and then the party kinda died after he was down...

i'm tired.

yesterday,

came home at about 6 in the morning and slept til 11am, got ready for the day...

Helen called to pick her up at about 1pm, also picked up Sara and Cynthia while we were at it... we all went to coles supermarket to purchase food for our dinner fest.

Helen made a yummy egg plant chicken parmigiana, and i was amused that it was shaped like a heart, until she cut it in half .. aw,emo...

Cynthia made awesome fried chicken wings, so yummy and crispy.... but i was so full that i couldn't eat much of that... aw..

and Sara helped me make mash potatoes, i was disappointed that i didn't get to make it properly because i was missing chives, how can you, supermarket, have everything besides chives, how.

and cookies and cream ice cream for dessert. yum.

we wanted to have a good drinking session, but failed.

the alcohol we bought tastes like Malibu, so it have that coconut oil smell that we are just so sick of, yuck.

and Helen had some cream liquor, like coffee liquor and chocolate liquor...

but fail also.

Sara played her ukulele and i played my guitar, awesome.

she's so cute with her ukulele...

i can't stop singing "i'm yours" by jason mraz .. it's so stuck in my head. good thing i love the song.

i took some photos, but i can't seem to connect my phone to my computer, so fail on the upload and posting.

so anyway, came home at about 10 something and went online for a while...

then went to mia's place to spend the night... because Jane and her girlfriend was teasing me, boosting my already dirty mind, Jane and her girlfriend wanted to get together with me but it was getting too late and didn't feel like a big travel, she lives all the way in the city, so i just went to Mia... which is down my street, walking distance...

now, sometimes i feel paranoid about seeing people i live close to, because i fear that one day, just one day when something wrong happens and they will never leave me alone... and might do bad things.

because i guess i can say that i am no stranger to crazy psychotic girls that can hunt you down, yes its true.

i don't know why or how , but it always happens... it's either i drive them crazy, or i am attracted to crazy girls (because they are sexy freaks?that would try most things?) or i'm just one of those dickheads that make them fall for me and then drop them like a football.

OH!! i was confronted the other night, a huge buffed up dude shows up at my doorstep warning me to stay away from his girl... and the odd thing is, i'm not sure who he is preferring to...

i don't know anyone name Sharon... or i'm not aware about anyone name sharon.

or i don't remember names of girls i see.

i am really bad at remembering names, i am...

so maybe it is someone i have been seeing around...

anyway, this is what he said .. yelled and while pointing to my face, really really close.." are you Tori?, i see you around with my baby and i don't like it. sharon is my girl and i can't let another girl take her away from me, so stay the fuck away from her. i urge you to break whatever the fuck you have with her off and don't you ever see her again or else you'll get it, you will fucking get it, and if i find out that you have touched her, i will break your face!!!"

um, well.. i'd like to see that buster, i will remember who she is.... and you can watch me touch her, oh not only will i touch her, i will lick her, kiss her , bite her here and there and make her scream my name and just be all over her and get her to ride me til the morning sun, or if she has enough energy to keep going, for a couple of days, OH and i'll probably carve my name on her ass too.

because i know, that even if you do break my face... you'll end up being charged, and my face will heal. though, i hope your girl is worth it mate but though i very much doubt it because if she was mind blowing then i would have remembered who she is. take that mr i am so so big , buff and tough, insecure about loosing my girl to another girl man.

... anyways...

time to go play with the kiddies.