so i cleaned up my shit and moved everything over...
now as i sit here... i some how regret changing the desk.
it is smaller and taller and i just can't seem to sit well with it...
need another table.
i found a couple of books/notebooks/scrapbooks... i have kept the last few years, and i feel really sad and upset that i was in such a dark place.
the first one i had, was just a small dairy.. just a simple calender plan type dairies,
and every date, i have a note on it..
i'm just reading through it and a lot of it seems to disturb me, really worries me.
and i remember being very suicidal at that point as well, very negative.
and in need of help i would write things like " in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see, this is me bleeding before you, this is me on my knees.".
also found this, this is part of one of my many suicide letters,
" i don't want to be part of the problem so i try so hard to get roughed up,
fist on up, it looks that easy, it looks that way to me, it looks that way to you,
but then there's you telling me i can, then theres you screaming "say something".
i want the ocean right now,
i guess i was so jealous that i can't even work...
there i am in the morning, i don't like what i see, i don't know how it's become such a problem, keep you up all night if i try to be calm,
how can they dare ask why i feel so angry?
do you see the problem if i never explain it?
but then theres you asking me how long...say something, it's taken me so long."
and the second one i have is a normal scrap/notebook,
and this one is more of a deeper emotion,
and it shows most of my high school life, the way i grew up, the people i was around and the crowds that didn't want me around, i'm so glad i left that place... high school was a piece of hell for me... and it shows so obviously.
which also made me suicidal, i felt like no one knew how to handle me so it was just easier to exclude me, it was hard from having a lot of friends and people talking to you, to being by yourself in the library trying to hide from the world.
i never wanted to go to school, and i use to always have a lighter and or a pocket knife with me in case i felt it was time, in case i couldn't take it anymore.
i don't mind people not talking to me nowadays, because there are more people in the world, better people.
i'm comfortable with who i am now, and i look back at then, and i just think i was foolish back then for being upset about people... but still i don't blame myself, growing up in a schooling environment, and it is just the same people every single day for 12-13 years of your life... i didn't think that there were 'other people' .. i was just stuck with the few hundred people that all felt the same way about me, everyday.
now i am exposed to millions and billions of people that accepts me and even loves me and might even fight for me, oh and for the people that don't get along with me or hates who i am and such, all of you can blow me.
i can't believe i have so many suicide letters.
will rid of them all in the morning.
oh, and the third one was a scrapbook that had a collection of articles of serial killers and homicide, suicide-homicide, mass homicide, and types of weapons like guns and knives..
cases and things like that in such fine detail, i guess i was researching and studying hard.
i should stop here, feeling too intense.
