these are pictures from the kid's first birthday.

and that tiger is cooper's present for Harry(the kid).

it was a good night, got to spend a good amount of time with cooper, and she absolutely loves the kid.

stupid winter, I'm gaining so much weight, but i had a run today and it felt great.

i wonder why i never took cross country at school seriously... i never ran a full course at one of those before.. ever, and had lunch time detention and extra round of the course... stupid teacher.. is that even allowed?... anyway i just walked it.

i like running now... walking.. working out of some sort.

really want to take up on some martial arts again... return to judo or and boxing....

i really really want to train for UFC, really intrigued by that.

i was researching on my old (recent) dj gear.. planning on restocking them, i really miss mixing at home, stupid people, can't believe they sold it.

i heard they stop manufacturing certain gear, feel a bit bummed but maybe ebay?... probably buy my own back!!..

hm...

i want a warm home cooked meal... western style.

i use to have girl that loves cooking stuff like that for me..

roasts and etc.. oh how i miss that... i miss her too, i wonder what she is up to lately, probably running her own restaurant because she is an amazing chef, maybe i should call her... maybe.

um,

yea,

-[Pd]-

spent most of the day with cooper today.. she went home not too long ago.

-

some fucking drunk adults played my guitar and broke my new $70 each, strings.

and i am so fucking pissed off.

why the hell do they always use my guitars??!! why do they always take my good one too, even when it is so securely packed up.

-

i wonder if there is a UFC for women... i'd so join it.... train hard and kick people's ass.

i feel like my agression is overwhelming me and getting out of control...

i loose my head too quickly.

-

i just feel sad and disappointed lately....

-[Pd]-

ok, my last post was... hm.. i feel bad, really bad.. but i am sorry to say but i do not regret saying it or want to take it back because that would do no use, it is out and i am just sorry it had to come out.

OMG.. look.. i was just speaking about the if there was a snack of people... would i be cannibal...

and i was walking around coles today and found this.. and yes i know about jelly babies...

why babies... why not girl or boy..... why babies.. people like eating babies?..

mmmmm chocolate girl....

..nice.

...............went to the beach today.... to get away from this area.... people.. troubles... problems...

and surround myself with the sun, the waves and heaps of strangers, it felt great!!.

well not great!!!... but.. good... to change my day to day atmosphere...

..though, i have a mighty headache...had to talk to a bunch of different people...

.....so many people...

anyways... i am just feeling really annoyed and frustrated about almost anything...

and i feel like i see and talk to strangers more than my own friends

where the fuck are people lately.

just where the fuck are people.

im sick of it...

and this is where i say... here i am.. this is me all by myself, don't tell me i haven't tried to reach you... this why i can't talk my "feelings" to you... because i simply can not find you.

-[Pd]-

a girl wrote her number on the back of this card and gave it to me...

i think this is scaring me.

but scary is hot, i feel intrigued, the curiosity about her.. the fear, the control, the power. its hot.

ok serious now.

i have to admit that i am feeling very bummed that cooper is leaving for a while.

i know i have said it before.. she knows it, i know it... everyone around me knows it.

but i can't stop it...

i am a sook, i know.

but its so hard to not think about it.

i am a sook, i know.

it's becoming so bad that she is forced to make me take her in small doses.

she is like my cigarettes... and i am a heavy chain smoker.

i am dramatic, i know.

I'm serious, we have talked everyday since we met, and it would be hard to not talk to her, or make a silly/dramatic/serious/frustrated/funny/random/cute/sexy comment... to her.. about things.. or about her..

it's just not the same with any one else.

hm...

my phone is attached to my hand.... and she is on the other side...

who will i call now... who will i text now.. hm...

no one else can take all my bullshit.. or play my way or um just respond every time.

i can be obsessive, i know.

i can adapt to a routine/ habit really quickly...

i do a lot of things obsessively and addictively... for a good and big example, girls...but i do seek them because i do happen to enjoy girls and their company... but then again i am obsessively and addicted to them.

and having cooper around 24/7... making comments, turning to her, talking to her,joking with her, seeing her.. is obsessive and additive too. its a habit... and the fact that i have someone to say things to instead of saying it to myself and making myself look silly in public... just laugh at my own comment that was made IN MY HEAD(people pointing and say , omfg look at that crazy girl, wtf is she laughing at??!!).

..yea..

...... speaking of missing....

i miss my friends....

no one seems to be around....

i know i know... work and uni... work and uni.....

hm..

i miss nicky...

i miss bridgette... in a few ways... i just can't help missing her.. because she was and is such a big a dramatic part of my life.

had a nice talk/chat with her today... and apologised for snapping at her a few times... she does frustrate me.. but still its no good to snap at people and be mean and harsh.

um,

i miss my puppy pep...

i miss cramming my day with watching the L word... i am in the middle of the last season and i don't want to continue because it will end. i don't want the L word to end, its heart breaking.

i miss playing my guitar.. and singing..

i spent the whole day with my guitar.. now my fingers and my throat is hurty. =(

i was also looking at a phone catalogue, and a new nokia phone is coming out called the n97... and i want it. i want to have it when it comes out in australia. it satisfies what i want .... well i am mainly attracted to it because it has a full touch screen and a qwerty keypad.

awesome.

i'm hungry now.....

-[Pd]-

my morning oats.

i have eats every morning...

it does good and mellows my energy.

and its great recovery food for whatever happened last night... and of course a cup of extra strong coffee.

had an amazing lunch-lasted-til-about 9pm- date today.

thats about it...

-[Pd]-

so i asked my brother to buy me some tiny teddys... and he got me this woolworths home brand tiny bears..... because it was cheap and he was in a rush..... ok, i should appreciate that he got me anything at all!!!... but damn.. this doesn't satisfy me.

this is my normal quiet night. facebook and twitter...

and pumping loud music into my fragile ears....

it is friday night... and i am suppose to be at a few places.. and because of that.. i don't feel like going out at all. so here i am.. currently listening to a club remix of "thats not my name" and trying to go through this box of tiny bears. not teddys... but bears. that all have the same expression.... smiley. they're all happy that they are being eaten.

spent like... 5? hours around and about with mum today... i felt like i was going to explode.

oh, i tried a toffee apple for the first time today... and i was and still am heaps disappointed...

i have always wanted to try toffee apples ever since i was little... especially watching those halloween movies... and kid movies...

err... don't want another.

"day n night"........

weekend is here. most people would be happy about it, but i am not so looking forward to it.

weekends just means more kids for me to babysit, not unless i get out of the house early... but i dont have place to go... or a car to travel in, my dad also takes the high road when weekends come... because he knows the amount of noise, and mess that will be taking place... and a very moody me.

just discovered that the fray did a cover on "heartless".. i like it....

was talking to a couple of blokes..... about.. stuffs. *ahem*.. anyways..

they were saying they would like to have sex on the kitchen counter... and i just find that kinda weird, well not weird.. but.. i wouldn't want that. like come one... you make food there.. don't make babies there too... well not unless you clean the counter top really good and hard afterwards. it just nasty. i don't want to eat at your place mate, i don't.

why can't you bring it on the floor... or hey, the table is fine too... just not where you cook food.

i understand people have fetish or etc about food and sex.. but yea... for other people's sake of hygiene, please don't.

i'm thinking on maybe stop or limiting myself from girls again... i've only let myself be free for about 2 months? worth and i am in heaps of trouble already.

i just can't help myself when i know i'm allowed.

like with everything, i just can't help myself when i know I'm allowed.

if real bears eat tiny teddys or tiny bears.. is that considered cannibal?...

if there was a biscuit or snack or something that is shaped as humans and i eat that.. would i be considered cannibal? lol..

i just pigged out on so much random food that i feel sick now...

i want to do rock climbing.. or do some sort of training... go back to boxing and judo maybe...

i just need to strengthen my body up again.. been too slacked off and now my back problem is back, and my punches are rusty...

um, anywho,... I'm about running out of things to say.. not like all that is anything, just little chitchats...

-[Pd]-

um,

all i wanted to do today was either sleep or go out....

didn't end up doing any of those.

hm... what to talk about...

i want frozen yogurt

up putting a note in....

i added a few songs on my playlist because SOMEONE wouldn't stop buggin me about it...

and for those who keep asking about the song "I'm yours" by the script...

its on th playlist.. search for it.... i guess you guys never heard of youtube or downloading (pay for it guys.. )... or myspace.

will write something up later.....

-[Pd]-

DO THEY LOOK FUCKING SCARY OR WHAT??!!

who wants to eat that...?

lol,

today was a relatively good day .. nothing extreme happened...

i just got to enjoy myself.

last night went to sleep with a "happy" thought...

slept for about 9 hours...

went to the not-so-long-queue banks this morning... with friendly service and a smile.

spent most of the day at the park with my niece.. playing heaps of random things... and i just love air.. lol... got to run around and not just sit around at home... thinking shit...

and got to connect with my niece a bit more, lately i have been really tensed with her.. and its not her fault , she is just being a kid... and i have issues i need to work on...( i told the kids off yesterday... Jeremy and Vivian and Dalenna?.. their cousin... for not playing with each other properly, and Vivian keeps crying and Jeremy keeps pushing her and he needs to understand that he is older and heavier so when he pushes or jumps.. its a huge force.. especially to Vivian which is like half his size and age, and then there's the mess... they are old enough to pick up after themselves, talk politely and not scream or use bitchy tone.. i hope they understood what i was saying... i may have said too much, i just want them to understand that there are easy ways... easy unselfish ways. i grew up being troubled by bitchy snobby people... so i don't want them to turn into one of them... i hope i didn't go overboard, they are lovely kids...they are just kids.. but i start to see how their personality is developing as they grow.. their parents don't exactly give them a great example of how to be. gosh i hope they still love me.. i still feel so bad from telling them off, but i can't go weak on them now or else they won't take it seriously.)

and then went to eat dinner with cooper... i had Nandos for the first time tonight... i got too overly excited... i found it expensive though, when i looked at the menu.. the price was fine.. until the food came out.. there were so less, so i reckon its expensive(lol, i sound cheap... i just like value for money... I'm not cheap).

so that was my day....

I'm trying to learn how to play "I'm yours" by The Script on guitar, by ear.... and that is taking up my time... which is good, because i won't have time to think too much.

i really should note down my tabs... i keep forgetting it, though i can pick it straight away when i play... the song has been on repeat for three days.....

i wonder how long I'm going to last..

i feel sad, because cooper is going to go overseas for about 5- 6 months...and she and i have been talking to each other everyday since we met.... either from quick calls (she knows i don't like talking on the phone), to smsing, to msn.....

i don't know how I'm going to be sane if i don't talk to somebody....or her, because i am just so use to contacting her everyday.

i told her I'm a bit upset... and she is trying to comfort me ahhaha.... saying theres always msn.. and emails... well cooper.. your inbox is going to flood with me. and shes been trying to see be as much as she can before going... hahaha... i'm such a sook.

she is leaving in 2 weeks... I'm such a sook.

anyhow...

-[Pd]-

i love love love heart tiny teddy.....i must have had... about 8 of those packets in the last 2 or 3 hours...

ever since i was little, i love tiny teddys... though i wasn't exposed to them til about , say 12 years old?... because my parents weren't into these snacks and such... my parents found them unnecessary and a waste of money, but when i got to try it... i have never looked back, tiny teddy has become my favourite....

childish, i know.. but they make me smile...

and they are all so cute.

look at them... just sitting there with their silly cute faces... i just want to eat them... but saving those for my brother... he denies it, but i know he loves them too.

omg, did i tell you that my hot water system broke?... like two days ago?....

the water cooker?... had some sort of leakage.. and so my dad turns it off for the majority of the day and night... and he made everyone shower at a certain time...

and i couldn't stand it... i shower like... 2 to 3 times a day... i am a personal hygiene freak, and this just turned me insane... i washed my hands like literally every 5 minutes because the thought of restricted hot water usage(showers) just drives me crazy(yea.. i kinda didn't wanna touch anyone because i was stressing out and doubting my and their hygiene).

and i could not... shower until like about 4pm today, because my dad was replacing the hot water tank and had to wait for it to be installed and for it to settle then boil the damn water.. and i just went nuts... i lost my mind.

be glad that you weren't around me today...

he made me shower like an hour ago... as my last shower for today... then he turned off the system again... *sigh*... i have a feeling i won't be sleeping tonight, just be awake washing my hands every 5 minutes but i will try to sleep.

hmph.

i love watching the lakers and the magic ..... (NBA - basketball)

such great teams... i can never choose sides.. so i just get excited about their extremely incredible techniques and confuse the crap out of the person watching with me whenever they vs.

by the way.... thanks too allll my American friends that watched it before me... thanks for not telling me the outcome, scores. but then again, it won't make much of a difference if you did tell me because i'd still enjoy the game just as much, because i love watching all their techniques/tricks.

my nephew Jeremy drew this.. because he was bored one time... and he calls it " strings or lazers"... honestly, i love it... i just love it. i can't exactly explain why or how... i just love it.

i open it really big.. max my screen and just stare at it... i love to just stare blankly into it...

i notice, depending on my mood, i see different colours and or different patterns...

my mind loves complication &contrast...but simple.

if i haven't already told you or if you haven't already know.. i love the mind. i fond thoughts.

don't get me wrong... i don't try to get inside your head by asking you a bunch of random piercing questions...and i don't try to just get inside your head so i can mess it up....

the usual, i just try to figure out your comfort zone...

though i do like to push the mind, and i do get attracted to things like what Jeremy drew... it is totally random but it was from a mood, a expression, he was expressing himself. - the choice of colour, which he used first , which he even used at all... and the direction of the lines... the patterns...

i like to analyse people's behaviour.

do you know anyone else like me? do these things?...

i admit i do these things because i do like to study people, but i do it on my own.. i don't take classes... i don't attend school, heaps of people i know are studying psychology.. i wonder how they deal with that... because everyone has a different way of analysing something or someone, and i know expressions and etc are common, like when your happy you'd smile.. i know that..

i just wonder how they pick at the deeper... inside emotion, personality.

if you study psychology, tell me about it... tell me what you get out of it...

my first reasons for learning psychological things are because i find people lie too much.. and i was young, and you know when sometimes wish that you have superpowers and that you could read people's minds and etc... well that was my reason.. and note again.. i was a kid when i wish this...

so i grew up with that reason...

and then a few years down, i used it as an advantage to get to people... pick ups, hook ups... i could always adapt faster to people when i figure out some sort of mood/thought (intentions) of the other person and adapt myself to their comfort level.

but then i started getting dark... i tried to study the minds of serial killers....i find them fascinating, and then i got to a point where i realised there's are heaps more the mind can do... and there are many ways of pushing the mind, opening new dimensions of thoughts.

i know i sound crazy.... i guess i have too much time on my hands.

i speak of these things a lot.. and a few people say to me " oh, why don't you just study psychology and become a psychologist or become a neurologist"

neurology is the physical, i'm not into that...

psychologist?.. i'm not interested in the helping to get better as a job, i'm ok with it as a friends thing but not for a job.... i reckon that if i do become a psychologist, i'd be a really crap service because i wouldn't try to help you.. i'll probably be trying to pick your brains out... for my own kicks.

i am just simply curious about the mind, what controls who we are... i have no point on why i am so drawn to this... i just like it.

the thoughts, the emotions, the effects, the affects, the influence, etc etc etc....just how we be.

and no, i don't mind wash. that's just silly... because i wouldn't be interested anymore.

-[Pd]-

I'm bored.

I'm cold.

maybe i should wear a jumper....cbf...

still bored.... and still cold.. and a tad sleepy..

i have no car to drive around in right now....

there's no visitors over today... and its quiet... yay...

but I'm bored.

i am so bored that i changed my shirt three times already... that gave me something to do and think about..

my hot water system broke... dad is out looking for one to buy...

i want coffee and the sun...

home coffee is getting boring to me.. the sun?.. is just outside but some random cat pooped somewhere outside and i don't want to hang around a smelly place...

went to pay the bills today..... all money gone again... *cries*...

why are there so many different bills *ponders*...

anyways..i'll probably go for a walk......

-[Pd]-

i heart coffee, i had about 8 cups in a roll at one point of the day... and i felt like i was going to pass from the pressure i was feeling by my heart stressing out...

but i went to the park and wasted it off my system...

i have this unnoticed til today wound on my thumb... it is annoying and hurts...

i have no idea on when or how it happened..

*ponders*

um, what am i suppose to do when i can't move on... but i can't be with her as well.

what am i suppose to say this is..

" i want to leave you but i can't, it just hurts to be with you, but it also hurts to be without you."

she pops in and out of my days... telling me that she doesn't want to be with me and can't stand who i am at one minute and the next she tells me that she misses me and loves me and wants to be with me.

she doesn't want to talk to me about it.

this is Bridgette by the way... i thought we were over.. she said we were over.. but it doesn't seem like so.

parts of me wants to be with her... parts don't because of how this keeps dragging...

i feel trapped... because i don't seem to be allowed to do anything...

because, i can't move on, nor be with her...

i keep asking her.. and trying to talk to her about it... even try to convince her that I'm worthy... or i can change.. or i can... i just can.

but she avoids it and me when i bring it up...

and i need a clear answer, i thought i had a clear answer the other night, clearly not.

i told her that between the "clear answer" and now... that i have hooked up with others.. i don't know how long that was... maybe three days ago?

she took it in and she was hurt... but then she came back and talked as if nothing happened.. and then she became all sweet and " i miss u and i love" mood again...

i don't understand...

is she trying to accept me as who i am?

but who am i... i don't know how she sees me.

does she want me? or not..

is there a reason why she is so in between?... so hesitant?.... so unclear?...

i know she is the kind of person that takes what others say in consideration, is that part of it too?..

why is this so complicated...

she moved away, hoping it would be easy... but all i see is it makes it even harder...

yes? no?...

maybe i need to do something more than just ask her ....

maybe i should decide if this still goes or it should stop.

i admit i do feel scared to pull away.. because there are parts of me what wants her to be with me and spend as much time with each other as possible, i can see us being happy.i can see us loving.

but if this keeps going on.. i don't feel like its going to be happy and loving... we'll just want to... want to be happy and want to love... but all I'll feel and see is doubt...

i find it hard to patch things up... either if i was the wrong or the other person was the wrong... i find it hard to patch up. sometimes... it'll pass within time.. but it'll come back if something is dug up.

don't judge from what i say... because i am not a grudge holder... and i am not driven by guilt... i don't know what it's called but it's just if someone is hurt... then it stays with me... i don't like when people are hurt... but it happens. with knowledge, without knowledge... it happens.

i like honesty, and so to be honest... i have a few of those moments with friends.. and i still feel it sometimes.. even if it has been a long time since it happened...

it may not be a huge deal, but i still feel it.

though some were big deals... and they were hard...

a few were really hard.. and i was young and i didn't know how to deal with it and just hoped that i could have taken it back... every single day i hoped that it never happened.

to think about it... i grew up being a depressed and desperate child, well i think i still am..

the only thing different from now and then was... i found people that accepts and is ok with who i am. i lost heaps of friends, but for those who chose to stick with me.. accepted me and is ok with who i am, and i am thankful for that. i have three great friends who i met in high school, but i don't think i have told them how much i appreciate them, having them around... and for them to continue to be around me despite of all the shit that i do.

hm.. i think i lost track there...

i feel emotional now... because i just opened up heaps of wounds... the past... i shouldn't think about the past.

*sigh*...

hm.. i forgot what i was on about before i went off track ..... let me read back...

OH, ok... well.. i think i should be the one to end things, she she continues to be indecisive, because this is just too much...

damn, the weather is so cold lately..

and i caught myself... talking to myself... again... it's not a good sign.

... i feel like.. people have just disappeared... i know uni and tafe stuffs are going on.. but yea.. feels so empty lately... i hope people start appearing soon... i kinda need human contact... i find myself on the cyber space too much... its weirding me out...

anti-social....

i wanna go out.. meet people....

i'm getting to the point where i feel like my computer is going to eat me...

thats right. i am up to that point.

i feel like i'm drowning in myself again... i need people around me...

i don't want to listen to myself anymore.. getting abit too insane,

i want to hear your voice, see your face... feel your heart beat( yea i know thats a creepy thing.. but im fond of heart beats)...

i think i just need to get out... just get out... breathe in some air.. some cold cold air...

but if i go out... i'll do it again.. i'll hook up again... and i can't be doing that right now...

i know i will do it.. even if i try not to... even if i stop half way.. she'll continue the rest..

anyways.

-[Pd]-

...some things i heart.

this is a "scarification" and i want one.

this photo was taken from central station, and i think it is hilarious!!

(i wonder where the bottle of sprite is thinking on going)

this is Carah Faye... i love her.

she is a former shiny toy gun band member, and now with Versant.

check them out.

this is an absolutely beautiful picture, her name is Kate Voegele.

my old set.

oh how i miss you.

Mr Jason Mraz... holding heaps of popcorn.

this is me and cooper...

at some party...

probably taken at the beginning of this year.

this is ice cream... or shaved ice .. something along those lines... cooper sent me this picture promising me to take me to try it out...

(thats her sister in the background... yummy ....yummy ice cream)

this... is funny.

this shoe is orgasmic .

i took this at the beach one time... i like the beach...

these shoes are to die for... i love them. the hundreds are awesome.

this is my giant cookie, i was bored and needed some cheering up,

and i needed heaps of cheering up, so i baked a giant cookie.

this is my coffee cup, which i just finished.

hm... coffee, i want more.

this is "human bread"...

if you don't know what that is... look it up,

you'll get a kick from learning what it is.

this is Gabe... and i love him.

-[Pd]-

cooper is drunk.... she keeps texting me with weird messages, its funny though.

she keeps telling me to sleep and reminding me that we haven't drank together in a while...

i do miss drinking with her... well just plain hanging out with her, it has been a while.

she is hilarious when she drinks...i love it.

i think she drinks more than me.. we never actually gotten really wasted... because we go up to the city to drink because we would eat some Korean or Japanese food.. and of course go for a cruising spree (if you know what that means, good on you... if you don't then don't stress your head..its just checking out people..).. and of course we plan to drink or know it'll eventually happen.. we take the train... so we have to be still caution enough to get home safely. - sometimes she drives me home if it's too late ( no she doesn't drive while being wasted.. she only take a few, enough for the limit).

-----------------------//

thank you for being so caring about Bridgette and me..

we're not involved anymore...

really, don't want to discuss... because there's not much to discuss..

just a sad thing.

---------------------------------//

the last two days.... i have been cruising a lot......

i feel pathetic, either because i feel like one of those sleazy jerks that just goes around sleeping then breaking people... or i feel like i am just that pathetic person that has no aim for life.. and has absolutely nothing else to do.. so goes around tyring to hook up with everyone..

OK, i reckon part of each is true... and i reckon people do see me in those ways...

maybe i have a huge ego to feed..... to keep confidence by taking/keeping control...

and crumble when I'm not in control anymore...

because basically, girls are probably the only thing i know. - to seek them,to woo them, to please them, satisfy them.

until they get attached... i think i panic when they do get attached... because it becomes out of my comfort zone of the main intention... don't get me wrong, i do like love.... in fact, i love love.

and i do fall for them once in a few.... honestly.. if i didn't fall for at least one little thing then why would i go there.

i don't always go for looks... all of you expect i do.. but i don't.

i like looking at "looks" but personality catches me... looks are nothing if you have a shit personality...

personality plays a huge roll in everything you do.

anyways...

i think I'm too much out of control again.. i feel this way every once in a while.. more often now than before...

every so often.. i get into this state of mind where i want to... have the urge to.. i dream about...

doing some thing bad.... very bad... like hurting or killing or do some sort of twisted freaky shit...

I've had this going ever since i was little...and i had my cowardness to thank... me being a coward help me keep it down....

but as i grew up, i discovered that there are certain things i could do to satisfy the needs, and then i feel like my cowardness is fading... i have the thought of.. i know i can achieve it if i really want to.

i use dating as a distraction...

sex to satisfy the thoughts and urges...

but then i discovered other sides of sex... and groups of people, like domination groups, gothic culture, etc... so i began letting all that in my life... realising that it is one or a few steps closer to what i want.... but also to what i try to keep inside...i hoped that if i do all these little things then that would be enough and i wouldn't have to go that way, so it'll just go away.

soon.. my life was filled with deep and dark affections, blood, a bit of pain, the twisted thoughts.. the twisted plays...

mind games.

i soon discovered after that, that i am very much fond of the mind and reading people.

i found to trust the body more than the speech.

speech plays very little for me... (yea.. that's probably why i don't like talking over the phone.)

so now, my "game" has become more and more complicated to deal with.

and it is very hard to find another that is the same way i am... wants what i want.. feels how i feel. i can't share my desired interest as much as i would like, it's hard to find the right prey ( i don't know if i should call people "prey" but you get the point right? someone to give in to me?... the willing of my desired? are probably better to say...).

i go around to find the right willing... i don't exactly know what i am looking for but it's something. most people are too "normal" to me... and i don't take much interest.

i find interest in freaks... the broken... the corrupted.. the missing/empty..

i guess that is because that gives me the chance to read them, to get into them on my own.

but the jolly people can be broken too.... and hide behind their bright smiles and giggles.

i honestly don't think there is a 100% happy person.

we're all freaks, in one way or another... that's what makes the world interesting.

but i do feel like i am a psychotic killer... even though i havent killed... i feel like one.

i have to stop these sick thoughts/urges...

a couple of years ago, i had to be hospitalised/admitted to to a psych ward because of a sexual happening gone wrong...

i won't say what happened... because.. yea.. i just won't.

last night... i really had a HUGE HUGE urge to act out what i want to do...

i have been having the thoughts and urges for a few days, but last night was heavy.

i was forced to share it with a friend... i know she felt uncomfortable.... and i feel sorry she had to hear(read... coz it was online) about it... i feel like i can trust her to keep me sane... or at least distracted me til the feeling dies down a bit, i feel like she can bring some happy sort of feeling in to me... i am so thankful for the close people around me..

guys i know you all will read this.. so thank you, thank you for dealing with me and not run away when i need you or when i put something as horrible as this on you...

this is the best place that i can tell you about me and my troubles and the best place to take my time to talk to you, all at the same time so the same feeling/mood is given out.

i truly heart you for staying with me.

i guess it sounds like the darkness has died down.... i tried watching heaps of girly flicks and surrounding myself with cuteness all day long... and tried to call people to hang out... and not sit in my thoughts....

i went out... talked to a couple of nice girls...

then hung out with my brother for a while and went shopping for things for his car...(saw some nice cruises during but couldn't do anything... bummer)

and then went out for abit more because i had an itch to cruise again....

i was picking up my nephew yesterday from his tutoring place, i came a bit too early(because the parking is shit there so i have to come early to find a spot to park) so i sat at the reception area... and i couldn't help but notice that some of the teachers are really really cute... and pretty...

one particular one dressed in a style i absolutely fall for no doubt.

i wanted to talk to her... but i felt inappropriate... and she was teaching...

anyways.

thanks for reading... i hope i didnt scare you off.

-[Pd]-

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OK, typical me.... i went out because i was... am feeling blue...

maybe that was a mistake...

even though, i just simply went out... and not hook up or flirt with anyone....

i was assumed so.

will that be the rest of my life?

is this the lifestyle so obvious that its just an automatic assumption?

last night , before i posted.. i wrote to Bridgette.... and after i posted, i called Bridgette...

we worked through some things, we connected, we admitted we wanted each other so badly that we want to try again...

we left on a great note.

then this morning i had a bad time with some things, so i went out to clear my head... i went to a cafe....

and yes a few people talked to me as i sat there....

then Bridgette's little brat sister saw me and thought i was flirting and trying to hook up so she told Bridgette....

and with my not so great history/lifestyle... Bridgette isn't so sure about me again...

to be honest, i getting tired of trying to prove myself...

i feel like an convicted robber that got released from gaol and now trying to get a job as a cashier...or in a bank.

i want her..... but i feel frustrated.

i feel like giving up.... because i feel frustrated.

i understand that maybe she doesn't want to get her heart broken so she's just being careful before she steps into anything... she did get hurt from me the first time around...

this seems so complicated, but its not...

there's too much thinking... too much outsider's talk....

she considers what outsiders say about me...

she found out she knows some people that i have been with...

all odds are against me.... every one is pushing me away from her....

I'm not saying that what they say are lies.... i have been around....i know it.. they know it.. even you probably know it.

they use that as a ... i can never commit to her... and will just fuck her over and leave...

but I'm serious about her... but I'm getting tired...

what do i do.... shes away... and shes being hot and cold with me... do i hang on?...

i feel tired and frustrated...

is it worth it in the end? fighting so hard?... will we get to be happy even if she do get together and people still talking in her ear?...

i can't decide on my own... i won't decide on my own...

i need for her to tell me, discuss with me ....

but i can't get to her....

she cuts communication with me when she feels insecure about me... and that is right now...

....my playing days are biting me on the arse?.... karma?

dear karma... please not now.

pfffts karma.. there's no karma in this.... i did it... its all me... my doing... my fault.

i can't blame anyone or anything.... i did it allllll....

this is my consequences...

consequences.

just like smoking..... cancer...

just like drinking.... liver damage...

just like speeding... car crash...

hm....... wtf?... yea my mind is like that....

-[Pd]-

Hello, my name is Tori and I am an observer.

why is it so hard for me to speak to someone face to face about something important...??!!!

why can't i say i love you and explain and describe how much you mean to me when i look at you??!!

why do i say things too late.... the moment you walked away.

what I'm trying to imply here is.... why can't i just talk...

with my blog... i talk more than i ever do in like a month.

facebook and twitter... has been my voice.

I've been writing messages to Bridgette through facebook and twitter... and i noticed i have never actually said anything i have written to her before...

why....

why haven't i...

I'm a real wreck when it comes to talking feelings... or anything about myself...

do i not want people to know me?

can i not stand the questions and confrontations?

am i afraid of face to face reactions? because i have no where to hide?

but i like face to face, i like to meet face to face, i like to talk face to face.

words does not mean much until emotions and body/face expression is involved.

i like the silent talk that happens with a conversation, i can read that louder than i can hear the words.

I'm not saying I'm an expert at reading body language or anything, I'm not like "lie to me"...

i just pick up some things as the years go by.. dealing with people... i started to learn and not have to ask for so much .... you can learn so much by expression and tone... combined with words...

but why... can't I..... speak out... when you are clearly standing right in front of me waiting for me to say something... i know other people need words... and not like me how i like to read expressions...

maybe i get too caught up on watching you, that i can't focus on talk because i was never good at it...- never good on expressing me.

people get impatient and annoyed that i don't talk to them about how I'm feeling and etc...

not like i don't want to talk... i just can't.

especially on demand... on the spot... i can't.

alright i know what you are going to say now... (people i know)...

yea yea, I'm all smooth talk when i meet someone and hook up so easy..... but you see, that's not speaking my deep feelings...

i just follow what they want and not have to deal with myself...

with that said.. do i not talk because i don't want to deal with myself?

do i not deal with myself?... i become weak when i am forced to? or maybe i just get into too much shit that i prefer not to deal with myself...too many regrets that i just prefer not to think about them..?

regrets...

i randomly told a friend that i saw regret as chewing gum/ bubble gum that you have just stepped on.... once its on your shoe... you cant get it off... it's so hard to try to pick it off with a stick.. you cant rub your shoe on the ground and hope for it to come off.... once every so often you can get it off .... other times... its just there forever, maybe one day you'll forget about it... but then its still there.

expressing myself has been the almost main reasons why my relationships don't last...

it's all fun and games until it gets too serious and they want to get inside of me and i cant deliver.

its not like i can't commit, i just don't talk a lot.

is this something that can be fixed?... i'd like to try it.

-[Pd]-

went to lunch&coffee and sat at a lake with a friend today...

i like visiting the lake...
today was so still and calming... letting the time sneak pass without realisation...
thoughts filled my head... and emotions filled my heart...
but i tired to keep it in... foolishly, i tried to keep it in.

i wanted to say so much, because there is so much on my mind..
but i like listening...

i has been a while since i visited the lake, simply because of the weather...
but today was some how perfect...
i miss the lake...
the lake allows me to feel free, with the open air, the still/calm water, the birds flying by, the grass, the trees......

i felt free, collected, content....
wished that could have stayed a bit longer, but i don't think there is enough time in the world to make me want to leave.

i like to keep the scenery in my mind to help me relax.


also met a nice lady and her little shy grandson... Jonathan?...
she seems so nice and open minded... positive, understanding....
i wonder if I'll be understanding, positive and open minded and still love kids when I'm a tad older...
its so sweet that just the thought of the lady taking her grandson to the swings everyday, and he gets tired within a few swings and she carries him home...
her heart is big..

maybe the lake helped her be so content...because she lives right at the lake side, just across the road(109 she keeps repeating... who knows maybe i will knock on her door some day- *knockknock* hello, I'm that weird little girl you thought that was 16 and still in school and thought maybe skipped school just to hang out at the lake but discovered that I'm a 20 year old that is just hanging out with her friend and then you came over and started talking to us.. how have you been?) maybe i should buy a home there so maybe I'll calm down a tad more...

-[Pd]-