she keeps telling me to sleep and reminding me that we haven't drank together in a while...
i do miss drinking with her... well just plain hanging out with her, it has been a while.
she is hilarious when she drinks...i love it.
i think she drinks more than me.. we never actually gotten really wasted... because we go up to the city to drink because we would eat some Korean or Japanese food.. and of course go for a cruising spree (if you know what that means, good on you... if you don't then don't stress your head..its just checking out people..).. and of course we plan to drink or know it'll eventually happen.. we take the train... so we have to be still caution enough to get home safely. - sometimes she drives me home if it's too late ( no she doesn't drive while being wasted.. she only take a few, enough for the limit).
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thank you for being so caring about Bridgette and me..
we're not involved anymore...
really, don't want to discuss... because there's not much to discuss..
just a sad thing.
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the last two days.... i have been cruising a lot......
i feel pathetic, either because i feel like one of those sleazy jerks that just goes around sleeping then breaking people... or i feel like i am just that pathetic person that has no aim for life.. and has absolutely nothing else to do.. so goes around tyring to hook up with everyone..
OK, i reckon part of each is true... and i reckon people do see me in those ways...
maybe i have a huge ego to feed..... to keep confidence by taking/keeping control...
and crumble when I'm not in control anymore...
because basically, girls are probably the only thing i know. - to seek them,to woo them, to please them, satisfy them.
until they get attached... i think i panic when they do get attached... because it becomes out of my comfort zone of the main intention... don't get me wrong, i do like love.... in fact, i love love.
and i do fall for them once in a few.... honestly.. if i didn't fall for at least one little thing then why would i go there.
i don't always go for looks... all of you expect i do.. but i don't.
i like looking at "looks" but personality catches me... looks are nothing if you have a shit personality...
personality plays a huge roll in everything you do.
anyways...
i think I'm too much out of control again.. i feel this way every once in a while.. more often now than before...
every so often.. i get into this state of mind where i want to... have the urge to.. i dream about...
doing some thing bad.... very bad... like hurting or killing or do some sort of twisted freaky shit...
I've had this going ever since i was little...and i had my cowardness to thank... me being a coward help me keep it down....
but as i grew up, i discovered that there are certain things i could do to satisfy the needs, and then i feel like my cowardness is fading... i have the thought of.. i know i can achieve it if i really want to.
i use dating as a distraction...
sex to satisfy the thoughts and urges...
but then i discovered other sides of sex... and groups of people, like domination groups, gothic culture, etc... so i began letting all that in my life... realising that it is one or a few steps closer to what i want.... but also to what i try to keep inside...i hoped that if i do all these little things then that would be enough and i wouldn't have to go that way, so it'll just go away.
soon.. my life was filled with deep and dark affections, blood, a bit of pain, the twisted thoughts.. the twisted plays...
mind games.
i soon discovered after that, that i am very much fond of the mind and reading people.
i found to trust the body more than the speech.
speech plays very little for me... (yea.. that's probably why i don't like talking over the phone.)
so now, my "game" has become more and more complicated to deal with.
and it is very hard to find another that is the same way i am... wants what i want.. feels how i feel. i can't share my desired interest as much as i would like, it's hard to find the right prey ( i don't know if i should call people "prey" but you get the point right? someone to give in to me?... the willing of my desired? are probably better to say...).
i go around to find the right willing... i don't exactly know what i am looking for but it's something. most people are too "normal" to me... and i don't take much interest.
i find interest in freaks... the broken... the corrupted.. the missing/empty..
i guess that is because that gives me the chance to read them, to get into them on my own.
but the jolly people can be broken too.... and hide behind their bright smiles and giggles.
i honestly don't think there is a 100% happy person.
we're all freaks, in one way or another... that's what makes the world interesting.
but i do feel like i am a psychotic killer... even though i havent killed... i feel like one.
i have to stop these sick thoughts/urges...
a couple of years ago, i had to be hospitalised/admitted to to a psych ward because of a sexual happening gone wrong...
i won't say what happened... because.. yea.. i just won't.
last night... i really had a HUGE HUGE urge to act out what i want to do...
i have been having the thoughts and urges for a few days, but last night was heavy.
i was forced to share it with a friend... i know she felt uncomfortable.... and i feel sorry she had to hear(read... coz it was online) about it... i feel like i can trust her to keep me sane... or at least distracted me til the feeling dies down a bit, i feel like she can bring some happy sort of feeling in to me... i am so thankful for the close people around me..
guys i know you all will read this.. so thank you, thank you for dealing with me and not run away when i need you or when i put something as horrible as this on you...
this is the best place that i can tell you about me and my troubles and the best place to take my time to talk to you, all at the same time so the same feeling/mood is given out.
i truly heart you for staying with me.
i guess it sounds like the darkness has died down.... i tried watching heaps of girly flicks and surrounding myself with cuteness all day long... and tried to call people to hang out... and not sit in my thoughts....
i went out... talked to a couple of nice girls...
then hung out with my brother for a while and went shopping for things for his car...(saw some nice cruises during but couldn't do anything... bummer)
and then went out for abit more because i had an itch to cruise again....
i was picking up my nephew yesterday from his tutoring place, i came a bit too early(because the parking is shit there so i have to come early to find a spot to park) so i sat at the reception area... and i couldn't help but notice that some of the teachers are really really cute... and pretty...
one particular one dressed in a style i absolutely fall for no doubt.
i wanted to talk to her... but i felt inappropriate... and she was teaching...
anyways.
thanks for reading... i hope i didnt scare you off.
-[Pd]-
