why can't i say i love you and explain and describe how much you mean to me when i look at you??!!
why do i say things too late.... the moment you walked away.
what I'm trying to imply here is.... why can't i just talk...
with my blog... i talk more than i ever do in like a month.
facebook and twitter... has been my voice.
I've been writing messages to Bridgette through facebook and twitter... and i noticed i have never actually said anything i have written to her before...
why....
why haven't i...
I'm a real wreck when it comes to talking feelings... or anything about myself...
do i not want people to know me?
can i not stand the questions and confrontations?
am i afraid of face to face reactions? because i have no where to hide?
but i like face to face, i like to meet face to face, i like to talk face to face.
words does not mean much until emotions and body/face expression is involved.
i like the silent talk that happens with a conversation, i can read that louder than i can hear the words.
I'm not saying I'm an expert at reading body language or anything, I'm not like "lie to me"...
i just pick up some things as the years go by.. dealing with people... i started to learn and not have to ask for so much .... you can learn so much by expression and tone... combined with words...
but why... can't I..... speak out... when you are clearly standing right in front of me waiting for me to say something... i know other people need words... and not like me how i like to read expressions...
maybe i get too caught up on watching you, that i can't focus on talk because i was never good at it...- never good on expressing me.
people get impatient and annoyed that i don't talk to them about how I'm feeling and etc...
not like i don't want to talk... i just can't.
especially on demand... on the spot... i can't.
alright i know what you are going to say now... (people i know)...
yea yea, I'm all smooth talk when i meet someone and hook up so easy..... but you see, that's not speaking my deep feelings...
i just follow what they want and not have to deal with myself...
with that said.. do i not talk because i don't want to deal with myself?
do i not deal with myself?... i become weak when i am forced to? or maybe i just get into too much shit that i prefer not to deal with myself...too many regrets that i just prefer not to think about them..?
regrets...
i randomly told a friend that i saw regret as chewing gum/ bubble gum that you have just stepped on.... once its on your shoe... you cant get it off... it's so hard to try to pick it off with a stick.. you cant rub your shoe on the ground and hope for it to come off.... once every so often you can get it off .... other times... its just there forever, maybe one day you'll forget about it... but then its still there.
expressing myself has been the almost main reasons why my relationships don't last...
it's all fun and games until it gets too serious and they want to get inside of me and i cant deliver.
its not like i can't commit, i just don't talk a lot.
is this something that can be fixed?... i'd like to try it.
-[Pd]-
