maybe that was a mistake...
even though, i just simply went out... and not hook up or flirt with anyone....
i was assumed so.
will that be the rest of my life?
is this the lifestyle so obvious that its just an automatic assumption?
last night , before i posted.. i wrote to Bridgette.... and after i posted, i called Bridgette...
we worked through some things, we connected, we admitted we wanted each other so badly that we want to try again...
we left on a great note.
then this morning i had a bad time with some things, so i went out to clear my head... i went to a cafe....
and yes a few people talked to me as i sat there....
then Bridgette's little brat sister saw me and thought i was flirting and trying to hook up so she told Bridgette....
and with my not so great history/lifestyle... Bridgette isn't so sure about me again...
to be honest, i getting tired of trying to prove myself...
i feel like an convicted robber that got released from gaol and now trying to get a job as a cashier...or in a bank.
i want her..... but i feel frustrated.
i feel like giving up.... because i feel frustrated.
i understand that maybe she doesn't want to get her heart broken so she's just being careful before she steps into anything... she did get hurt from me the first time around...
this seems so complicated, but its not...
there's too much thinking... too much outsider's talk....
she considers what outsiders say about me...
she found out she knows some people that i have been with...
all odds are against me.... every one is pushing me away from her....
I'm not saying that what they say are lies.... i have been around....i know it.. they know it.. even you probably know it.
they use that as a ... i can never commit to her... and will just fuck her over and leave...
but I'm serious about her... but I'm getting tired...
what do i do.... shes away... and shes being hot and cold with me... do i hang on?...
i feel tired and frustrated...
is it worth it in the end? fighting so hard?... will we get to be happy even if she do get together and people still talking in her ear?...
i can't decide on my own... i won't decide on my own...
i need for her to tell me, discuss with me ....
but i can't get to her....
she cuts communication with me when she feels insecure about me... and that is right now...
....my playing days are biting me on the arse?.... karma?
dear karma... please not now.
pfffts karma.. there's no karma in this.... i did it... its all me... my doing... my fault.
i can't blame anyone or anything.... i did it allllll....
this is my consequences...
consequences.
just like smoking..... cancer...
just like drinking.... liver damage...
just like speeding... car crash...
hm....... wtf?... yea my mind is like that....
-[Pd]-
