lips of an angel

Honey why you callin me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you cryin
Is everything ok
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud

Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice
Sayin my name
It sounds so sweet
Comin from the lips of an angel
Hearin those words
It makes me weak

And I
Never want to say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're callin me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
Does he know your talkin' to me?
Will it start a fight?
No, I don't think she has a clue

Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice
Sayin my name
It sounds so sweet
Comin from the lips of an angel
Hearin those words
It makes me weak

And I
Never want to say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

-[Pd]-

The Four

THE FOUR!!! lol... thats what i call it. this is... Helen Tran , Nhi Tran(me), Sara Lam, Cynthia Lee. and these are the people i will treasure what i have with them forever. my close three friends, we all come from four different groups!!! hahahaha..... but we found each other ... somehow. um.. so yea.. enjoy the picture guys.

random update.

hm.. i havent updated in a while... so what should i talk about today... hm..

well i recently was at a farewell party for one of my friends, Sara Lam, she is moving to melbourn on christmas day. =[ she will be sadly missed. she used to be one of my close friends, but something happened (my fault actually) and we split for almost a year until before our year 12 gaduation.. well at least she IS talking to be at all.

um... i want to go to melbourn. Janice is there.. hehehe... and she told me she is spending her christmas alone because her parents are going away for the holidays.. so, I SO WANT TO BE WITH HER!!! hehe for christmas..... man.. that would be SO GREAT!!... but i dont have any money for traveling.. bummer! i cant wait till she comes to sydney!!! OMFG SERIOUSLY.. i cant wait to spend some private time with her.

i miss hanging out with my friends... but everyone is so busy and stuff that i dont want to bother them. maybe i should just throw a party and invite all of them..... like for my birthday comeing up.... i dont even know if they remember or not...
maybe i should invite Janice too hehehe!!! just me and her!! lol.. im sorry.. im talking of her too much.
i really feel crazy about her and i havent even known her for long. and i feel like im rushing into things but i really feel good about her, i only need to think of her and my heart races like madness!!..

um...
yea.. lol.. i better go before i talk more about Janice.. hehe...

-[Pd]-

Janii...Janice..

i met a girl that is absolutly amazing.... she makes my heart beat faster than being pointed in the head with a loaded gun!!... everytime im with her or even just talking to her.. i feel as though nothing else matters... i forget about everything surrounding me and just focus on her... that is how good she makes me feel. i'd never thought i'd say this about anyone besides duyen, but i guess i was wrong. i finally found someone else. but i must admit i still sometimes link a moment i have with this new girl.. with duyen, like a flashback kind of thing. which makes me feel really... hurt?... sad...
this girl's name is Janice. and i feel that i really like her.. and she also let me know that she likes me. she isnt hot, nor ugly. average. but that doesnt matter!!! hehe... its the way she is thats making me weak, the way she knows the way i think and knows what to say when im with her, her opinion on everything. she is a cafe kind of girl... which i love, (now, what i meant by a cafe kind of girl is that she is a calm relaxed girl that likes to sit down and enjoy the moment, a calm vibe of communication .. etc etc.) she is... so.. romantic and sexy in her own way , yet she is so innocent, it drives me crazy!!.... she is so understanding of me its a little bit scary!! and i've just known her.. some of my closest friends dont even know me or understand me this much!!

actually.. i think i've talked about her enough.. lol.... i dont think u'd want me to ram on about her lol.... so suming up.. her name is Janice and i am absolutly in ... well its abit early but... in love with her!!! ... well i like her alot.

-[Pd]-

interesting

i tried to pick up a girl today.. and it turned out to be my lil primary friend lol.. it was so funny... she used to hang around me and my group of friends in primary. and she was only in year 1 when i was in year 6.... lol... but then i still hung out with her for the following three years.. then we stopped... now shes in high school and all grown up.. its amazing how fast and in a different way we grow up.... well im talking about her right now but yea.. lol.. shes in year um... 8? and possibily attending liverpool girls school, im not sure, we didnt talk for long... just a long huge ass arkward silients..hahahaha but then it ended well with a nice hug, a kiss , a phone number and a cya later... lol.. it turns out she still lives near me... just around the corner from my house lol... *WOOOOHOOO* hahaha.. well i just wanted to say that lol...

ciao now..

-[Pd]-

i really really like this car!!! lol...


well just liked to say that....


um.. i am officially single once again... its not a good thing nor a bad thing that it happened.... it just happened... for a reason of course.

lately i've been... pretty stuck in alot of situations and dont know how to deal with them....

thats all...

-[Pd]-

i want to be straight forward...


i saw duyen today... and i felt and still feel.. a mixture of excitement, anger, frustration, happiness, shame, depressed/sad and nervous.
i feel so confuse i want to cry?
i feel like i miss her so much, so much it hurts. when i saw her i just wanted to grab her, look at her and tell her that i miss her so much and i love her. but i cant. i just cant.
i must admit.. that she is still somewhere.. well more like everywhere in me, my heart, my mind, my body.. i can still feel her and they way she used to touch me.
i dont feel like i want to let go of her but im trying to let go of her?
i have tried and still trying to move on from her and have had been is many relationships since her but they never lasted long or never meant as much to me, and sometimes i compare and not be satisfied so i let them go and dont try to work with it. duyen has such a HUGE impact on me, it seems so surreal.

im also having trouble with my current girlfriend. and its because of me. she is a wonderful girl, but i cant seem to find the comfortable spot to be open up for her to find out things about me, i feel scared sometimes... and hide myself. i dont seem as confident or rebelic as i used to anymore, i seem so fragile these days its bizzare!! and by realising and feeling that way.. its makes me even more hidden. even my close friends dont know much about me or how i feel anymore, im sorry guys..
im becoming half of what i thought i would be, i actually feel like im fading, once again i feel depressed and suicidal.

i say i just want something to love me all the time.. but .. i think what i mean is i want someone that i can be comfortable around and love them and never leave. i just wanted to point that out because i know there are many people ( friends , family) that do care about me and i appreciate that and dont want to put that down, i want someone that basically lift and pull me away from my misery ( ha! who doesnt want that), from mt thoughts and missing duyen. i think thats what is bothering me, that im still stuck on her and i cant move on and always feeling like im going to break if i step back into the outer world.

Thao and Brittney.. please stop fighting... i just explained myself right there above... i cant handle it anymore i love u two too, dont get me wrong. i just need to find .... to find something that will make me stand up straight again... thats all .. just please give me a break, please... stop the fighting and the competitions.
im having enough trouble with my gf..

i feel like im screaming in my head and making it isolate me. i dont know if i want to be left alone to think or want to be around people and not think. maybe abit of both... sometimes.. i feel like im going insane, i havent been around people much these days.... everyone is going their separate ways, "friends" arnt the same anymore, not even family. family is the less i can depend on right now.. because they are giving me the most pain. the pressure that they give, the frustration that they give, the non - appreciation that they give me, the expectations. i just cant handle it.

i've been put back on anti-depressent pills again. bumer. but then it does help me calm down which is a good thing. or else i'd be physically hurting myself right now or by now anyways. *sigh*. trying very hard not to harm myself, trying hard not to show my depressed side of me, the suicidal side of me. i wont let my moods or mood swings ruin anything.

-[Pd]-

im feeling alil uneasy at the moment... everyone around me are in really bad negative vibes... and it sucks BIG TIME!!! i dont really have anyone to talk to at the moment... and its making me depressed and going insane..!!! but then,, what can i do... i try to help and give them space to chill and think but if i give too much space they might go insane like i do!! ..

i was talking to my cousin not too long ago... and she was having some trouble with finding who she is or trying to be and totally confused , lost and hurt, and after a while... she stated that her life is like a dream then she sighed, but then.. her life cant be a dream if it hurts so much and gets her all confussed and lost, that reality, reality does that to u, maybe to teach u a lession, who knows. u just need to step back a step and observe the situation or else u will always be lost and confussed in some way. i reckon people rush too much, but why do they rush? whats the hurry.

there are so many things that i can talk about that ticks me about the way people function and gets themselves in all sorts of unwanted situations, too many to talk about right now but im sure it will turn up. no doubt....

well just wanted to say that much...

-[Pd]-

hey hey , so.. i finished my hsc like a week ago.. and signing out of school.. tried to sign out last week but i was missing some books so they wouldnt sign me out... bummer... alwell.. try again tomorrow...
um... i watched a movie today ... it was the grudge 2 with a couple of my good friends from school.. to me it was boring but other people seemed to like it..and i watched saw 3, with my cousin the recent sunday and that is what i call a good movie!!

oh yea.. lol.. me and my girl cousin picked up the same girl and we didnt know about it until yesterday... and this has been going on for two weeks...LOL... well more like she picked me up and my cousin picked her up lol.. but i have a girlfriend so... it doesnt matter with the competition..LOL...

"I was about 50 percent listening, and the other 50 percent of me was going, 'Did you really just say what I think you said?' And then I think I said: 'Goodbye. I'll talk to you soon,' and got in my car and cried for about three days."

a quote from the L word.


thats what i did the other day when i talked to my gf..

-[Pd]-

update lol

so.. its been a while since i updated about myself ... and im sorry for that...

so.. well... life is always hectic for me... currently doing my hsc... and its going ok, could be better.. but then.. everything could be better!! so no point of hoping.. um... i have no idea what im going to do after high school, i didnt even send in my TAFE applications... now its pass due date... -_-" stupid me..
i miss school.... not the work they give out... but generally school... because it gave me someplace to go and meet/ interact with people, and have friends. and also get me out of my house.

my love life is also in hectic mode. too much to handle. so many mixed emotions towards different people, i am currently with someone that doesnt seem to be official, i feel like i am interested in another and i dreamt that i was with someone else. i just cant decide on who i really really want!!!. complicated isnt it. but thats the way it is..
theres also this girl in yr 8 i think..... that keeps following me around and its making me really uncomfortable, like i see her EVERYWHERE!!! its really freaking me out and she walks around like she wants me to notice her, which makes me think shes strange and weird. i dont know what her intention is but right now shes freaking me out. i also kinda asked around about her so i can know what im dealing with and seems like... everyone that knows of her think shes a freak and such.. so.. err..

um.. i have not been sleeping for a total of exactly 2 weeks!!! turns out im in some sort of stress that overwhelms my system and my brain and not let me function properly, i am now on some sort of medication to relax my system. and the doc told me to get out and hang out... i mean like DUDE... no one to hang with,.. everyone is doing hsc!! everyone's busy and no money to go out. -_-"

um.. what else to talk about....

oh yea... have u heard of "joystick, or Dj joystick"?.... he/she or they have captured my full attention on music.. im so fasination with the sounds they produce, its a electronic/pop/RnB type music. u should listen.

umz... im so hungry

i feel so unhappy!!!

-[Pd]-

I won't mistake you for problems with me,
I won't let my moods ruin this, you'll see,
I won't take everything good and move it away,
Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me?
Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me?
I know you're sad even though you say that you're not,
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not,
I won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard,
I won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard,
I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me,
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past.

this is sara quin.

this is sara quin... I LOVE THIS GIRL!!! she fasinates me so bad!! lol... she fasinates me with her, her music, her look, her personality... and so on.... lol...
but then... any girl that is musicaly taleted fasinates me.... mostly a girl with a guitar or a good voice!!!
but some how... sara is different? lol...










-[Pd]-

does she know?

does she know, can she feel
there something outside of the blue
like the sun shining bright
she surrounds me with warmth and rapture

does she know, whats begun
the moment she came into view
in my heart i just knew
i knew that she was the one

cause when i'm in the dark, can she see me
and when i'm all alone, can she reach me
listen to the way my love, each beat is so revealing
each sound that my heart makes
when she's around me
cant tell you how i feel, racing inside
causing me to loose my mind
oh does she know the sound of my heart

does she know, in my heart
that deep down inside i've fallen
does she feel what i do
oh can she feel this way too.

-[Pd]-

i had a dream........ that she and i got back together.... it felt good... yet really awrkward and uncomfortable. it was about a 10 min dream....

dreams,... what are they for.... is it a purpose of hope?
how does it exist.. what part of the mind holds the dreams... where do they come from.... does something happen to make u dream? or does it happen on its own.

im so confussed... im so lost...

-[Pd]-

would u
sleep with her and her best friend?
or
with her and her sister....


ROFL.....

-[Pd]-

For the last couple of weeks, my emotions has been on a fast lane, not knowing what is going on or how to feel, so many things are happening to fast and suddenly i cant even sit back and see whats happening. im spinning out...

im always lost but i think im finally weak.


maybe im going through karma...

-[Pd]-

ok... now this is my desktop character.... and i just noticed.... does she look like anyone in particular? want a hint?..... "D".... i had this character for a pretty long while now and i just noticed...!!! grrr........ arnt i over her yet?..... or dont i want to..


-[Pd]-

since the first time i saw you
i was thinking of you
oh how i dreamt so much
of your gentle touch
my heart told me no lies
when i look into your eyes
oh how i cant resist
thinking of your sweet kiss
every momment spent with you
is like a dream come true
girl just say you'll be mine
and evrything will be fine
your my one and only
truely the only one for me
even though we fell apart
you will always remain in my heart
only memories of you
exist now in my mind
girl if you only knew
the things i went through
to get to you
then you would know my love was true
now when i'm alone i think of you
thinking of all the memories we had together
that i'll treasure forever
time after time
i still find you on my mind
not a day goes by
without me thinking of that last kiss and good-bye
now all i have is this unforgetable love.

-[Pd-

my perfect moment

i was just sitting there..... kinda staring into space and a friend came up to me and said to me... "where are you, i mean like in your head, where are you.. you look so peaceful for once.." at that point i was baffled ........
BUT THEN i thought about it .. and i guess i was pretty comfortable and peaceful.. for once i knew what i wanted... it feels so good.

sitting in my beautiful modern home on the couch with my wife, holding her with one arm, and a cup of coffee in my other hand... facing outside through a glass wall into a beautiful jap garden(or something like that) and no other sound but the rain from outside...
or maybe staring at a fire place... as it rains..

yea.. thats where i want to be. thats what i want. thats all i want.

-[Pd]-

i dont know why i bother sometimes... i dont know what is the point or what im trying to do or trying to change. but i want something that why i constantly continuely doing whatever it is im doing.. but then again.... why cant i just drop dead, i hate it yet i keep doing it.... its the same with everything i do.

-[Pd]-

hey hey.. sry buh dis iznt dearest Pd speakin.... dis iz Lilly
Pd had a few lap dancerz for each past couple of nyts.... n us gals organised it... jst to get her mind of fings. n dat stoopid grl she keeps finkin of.

im writin dis bcoz she is too shy to tok abt it!! lol.. buh i fink its adorable!!

also i want to ask for ur help!! plz do as much as u can to help her, get better? lyk.. make a parrrty, hire a stripper.... or hang out with her.. n make her forget dat grl dat is makin her so miserable n ada fings... so yer...
fanx pplz!! *muah*

LUV LILLY ^_^

a fool

i have been stood up once again... by a girl i really like. this is the second time, i feel so hurt from this i dont know if i can do it again, but as i am me i'd probably foolishly will do it again, wait ..... and wait... and wait until i get really frustrated...... then shit myself for waiting for her.

kristine..

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best... when you say nothing at all.
All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Oh they could never define
What's bein said between your heart and mine.
The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me...
You say it best when you say nothing at all.

from kristine..


-[Pd]-

glass wall

i stared at her through a glass wall, with all emotions and thoughts running through my head to what to do or why, she noticed me and stared back as though we were talking without actually speaking. i felt as though i wanted to reach out to her but we were divided, she is who i want, do i break through the glass wall? i sit there and said to myself, "it doesnt look that thick, i can might break it, or totally embrasses myself when i hit it and it doesnt break".. i sat there watching her , observing her, she did not hesitate to show me how she was feeling, her body posture and language was so strong i can feel her seducing my whole attention just to her, as that is true and happening i felt myself blocking all my obstacles around me, it was just me and her, she gave a slight smile and we finally engaged our eyes and i felt like i knew her, i knew her from somewhere else before. i closed my eyes to think, when i opened, she was gone.
my mind was stuck in a melee as i continuely stared at the now empty seat, where did she go? is she comeing back? and who is she.
as i calmed down i realised that i do know her, she was the girl that broke my heart many times before.

does this show that i constantly fall for the obsessed figure of who i once loved?


-[Pd]-

should i? or shouldnt i..

i feel like im going to explode and kill someone.... or even myself.
(gee thats no big supprise!!)

can someone please tell me WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? or... what happened to make me feel so.. depressed, frustrated and full of rage?
i cant remember the last time i was truely happy.... without anything going wrong. at all... i seriously cant remember.

-[Pd]-

does it hurt because i care?

what am i thinking??!! how could i have done that to someone!!

i did something bad..


WHAT??!! what am i talking about.......

do u know?

my mind.... is going through the point where im too disturbingly, twistedly, ragingly pissed off that i cant think anymore. i cant think. i cant function properly. i cant focus on anything.... nothing at all. not even this. my mind is just racing to only crash to the giant brick wall, repeatedly. why am i feeling such feelings... where is this comeing from??!! I WANT TO FUCKEN KNOW!! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS PISSING ME OFF SO BADLY!!! what is going on in my head.... i am baffled and i am in rage. i am ticking to explode not unless i am already...

i cut myself today... why didnt hurt..? it didnt hurt!! if i could remember... its suppose to hurt!! but y didnt it. maybe i should've cut it deeper...

-[Pd]-

Another lie to live.

Everyday, when I wake up, I face my reality, then as the day goes through I try to illusion myself with things surrounding me, I try to create a certain something to cope me through the day. I don’t talk to anyone because I isolate myself, mostly to avoid my disturbing reality. As the day goes by, the night hits, and I know its time to restart in the morning, as I lay there alone, I think of all the lies I have said today and how my day could be better if I had done this or that, or how my day could be worse than it already has been. I think and wonder to myself, why am I still doing here? Why am I here for there is nothing to do, I am useless in this world, but why am I still here. I feel as though I’m in a loop, a routine. Whatever that is going on in my head, it drives me insane, I am blood thirsty, I am full of rage, from what you ask? I don’t know. Am I causing myself to feel this way? Or is there a mole that plans everything for me to make sure I get miserable. I don’t feel confident anymore, like I was once. I feel people are after me, always wanting, expecting something from me that I don’t have. Maybe I do, but, always wanting or expecting something. The new people I meet, they never JUST want to know me, and they want more, more of what?! I am who I am, I can’t be who I’m not, I can’t give what I don’t have, and most of all I don’t want to be used.
I think that I choose not to be happy, because I break easily. I would rather be on the bottom of the cliff the first time around than falling again the second time around. I choose to not trust every single person I meet or know. Am I playing my life too safely? who knows. i sure dont.

-[Pd]-

outrageous blowout

watching the news tonight... it angers me.
whats going on the world today...?
what is the point of it all..?
why bother?
does it matter in the end? is it worth it?

war, politics, society, crime.

also angers me that how much society can be so.... typically stereotyped and bias!!
like for example.. the terrorist issue going around the world.. why are they only targeting muslims??.... anyone can easy terrorise anything.. and u cant just assume ALL muslims are terrorists. really. u cant. i just heard on the news... some guy said that everyone should carry around with them.. and ID card WITH their RELIGION on them... HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!!! what if u dont have a religion.. so does that MATTER??!!
i dont personally believe in a religion... i respect others religion.. but i dont follow or believe in one. does that matter?... and.. if i had that so called "ID card" and under religion.. blank.. does that mean i could be a harmful threat? and be captured by the "government" for no paticular reason? ..ohh.. but if that does happen... i guess i can always sue for compensation... ..believe me... i can.

oh yea... have u noticed that divorce is rated pretty high?.... im just wondering if... its a trend.
like.. fashion... a style... IS divorce a tread??!! or IS the legal system being more accessable for divorce. or. are people just being stupidly greedy... always wanting something new.. something else... something THEY CANT HAVE!!... or too stuburn to sit down and work things out...
marriage... and divorce... simple for some, complicated for others.

the world is a bitter place, it has always been. it is where the rich wins and the poor is discriminated. biasly true. everything in the world is FUCKED UP, which also raise fucked up issues to which influence society.... but society caused it.

society angers me.

-[Pd]-

yay...... finally finished my hsc trials!!!!

umz... lalalalalalalalalalalalalala?

go on and close the curtains,
'cause all we need is candlelight.
You and me and the bottle of wine,
gonna hold you tonight, oh yeah.
Well, we know I'm going away
And how I wish, I wish it weren't so
so take this wine and drink with me
let's delay our misery...
Save tonight
Fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow I'll be gone
There's a log on the fire
and it burns like me for you
Tomorrow comes with one desire..
to take me away, it's true
It ain't easy to say goodbye,
darling please don't start to cry.
'Cause girl you know I've got to go, oh
and I wish it wasn't so
Tomorrow comes to take me away
I wish that I, that I could stay
but girl you know I've got to go, oh
and I wish it wasn't so

i would like to correct myself about jeffrey weise in my last post. he isnt about 13 or 14... he was about 16 (1988.08.08). and it happened last year. 2005 march 21. he killed is grandfather and his lover before going to school shooting others. he used a 9mm glock and a pump-action shotgun. as he shot each individual... he smiled and waved.. and he asked one girl if she believed in god then shot her. There were a total of 7 fatalities and 14 injuries in the school. and after being shot in the leg and the hip.. he was cornered in a classroom and he inflicted the shotgun and blasted his own head. Another student believed to be involved in planning the event was arrested one week after the shootings, and there is some expectation of further arrests.

i read his last entries on his blog journal and.. i meant alot to me? even though he didnt say much... he just talked about how he feels.. its pressured and negative.
like on
december 14th 2004 01:18pm he wrote:
Out with the old, and in with the new.

As I sit here typing up my musings I listen to Cheech & Chong Up in Smoke, the movie. Occasionally shifting my eyes from screen to screen, trying to balance out typing and observing.This is my new journal, in which I will put my thoughts down to words. My view on the days past events and whatnot, my two cents on the world in general. This is my new introductory post - all the spelling and grammatical errors area ll by-products of the new Me.Blah.That sounds so egotistical. Whilst you're here, you might as well check out the message board for the band I'm in: http://6sik6.proboards25.com/Ciao.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Johnny Cash - When The Man Comes Around

January 4th 2005 06:39pm
The instrument of my resurrection was supposed to be freedom. But there isn’t an open sky or endless field to be found where I reside, nor is there light or salvation to be discovered.Right about now I feel as low as I ever have.I don’t think it’s a big secret why, really.My biggest disappointment and downfall came from what was supposed to be the one thing to lift me from the grave I’m continually digging for myself. Nah, never. Only the worthy are saved, y’know.I don’t know, but what I do know is I’m a retarded fuck for ever believing things would change for me. I’m starting to regret sticking around, I should’ve taken the razor blade express last time around… Well, whatever, man. Maybe they’ve got another shuttle comin’ around sometime soon?Ciao.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Strawberry Fields Forever - John Lennon

and his last post

January 27th 2005 09:37am

So fucking naive man, so fucking naive.
Always expecting change when I know nothing ever changes.I've seen mothers choose their man over their own flesh and blood, I've seen others choose alocohol over friendship.I sacrifice no more for others, part of me has fucking died and I hate this shit.I'm living every mans nightmare and that single fact alone is kicking my ass, I really must be fucking worthless. This place never changes, it never will. Fuck it all.

so there u go... i dont know how u would feel about all that but i feel as though im going though the same thoughts.

bad bad me

lately.. i've been having alot of dark thoughts and it is driving me crazy because i cant act on it. i would love to act it out... this is yet the most extreme thing i have ever came up with that i think i can actually do. and i dont want to say what it is or who i want to do it too... coz then this would be a confession... that would be... well.. bad for me if i intend to do it.

on that point.. i remembered a case about this boy that admires hitler... and he basically went to his school.. and had a shooting rage.. but he only killed the people he thought deserved so. and he had talked about it.. planned it.. and post things about it on the internet and everything!! and u know how old he was? well i dont know how old he is or was but he was a high schooler and he about about a yr 8 or so... so that about.. 13?14?... and he calls himself "the angel of death" and also "native- nazi". the thing is.. he looks really reall innocent... but yet he is a teenage mass murderer.. his life and how he feels is really interesting to me and so if ur intereded about this then.. u can look him up.. his name is.. Jeffert Weise or u can look on the newspaper, the daily telegraph, thursday, march 24,2005 pg 17. or just search him on www.dailytelegraph.com.au .

all these killing cases... i feel that there are always a deep message or a point... because it cant just happen out of nowhere and such... i mean... i know that for a fact because i feel that way too...

there is always a reason or things to happen... always.

-[Pd]-

I see an endless road
I feel the restless wind
I've lost the fear inside
Cause I've got no choice
But to live or die
it's a strange place to be
I'm gonna break these chains
Unleash the changes in me
In an empty room
With a suitcase on the floor
It'll be daylight soon
I'm gonna wage my private war
Who's watchin' over me
Must be a guardian angel
I just need time to breathe
And give my life
The best of me
Suddenly you're in this fight alone
Steppin' out into the great unknown
And the night's the hardest time
When the doubts run through your mind
Cause suddenly you find yourself alone
Suddenly you'll find yourself.

melisa

This is my dear Melisa.... THE vampire that is responsible for all the bruising and bite marks and scatches on my neck and such!! LOL... isnt she hot?... lol

-[Pd]-

I have been blind
Unwilling
To see the true love
You're giving
I have ignored every blessing
I'm on my knees Confessing...
That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can't hide it
Now hear my confession
I have been wrong about you
I thought I was strong without you
For so long Nothing could move me
For so long Nothing could change me
Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am captured by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can't hide it
Now hear my confession
You are the air that I breathe
You're the ground beneath my feet
When did I stop believing

Dance till the sunrise
Sleep to the sound of Rain
Laugh till it hurts
Yet again laugh till your about to cry
Turn up the volume
Drink till the glass is empty
Step to the beat and become the music
Cry till you can't cry no more
Share with people
Then call them your friends
Be your self
Then starting speaking
Criticise with a Compliment
Put rubbish in the bin, empty the garbage once a week.
Fall asleep reading
Turn out the light
Put a smile on your dial
Fall asleep comforatble
Push till it burnsYell, and push some more
Friends will come and go, never close the doors
Don't feel guilty being honest

......MR HOT!!!......

oh my god... this guy is a friend of mine i havent seen in AGES!!!(exaggeration!! its more like around 3 years lol) hahah his name is Chris...and he is 24 years old. he is a teacher now!!! lol... he teaches science and at a high school... i cant say which.. but its in sydney.. lol..
oh my god.. he is like so FRIGGEN HOT!! hahahaha.. but im not into guys.. bummer!! lol... BUT he is a pretty good guy... and i want to show u how HOT he is!! lol.. so... yea.. lol Chris .. i hope ur enjoying this!! haha...

-[Pd]-

other results of multi tests..

you're a Guardian Angel!

Chances are you've kicked around the idea of settling down on some shady lane with your honey and maybe even thought about having a kid or a couple of pets. Even if you've never cooked a pot roast or picked out fabric for curtains, we'll bet you've got solid nurturing instincts nestled within. That's why, when it comes to your partner, you're the Mother Teresa of romantic relationships. Doing little things like planning cool vacations and jotting a quick love note, tells your partner daily how much you care. This A+ quality not only makes you a compassionate lover, but also a trusted friend.Here's the rub: You're ready to give and give, but sometimes you might get resentful when your significant other doesn't return the favor. It can be difficult for you to let people fend for themselves, but try to focus on maintaining balance. Be sure to look out for number one, and try to indulge yourself as often as you indulge those you care about

------------------------

you should renew your relationship with a little Laughter

Smile! They say laughter is the best medicine, and it could be just what you and your sweetie need to rekindle your fun-filled romance. There's nothing like some good old-fashioned fun to take you back to those special times when you and your sweetheart first met.All you two jokesters need to get the party started is a little private time. Spend an evening laughing it up at a comedy club, hit an amusement park, or head to a carnival and bring out your inner child. Once you've brought back the laughter, the good times are sure to keep rolling!

-----------------------

you're a Subtle!

Were you just winking at us? We couldn't quite tell... In fact, we think it's pretty safe to say that you're a Subtle Flirt — you're a master of the flirting game. You know how to attract attention from anyone, any time. A quick smile, a little game of look-away-and-look-back-again — before long you have the object of your affection wrapped around your little finger. One of the best things about your approach is that it's discreet. You can always act innocent if something gets taken out of context or misunderstood. Just make sure you're not too subtle, or you may end up playing the game all by yourself.

-------------------------

you're an Upbeat Optimist

When it comes to love, your glass is half full no matter how many bad dates — or very bad dates — you've had to endure along the way. That's because you are one of Cupid's greatest allies, the eternal optimist with high hopes and big dreams. And why shouldn't you? Tons of people out there get their storybook ending. And who's to say you won't be one of them?A romantic to the core, you're game for the game of love, and nothing is more attractive than an optimistic player. In fact, we'd guess your positive attitude is what eventually delivers "the one" to your doorstep. That's amore!

-------------------------

you're Calm, Cool, and Collected

Do your friends like to lean on your shoulder? Ask you for advice in life and love? Put you on speed-dial for emergencies? We bet they do. You're as balanced as they come. When it comes to making decisions, you're not afraid to take the time to weigh your options carefully in order to make the right choice. And it takes more than a few obstacles to rattle your cool head.The good news is that you've also got lots of heart, and you make sure that people know that you always have their backs. There's almost nothing more important to you than the people in your life, so being a support to them is the coolest thing around. Just like you.

--------------------------

your Vegas poker style revolves around soaking up the atmosphere!

If you made it to Vegas, we can see you dressed to the nines, sauntering down the strip, taking in the ambiance of the dazzling lights. So who needs to bet? Well, it would be silly not to, but you seem to be able to get the most out of life anyway.If you're playing poker with some friends, you probably enjoy the friendship tinged with a competitive edge just as much as seeking that all important big win. The good news is that fortune always seems to smile on those people who are just in it for the fun. Perhaps your relaxed nature helps iron out your poker face, or you may be adept at bluffing with a few stifled sighs or grins. Whatever the result, we know you won't be a bad loser. There's always next time!

-------------------------

your style says you're Hip and Urban

Always on the cutting edge of just about everything you do, you're not afraid to experiment with fashion and show off your exciting personality. Whether you're headed to class, an after-school activity, or a friend's party, you don't mind taking the time to put your best foot forward and hopefully, have the most happening outfit around.Influenced by big city life, your look can be uptown one minute, downtown the next. It's just a matter of how you feel and what vibe you're ready to rock that day. Sound stylish and cool? Believe us, it is.

-------------------------
your vibe is Tickled Pink

You've got a sweet side that likes nothing better than to be tickled pink. That's why your charming vibe always rubs people just the right way. An affectionate soul like you is always thinking of others, and you find joy in being a generous and engaging part of your community. After all, you know it's much more rewarding to give than receive.This doesn't mean that you won't stand up for yourself when necessary. But you think things through before acting, and you tread lightly when you can. And there's no better way to make a bigger or more lasting impression on people than by leaving them tickled pink too.

------------------------

you're an Evil Middle High!

Well, you're kinda evil. They haven't reserved a place for you in Hell yet, but the leasing agents are starting their calls. (Sorry, no air conditioning.) We're guessing you find others' pain funny, your backstabbing knife is probably pretty sharp, and your sexual wiles have likely brought you enjoyment at the expense of your bunkmates a time or two. If more than one of those three things rings true, consider yourself a card-carrying evil person. If you're interested in recanting the evil thing, sensitivity counseling isn't a bad idea. Or else find a more sadistic career, like a bouncer or a metermaid. But hey, to each his own, and if your evilness fits, wear it. Keep reading for more evil details!

We're all slaves to our urges — some just more than others. Sure, you probably shake it a little to get your way, but you don't beat yourself up over it (unless you're into that, of course). For your own sake, realize that getting hurt sexually generally stings more than being burnt with your clothes on. So even if your pillow pal has a mean set of love handles, keep it to yourself. Just listen to that little voice in your head (no, not that one), and the evil sex thing will stop.

Yes, you're always smiling, but you hold grudges for years, repress your anger, and then blow up in conniving ways — you've got "postal worker" written all over you. If you want to stop the migraines, look into anger-management classes at the local Y. Passive-aggressive people are often very sympathetic, which is why they hide their anger. So take solace in knowing you're still coming off as kind-hearted, you sneaky, two-faced back-stabber.

We're not going to say you're a bad person, but you're toeing the line. A little advice: Try to think about how your victim will feel before you pull your next dirty prank (we don't care how funny it is when you take out a classifed ad and sell someone's car for them). You may think cruelty is funny, but your friends don't — especially the ones who've been burned by your verging-on-evil ways. Listen to your conscience a little more, okay?

lol.... thats funny...^_^ im evil..

---------------------

yes... so u can see that im pretty bored.... even though i should be studying right now.. lol..but alwells..

umz.. life has been pretty hectic lately... and also boring at the same time..
Thao had a miscarraige.. and its been really depressing for her, her family and me.

um.. school is pretty stressing too... but its ok i guess.

oh yes.. and everyone keep asking about my neck!!! lol.... i was bitten by vampire girls.. lol.. i didnt cut myself!! .... so yea... thats it... lol i dunno i might post more test results if i do more... later........

so...

-[Pd]-

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
No, nothing else matters

Zodiac match test LOL

i'd just thought i'd amuse myself since im bored.. so i took this zodiac match test one of my friends sent me.. lol... and my result is funny... so i'd thought i post it up.... and i think its funny because... i think it means.. i love myself lol... like.. my perfect match is who i am lol... im a capricorn and my perfect zodiac match is also capricorn LOl.... so here it is..

Capricorn, the Goat (December 22 to January 20): This ambitious and practical partner is just your type. Initially, a Capricorn may catch your eye because of their self-confident ways and down-to-earth personality. But as you get to know them better, you're likely to be even more drawn to your Capricorn's grand aspirations and the persistent dedication they show to things they believe in. People born under this sign are often excellent with money and can be natural managers. Be aware, though, that Capricorns' task-oriented natures can make them a bit short with others from time to time. However, for the most part they are diplomatic and tactful when communicating their perspectives about your relationship. In the bedroom, you'll likely find the Goat is both flirtatious and lusty; most Capricorns have a hardy sex drive. Overall, Capricorns are focused, driven people who are willing to work steadily toward their life's goals.

so... if you want to take the test too lol... then... http://web.tickle.com/tests/zodiac/ is where to go.. lol have fun..

-[Pd]-

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost this can't be real
Can't stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now she's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye.

randomness

um... i just want to talk alil bit about..... nothing.. just random things... bcoz my head is filled with all sorts of things and i cant talk to anyone about it... like i said... not anyone can always be there... so now im facing that fact. on my own.. once again.... but no matter... im kinda used to be alone.. although i dont like..... its the way the flow is flowing? lol.. besides.. other people have problems too.. not only me. so.... .....space..... is ... also..important...

so.. i have finally finished watching the L word season 1,2,3.... ad waiting for season 4 and i hope for more and more and more and more and more more and then more than more lol...and ohmygod... so much more!!! because I LOVE IT HAHAHAHAHAahahah....... ha... also.. it stresses me out most of the times when i watch it.. because it has such a deep meaning.. i still love it...^_^.
well i think thats why i love it..

going back to school soon.... in tuesday actually.... i kinda miss school but i dont. i miss it socially and hate the work... obviously.... i think everyone is like that.
i havent finish any of my holiday assesments and homework yet,.... ARGH lol.... not like i care anyways lol... any one who knows me sure knows that fact lol.!

any who.... i joined something called "Habbo" the other day.... lol.. its a virtual world thing where u can find people socially and chat.... it runs in the 'habbo hotel' and u have to buy credits to have a room and u can furniture it and such.. its an ok place.. but the thing i hate about it is... theres only rarly older kids like.. over 15 in there.... they are all young friggen kids like.. 13 or 14.... ALOT OF THEM... then they trick you to get ur money 'credits'!!! OMG that pisses me off.... they pretend to pick u up then be ur partner so they can take ur money.. then when u ran out.. they simply dump u..... -_-" bad bad thing.. i sure hope they dont do that in the real world!! -_-... if u want to try it.. its www.Habbo.com.au for australian one... theres an american one too i believe... and i guess its just www.habbo.com .


so.. thats it... lol... i think.. i dont know.. i might come back later..
take care...
-[Pd]-

its sick but who could ever predict
we'd be doin the same shit
we say we do it for our baby, but we dont
we do it for us, its lust
cuz neither one of us trusts each other
so we fuck till we bust
and then we cuss each other, out,
we know what its about
and shout till i throw you out the house,
you throw me out the house,
i throw you on the couch,
punch you in the mouth fist fight till we turn this mother out
and apologize after, laughter, pain
its insane, were back in the same chapter again,
and its sad but its true, when im layin here wit'chu
there aint nothin anyone could ever say or ever do cuz

the more you put me through
the more it makes me wanna come back to you
you say you hate me, i just love you more
you dont want me, i just want you more

i buy you flowers
you throw them at me
i know its sad but its making me happy
the more that you slap me,
the more that it turns me on
cuz you love me and i love you more

cuz i hate you, do you hate me?
good cuz you're so fuckin beautiful when you're angry
it makes me, wanna just take you
and just throw you on the bed
and fuck you like i dont even know you
you fuck other people and i fuck other people
you're a slut but im equal, ima mut
we're both evil in our ways
but neither one of us would ever admit it
cuz one of us would have one up on the other, so forget it
people make, accusations, people spread rumors,
but they aint got proof
till they do, its just the two of us, its you and me
cuz any chick can say that shes screwin me
but you gotta believe me to a degree cuz you're in deep
if you didnt i wouldn't be hitting
yeah i would cuz the sex is just too damn good
if i ran, who would i run to?
who would be this soft and warm
so its off and on, usually more off than on
but at least we know,
that we share this common bond
you're the only one i could fuck without a condom on
i hope, the only reason that i cope
is cuz of that fact and plus i can bust in that
and thats why

i can never understand it,
thats why i dont try
from junior high, until we both die
its silly oh why, must we try?
is it really so rough?
did we must and always call
each others billy-goat's gruff?
try to pull each others legs, until the other begs,
were lying to ourselves
thats the beauty of it, yeah
cuz we truely love each other
thats why we always fight,
and all we do is shove each other
every other fuckin night and its clear, it aint gonna change
this pin up rage, we both have,
and we both feel like we've been upstaged
by someone else, we've both been someone else
with someone else
the problem is, neither one wont tell
its an addiction, and it cant be fixed
our familys mixed up
theres baby sister in the mix
and it hurts, cuz the pieces to the puzzle dont fit
and anybody who thinks knows us doesn't know shit
and they're probably just tired of hearing it all the time,
on every song, every lyric and every rhyme,
all the hoop-lah, all of the whoopty woo,
what you put me through, fuckin whoopty-doo
but i wont be made a fool of,
if this is true love, you wouldnt do what you did last time,
you wouldnt screw up this time,
cuz this time, girl im telling you what,
you do it again im fucking you up,
no matter what

what you say, what you do,
ima hunt you down till i find you
no matter where you run
ill be right there, right behind you
and in your nightmares i surround you.

-[Pd]-

yesterday i went to the optometrist and the poor optometrist got robed!!! OH MY FUCKEN GOD!!! the dude.. stole several glasses and took some money... and... lol.. i was fine until like hours later when i was actually waiting for my mum to go home i actually felt the impact of it.. gee talk about slow reaction!! lol...
but the thing is.. i was just sitting there and didnt realise it was a robery.. i wasnt thinking... but i guess i did do something right... i triped him.... LOL.....






------------------------------


um.. i've been thinking alot about certain people lately.... and.. i think im actually getting myself confussed ... i just think wrong sometimes... i assume things... i conclude things.... and its wrong... and right now.. i hope i am thinking the wrong things.

i am in such a mess right now... and i am seriously trying to cope... alot, i just feel like i just lost my life. but if thats the case, then i'd rather have killed myself.. then been 'written' of my life. some of u know what i mean... for the rest.. dont worry about it..

--------------------------

im feeling abit sick now.. so im gonna go.....

-[Pd]-

What a skeletal wreck of man this is

Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villians
Try to tempt the holistic tomes

Running rampant with free thought to free form
In the free and clear
Where the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat
To sift and focus on the bigger, better, now

We all have a little sin than needs venting
Virtues for the rending
And laws and systems
And stems are ripped from the branches of office
Do you know what your post entails?

Do you serve a purpose?
Or purposely serve?

Lying down inside of your adavistic galore
The value of a Summer spent
And a Winter earned

For the rest of us there is always Sunday.
The day of the week that reeks of rest
But all we do is catch out breaths
So we can wade naked into the bloody pool
And place our hand on the big black book

To watch the knives zig-zag between our aching fingers.

A vacation is a count-down
T-minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar-cube
And hope you get a taste

What the FUCK is all this for?!
(What the hell is goin' on?!)
SHUT UP!!

I could go on and on, but, lets move on shall we?

Say, you're me and I'm you
And they all watch the things we do
And like a smack of spite
They threw me down the stairs
Haven't felt like this in years
The great magnet of malicious magnanamous refuse
Let me go and
Plunge me into the dead spot again.

Thats where you go when theres' no one else around
It's just you
And there was never anyone to begin with now was there?

Sanctomonious pretentious dasterdly bastards
With their thumb on the pulse
And a finger on the trigger

CLASSIFIED MY ASS! that's a FUCKING secret and you know it!

Government is another way to say
Better
Than
You.

It's like ice but no pick
A murder charge that won't stick
It's like a whole other world
Where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware

Hah, what luck
Fascism you can vote for
Isn't that sweet

And we're all gonna die some day
Because thats the way
And I've drunk too much
And said too little
When your gaffer taped in the middle Say a prayer, save face
Get yourself together and (see whats happening)
SHUT UP!
FUCK YOU!

I'm sorry, I could go on and on but
It's time to move on, so

Remember your a wreck, an accident
Forget the freak, your just nature

Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme
Let the heads cool and the engine run

Because in the end,
Everything we do
Is just everything we've done.

-[Pd]-

um... why are things so shitty these days? and everyone is feeling it.. basically why are people feeling so... upset.. so... bad.. and such.. and happiness only last for a tiny while..?

um.. i feel like.. i cant be around.. big crowded people right now.. to me it feels so stressing.. i can be alone, by myself and talk or think to myself or i can only handle one person at a time.. i feel more freely like that.

yesterday... i felt pretty good actually.. then as time goes by... it my mood turned out pretty bad and basically wanted to kill myself..

as i was walking today.. to have alil time to myself.. i realised how much i've changed and how bittered i've became.. and it just sucks..
i also realised that my life is so shitty because im a coward to face the world.. and because of that i always choose the most plain and boring and simplest paths to something.. and the outcome of my decissions are.. i get myself complications that frustrates me and i shit myself for why i did choose to be like this...
And i also complicate things more by thinking too much , and sometimes its simple things but i tend to complicate it more, then i stress and become suicidal.

truth be told i feel really depressed and suicidal right now. i dont want to be like this and im tryig really hard to steer away from being so. and this brings me to another point is... just... some people just dont realise or appreciate how lucky they are of being happy!! fucken rich snobby people!!! that get what they want and when they want!! and dont work as hard as us, the unfortunate to just live for another day. some people just dont deserve certain things...
even right now.. i still should be pretty happy that i have what i have right now.. there is always someone that is worse than me.. for example.. war countries.. , africa,,, where they are hungry and sick.. and there are less help. seriously u should really be proud of what u have. like i know for a fact that you are reading this means you HAVE and computer... and to me that seems pretty rich compared to those other people. and also... i am writing this. is i want u to help organisations that is trying to help those unfortunates.. they are also humans just like you and i. u are just emotionaly distressed... they are all emotional , physically and health wised distressed. please help.

um... i dont really know.. what happened just then.. but..yea..

i feel rage... i feel that i failed...

-[Pd]-

profounded day

i spent the day with a close friend , kate, today and i think i've learnt something from it. like.. what i can appreciate, what i do appreciate and what i dont appreciate.
i also found out a little bit about myself that i dont know or havent realised before, and she has made me realise it and brought it to my understanding.. and also she made me realise alot of why i feel so...lonely and close to the reason why i constantly distract and disturb myself over.. little things.. big things.. well basically everything, so if i could just put today in one word.. it will definatly be 'profound'.
and also i want to say thank you kate, you really helped me cope alil.. and yea.. thanks babe... i owe u.. ^_^.


um... so.. im feeling alot of emotions right now.. and um.. yea... i just.. feel.. alittle bit lighter on thoughts i guess..but still hazy over some things.

so yea.. feeling confussed now....

-[Pd]-

today

today.... i had an pretty good day.... so far.. and i say so far because when something good happens theres will always be a bad thing preparing to jump in ya face lol...
BUT im feeling pretty good at this very moment.

and all i did was went out with my nephew Jeremy and met up with Helen for coffee.........

um... but then i still need to deal with stupid promotioners!! ARGH they piss me off....... but right now im feeling calm so im not going to go there.

um.... i maybe should give up my career path for now to focus on my studies so i can fall back on and my friends... i know that some of my friends need me around right now because shitty things have been happening.. and yea.. maybe i should put a hold on my career.. but then.. if i want to get anywhere with this job then i really need this promotion with all these stupid people.. and promotion doesnt come cheap and around lots.. and if i miss this promotion... then i think i need to start all over again, with a new style.. *aiya* business world is so frustrating and hard.

i am trying to organise myself.. and postponding my promotion... but i really dont want to miss out on it.... grrr... but i need to study right now... even i know that.. lol... obviously. plus i got my whole life to promote myself.... -_-"

but then.. all i want is to be there for my friends right now... and try to gather myself together... lately i'v been a mess!!.... *sigh* and after i saw duyen the other day... i've been in a bigger mess!!...

umz.... yea..... i dunno what to do.... but i just want to enjoy this moment as its is..... lasting..... so.. i hope at least for the rest of the night.. nothing pisses me off...

-[Pd]-

frustrated

it is so hard to deal with people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i try so hard to cope. but i cant do it. not anymore. i just get fucken crazy!!
why is it so hard for people to understand simple things?!!
i have to deal with fucken rich snobby basturd all week and the fucken following week... just to have a career!! i hate dealing with people. i cant do it anymore. im so fucken pissed off.

why cant i just have a fucken normal life.. is it so hard? but then again.. what is normal?!!

ARGH!!! im so fucken frustrated!!

-[Pd]-

what does it mean..??!!!

why is it... that every single time.. that i feel i have found someone that i actally like and want to be with..... that is not Duyen. i see Duyen? then i just completely.. loose it. i loose my mind.

i went for a walk a few hours ago and just got back.. on my way for the walk.. i saw duyen.. it was a one on one pasing. at that point till now and still continuing,, there are so many emotions and i can feel that i am hating myself and going crazy.
when things have ended.. its over... over means its over. but why do i still keep a part of things inside of me?!
i hate myself for still loving and missing and thinking of her.. but then again for some reason.. i dont.

about 4 hours ago.. i thought i had everything sorted out.. my life... my love life.. my career life.. etc... everything.. but everything changed when i saw her. around 2 hours ago.

i feel completely bad..... non confident... full of emotion as well as full of nothing.

is this a sign that im not ready to move on? or am i refusing to move on...
or is this a symbolic thing that reminds me of all the horrible things i have done and hurting is my punishment?

i dont know whats going on anymore.. i forget who i am and what my aim in life..
i even who my friends are at times, and what or how much they mean to me. or most of the time i cant find a friend ... not even to talk to... everyone says they are there for me.. but i really dont see it. and by that i do get annoyed. its just.. u think that making a promise helps.. WELL it doesnt if u dont keep it!! and when i do need someone.. and no one is avaliable .. and i do understand sometimes they are actually busy.. but i do feel betrayed. i do feel betrayed most of the time.
i dont want to hold back on how pissed off i feel about people anymore.. i am not nice anymore. i am furious. everything single thing is just a pain in the ass!! i tired to cope.. i tried not to be furious... but i cant cope anymore.
i cant get what i want. and shit happens.

i dont know where im going....

-[Pd]-

um...hey hey?

hey peoplessssssssssssss how are u all been?

i am ... ok i guess.. alot of things have been happening lately.. hectic...
umz.. wells... first of all... THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!! WOOHOO!!then.. planning on working... then hang out with friends.. to catch up and all that.. umz... try to study for the trials and prepare or the HSC....

THEN!! find a day where i can hang out with NICKY !!! YAY... get to finally meet her... and i really hope it goes well... because so far, i really like her... ^_^
ok.. abit about her... she is Nicky, age 23, works in a youth thingy centre also goes to take for social science, 3 nationality combined new zealand/italian/spanish and she absolutly love viet culture.. lol... ok thats all.

um.. so that my holiday plan so far... hows ur plan gonna be..? lol.. u can post back if u want... ^_^.. open convo........


my mood right now is... pretty exciting but still pretty um.. dull....
still frustrated and anger problems but yea...

well peace ya'll

-[Pd]-

If you tell me that isnt hot.. i will kick u in the head^_^

studio

i'd just thought i'd post up a pic of the studio i've been working in.. lol... seeming though i like it so much and its a beautiful, wonderful , interesting place... oh.. and that guy is my work mate Matt.....


-[Pd]-

the church of satan

i believe that i am Satanist. and to those who dont know or keep asking me about it.. this is what it is..



this this the symbol"You cannot love everyone; it is ridiculous to think you can. If you love everyone and everything you lose your natural powers of selection and wind up being a pretty poor judge of character and quality. If anything is used too freely it loses its true meaning. Therefore, the Satanist believes you should love strongly and completely those who deserve your love, but never turn the other cheek to your enemy!"
- Anton LaVey (founder and creater of the church of satan, 30 april 1966 (I Anno Satanas))(Religious Satanists existed in the 1950's) LaVey wrote the Satanic Bible in 1969.


The beliefs, practices and rituals of the Church of Satan have few, if any, points of similarity with the Christian or Muslim concept of Satan. The CoS' Satan is pre-Christian, and derived from the Pagan image of power, virility, sexuality and sensuality. Satan is viewed as a force of nature, not a living quasi-deity. Their Satan has nothing to do with Hell, demons, pitchforks, sadistic torture, demonic possession, and profound evil. There are references in LaVey' writings to having conducted a few Black Masses for publicity purposes, in which the Roman Catholic Mass was ridiculed. But, it is unknown whether these references were satirical or reflected actual rituals. Assuming that the black masses were fictional, all of their rituals have no connection to those of Christianity or of any other religion.
Some of their beliefs and practices are:

• They do not worship a living deity.
• Major emphasis is placed on the power and authority of the individual Satanist, rather than on a god or goddess.
• They believe that "no redeemer liveth" - that each person is their own redeemer, fully responsible for the direction of their own life.
• "Satanism respects and exalts life. Children and animals are the purest expressions of that life force, and as such are held sacred and precious..."

Its beliefs and practices:

The nine Satanic statements: These form the core of the Church of Satan beliefs. They were written by Anton LaVey. In abridged form, they state that Satan represents:

• Indulgence, not abstinence.
• Vital existence, not spiritual pipe dreams.
• Undefiled wisdom, not hypocritical self-deceit.
• Kindness to those deserving of it, not love wasted on ingrates.
• Vengeance, not turning the other cheek.
• Responsibility to the responsible, instead of concern for psychic vampires.
• Man as just another animal - the most vicious of all.
• Gratification of all ones desires.
• The best friend that the Christian Church has had as he has kept it in business for centuries.

The nine Satanic sins are:
Stupidity, pretentiousness, solipsism, self-deceit, herd conformity, lack of perspective, forgetfulness of past orthodoxies, counterproductive pride, and lack of aesthetics.

The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth are:
These are 11 rules of behavior written by Anton LaVey in 1967. 16 They include rules governing conversations, behavior towards guests, avoiding theft, acknowledging the power of magic, avoiding harm to children, refraining from killing animals, and behavior towards others.

Seasonal days of celebration:
The most important of all Satanic holidays is the birthday of the individual Satanist. Of lesser importance are:

• Walpurgisnacht (evening of April 30) and Halloween (evening of October 31)
• Solstices in June and December,
• Equinoxes in March and September.

Rituals and ceremonies contain the following concepts:
Names used include Satan, Lucifer, Belial and Leviathan.
Ceremonies are pageants, which are used to celebrate a person or element of faith.
Magic rituals consist of three types:

1. Lust ritual: sex magic which includes masturbation,
2. Compassion ritual to achieve healing or happiness, and
3. Destruction ritual (may include sticking pins in a doll; drawing a picture or writing a description of the victim's death; delivering a soliloquy, etc.). Destruction rituals are best performed by a group. If a person targeted by a destruction ritual is not deserving of it, the ritual will not harm them.

Satanic ritual tools: A simple Satanic ritual can be performed with a single candle and a Baphomet. However, more elaborate rituals may include the following:

• 
  A bell which is rung nine times at the beginning and end of the ritual; the Satanic priest rotates counter-clockwise as he rings the bell
• A chalice, ideally made of silver; it may not be formed of gold because that is a metal that Satanists associate with Christianity and Neopagan religions. In fact, Wiccans and other Neopagans use chalices made of various metals, including silver, and other materials.
• Other ritual tools include a gong, sword, elixir (usually wine), phallus, and parchment. They and the chalice and bell are placed on a small table near the altar.

Rules of behavior:

• Prayer is useless; it distracts people from useful activity.
• Ritual killing (of humans or animals) violates Satanic principles. Blood drawn from a victim is useless. Victims are killed symbolically, not actually.
• Members enjoy indulgence instead of abstinence. They practice with joy all the seven deadly Christian sins (greed, pride, envy, anger, gluttony, lust and sloth)
• If a man smites you on one cheek, smash him on the other.
• Do unto others as they do onto you. This is the CoS' version of an Ethic of Reciprocity.
• Engage in sexual activity freely, in accordance with your needs (which may be best realized either through monogamy, or by having sex with many others; through heterosexuality, homosexuality or bisexuality; using sexual fetishes as you wish; by yourself or with one or more consenting adults). The ideal is a monogamous relationship based on compatibility and commitment.
• Suicide is actively discouraged.
• The Satanist needs no elaborate, detailed list of rules of behavior.
• Membership in the CoS is limited to adults of legal age, unless a teenager obtains the written permission and attendance of their parent or legal guardian.

so there you go... i hope u understood all that.

-[Pd]-

today i noticed that this girl in yr 11, name... anna? has the nicest hands i've seen!! lol.. it was like... soft.. long fingers.. and all that.. lol i just wanted to hold them? LOL.... jokes..... well i do.. but that kinda creepy.. but they are nice. shes a sweet girl too.

-------------------------------

umz.. it was E-day at school today... and this year was definatly the best E-day i've experienced... better than other past years..
and the concert was.... hot and exciting.. most of the time...

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i still have something distracting me..... (lol sorry lilly.. its not you... lol *spank*)
i dont know what it is?!! grr..


-[Pd]-

hm..

hm.... today was a pretty confussing and intensed day..




---------------------

umz... i was thinking the other day... about .. well.. pretty much about everything and i had the strangest image in my head about a dead girl...i didnt know what it meant but it was pretty outrageous.. with i find interesting..

i dont know but .. to me.. right now my mind seems very outrageous.. like.. i could grow up to be a serial killer or something.. i just so many imageous and ideas, its not funny!!....

im distracted....



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umz.. recently been thinking of duyen again for some reason.. ever since thao brought her up i couldnt stop thinking of her.. but i cant blame her for that.. i'v always thought about her and thao just 'helped' me realise it. -_-"

--------------------------
i just have all these thoughts in my head, about everything and i dont know how to ... idenify?... or sort out what im thinking and the troubles..problems im having with it.. i cant even find the joy within it all.

something is distracting me, but i dont know what it is. i want something.. thats all i know..

im hungry?
i want a drink?
i want a smoke,drugs?
i want a partner? a friend?
i want a new life?
i want sex?
i want to kill?
i want a career? job?.. succeed?
i want to die?

i dont know??!! there is just something.. that something missing.

i simply just dont know.

-[Pd]-