mercy

in my eyes she can do no wrong
in her mind i'm a little child
she's the words in my favorite song
but to her i am juvenile

i'm the love she will never love
i'm the friend that she calls a friend
and if i'm not the careful crush
i'll be one heart, just one and then

mercy mercy have on me
leave me broken but leave me be
distance hurts a thousand miles
so stay where you are for a little while

and mercy mercy sing my song
lyrics always felt so wrong
sell my soul to change the rhyme
make you wanting and make you mine

in her mind i'm a troubled soul
i've pretended and played it cool
there's a place where i don't belong
and myself i have made a fool

-[Pd]-

Every shred of hope collides in your heart
with the fear of losing what you've just given up
As the moments pass you pray to survive
All these lonely minutes that once kept you alive

Try to change the expression that's worn out your face
As you lose the momentum of your past living ways
Every song is a channel for the memories to keep
floating in your head as you're left asking

Why did I choose to let it all go
Was it the fear of needing or the doubts I let show
I never gave up fighting
I never said goodbye
So why? Why did we let go?..

Every day is a new breath, but the battle's still on
trying hard to elude them by keeping my head strong
Still I feel the exhaustion of wanting your kiss
As I'm left here asking the same damn question

You never showed that you were scared of losing me
And You...
You didn't fight to make me stay in your arms

So I'm left asking...

-[Pd]-

I’ve been patiently waiting
I can’t think of the words to say
And it’s getting frustrating
This is honestly killing me
I’ve been meaning to ask you
But my awkward tongue gets in the way
There’s a thousand things I want to say
So break some pieces off of me
I can only wait until the end
Go break some pieces off of me
Baby, this is just the beginning

-[Pd]-

i have never been so low thinking about people before....


theres nothing happening... and i think that's the problem.

i start to think,
to wonder

about anything and everything
even things i shouldn't be thinking about
then i would get hurt and lonely = emo
yes i turn myself emo thinking about people...

people in my life.... makes me insanely emo.

i don't speak my mind enough or at all to them,
i don't tell them how i feel about them...
i am scared of being hurt and i know i will hurt when i open to someone, because i would let myself feel.

I'm not saying that i am cold hearted, that i don't feel happiness or sadness, i do, i feel happiness and sadness and passion and guilt and rage.... etc.

i just don't like opening myself up to others, to reply on others emotionally because i know one day... just one day, they wont be there...
it could be just for that day when i really need them or forever since that day...
what will i do then? how will i cope...

i still cant cope or have a normal day or not be emo... since this particular friend and i stopped or decreased our communication... it happened so suddenly and she was gone til now (she didn't go anywhere... she just stop being in my life and seeing me, less to no communication) i think about her everyday, because she use to be in my life everyday.
i still cant cope, i opened up to her... i depended on her, i love her... and now my heart is breaking.


i try to be nice to people, and I'm starting to think they are taking it and me for granted, i get brushed off/cancelled/rain-checked to easily.
its true that i don't have much to do and am available most of the time, but that doesn't mean i like to be re-scheduled all the time. i don't want to be your un-attendance plan, why cant i be top priority for once.

i'm moody.

i'm sad


-[Pd]-

ok, so... lets see what to write....

lets start with.... theres a guy living at my house for a few days... I'm suppose to be marrying him, but we'll see.

um.. work, has been pretty tight right now... the holiday season arriving,
christmas ... and news years... and such...

yea.. i dunno what else to say....

hello how are you? how about you tell me about your days.... and lives... and drama... and non-drama... anything.. im cool about it

OH... i just discovered that theres apparently this something called "2 girls 1 cup"... (yea im abit slow... i just discovered it tonight actually), and it um...
lol i actually have no idea how to comment on this one... its gross and nasty.... but yet i wonder what the person who thought about it was thinking...
for those of you who DONT know it( lol like me a few hours ago).. its about two girls making out and such then out of no where one of the girl takes a shit in a cup and both of the girls would lick/eat it ... then seem like they like it then vommit it out on into each others mouths .... REPEATLY.... i wonder how much they got paid for that fucked up movie. i watched youtube videos about viewers reactions... its so funny... because there was a challange on emails that was sent around... and yea.. lol..


goodnighty.

-[Pd]-

OK, I'm going to talk about something..... even though its an old topic... but i think about it... sometimes to always.... and it's just heavy on mind right now...

its about a girl....
that i interest in or like or love... whatever you want to call it, for the last four years and still counting... the "was" straight girl.... (yea i got to describe like that because i cant use names..... because if i do... some day, some how it will bite me on the butt....) well, i was talking to a friend, and she kind of just brought up on how we use to talk... the first few times we talked( way back when we first knew each other) and the topic that kept us talking was how we were both in a similar situation of girl dilemmas, and mine was about the "was" straight girl, except that she WAS straight then, and how much i want her and etc... and i just realised that I'm still in the same shit position with her, i don't think i have ever really moved. maybe just a shift... but i never have really moved, its been four long years, and i am still here.

i do wonder if she ever thinks about what I'm going or might be going through, because she knows i like her and i have told her.. and she has brushed me off, but i wonder if she ever thinks about it.
i know the general surface is that we are friends/good friends, but i wonder about whats below the surface. But to be completely honest... i do wonder but i don't know if i want to know, i am generally fine with the way things are, but i do crack once in a while.
i don't feel like we are as close as we use to be, her scene changed and she is more surrounded with other people and her friends now and i feel misplaced in her world, and we don't keep in contact as often either and it pulls me down because it all happened so suddenly and fast, i miss her, and it feels great when she pops back in my life or day even just for a little while.

my friend says i defend her, when i talk about her or how my feelings are when I'm feeling down....
and my friend also said that if when you defend someone, you got it bad for them...

is that it?, do i? do i got it bad for her?








yea, its pretty bad by the looks of it.

but why.





why...


the song "gravity" by Sara Brailles, is to exactly how i feel about her.
here are the lyrics...

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend(well she is a friend just not so much around) nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down

Keeping me down
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long...


........ *sigh*

I'm being emo about her again, i just cant help it.... gets to me sometimes...
i'm having a psych moment now, i think i should go....

-[Pd]-

howdy




so.... whats up?



a friend or a few people/friends have said....:
" your more alive when you have drama"

i agree, yes i think thats true...

havent you noticed by now? since having less to no drama, i havent been posting... because i dont really know what to talk about.

hm.... yea... i dont know what to say....
just thought i'd pop by to let you know im still here and alive...

have a good one, cheers.

-[Pd]-

I'm not quite sure what to talk about.


something is yanking at my focus, this sudden blank feeling is taking over.

i feel blank, not depressed.... just blank..
i think it's because of my feelings not wanting to mend, because if i don't mend, how am i suppose to feel much....
but nothing exciting has been happening,

the weather has been crazy these days.. hot, hot, rain, hot, rain, cold.. hot.. etc etc..
it was really cold yesterday and the night before yesterday.. i had like a 24hour or two day cold.... and a short fever.... all within 48hours.... crazy....

anyways... this feels like a dead end post...
-[Pd]-

sorry about the lack of blogging... its either because my mind is completely blank or its filled with uselessness thoughts.

i feel hot, the weather is so weird these days..

um, i keep missing her.... i mean like, its not wrong to miss her, its just i miss her and i cant really express to her.
anyways. not going there again... look what happened last time..(my last post).
(the song i wrote for her, i ripped it up, but i still remember it so clearly.... *sighs*)

i miss her.

i saw her last night, we hugged, she gave a kiss on the cheek...
i told her i miss her, she told me she miss me.
she hugged me so tightly, i didn't want to let go of her, but she had to go, she had to leave.

it was great seeing her again... hugging her...hear her voice.

i miss the way she laughs, i miss her smile
i miss the way she walks too fast, for me to keep up with
i miss hearing her voice, i miss our messages
i miss the way she forces me to eat, always half of what she eats
i miss looking into her eyes then she suddenly smiles
i miss the way she always buys/drink water but steal my can of soft drink
i miss how she finds what i say funny, even when I'm sarcastic and pissed off
i miss her in a dress
i miss her in her jeans and the way she dresses, so simple but cool
i miss her long wavy hair
i miss the ways which she smells, always different perfumes but always a familiar smell, to fit her style
i miss the way she always has some sort of lollies in her handbag
i miss eating ice cream with her
i miss her driving
i miss how she always brightens my day, asking how i am or have i slept well
i miss how i always learn something new (about anything) when with her


i miss her.

i admit, i do miss her.

some days i don't know what to do to pass the time... waiting for the days which she contacts me, i admit, i do wait for her, day and night.
i get excited once she appears , but when without her i feel depressed and lonely.
i don't know what to do.

i wrote her a song, but i don't want to play it to her.
i feel lame and pathetic.


-[Pd]-

To Haters.


I'm tired of being sorry all my life,
you may see the world in light and darkness but it's not that simple,
i live in a world of grey, and that's what allows me to do things that others just cant do,
that's what allows me to fail, and get back up.
you see, I've lived my whole life on pure emotions,
and tonight this emotion is simply frustration, its anger, its recklessness and insanity,

is exactly what will beat you.



-[Pd]-

lol, sorry i just had to say something...

my house.... family just had the regular get drunk Friday night gathering....
and one of the family which is my cousin's cousin... came over.. and the mum... she is about the 30's age group... and she has two kiddies... one is about 13 or 14 and the other is about 8? anyways,.... she had a boob job.... and now since the first time i knew that she has got it done... i just can not take my attention off it...
it's kinda of like... my eyes and attention just draws itself to her chest.. and its so bad when I'm talking to her... and my excuse when she catches me is that i read the printed words on her top out loud so she would think I'm just looking at her top...
it is so awkward when I'm around her... and lately she keeps twirling her hair... and when i look at her i just laugh... like i suddenly feel uncomfortable and i burst out in laughter.... she reminds me of those hot(I'm not saying shes hot... not to me.. maybe to other people she is) dumb collage girls in movies... that has boobs and twirls their hair.... lol.. (she reminds me of quin in the cartoon called Daria is specifically who she reminds me of).

anyways... i just thought that is funny... just want to say something...

----------------------------

i am a YouTube , facebook and myspace freak.....
well not so much myspace...

but i find myself just signing onto those site when i am at a computer....
like i could be working or doing something important and on a tight schedule and i would stop and log into those websites for no reason....

those sites have become a habit of daily life.... and if a day that i don't log into them, i get a little edgy...

i felt a bit freaked out today because i thought i was Internet stalking because when ever i log into the sites.. a particular person(s) appears on my news update...with something new, so basically i know what they are up to for the whole day.... un-intentionally.

yea.. i have the tendency to freak myself out....
and i do it very often... sometimes several times a day...

-----------------------------------

OH OH OH... something else funny tonight is that.... i watched ( a while ago) a vlog from Natalie (communitychannel) and she mentioned how when some retells a story.... the other person always sound different or whinny...
well anyways.... the mum that i was talking to... (the one with the boob job i mentioned) was retelling a story... and that is exactly what happened.. she make funny weird voices for the other person and waved her arms and hands around like as if they did so when talking to her...

here the clip I'm talking about from communitychannel... and when i was talking to the mum i just kept thinking about the clip.. and laughing... people must have thought I'm crazy today, keep laughing.. anyways.. enjoy the clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K-RtHr4alg


------------------------

Jennifer Beals is 45 years old this year... and i would bang her if i had the chance...
now people have a problem when i say that, probably because they don't know who she is, now if u would google her..... go on.. do it... google Jennifer Beals... and you will see that she is an amazingly strong looking beautiful woman..... no 45 year old woman can beat her....
she stars in the series the L word, she also stared in several movies but some u might know is flashdance and the grudge 3 i think (her character is name Trish)...
for the people that do know her.... she is gorgeous isn't she?

-[Pd]-

DAAAAAMMMNNNN its hot today......

hm... very humid indeed.

well its not so bad right now because the breezes are starting to blow through.


i didn't get up to much today.. just added some more songs in my playlist there...
it's too darn hot to do anything.... well besides go to beach or swimming pool... thought I'm not such a big fan of the pool... especially on hot days when its crowded....

beach i like better... there's the water... and the great view of people ^_^.

--------------------------------------------

um................................................

it appears to be a fire somewhere near my area.... very smokey it is... maybe its a bush fire...

--------------------------------------------

i miss watching The Mint(its not on anymore), its a late night game show on everynight..... i just love watching Natalie Garonzi and Lyall.... they are so funny ANd natalie is someone i fancy... ahhhahaha.....

i miss them so much.. i youtubed them... lol.
------------------------------------------

anyways.... i be off now....

-[Pd]-

false excitement....

airport story..... false excitement.....

discard it.



-------------------------
so.. yesterday...

went to airport....... came home.....
didn't do anything...



went to city with a friend to go to the piano room.... but we went a bit late to it we couldn't get in.... bummer!!,
reason was.. we were having dinner... drank a bit lol.. and tried to sober up a bit before going anywhere... (sake is awesome!! yea that was the first time i tried sake)
also tried black sesame ice cream.... it was alright... if u like sesame then its great... I'm not so much of a fan.. but still like the ice cream.
so we couldn't get into the venue , we walked around... mucking around and such.. walked from kings cross to Hyde's park... did two laps of the place... walked to central to the arcade, play games for a bit.. went to McDonald's... then went home...

that was a perfect night... just something i needed to be cheered up by, its simple... i enjoy simple things....because its simple to enjoy? ahhhhaha..... anyways.. it was a good night. Thanks Cooper.

----------------------------------------------------

my family woke me up early because they want to go to the city... but my mum stayed home, so i took that chance and now I'm staying home with her...
i don't know why I'm still doing up..... I'm still tired... my legs are sore.. and i have a huge hangover....

----------------------------------------------

i gotta start controlling myself when I'm drunk... i keep drunk calling/messaging people... one of these days.. it will turn bad... hm...
lucky i didn't say anything bad... (i hope)

-[Pd]-

taking a trip to the airport...


i feel nervous...

will tell you why later....


ahhha.

-[Pd]-

hm...................................................

i just re-installed my computer once again........

stupid people keep stuffing up my computer.. and now i have lost everything on it... my work.. my music.. my pictures.... EVERYTHING!!!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH PEOPLE!!!!

hm...... i should lock up my comp.
but whats the use... theres NOTHING left to protect!!......



blah.


--------------------------------

today has been officially one week since the four arguments happened.
i said hi, or sent messages... to each person....
and have gotten two replies.
fair enough....
i want to be stubborn but that is just stupid.

this is getting more and more pathetic... the longer this keeps going... the more pathetic it is.

thats all i got left to say....

i cant be the nice one anymore, i dont have the patients anymore...
what a friends for if they cant forgive and forget, little arguments.

(i know i sound harsh.. this is just a heat of a moment comment.... i love my friends... im just frustrated on waiting around for them... and the arguments are little... like i keep saying.. and they dont care enough to talk to me... i am always the one crawling to them... and im tired of crawling to anyone...
so now i dont know if i should care anymore. if u are one of the arguments i had with a week ago... why arnt u talking to me... huh? do you want me to beg? or should i just go away....tell me what u want, if u are taking that little argument this dramatically and big... strong... something must be up.. what is it... am i not nice enough to you anymore? what is it.)
(again, heat of the moment... i love you... im just freaking out coz i cant figure it out)
--------------------------------

um,

yay... going to a singer/song writer gig on Wednesday night.. at the "piano room" in kings cross.. if anyone wants to join.. it starts at 8pm.

free entry.
--------------------------------------------------

um,

ah,


lol, do the girls that serves at food services flirt to reel customers in now?...
because now that whenever i go out to eat and girls are serving... they always seem to flirt with me... or pick me up.
especially my local McDonalds.... i have been asked for my number five times during the last month, two of which is the same girl.... two different kfc places... one from each... a subway place and a few cafes... now.. is that weird .. or is it just me.
i accidentally cut my finger with a scissor at a kfc place because the girl that was talking to me is very cute... my friend just recently bought something and we could not open it... and also we were buying food... and i asked the kfc for scissors.. and yea.. i was too busy looking and talking to her... i snipped my finger..

yes, i do become stupid around girls i take interest in.

------------------------------------------

OH!!! my knee...... i pulled a small rock out of it yesterday.. sorta freaked me out... knowing a rock was there for abit more than a week.... lucky it did not get infected!!.... no wonder it was hurting so much....it made a hole... but i put anti-biotics in it and it healed quickly and the hole is gone....

--------------------------------

yes.. im going to go now....

cheers.

-[Pd]-

like a bullet
meant to be shot
you are the target
dead on the spot.

she is ricochet, and you dont notice.



----------------------------


i'm tired today...
the message is un-clear.

i went to the shops today.........................................................................................
this time i did NOT have a bitchy situation.. but a very nice one..
she was/is very cute...
i like her hair.... hm.. i wonder if its natural...

ok.. yes as u can see i have found my.... mojo?
dunno if thats what you call it..... but hey.. i found it...

thanks to that cute Blondie sales girl.




-------------------------

in other news..... still havent spoken to any of the four...


in another news.... um...

oh...

uh..
ah...
huh...

suddenly i forgot how to speak?...

lol...
write.. if u wanna get technical.



------------------------------------

i love watching wrestling..... WWE to be exact... World's Wrestling Entertainment....
i know its fake.... but its awesome....
personal favourite wrestlers would be
male: Batista, John Cena, triple H, the undertaker, stone cold Steve Austin, the rock (the good ol times).........
females: kelly kelly, mickie james, candice michelle, michelle mcCool.
awesomeness......

i wish to know kelly kelly and batista and john cena.....
they are coming to Australia in January i think... the ultimate close up ticket (which i want) cost $350............ and the realllllly back of the room ticket is $50.....
i need to cough up $350.... soon...


OH, also my lovely girls... Tegan and Sara is coming back...in um... January also.... hope to go this time... i missed out last time.. i was so disappointed...
I Love Tegan and Sara Quin.

oh.. speaking about Tegan And Sara... they are very disappointment on the election in America because of the prop 8?... prop 8 has been passed on... which means that same-sex marriage is still banned.
Tegan protested against prop 8 and i am proud of her.. and wish to support her in America but i cant.. because i am here... in Australia... also fighting for the ban of same-sex marriage to be lifted... and for EVERYONE to have equal rights everywhere in the world... but my first step is Australia.... my attempts are failing for far but i will still stand for it... and keep on trying until it happens.... or until i die.... then im sure someone else is doing what im doing...

SUPPORT EQUAL RIGHTS AND SAME-SEX MARRIAGES!!!!!



hm...... got alil ahead of myself there.....

but yes.. please support.. everyone deserves to have equal rights for everything..... especially to be happy... to be recognised for love.... being able to marry the ones we love.

it is not the gays and lesbians that screws up the system... the straight man(people) is.

we fight for our freedom, we riot to be noticed.
we do so because of the constant ignorance and avoiding of the system, brushing us off... but the world is changing, society is changing... why cant you(people and system), why cant you change to fit society but you continue to stay within the system that works hundreds and thousands of years ago.



hm.... went alil politics there..... which i never really done before... socially before....

anyways..

---------------------------------------

i was thinking..(wow i think? lol) and i wondered and asked myself..... why and how am i still here, alive....
i was certain and very sure that when i have pushed those four close friends away... i would be able to kill myself, because i have nothing left...
is that why i still havent spoken to them?... to drag time so i can pull the courage to kill myself? or am i being stubburn and trying to keep my ground.

hm.. whatever... i feel depress when i think too much... coz always lead to unhappy thoughts...

----------------------------------------

hm.. yes.. im gonna leave it as that...... my thoughts trigged something bad

-[Pd]-

i just woke up... not so long ago....

and since i woke up... til now... i have this feeling of nervousness as if i am waiting for something or someone...
its so bad, its causing me to vomit...
i dont know what it is i am nervous about.


i still havent spoken to the four people i had arguments with the other day....
i feel guilty.... for driving those four people away.... they are close people as well...
i want to beg for apology..... not just ask, but BEG for it.... because im just one that has to ask for apology everytime... i cant, not ask for it? even though its not my wrong....
but this time i think i should leave it.. because the sake of the arguments and avoiding it coming up again... i cant handle it everytime the same argument comes up, the tension builds and it turns into nagging.... and i get really argo....
but hm..... i'd probably have to give in... like always, i never get to have my say stay.


----------------------

my friend and i were talking last night and because of late i have been struggling with relations... i decided to go cold turkey.
i decided and she tried to trick me to un-decided, but so far my head is strong... but im not so sure about it when im around people... i can talk tough all i want at home.. but when im out.. i cant resist....

--------

anyways.

-[Pd]-

ok, so today was a pretty confussing day...

oh but i did discover a great new electro band, Ultraviolet sound is what they are called, i will try to find their songs online so i can add it to my playlist right here on my page...
www.myspace.com/ultravioletsound

OH and also... i want to mention "Versant" also a band...
as you all know i did mention that Carah Faye Charnow (my favourite electro/punk singer) has left her formal band " Shiny toy guns" and i was very upset... BUT i am EXCITED to say that she has developed a new band called "VERSANT" !!!!!! i am so happy she is still singing... check them out and please support!!
www.myspace.com/versantmusic


ok, i hope those links work.... so you wonderful people can discover and also enjoy other wonderful people that makes wonderful music... (if not just copy and paste, you know how it does).

---------------------------

i have no idea what is going on in my mind right now....


i met a girl today.... but i was unmotivated to show my interest...
i feel stupid now... because she was/is hot... freezing ice kinda hot... you know.. the ice that is so cold and when you touch it, you get burns...
perfect for my mood.... i should probably slap myself now.... for not showing interest... but then again... im too lazy to slap myself....


i walked past the mobile phone shop i bought my phone from last week or a few days ago? i dunno cant remember when i got it, anyways... and the girl that was serving me.. called me in as i was walking pass... and she gave me the covers for me phone.... for free, so that was nice of her, i bought her coffee in return... she seems very nice. but i dont have interest in her... for some reason.

god, whats wrong with me... im not social any more... hm.... nor flirty.... trying to pick up people.... being/showing interest.....
what the fuck is happening.....
am i turning straight?... no.. i dont think thats it.. ahhhhhahha.....

thats two girls today.. and i didnt show interest?.... hm....
out of the ordinary for me...

am i like, too depressed to be turned on?
maybe.... but then again.. not everything turns me on... but you know what i mean right? i dont get excited... is what i mean... get interested.... amused...
and i am one of those people that gets amused really easily as well....

hm...

i'm mixing electro music at the moment.. and i like it.... more than Rnb/hip hop.
turning into a fREAK for electro beats....

--------------------------

i've been having dark thoughts again.... but sexy ones....
sexy dark thoughts?
yea.... sexy dark thoughts...
i'm getting sick in the head again....
finding dark things sexy.... hm....
i want to do them..... but probably shouldnt....
or
maybe i should.... because i might explode if i dont.... that would be worse? than releasing it slowly? watching my step?... right? right?
hm...
maybe...
i'll see what happens...

------------------------------

i was performing at a promotion get together and i was talking , promoting the pussycat dolls performing in australia and some guy just shouted out nicole isnt hot....
and i questioned him... and he said he doesnt think nicole is hot.... and i just wonder.. where, what kind of world do you live in where u say that nicole isnt hot??!! ...... how is she not hot...... NICOLE IS HOT!!... hm.... maybe he's gay... but then gay guys do have great taste for hot women...(well hot is pretty obvious) so maybe he is just an idiot.. and doesnt know what hot is.... maybe he is into a different kind of hot.... who knows...

-------------------------------

i am a YOUTUBE fREAK......

hm.. check this out..... it's natalie (communitychannel) talking about confronting and such... anyways.. thought its good so check it and her out...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnLRd_j9oTc

---------------------

anyways..... heading off and out... got a gig to catch....... AND ITS LIKE 2AM!!!! ... gosh i wish i could sleep.....

-[Pd]-

hm....

im not quite sure what happened today.... so far i have been in four different arguments with four different friends....
now i feel like crap... and i dont know what to say to them...

i dont know if the argument was necessary, or something is bothering me and i just had to pick fights to release myself....

i dont know whats up...


the day was humid, but now is calm
the wind is blowing, the tree branches are swaying to the beat of the wind

my head is hurting, so is my heart.

my body is aching, my finers and feet are numb...

i had a death thought, i crashed.

i'm picking at my wound, so my physical pain would distract me from my emotional pain.
i'm bleeding, but its not working this time.

am i overreacting? am i being too dramatic?
maybe,

whats wrong with me, i dont know.

i tried to fly today, but all that happened is that i hurt my arm, i dont know if its broken... and i dont care.

i am angry, no one can take my anger... they just leave, when really i need them.. my anger is my opening point, but no one can take it, they expect me to cry, cry for help. i dont cry easily.
once i cry, that is when i am completely down and out.

i need another intervention to kick myself straight, be a soldier and move on.
a soldier does not let her/his feelings getting in a way of a battle. its a war out there. and i need to be out there, to survive.

or maybe i just need the proper TLC.. tender loving care... maybe that is what i need.

i dont know and i dont understand.

things happen for a reason.... well this better be well a heck of a reason!!!

-[Pd]-

i am struggling,

my world of love have officially been shattered
...and i dont think i want to mend it anymore.

my career is struggling...

my friendships are struggling...

my life

is struggling.

and i dont think i want to mend....

maybe i want to stay here where i can be safe from feelings, and not to build the high just to crash down to the low, again and again.. repeatedly, constantly.
i was beginning to think it was becoming a rush for me, an addiction... to build the high to feel the crash of the low. but its not the rush im after... i want/wanted to find something, great. just something that i can live and be happy with... someone to love, something to love doing. i want to wake up in the morning and look forward to something that would make me smile... real big.

i use to.
wake up
think
and smile
knowing i have things and people to look forward on doing and seeing,
i dont have anything anymore,
i am dismantled.
and i dont know if i want to mend.

i want happiness, i want someone i can trust to be with and for me always like how i always am for everyone around me... they say "treat others like how you want to be treated".... and people dont treat me the way i treat them... i'm getting sick and tired of the way i am treated... i dont want to be the "nice guy" anymore... nor i want to turn into a bad ass...

the people outside, some think of me as a player they can just get with to have a "good time".... some think im a lame ass loser that is shy and keeps to myself... some think i am a try hard because of how i live and what i do, like my job and my scene...
i dont want to be thought of as those ways... why cant i just be one who tries to make a career from what she enjoys and is friendly that likes to be social... huh? why cant i be that....

the people inside, some think im too nice, and i cant get anything from being nice, most only turn to me when they are troublesome and because they know i will listen... they love me for listening... not the love for being me... not the love that can get me anywhere...
some think that i am too busy chasing my dreams to realise anything in reality, its called having a goal.
some think i think too much.... which i agree on...

maybe the people i feel are close to me, not generally that they feel close to me.. maybe we feel different kinds of closeness, different kinds of love.

they way i feel about you, is guaranteed to be different from the way you feel about me.

i could be hearting you and you could be hating my guts... and i could be digging that and you could be thinking that shit is fucked....

yea.... complicated shit im talking about...
might look simple as you read it... but its been given alot of deep thoughts... maybe it'll be more meaningful if u observe it properly..

sorry about as of late guys.... my life has been pretty fucked up.. deeply.. and i just cant cope... i cant express myself properly... i have tried to post.. but absolutely nothing turns out right.... so i just delete it and hope you would forgive me.


but what i can talk about is that my heart is really hurting.. two days of shocking heart breaking news...
im not going to put any names ... but i'll tell u briefly what happened... first one.. i was briefly been seeing a girl i really fell for... but havnt known for so long... so i felt things were getting to fast.. but turns out she just wanted to get into my pants... because she heard people talk that i am a player and good in bed... so she just wanted to basically trick my into bed, we never did... the situation has been confronted and is now over between the two...
second thing, the straight girl i have been "in love" with for the last four years or so, and repeatedly been brushed off from is now in a relationship with another girl.... how does that make me feel? hurt... and kinda argo... because she was always making herself clear that she was never into girls.... i dont know the story between them... but something i do know is that she has met this girl a few months before i brought up my feelings for her.. her response to that was harsh and clear that she is not into girls.... now.. is that a lie? is she lying to me? our bond was always honest and confronting.... but i realised that it was only on my side that is honest and she confronts me... i never once questioned her... so, is she lying to me?
or i dont question her enough or at all to make her tell me things i need to know... because once i realised it was NEVER going to happen between her and i, i wrote a chapter in my book(my life, not a real book) that she is off limits and no way i can be with her because she was straight and attached, now when she was un-attached... i tried again because i felt like exploding with my feelings because i want her so bad, and i wrote another chapter on how i might get a tiny chance of my feelings... and yet again i got brushed off harshly and clearly, and this time it scared me... so i wrote another chapter in my book to keep myself sane from her, i built up my wall of sanity and facts and fear of loosing her... i pretend my feelings do not exist... and now this happens and all my walls have shattered and my book riped up.... everything is in chaos. i am hurt because i have to shut my feelings off from her in every way... keep it inside and feel the pain for many years... when i want her so much, ... fuck it... i dont know what im saying on this subject anymore...

i will not, contact anyone, unless needed from now... i am tired of initiating all the time, i contact first... after a while because i miss them and or wanna say hi whats up or something, because its been such a long time since last contact that i try not to be the first to contact.... and the response i get is..... " oh i been thinking/wondering about u the other day.... coz we havent communicated in a while"... hm.. why dont or cant you just give me a buzz.... or a message... it aint hard... JUST PUSH THEM BUTTONS ON YOUR PHONE!!!!!!!......
i know its a nice thing to say that u been thinking of someone.... letting them know you havent forgotten about them.... but.. hey, its a bitch waiting for contact.
this is killing my self-esteem too, i feel fucken needy, always being the first to contact... feels like im bothering you in your busy happy life...

see, i dont want to contact and talk to someone when im in shit either.... because i dont feel like i can talk to anyone because they dont give a general hello, how are you.... often or at all.... i cant just open up to anyone easily, i need to have a close bond.. and not have the sense that i am a burden to their lives.
and once i do talk to someone, and they are not there for the after times... i crash... i go fucken emo.....

i get emo with people.... people drive me insanly emo.....

see thats why... i dont think i want to mend...

but i dont want to be cold either.

so what do i do.... i dont know how to cruise in between anymore... since being exposed to feelings... allowing myself to feel... feeling deeper feelings, i have been fucking up everywhere i go...
i cant be social anymore, i cant be or havent been in a stabled relationship for a long time, i have been working poorly, lack of concerntration, no sleep, less food intake, moody, exhausted, and everything else...

maybe, just maybe i think i dont want to mend.

-[Pd]-

that picture there is my knees after a skateboarding accident.... right after i fell of out of a tree.... its been about three days now... still hurts like a bitch..

anywhos.

i'm hot, tired and aching....

i need a new phone... probably get one tomorrow...

hm.......

-[Pd]-

my life seems like its falling apart.... again....... the only thing different this time is that i DONT know what to do.

got any ideas?

Been trying so hard to find something new
and just when I think that the something is you

I fall down again and I don't want to be picked up
I think I'll stay, right here where it's safe

I didn't look back when I started to run
And when I arrived I wished I never begun

I fall down again and I don't want to be picked up
I think I'll stay, right here where it's safe

Been down this road before and I can't ignore the ways out for sure but I
I think I'll stay this time, content am I with laying down right here

Just give me a pen and a photo of you
and I'll sing you lines about the dreams I pursue
But don't be deceived by the things that aren't true
I'm only as much as I actually do

I fall down again and I don't want to be picked up
I think I'll stay, right here where it's safe

And so my story goes
I'll use this smile so nobody knows

-[Pd]-

DID THE WORLD JUST SUDDENLY GOTTEN MORE BITCHY??!!!
or has it got something to do with me.... like i send some sort of message saying " oh.. be bitchy to me... please please"....

whatever.

i am very annoyed....
because lately, when i go shopping i kept being in some sort of bitchy situation... between me and the sales person..... AND I WONDER WHY.....

so, why.....

do you have an answer?...

is it because I'm Asian?.... i am an Australian.... i was born and raised here... and am still living here. i SPEAK English quite clear and fluently to my understanding.. and i probably know the legal system, history of Australia and the government system way better than you do.

is it because I'm gay?.... but how would they know that....from the way i dress?... i see others dress the same way... maybe i could like it because its comfortable to wear...

is it because I'm overweight? , heaps of people are overweight in this thin stereotype society... thin doesn't literally mean your better... means its easier for the wind to blow you away ^_^.v


so, why...

i was shopping today, and i went into this brand store that i always go into to buy my clothes, but it was in a different location.. and i have only visited it three times or so... and i went in it wearing the same shirt i wore the last time i was in, and i had a comment ( not told directly to me, but i heard it) about it from one of the sales staff. and the comment was : " i saw that girl the other week and she wore the same thing here, she probably doesn't have a different top from that ahahah".. well, FUCK YOU.
you know what?... why cant i wear my shirts more than once.... why is that a problem????? what is the use of clothes if you just wear it once and only once.. rather just wear paper bags!!! or be naked. i will NOT buy something if i don't think i will wear more than once... and until it wears out and rips or something... i will still wear it.
its not like i don't wash them, if your questioning my hygiene. i wash it every time after i have worn it. talking about hygiene, why don't you just question my underwear too!!...

do you wear your clothes more than once? i will stalk you... you you you sales girl and will catch you out... i bet you do wear your clothes more than once and when you do.. i will kick you in the head!!.....
(no, i wont stalk her.. i don't have time for stupidity like that.)

hm.......

anyways.. i have vented enough....
thank you for reading my frustration, and i hope it has been amusing to you all.

cheers.

^_^.v peace.

-[Pd]-

howdy.


i was at this place... and it had this huge machine... i had a look at it and it had this button that says " TILT" so i pressed it... but nothing happened... i asked the guy that operates the machine, and he says he doesnt know what that button does, so i kept pressing the button like a 5 year old kid trying to see if anything would happen, but nothing happened and i got really frustrated so i decided to take the button... lol.. now its sitting right here on my desk, and it still says tilt.

yea.. nothings been happening much..
still kinda limiting myself from the world, got to find control again.

OH!!.. i just killed a big spider... i saw it last night but was too lazy to kill it... it scared me today so i killed it...
my reflexes are really bad... i hurt alot of people when they scare or try to scare me... so please.. this is a warning.. DO NOT SCARE OR SUPRISE ME..... if you dont want to get hurt...

i need to clean up my room...
so freaking messy...
lol, have you ever talked to someone... and ask what they are doing and get an answer that they are cleaning?.... almost all the time? lol.. i do... and i dont get it... because if they are always cleaning, why is it always messy?.... do they intentionally trash up their place so they can have something to do?
hm...............


yea.. with my last post, i keep getting mixed messages, i dont think readers fully understand the structure...
it was sort of... showing my thoughts, thats how i think.. inside my head.. and also i see the shiny toy guns post like that too, i liked it so i decided to try it out..
it was meant for people to think... its thoughts.... its deep.. its dark... mystery.. its not supose to be understood...
people understand things in different ways and i just wanted to test that out, i want to know how people think , and no im not being physcotic again... im just curious.

anyway.. shall be off now...

cheers.

-[Pd]-

(can you drink one litre of cold Milo?)



hm,

its been different for the last couple of days,

....death is unsettled within me,



...a certain darkness creeping on me

...pulling me

... in



... just like before.

-------------------------------------------------

My mind,

...my heart

thinks more



...than it can handle.

-------------------------------------------------

Reasons,

...everything has reasons.



Why,

...must i feel trapped

...within myself,



...with no control.

nothing to grip on



to survive,

...the fall.


-----------------------------------------------------

Lingering

...waiting,

...why?

...everything has reasons.




Happiness,

takes

...alot of pain,

...to be appreciated.




Gifts mean nothing

... without thought.


-[Pd]-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyRJP_fDrbk

Mia sings "Just us"

um, i just had alil to drink, and feeling talkative....

alot has been on my mind... especially for the last weeek.... i have been trying to control and did a major self intervention, pulled myself away from everything....
and just try to focus...
so far i feels like its working...
i hope it stays that way.... i cant take getting myself broken again...

um,

im such a mess..... but no one knows it.... in a way .. its a good thing.... also a bad thing...


been working with a girl name mia, she is an amazing artist... incredible!! and amazingly good looking too!! ahhhahaha...

anyways.... i feel emotional... with everything thats been happening....


an distance uncle of mine.... shot himself yesterday.... technically the day before... MONDAY is what i mean.... he killed himself... i thought of it... but turns out he took the shot first... he shot himself at a park...

i feel like, i gotta drink before i talk.... i cant seem to speak feelings anymore... i cant even talk about my shit to the people close to me..... i talk on here.. but sometimes i cant get the words and i just fuck it and move on... or it takes forever for me to open up and talk... i take about more than an hour for each post...

shit is too fucked up for me right now.... and another reason i dont want to talk is because when i talk... people would say... ' oh, yea.. i know what u mean" or " yea i understand how u feel man.. same thing happened to me"... but hey.. i know they havnt been through it.. and it annoys me that when they say they have...
and ... or.. when they dont understand and i have to explain it to them.. meanwhile i have no fucking clue whats going on... so its hard to explain and they think i dont want to talk to them.. like im snobbing them... and then when it reaches that point.. i have to try to convince them and apologise to them... and while im the one thats messed up.. and they fall as the victim.. so the whole conversation starts from me being fucked up to me trying to apologise to the other person coz they mad at me for not talking....
(example,
me: hey.. sorry im feeling abit shit right now.. can we talk next time?
them: oh whats wrong ... tell me about it...
me: well, you see, i'm having this problem .. my mine is abit fucked up right now... im feeling really emotional because an uncle of mine just killed himself.. he shot himself at a park....
them: oh? i totally know how you feel man... why did he kill himself?
me: (clearly u dont know how i feel!!!) i dunno why.. im just abit emotional at the moment... weird thing is, i was thinking on shooting myself, then this happened... i feel so bummed.
them: yea.. i know how you feel, i understand completely. but why..
me: (CLEARLY U DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!) i dont know why..
them: oh why dont you tell me,why dont you talk to me... you never talk to me anymore... i feel so left out of your life..
me: im sorry, its not like i dont want to talk to you... its just ... yea..
them: oh stop making excuses... you never talk to me anymore..
me: i cant find the proper words and feelings right now.. im really fucked up right now.. im sorry...
them: oh fine!! be that way.... ) yup.. that how most of my conversations go)

i cant seem to sleep anymore..... probably why im drinking... to black myself out.. to at least have some sort of sleep...

a certain friend(yea i decided not to name people anymore.. coz things might leak out.. and yea.. not so nice for me), i beeeen thinking heaps of and about her...
i kinda left her for like... the last week... coz things got abit shaky between us... but we rebonded.... im kinda glad it happened... i never really knew how she felt about me before... and now i know... i mean like... i know in general how she felt about me... but now its something for sure... never thought i was so important to her.. coz honestly she has ALOT of friends and such.. and before, i always kinda felt outlawed abit... like.. i misplaced in her life so much... i still think i am.. but the feeling now... its alright... im not complaining... its just hard.. hard to feel 100% confident towards her...
shes the kind of person that values another person... shes greatful for alot of things.. and if ur good to her.. shes great to you.. but then... if you dis her.. then.. gosh u better watch out...
hm.. shes a great person... i dunno what happened that messed us up... abit of a misunderstanding... but we rebonded... i hope its all good now... coz shes close to the heart.

*sigh*

oh yes.... my ex gf... the one i loved so much.... has broken up with her bf... and the bf is my bros mate.. sort of.... and now he keeps coming over to hang out at my house... and honestly .. i feel uncomfortable when he and or she is around... its awkward when he comes here.. coz i keep thinking of her... and we know she dated both of us... and thats kinda awkward too... and we have moments when we wanna ask each other how she is but obviously i havent spoken to her for years.. and they just broke up and are not talking for now.. so that another awkwardness... so that triple times the awkwardness.... hm... you may not think its a big deal.. but deep down i know i still care... maybe im still caring for the girl i knew then.. coz i find that she has changed alot since then...

have you ever listened to a gun conversation.. between drunken middle aged asian men?... its fucken funny as!... they think hey know everything and they argue heaps... but its fascinating when actual facts are said... like types of guns and amo.. and customs.. etc etc... i wanted to research guns but it was bring bad thoughts to the head.. so i stopped.
actually, any conversation between drunken middle aged asian men are funny...

wow, its like 3 something am now.. i just need talk allll my steam out... i felt like my head was going to explode... and yes i am aware that i have written heaps... too bad.. my place to write.. who forced you to read... =P

i like watching Life, the tv series... i only took interest in it before was because Sarah Sashi stars in it, she use to be on the L word... but now that i keep watching it.. i love it...i love the way the main character... the guy.. talks psychological stuff... like.. he gets random moments and then talk random wise stuffs.. its so cunningly funny, and true.

i feel sad that Dexter is offair now... i enjoy watching that..

anyways.. i should head off...

cheers for reading..

^_^.v peace.

-[Pd]-

just something i've been fiddling around with...

Sometimes in the dark of the night brings confusion
you cant find the right from wrong you live for
With everything changing, your feelings inside
you wanna find comfort in somebody's eyes
travelled through passed pain
and finally what I found is

That with you everything just melts away
and its just us...
Just us....

Sometimes when feel yourself slipping away
You cant find the truth from the lie you live for
With everything moving, your fears come alive
you wanna find true love, in somebody's eyes
wandered through hurricanes
and finally what I found is

That with you everything just melts away
and its just us...
Just us....

That with you my true love will always remain
Just us
Just us...

cheers.
-[Pd]-

so sorry that i havent been blogging again....

been pretty busy with work and was having a personal hickup situation...

things are fine.. back to good and the way it should be... no more drama. well, not no more but less....

um... im having a cup of coffee...... enjoying it.... ^_^
just had a good rebond session with two friends...

my mood is light right now... pretty good stuff!!....

... anywho.. gotta get back to work..

cheers peeeeeeep...

-[Pd]-

for you.

have you ever thought to yourself that there could be so much more than you can see?

have you ever thought to yourself that theres more to life then pain and suffering?

have you smiled today? people say its good to have an average of 8 smiles per day keeps you happy and healthy. body and mind.

have you hugged today? people say its good to have an average of four hugs per day keeps u happy... and healthy. body and mind.

have you had a glass of water today? people say drinking 8 glasses per day keeps you healthy.... but i say.. a glass of water freshens you up when your feeling down, or when your running crazy...

have you went for a nice quiet walk today? it also keeps u happy and healthy, it gives you time to think, and if u feel frustrated, you could always run... really really fast to release the mind.

have you spoken to a friend today? casual or general talking is also something that can help keep you happy and healthy. this gives you the knowledge that your not alone and isolated, there is someone to talk to, either in general or deeper conversation.. ur not alone.

have you gone out of the house today? stepping out of the house, even just to step onto your front yard can be a good thing for you, step out, stand tall and breathe in the fresh air... that can relax your mind and refresh your body, pushing oxygen into your body and brain...
being in a social scene can also give you a healthy lifestyle, boost your confidence meeting new people, which gives you confidence to yourself.

did you take you time getting ready this morning? take your time getting ready in the morning, there is no point in rushing if you are trying to look good, take your time, appreciate yourself, then you will feel good to face the day ahead of you, when you look great you will feel great.

this is jus something i wanted to say quickly because a friend of mine is having a tough time and i hope this random methods of happy and healthy -ness.... would help.. or at least get a laugh...

i love you, gorgeous.

-[Pd]-

surrounded by death...

death...



i, lately have been feeling very withdrawn from my life...



today... just a moment ago... i was questioned by a policeman about an old ladies death on my street... a few houses down from my house...



the other week... a cat died on my drive way... (for the third time this year has happened!!!)



a few days ago.. something along of negative death lingering situation...



and repeatedly been told that i am being followed by some few spirits... ghosts, if u may.



repeatedly being approached by emo/suicidal persons/people.

was TOLD i look like a emo/ cutter.. because i have scars on my arms...



i found a dead mouse in my backyard... but thats normal.... coz my dog chases them.. and eventually one or a few will die...



i feel depressed by all this death scenes that i do want to follow somehow... felt suicidal in fact....

so i started to look it up on the Internet to try and scare myself straight... but hey i guess my head is too strong to change... i almost done cut myself, but a friend stopped by and saw it so stopped me.... or i guess i'll be in hospital or dead by now.



i got my heart broken. and my head messed.



i have to control myself. i cant go back to my old ways... i just cant.

i need to stay strong, i need to focus.

i try and try, but i still break.

people are right.. i am becoming weak... do you know why?... its because after all these years of strict control.. i finally let myself feel how its like to have feelings... to open up and let people in.... and now i feel weak... people know how vulnerable i can be... people know my weakness, people know my traumatic history.. i trust people now... and i think its becoming a mistake. i get my hopes and heart broken.



i havent been blogging so much lately because i have been abit depressed.. and am hiding from the outside world, not hiding... but trying to figure out myself without distractions. and this is bad and horrible to say but i think the close people in my life is making it harder for me to figure out myself... i say this with love, please dont take it the wrong way, how i meant it is.. that the close people in my life has a certain bond with me, all different.. and with how messed up i am , having them around seems to make me think more and the more i think the more mixed signals i get from people with mess me up even more.

---------------------------- had a break.. went to mcdonalds---

i got chatted up by the chick serving me, because she like the perfume smell i wear... apparently girls do like other girls wearing boy perfume... means im doing the right thing!!...

i know what u probably thinking... duh Tori, they do makes opposite sex's perfume for a to a few reasons!!!... to attract!!.....
but hey... all im saying is... i like to wear guy's perfume.. and the girls i approach like it too... so im happy, she's happy... both happy.
All Good.

------------------------------- sorry abit random there------------

i'm trying to surround myself with my job and music.... and no people...
i have not chatted up or picked up anyone for the last while.... but i also dont snob people that approach me, thats just rude.

i want to, just go out and play the field game again, but i'm afraid i wont be able to handle it as weel as i use to, because of how fagile i feel at this very moment.
i like to meet new people though, even though just for a chat, i dont have to hump them to be satisfied, i just want some fun and random company...

hm.. yes....

-[Pd]-

Love and sex.

Love and or Lust....

hm....

if a relationship involves sex.. would the sex distract the pure bondage of the relationship?
can sex turn into the reason or excuse of the relationship?
or a routine? like a must do when ones meet?...

is a relationship, nowadays, handle without sex?

whats a relationship like without sex...

whats sex without a relationship...

is it bad to use sex as an distraction?

whats a good distraction from sex..

is "timing" something you have to consider?

--------------------------

wow, that was weird hey...

been working heaps... non-stop really.... and im really tired...

i was playing around with my handycam today... and thinking.. maybe i should do Vblogs... like on youtube or something... i do like writing blogs.. it gives me times to think and i can have as long as i want... but i might give Vblogging a try... see how it goes..

i'm watching tv.... and damn freaking sexy ads are distracting me...


um,

my emotions and feelings... i feel like i soft drink can and my emotions and feelings are the drink.... and people are like little naughty kids that shakes the cans... and i feel like exploding... i say cans because its easier to explode than a bottle... i feel abit fragile to be honest...
i need strong comfort arms wrapped around me and tell me things will be ok... even though i know its a lie... it would be nice if it would happen...

can you see yourself in someone else's eyes?
can you tell or have a general feeling of what the other person is thinking about you when they look at you?

i've been trying to meet new people... to try to get over someone.. or at least be distracted anyways... and i've been doing all the right things... having the right reactions and responses and such.... but i dont feel like im enjoying myself.. it feel a little forcing or forcive to me... am i really caught up on this person i'm trying so hard not to be? hm...

its a long weeknd... not feeling festive though...

anyways... going to sleep now...

cheers.

-[Pd]-

hm......

not sure what to write about.... thats y im writing so late.. been trying to think on what to talk about...

so hm... here are some randoms?


i like ice cream....

its finally raining after two screaming hot days...

oh i feel sorry for the people attending parklife... because its raining...

i'm sleepy...

i'm hungry...

i'm hot... no i mean feel hot... because i know im not hot... so i feel hot.. lol.

um...

i'm still not happy about carah faye being replaced..

i drank heaps of water today... because its hot...

been watching youtube...
been watching wwe on youtube...

currently still chatting on msn...

currently trying to think of something to write...

umz...

i want to open a window or a door to let the cool air of the rain come in... but im paranoid of my stalkers... or some creepy thing happening... like a big huge guy with a gun bust through my door... because my net door is weak lol...
yea.. im scaring the shit out of myself.... thats what happens when i dont sleep... i think crazy.... but then dont i always think.... and crazy too?
hm.

i want a new phone.... my phone keeps stuffing up now....

i think i need to get out and be social again... i feel myself drowning in myself..
thats not a good thing... was a good thing for abit.. but i think its beginning to kill me.. i'm slowly depressing again... and even though hiding from it isnt a good thing... but its not a bad thing to at least escape it for a while... i've been a good girl... i deserve abit of fun again....

i'm a little bit sick.... thanks to the kids.... yea... im in a pissy mood because its hot and i cant breathe... and i cant sleep....

my back is so sore...and my neck.. heck.. all my body is sore.

anyways... i SHOULD TRY to get some SLEEP..... now...
even though my mind is racing...


(i feel like spanking kelly kelly)

-[Pd]-

Why do I try to be
what society, keeps telling me
Why do I even care
How to comb my hair, or the clothes I wear
I try to be myself
that feels fake too, How bout you?
Or am I all alone
I feel so wrong, I don't belong

Say it's just a dream
cause that's just how it seems
something better there must be
say it's just a dream

Why do I try so hard
to make people laugh, when it makes me mad
Cause when is it my turn
to sit and observe, content to learn
But I feel like i'm on a stage
and people paid, to see my rage
but it's not what they came to see
I can't succeed, at being me

Life's over much too soon
God wrote the words, but you make the tune
I keep playing yours
Scared to create, I'll make mistakes
They say that men don't cry
but my eyes aren't dry, is that alright
told not to let it show
so nobody knows, the pain that grows.

I fought with love
and I called her bluff
but soon I was facing my biggest fear
cause I walked awaywhen I should have stayed
I looked back, but she disappeared

Screaming out what did I do

When old memories make it harder to breath
cause you know, just what you've lost
and you can't fall asleep cause she's there in your dreams
but you can't get away from your thoughts
when she's on repeat in your head
wishing you could take back things you said
you've loved and lost

She comes on bywith a guy by her side
so you say that you're happy for her
but those eyes that you've missed
are directed at his
you try not to show that you're hurt
but sometimes love just gets away

I'll turn around and leave grace
fullybut I'll never stop wishing you'd come back to me.

currently drinking milk... i dont know why some people dont like that... i say im drinking milk and they are like... ewww gross...how can you drink milk on its own..I LOVE MY MILK ALRIGHT??!!....

anyways.

not much happened today....
i was striped off my sleep... and ran to cab... only to walk back home straight afterwards...

i am so tired right now.. and also feeling abit hot... i can feel my hands swelling up.

im riding on a big emotional and psychotic roller coaster...

...still drinking milk.

...watching david letterman.... lol.. the late show...

tried playing the ukulele today... but its off tune so it sounds crap..

anywhos.. goodnight...

-[Pd]-

hm............................................


been having a shit day....

bitchy comments and rumours has been spreading and such.... and im tired of it...
its affecting both my personal and professional life...

if you have something to say to me... THEN FUCKING SAY IT TO ME!!!....
i wont hit you.... not unless i need to.

---------------------------------------------------------
well ok then....

did i post sunday?.. probably not.... um...
sunday... it was screaming hot... tired to sleep... but couldnt...
lazy sunday...

monday.. hung out with nicky for abit.... then worked...

and today... finished work at about 2pm... then got the shits with stupid bitchy people...

anyways... not worth geting shitty about... they can say what they want... i know im true.. and the people around me loves me... (i hope) and wont leave because of stupid comments....

people just have nothing better to do.... putting others down to make themselves feel better... yea thats right.. i know how it goes.. its been happening to me all my life... thats right.. go ahead and put me down... i will burst through and kick u over on my way up again...

yea.. anyways..... should have a proper post tomorrow.... sorry guys... been strange the last couple of days... major highs and major lows..

-[Pd]-

currently sucking on a POWERADE bottle blue flavour... Nicky bought me earlier on today..


so today was pretty good.. despite a few hick-ups..
my cousins wedding was on today and i just got back home... thought since my mind is racing.. i might as well blog...

i'm in a worried state of my friend right now... something happened .. and i want to check up on her but i dont know how... i hope shes ok.... i'll contact her somehow...

had fun today.. with my good favourite people, Helen and Nicky finally met... ahhhaha... and it worked out very well... i didnt doubt it... but im happy that it turned out well.. gosh i gotta say, Nicky dressed up so amazingly hot today... so sexy.. lol.. and she kept touching me, and i dont know why...? but hey im not complaining...*GRINS*
OH... lol... and i cant help but be really childish when im around Nicky... and what i did was.. i took all the ribbons that wrapped the napkins on the table... and i started tying bows on her... she looked so cute.. like a gift.. then i took some off because i felt abit ridiculously lame about it.. and i tied it to her handbag... lol..she liked that too... but she let me tie more bows on her at the end.. so about 4 was on her bag and 2 on her... and she tied a bow on my phone like a gift box way.. but it fell off so i tied that one to my bag... ahhhahah...
i like it how she can put up with me at times... i dont think she has ever gotten made at me before... or maybe she has that i dont know about it, but i doubt it coz if she has a problem she will bring it to attention...

um, its a shame my other friend Cynthia didnt come... missed out on food and fun.. i feel so distance with her lately... actually for a while now, its just getting worse and worse.. but i have idea how to approach the problem, because she doesnt say or do much... hm...


i am so tired... havent slept for a while.... probably stress form the wedding planning and the day itself... and if my friends were going to show up...
i say that because i feel somewhat relieved now that the wedding is over... and spent the day with my good favourite people!! ^_^.v

love it.. love spending time with them...

did i say i love spending time with them?... because i do...

at the wedding theres usually this lady that comes in and sell flashing lights and stuff... i was walking Nicky to her car and we saw that lady, and she wanted something... well she said it in a joking way but i wanted to get her something but i didnt bring my bag with me so i had no money on me... so walked her to her car, she drove me back to the place.. and she went and i went back inside... i tried to chase the lady.. but she ran out of those "i love you" bears... so i didnt get anything else coz they were all lightsabors... so i messaged her apologising that i couldnt get her the i love you bears... and she replied calling me sweet, cute and romantic... all in one sentance... lol... that made me giddy... lol.. no point really to this story.. just wanted to point out that i get giddy... ahhhaha....

anywhos.. i am so bumed out and in much need of sleep.....

-[Pd]-