well ........
its my birthday today.... and i am pretty much lonely... didnt even get a proper CAKE!!! ANDI LOVE CAKE!! bought a cake in woolsworth instead!!! BY MYSELF*sigh* it is pretty lousy i suppose.. but alwell.. the day is that matters... but how i choose to spend it..

its going to be new years soon..... and i hope it does man "new year" for me.. i need to start of fresh again... coz this year is the worse year so far in my life...officially and literaly. and i also hope i do better in school than this year!!! GEEZ!!! oh yea. and hopefully get a "proper" partner this time.. someone i can actually stay with this time.... *sigh*

um..... u know what i found out from the last couple of day? i really like to eat prawns!!!! ROFL.... and have u ever eatten it fresh? raw? its beautiful......
and u know what else i found out? i hate planning stuffs!!! GEEBUSSSS!!! i do.. i really really do..... i think i'd rather go out on my own in this case!!! GRRR.... *FRUSTRATED* it is so much more easy to go out by urself.... although it is lonely but you actually get to go out without PLANNING!!!

its been so hot lately i cant feel my legs!!! lol... .... my god.. i want to go to the beach but its too TOO hot (well thats the point but) AND toooo damn sunny...

ANYWHO.......... hope for the future!!!!

laters.. -[Pd]-

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get out...
side the world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

It's hard to wake up,
When the shades have been pulled shut.
This house is haunted, its so pathetic, it makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say, the words rot and fall away
My stupid poem could fix this home,
I'd read it every day
So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone,
Will you remember this night?
Twenty years now lost
It's not right
Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them
It makes no sense at all I see them every day
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants, and it's what she wants,
Then why's there so much pain?

OMg...

Christmas....boxing day.... my birthday then news years (days in order)
OMG i think its time to get drunk and get laid?? O.o..... dont you think? ~_^
LMAO

well i went shopping with Cynthia today.. and bumped into helen and a whole heap of other people... lol... i bought a couple of things and a new belt ROFL... my mum freaked to see it.. it was kinda crazy lol.. um.. the day i was interesting.. i learnt new qulities of different people.. um..well the shopping ended kinda early coz run out of money so yea.. and then.. went home... meet Troung? Truong?... Luu, and walked 3/4 way home with him.... he was different today.. he wasnt as jerky as he usually is at school... he was actually nice.... it was kinda weird but yea.. it was nice.. then i got home... had a shower... ate. then came on net to find only about 6 people were on... now that is 5:42? about 194 people are on .. and i recieved a birthday present from Cynthia and Helen today .. lol.. i was.. well i didnt expect it but it was a book called " a thousand paths to love" by David Baird.. its kinda a um.... wisdom kinda book with talks about love (obviously) and so far i read a lil bit of each section and its kinda "asking too much" but its a good book.. thanks girls.. um.......... i am so tired right now , hm.. i havent had any coffee today.. thats kinda supprising.. so im wearing my new belt right now and its kinda too big for me so i had to punch 2 holes in it so now its still abit big but yea.. oh yea lol.. this morning when i was waiting for cynthia at cabra station.. i was drinking V..(the energy drink) and it was a long neck so.. this really old guy about 60? came up to me looked at me and said.." its only 10 in the morning why are u already drinking alcohol, celebration is over"(christmas i guess?) and i was standing there going.. "sorry but this isnt alcohol" then he sighed, rolled his eyes and said "whatever" then walked away... lol... HOW WEIRD WAS THAT!!... anywhos.... yes.. my birthday is coming up and people are pressuring me to make a party.... but i dont wanna coz i dont feel like it... but im being pressured.... but still im not making one.. i just want a cake lol...... i like cakes lol...

well thats it for now.... laters....

-[Pd]-

i am very pissed off and frustrated and FUCKEN ARGH!!!!!

i cant take it anymore!!! from what u ask? FROM EVERYTHING!!!!

fucken fucks.

grr???

i miss her...... i feeel jealous.... ok the deal is i DO miss and love her!!! but to think of it.. i dont think i want her back with me...this sounds bizar but this is how i feel after like one? whole year maybe more.. of missing her and thinking of her.. n... etc.. that is what i reckon, i have been thinking of her alot lately and its been killing me coz of the fact that i cant get to or with her..and im starting to compare other people with her and its fucken bullshit!!! I AM A FUCKEN RETARD!!!.. why am i stuck on her... what does she have that others dont??!!.i am frustrated... -_-"...

you knwo what?? i and stressed .. i think

well

and u know what? my birthday is coming soon =D.. AND for all ur Kristin Kreuk fans!!( lana lang from smallville,Fiona in eurotrip) she and i (i proudly say) has the same birth day as me ( shes born in 82 me 88) ROFL IN YA FACE!!!!! =D... fucken drink up time ...turning 17 and yet i feel so fucken old!! lol...

um.... bloody school holidays.... its sucks ass... so fucken boring...been drinking too much and fucken babysitting.. ROFL hence... not a very good combination i have here... alwells... i need a gf lol...

um... hi helen,... i know ur reading this .. how you doing,,,,


well anywhos!!! i wanna post more but... dont have anything to talk about so.... laterz peoples!!!

-[Pd]-

just a couple of things over a couple of days

I think that I am jealous. I shouldn’t be. I know I miss her but I shouldn’t be jealous of who she is with or even look at. Loving her one thing and moving on is another. When I first saw her I thought she was alright.. then when the moment came that I just had one look and I know that I’m in love with her, just one moment had captured my heart, I still could remember and visualise it, it was the greatest moment ever, I knew I was in love. Recently I bound and swore that I was over her.. well I was really wrong and to prove that? I typing this. I love her, her smile and importantly her heart. And I love the way she loves me the way she touch and kisses me it is always a comfort and never a force. Sometimes I think im just crazy and that she was too good to be true and we never happened at all. It was all a dream. Another day continued. I keep having dreams of her and it all symbols that I really want her back, well my dreams couldn’t be any more obvious!!!. It all involves her and me back together of some how, but the dream last night.. I think it was showing me if I gain something then something else will be lost? Well it is possible if u think of it, of course I thought about it , that lead me to here as I’m writing it, maybe I am trying too hard or not hard enough to live my life and to get what I want or importantly need… I cant be any more stressed as I am right about now. Actually to think of it I can. I know that things like this cant help itself from happening and there is no way to prevent it from happening so I just need to face it one way or another… and when it comes it hits ya right in the face!!!. Alwells that’s life for ya.oh yea I have another thing on my mind that’s pissing me off!! I don’t wanna say but I know not many people read this anyways so.. yea.. I am sexually stressed and frustrated!!! Grr… it is so pissing … well to me anyways.. and in “situations” I cant do anything about it.. … u know what I mean?.. well if u don’t, don’t worry about it, im not going to make it obvious… I’m opened minded but this is too personal so im going to leave it at that. I feel so tired these days and I’m starting to drink alky a lot again lately and I think Helen is getting annoyed… I remember a couple of nights or days ago I had a mini lecture from Helen… lol… I think I made her abit crazy from me lol… from my naughty habits.. lol.. Helen if ur reading this and I know u will… im sorry .. this is just me. and me is who I am, so who I am is just being me. I found out lately that I really like this girl name Christine and im focused on her but somehow… I always turn back to Duyen… its like I cant move on from duyen. I don’t know what to do… my head is at one point where it is just going to boil up and explode… oh and u know what? I also recently found myself cutting myself more than I did before.. maybe im not as scared as before when I first did it… but I have more cuts now then ever, I don’t know why I do it but I thought about it and I guess it just one of the way or method, if I may , to release some steam. I know its not a good thing but I cant stop it for some reason to another, I think that’s just apart of me.

heyhey kids.. this is nhi .. now on todays show i will be talking jiberish so stay tuned for the bullshit and fuckedup things....

well first of all i juat wanna fucken talk about being gay.. well what is wrong with being "gay"!! its like.. the people tha teases gay/bi people because they are different right?? why the fuck do that for.. have u noticed that they do that and that the same their trying to BE FUCKEN DIFFERENT??!!! to be fucken kool n shit.??!! fucken hipercrites!!! fuck you..
imagine urself in a world where being gay is straight and being straight is gay.. so imagine that the whole worl d is gay and ur the only one thats straight... yea.. imagine that.

and racism what is the deal with that.. i mean i understand that the olden days it means " fight for ur country" and ur country is ur colour and thats how u know its ur people/country. but now... the world is fucken bonding.. just let it be.. why continue fighting for.. just wasting energy. and i know that people have their egos but for the sake of the world GIVE IT A BREAK!!!

oh yea.. and speaking of egos!! i hate it how some people come up to u n go " hey.. how u doin' , u know what im gonna do with you? im gonna give u my number" and its like what the fuck?? then u just wann hit them coz they in ur face?!! YEA MAN i fucken hate the in ya face people!!! and mostly when ur eating and they get right in front of ur fucken face!!! its like half a centremetre from tip of nose to nose.. *sigh*
oh yea... fuck man.. and some people.... takes fucken bullshit so called diet pills and do not show any friggen improvement at all!!! and they seem to eat more and more and more and its like.. they think that that are loosing all that weight but seriously.. have u weighed urself before starting??? and fucken waste ur money and shit? and theres this pacific person at skool FUCK!! i hate her man!!! she does that and fucken hell man.... STICK WITH THE FACTS MAN!!!! and... AND i reckon there is no fucken reason for her to even go to skool anymore!! i mean.. seriously.. she is only there possibily for youth allowance thats if she get it. coz all she really has is fucken english and the rest is free??? fuck that.. kick her outta skool already... and shes so.....!!! ARGH fucken... fuckedface??
ANYWHO!!!

thats alot of anger to pull out!!! i feel a tiny better now... but not really.
OH YEA!! and the people that writes on the friggen toliet walls/doors... GET A LIFE!!!! mostly the skools ones.. fuck man.. get a life..

ok that is all!!! bye bye bnow kidies!!

-[Pd]-

this goes out to someone that was once important person in my life
i didnt realize that at the time
i cant forgive myself for the way i treated you, girl
i dont really expect you to either its just,
i dont even know, just listen
your the one that i want t
he one that i need
the one that i gotta have just to succeed
when i first saw you
i knew it was real
im sorry about the pain i made you feel
that it wasnt me
let me show you the way
i look for the sun but its raining these days
i remember when i first looked into your eyes
it was like, i was there heaven in the sky
i wore a disguise
cause i didnt want to get hurt
but i didnt know i made everything worse
you told me we where crazy in love
but you didnt care when push came to shove
if you loved me as much as you said you did
then you wouldnt have hurt me like, i aint shit
now you push me away
like you never even knew me
i love you in my heart, really and truely
i guess you forgot all the time that we shared
when i would run my fingers through your hair
late nights, just holding you in my arms
i dont know how i could do you so wrong
i really wanna show you
i really need to hold you
i really wanna know you
like no one else can know you
your number one
always in my heart and now
i cant belive that our loves torn apart
i need you and
i miss you and
i want you and
i love you cause
i wanna hold you
i wanna kiss you
you were my everything
and i really miss
i know you gonna sit,
and play this with your new man
and sit and laugh that u holding his hand
the thought of that, just shedders my hearts
it breaks in my soul and it tears me apart
all time i was scared to show u
now i want to hold chu until i cant hold u
without chu, everything seems strange
your name is forever planted in my brain
damn it im in sane, take away the pain,
take away the heart, babe we can make it work
when without looking into my eyes
so make you love me
as u would hug me
i guess everything u said, was a lie
i think about it, it brings tears to my eyes
now im not i even a though n ur mind
i could see it clearly, my love is not blind
lets wish everything could of just turned out different
i had a special feeling about u
its all maybe u did to
u rather understand
no matter wat u would always be in my heart,
and you always be my baby.
i first day it seem so magical
i remember all the times i had with u
remember when u came to my house
you look like an angel wearing that blouse
we hid the door
i knew it was real
but now i cant take all the pain that i feel
reach in ur heart
i know im still there
i dont wanna hear, that you not longer care
remember the time, remember wen we kiss
i didnt think is would do me like this
i didnt think u wouldnt want to see me depress
i thougth u be best for me this i confess
u said u was my best friend
was that a lie
now im nothing to u
your with another guy
i tried, i tried, i tried, and im tring
now in the inside feels like im dieing
and i do miss u
i just thought we werent meant to be
i guess now we will never know
i only thing i want is for u to be happy
rather if ur with me or without me
i just want u to be happy.

-[Pd]-

Duyen is back ........

Your potential? Leave it alone. It's like your bank balance: You always have less than you think

disapointing

Life sucks...... wouldnt u agree?

dont u just hate it when people tell u things that u really dont want to know? well.. i do .. and this isnt a joke. people tell jokes that is funny then thats ok. but whats on my mind... isnt a joke... and if ur wondering what it is that is so disturbing to me? sorry i dont wannt talk about it....... X_X

oh yea.. lol just today... i chipped my tooth... i dont know how but i did.... it doesnt hurt but.. i lick it or touch it sometimes and it kinda feels funny... weird.. not funny... i mean im not laughing... oh yea.. and i had my hair cut today as well. its pretty short =S but its ok....


my love life is a hell as well... -_-" i dont know why i bother.... -_-" i should just sit back and let it flow..... ok... in a period of about um... 10 months? ( since a really great relationship aka duyen) i'v had...... about 5 relationships... and its all gone bad. 3 out of 5 is because of me and my duyen problem -_-' ans the other 2? i dont really know... and right now i am currently in a relationship with richard.. i think i mentioned him in my last log in.... hows it going?.. its um.. going.. ok i guess...i feel it ending soon.. but i dont know.

um...

skool? .. havent been there much i must say... -_-" = no comment on skool =S

my left ear is still kinda deaf... and its a pain... i cant hear u people talk...

i thought i would knwo most of the things of my life and me... but truth be told.. i dont know jack shit about "Me" ... such a shame... all i'v been doing is wasting my life. with drugs... alcohol... parties... girls... guys... 'gatherings' etc etc... even skool... im going no where with skool. failing everything.


SLAP ME SOME SENSE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!


"dont try to act like someone else, they could be more screwed up then u think"

~[Pd]~I.L.C.T.K.D~[Pd]~©™

update......ing... lol

my bloody career is going friggen GREAT!!!! *ahem*
yea.. its good.. i came second in the Australian Dj Competition i had.. ^_^.. how great... wasnt first but second is fine lol.. right now.. im playing in clubs AHAHAAHHAHAAH u may have heard me if u go clubbing, and im right now trying to working on a cd if possible so its great. got the $$$ as well hehe but boy do they run out the pocket fast!.
well thats the best highlight of alllllllllllllll.......

um.... i have a new boy on my hands.. heheh his name is Richard but he calls himself Rich lol. this may sound weird to most people but he is my ex's brother.... actually more like step brother.
richy is smart, sharp pyhsically and mentally, funny, laid back aka KooL lol, and such and such. and he is half vietnamese and chinese.

school starts tomorrow. =/... lol but i have workplacement. arghhhhhh.... dressing up again..... far out .... and the travelling and the breaks..... negociated.... blahblahblah...

um... in general life...... its ok. missing a few of these and that but it beariable right now. but my mood? isnt so good.

"the only way u can get someone to respect you is to respect yourself."

~[Pd]~I.L.C.T.K.D~[Pd]~©™

Is there a time or stage in your life where u just suddenly drop everything your doing and sit there and ask yourself " What Happened? why is it like this." and you sit there for hours.. days even thinking about it and have no answer but come up with more questions?

How has ur life changed you.... or how did you change your life.
is it good? or bad. are u free? or stuck.
when u make decisions u always have a responsibility and consequence on your hands.

is it possible to watch yourself die? ( im not talking about a mirror.. think outside the circle man..)

I find it very hard to trust myself these days.i dont know what i did to myself to be this way but its here... but on the other hand.. my life has lifted a little bit, which is a good thing, i think that this school holiday is helping me... relax abit, and have some me time.um.


update with my drug addiction... i am on the level of quiting lately.. trying really hard.. but still tempted.. alot.. been smoking..... *ahem*... im addicted to alot of things..... alcohol.... drugs... smoking... etc etc.

um... im screwed arnt i......

expressing myself.

you know what drives me crazy the most right now?
my family. know why? because.
because they think they could do EVERYTHING they want. its like their invinsible. it makes me sick..... and today the most thing that drives me crazy is my bro.he felt sick today... so i help him out u know... get himsomething to eat...and such.... and have u noticed that every guy.. when they are sick.. the whole friggen world has to know? MY GOD!!!! fa out ... its like.... he friggen lay around the house repeatedly saying " oh.. i dont feel too good.. i think im gonna vomit... wow im spinning out" then he goes hey do this for me do that for me.... its like FUCK OFF MAN!! let me be. and the other thing is.... when they ie family gets pissed off.. they do all these shits like kick the door.. etc.. and no one says anything.. and when i do say something its like.... "what... so what... i can do whatever i want" blah blah blah... then when i do it.. its like their out to get me... its like i just killed someone and running from the police!!! bloody hell give me a fucken break!!! *sigh* far out i cant do anything in this family..... and yet at the same time i do everything!!!*sigh* omg do u know how that feels? my fam thinks i dont do anything... all they think i do is... use the net to chat.. watch tv , eat and sleep all day. but far out i do alot more than that.. more like everything.... wash dishes.... provide and cook food. clean the house. PAY FUCKEN BILLS!!!! plan financally..... FUCK i do alot. and its all major as well.
FUCk i cant even sleep in...... and u know what the sick thing is.... i find this disturbingly dispecable (i dunno how to spell it lol sorry) this is the one thing one how they think i will wake up by..... " hey wake it its 9:30 ...i got food if u wake up" FUCKEN HELL just coz im fat doesnt mean i want food!!! and another thing is when they say the time... lets say its 10:o0 right now... well they say its 1:00.... doesnt that piss you off???? it pisses me off. everything pisses me off..

WELL now thats out of my system ^_^.......
im allllllll mostly good now lol... thanks for reading lol....

laterz... ~[Pd]~

STAY KOOL \m/d[>.<]b\m/™©

To my sweetest Kristine.

You, my girl, are the greatest in the world. I don’t know how life is going to be now that your gone, I wish that death hasn’t caught up to you yet and I’m hating myself for not being there more for you than I have, I know u needed me but I wasn’t thinking that it would be this bad. I’m so sorry. I am so sorry that I’m such a bad person and not being there for you.. u have always been there for me through everything, all I can do now is cry even that cant do anything, yet I’m still doing it. I hope where ever you are girl.. please be careful and safe and most of all enjoy yourself. I prayer for you. If only I could hold on to you right now things would be so great. But I can’t because your gone. You are so beautiful. I miss you so much. And it hurts so badly.
I remember the last conversation we had a few hours before you left. It feels like I lost a part of me I thought we would be there till the end, but the end ended too fast, I don’t know what to do. I always thought that I was the one that protects you from everything absolutely everything but I am wrong and I realized that u were the one that protected me. I remember when u use to be mine way back in the days… but I was too young to love u right. So we let go of that and be friends, close friends we became over the years I guess I don’t need to tell u that ^_^ life was so great with u around.. now? It just hurts so much. Why is life so crazy…. Well or is it just me… I don’t know but with ever it is I don’t like it. I feel so empty so shaky all the time and so many sleepless nights. I failed all my exams. All of them. I try to smile but only for a while it stays. I’m not blaming you I’m just saying how much this has impact me. I cherish you girl, and all the times we had together. I think I’m just blabbing not but.. but all I want to say is that I love you sweety and I will always remember you and remember all the things u have told me. So where ever u are girl…. R.I.P. I prayer for you.

Lots of love… from me Nhi Tran.






On other notice….

Things are pretty much crazy. Failed all my exams, I care but at the same time I don’t care. I keep seeing Duyen for some reason seriously I don’t know if it a sign or just coz it happens… and I had a sudden eye contact from Sara I didn’t know if she smiled or doing this = to me. So I dunno… im trying not to think too much at the mean time.
Oh yea.. and the guy that I met.. I gave up on him.. also the girl.. I don’t feel like getting with anyone at the moment. I just want to sit here and not think. But lately.. I have been thinking.. is yr7 and yr11 a big difference? Is it wrong? A yr 7 and yr11 getting together… well answer me on that…
Hm… whoa this whole thing took me 3 hours so far to write lol…
I recently contacted my g’sis (aka godsis) over in Belgium and u know what I found out..? she and Nancy knows each other…( ok recap nancy is a girl I met in Belgium and dated ( not serious though) for a long period of time. And I may have mentioned her somewhere in one of my blog article), it kinda took me by surprise lol… of course, and Nancy told my g’sis everything that happened.. and now im not so proud of it -_-“. Um… oh yeah hey calls a shout out to the roxy crew and jay’s crew and also mine lol.. and also the dancers!!!!!!

School SUCKS but then,…… actually yea it sucks. Fail all exams. Even tough lol.. I did fail for math… my teacher wants me to move up ROFL… funny guy!!!.. man I so want to leave school but I cant because the pressure of parents, the only reason they want it is coz they want to show of to their friends “ oh my kids are great they are so smart they in uni “ blah blah blah….. well I cant say that about all parents… coz some just wants them to have a good future.

Um. Gee this is long…. Well forgive me coz I haven’t updated for awhile.
OH YEAH !!!! AHAHAHAHAH SYDNEY SWANS WON THE FIGGEN AFL GRAND FINALS !! and I also made $500 from it lol… coz I won the bet ROFL… lol… now isn’t that KooL or what?!! WOOOOOOOOWHOOOO lol… SWANIES!!!!
*ahem*

well I guess that’s it. Now that took 3 hours and 20 mins to write up lol…
so long guys…
peace out wherever you are

~[Pd]~

erm..... excited? or maybe not...... -_-"

well the thing is... at moonfestival.. recently... i met a really nice girl.. and shes on my mind for awhile.. and cought up with some of old friends and exs'... and like.. yesterday? i went to the city i was sitting a seat separate this girl.. she seems cute... and she was in skool uniform.. so i dont knoe what year she was in.. and shes probably from a christain skool.... and i coulnt stop looking at her? for like one hour straight? lol.. ( well the time from canley to city) then.. on the way home... i saw this really cute ( almost perfect to me ) guy!!! omg.. i was looking at him so dreamingly lol... then i just had to move coz i started noticing things about him (which made me like him more?) but when i moved to another seat.. i could still see him.. hehehe.. wasnt meant to.. but then.. this was like another way for me to stare? at him more without him noticing lol.. then.. i was wondering with stop shes gonan get off... hehe... he went off when i got off.. hehe i was kinda shocked... then i went to a friends house.. to get my bike to ride home.. well on my way home i would have to need to ride pass his house?( yea.. i saw him turn so i was assuming) then i ride pass him.. and he said hi!!! ^_^... we talked for awhile... then it got late so i had to go home.. *SCREAM* , SO THEN... she asked if i wanted to come over today after my exam.. OMG i so wanted to but then i cant.. it was too early to be going into his house.. lol.. (i have my limits lol- sometimes i hate it but its the safe way to go) so then.. when i got home.. i went for a nap.. i was hoping for a long long one coz i was (am) really tired... yea.. i napped for like 5-10 mins.. then bro came running in and asked if i wanted to go watch Charlie and the chocolate fractory.. so i did....... so.. of to the station once again hehe.... THEN I SAW HIM AGAIN!!!!!!!! we talked longer this time... got his number!!! hehehe *woohoo* lol... he called me just then.. hehehe he so cute & sweet... ANYWHO...
*ahem*
the girl i met at moonfest..... her name is.. susan cheng ...SHE is also cute & sweet.... had a nice time with her on the night...

OMFG the guy i met... drives a black lil toyota echo.... and guess who else does!!! DUYEN...... friggen... i was like *WHAT>??!!* do u think thats a sign? coz i saw her the morning of the day i met him...
hm.... i should stop thinking of superstitiously... Well i did say to myself i would love to see her again.. so i did. so why am i complaining..... hm.... i dunno.. coz thats me? lol..

well anyways.... cya
~[Pd]~

SICK IN THE HEAD.....

I AM A VERY SICK PERSON!!!!!!
last night i dreamt i was at a market and i saw a a family arguing ( mum, dad, lil girl about 10? and a boy about 3 years of age) i saw it... i heard it.. then i saw the boy wonder away.. then i ran up to him grapped him and ran out of the store (with them chasing me) then i cut a corner... and i saw myself chopping and sliching up the kid,.. blood was everywhere!!! then i put it in a bag and continued running. then i woke up vomiting!!! and couldnt get back to sleep.
i sat there for that rest of the night thinking about it and i dont understand why that happened. why would i do that... i love kids. i dont hate people (though people do hate me).. and the family i saw was very familiar to me... i could name the family.. but i wont. this is horrifying!!!! i mean like... if u know me... i have a feel for blood but NOT IN THIS WAY!!! omg... i feel sick as im writting this up.
I Need Help....... my dreams lately... have been really crazy. so scary... violent.. death. etc...... and always waking up vomiting!!!!! (its like ewwwwww lol..) maybe all my horror movies are getting me and joinging it with my reality. is that possible?

YOU KNOW WHAT??!!
IM DONT LIKE TO BE PUSHED AROUND BY FUCKEN HOES ALRIGHT.. YOU FUCKEN YR 9 SHITS THINK YOUR SO KOOL COME HERE AND I'LL FUCKEN NAIL YOUR FUCKEN UGLY BITCH FACE IN!!! YOU HEAR ME??!! IF U FUCKEN TOUCH ME OR EVEN FUCKEN BREATHE ON ME AGAIN.. IMMA SERVE U RIGHT FOOL SO DONT BE MESSING WITH ME.



oh yea... had alil misunderstanding with a few people just wanted to say sorry. with the phone calls and text messages.)

Lips are turning blue
A kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
My beautiful
Tiptoe to your room
A starlight in the gloom
I only dream of you
There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth burns deep inside
And will never die
And you never knew
Our wrongs remain unrectified
And our souls wont be exhumed.

=(

i just had the news that i am going to loose the family dog =(, i dont really know him but still i cant help but feel sad in this situation (duh!!) im going to miss that guy...
so this is a message to him.
hey boy...
i never really knew you.. i wish i had given effort to get to know you but now its too late... i know that u are a great dog. and this should give u a lil more freedom then what is provided in my family and our backyard... ur a beautiful dog boy.. u really are. so where ever ur steps take u... enjoy it boy... enjoy it...
R.I.P Milo....... ='(

why do i miss her.... is it because i actually love her? or just miss having her around.. or just simply miss having someone there.. right next to me all the time.
i really dont know to this point.. i have my doubts... i have my hopes. and one thing for sure is i miss her.

i need anger management.... i did a bad thing im not pround of but yet i am? its the passion that counts i guess. as to this means blood feels good so... yea.


um.. skool is still giving me the shits.... um... stress......

um... still thinking about pacific people.... aka sara... duyen.... hm... (talked about duyen up there in the green).. um..

JUST IN A BAD MOOD

I'M GOING TO BEAT UP AND MURDER SOMEONE IN MY FAMILY AND KILL ANYONE THAT TRIES TO STOP ME.


well that felt better. saying that made me feel better^_^. maybe i should do it for real so i would feel even better!!! coz im sick of getting to shits. im an individual and not owned by anyone. and im sick of the shits im getting. FUCK OFF. dont talk to me if ur just simply gonna piss me off.
F@%^^&(&^#$^@%#%Q@#%$HU^%HL^KQ@)%!#$()&%!@(*$@#)$*(@)$*(!@ #)* %!@ )%*)$%*)$%(!_$%(!*)%(K BOQWERUW()*T)$(*OWRIWPERI)@#*%ORJOEIR)#*@%&*#$)^*%()#_$(I.


*deep breath in and out* yup.. definatly feel better.

i will. kill. just wait and see. just wait for it. and i'll get away with it as well ^_^ no one will be able to lock me up.^_^

just watch me.

Things are so different now you're gone,I thought it'd be easy I was wrong.Even though I'm with someone new, all I can think about is you.Thoughts of you are in my mind always,Like a memory that I can't erase, it's here to stay. everything that you meant to me,Is written in the pages of my history,



Why can't i move on.....???!!! its over.... its the past...yet why can't i move on!!!
i have a bf now!! i should be happy!!! but why arnt i... why.... why am i still thinking of her.....

when you set a goal... it seems so hard to get there... don't you think?
have i said i've given up on sara? i thought i did... but she and the avoiding thingy poped back on my mind again today... been thinking about it all day, lol saw her all day, bumpd into her.. um... 3 times? today.. felt weird!! and i thought about it.. and i shouldnt be feeling weird. at sport i had a talk with my friend and some problems she was having... and to tell you the truth... i have never saw her so upset n sad and confussed since.... ever. and during the talk.. i said some things to her that made me realise that i should be taking my own advice as well, about conflict...... and such. i dont know why i dont do it.. maybe its because its happening to me and that i dont think on whats actually going on and stuff. and others your thinking for them..well whatever she choose to do.. i hope her well!!!

I have been having alot of different sorts of dreams lately. about sara.. duyen... ricky(tran).. fiona... scary monsters... fantasy land.... etc etc. and its all almost weird everytime. im a lil disapointed in saras and duyens dreams.... it all ends with me dying some how. =S ... maybe thats a message im suppose to take in from them.. but yet again.. its just a dream... -......

i've been trying this.. newself thing my psychologist told me about and trying to put me to try it out if it helps me control myself better and not be so crazy. and its giving me the shits!!! i'v been in bad moods since a week ago.. i hope the bad mood goes away soon... right now.. im either too high or too much of a bad mood.


SchooL..... is also giving me the shits... everything is bloody friggen limited in school BESIDES WORK!!! grrr... and what also is giving me the shits at skool is that i see the people that i cant interact with.. and i really want to. im not saying they are pacificly giving me the shits,, its just the FACT that i cant talk to them is.=/ but what can i do. i tried.

i have more to say .. but cant really put it in word at the moment... so seeya

~[Pd]~

Sad day today...... felt too lazy!!! and alot of things on my mind.

I had a really long think about what i should do with Fiona -_-".............
about only 2 weeks since me n her started going out. but is not going well! the reason being is that she is unfaithful aka cheating... its rather on me or on the other dude. which ever way, i dont like it.. nor the other dude lol.. well now im trying or made clear that its over..... shes still around.

on that kinda case.. i'v brrn thinking about/of Duyen alot again.. to this point i dont know if its a good thing or bad thing anymore.

well!!! school sucks right now.... cant keep up... still having peer problems also.


my toe is getting better!!^_^ so is my head? but not sure about my health is getting better...
havent been sleeping for about 3 weeks now. =./

life sucks....ROFL

Fuck 'em all

" i want to date someone because i am bored!"

this - means different story.

" i want to date someone because i am bored!" i cant believe i actually said that!! -_-" i dont know if i meant it or not but i said it. and it sounded pretty stressing to me... for sure because i have never had that thought, ok i think what i meant was to pick up someone becuase i am bored. but i said " i want to date someone because i am bored!" ok some of you may think this is no big deal but i think its a big deal lol.. coz its... stupid? basically. the thought to going out with someone .. to be is a big deal. even a fling is a big deal and its not suppose to be lol!!!.
i just cant believe i said it. -_-"

eyyyy..... i don't really know what i'm saying..... if u get all that up there.. lol u know me pretty good.^_^
-
ok.. on other news. i broke my toe. lol... how? had a hit and run accidient with a car and obviously they. more like HE ran away... what happened? well i was crossing a crossing and a car speed past as i was half way thru to the otherside and i got hit and he drove over my foot to get away so now my poor big toe is broken.. well for 2 weeks now.. i just got out of bed =/ so here i am back on the net ^_^ hehe... so im ok now. still in pain but im ok ^_^.
-
oh yea. on another hand i have met a girl. and shes um.. pretty kool? lol.. her name is Fiona. yea.. lets leave it as that.
-
went to a party at joey's and it was pretty lame? lol.. sorry guys. but if u call it a party than it shouldnt be like that lol.. but i guess different people have different ideas of parties and gatherings.. nah man it was alright.. although i didnt drink met a couple of new people. nice people.
i had control over the music :D so that was kool. mixed up the "party". lol...

well thats all.

[Pd]

well.. at this point all i really want to do is just sit here.
i dont want to do anything anymore.. they all seem so useless in the end. not feeling any proud or happy either. just feel. on a certain point of empty. but there.
i think i'v caused enough trouble. i just want to leave now. that i know i can. its so kinda frustrating that people want me to stay but dont even know me, like.. out of no where i'm important. where has that come from?! since when do people notice me. i want to leave sooner than i'm suppose to. like now would be good. theres so many ways i could yet im still here!. why? i can honestly say i dont know. everything is over. its done. its gone. i give up upon everything.
And one thing.. i cant stand that is... Friends!!! at first.. they are all " hey man,, i care.. " etc... and one lil miner thing comes and their gone before u can say hi. or if its just something they didnt expect from you has come out. they gone. i cant stand that. Really i cant. u trust them.. u be honest and they leave u hanging with nothing left but hurtfulness?. im frustrated with life now. i cant stand the sight and yet im still here. I guess i dont have a true friend.i only have people to hang out with.. but no true friend. they say that friends last a lifetime, but i guess i dont have friends so they dont. so think about who is your friends and who is ur hang outs.does it matter? u say?. it does.. because who is going to stand next to ur hospital bed when ur dying, who's face are u going to see last,whos tears are u going to taste. u dont know do u. i sure know mine are.. no one. i thank and appreciate all the ones that are here now. but im sure u wont be for long.

why must i be so negative all the time u say? because if u think on what i say its all true. and thats how i see life. harsh and filled up with lies. its all true.


" Funny how everyone thinks that making a promise will somehow help. In the end it will only hurt you more when they break them."

.. dreams and memories ..

Dreams and memories make me feel good ^_^.
But when i step back to reality.. and it tears me apart.
I had a dream last night... it was nice..^_^.. i dreamt of Duyen.. and u know that once your dreaming anything could happen right? well i dreamt that she huged me..^_^ and we were back together..and i felt really comfortable.. you have no idea how comfortable it was.. it even is right now when im thinking of it. then i eventually woke up.. and realised how comfortable i was and continuely throughout the day. i loved it.. well it was close enough of having her back...^_^ so today i would say its a relaxing day.. *big smile*...
oh yea.. in case whos been following my life. the thing with sara....... *sigh*.. i gave up... i do admit i think of her sometimes... but i see her at school and she has so much fun laughing and all and ... i dont want to ruin it. even if its ruining me. to tell u the truth.. i have never been so heartbroken as much as i did/do.have in 2 to 4 of these years... well i do have upsides..but more down sides.. well... i'll list some that has been breaking me... my best friend kathy died Year 2002. lost a girl i wanted to a prick 2002 - 2003? Lost duyen 2004. another friend died 2004.lost some friends 2005. sara left 2005.on drugs 2005. found out im going to die earlier than i thought 2005.
So there you go.
All it is, is that i have a shitty life.. but yet again.. who doesnt... but most of us look upon the highlights...
so yea.. felt like sharing my day so ... ^_^... Talk later... bye bye

..well well well... here we go again.

i am a dump of trash... lol.. and i think that other people are too gooooooood for me...... true or not.... im thinking it... and admitting it.. lol... whenever i write in here... something has happened lol.. as u can tell.... so something has happened.. lol.. MYGOD..... BLOODY OUTRAGES lol.. i feel like im over doing myself here.. um.. theres not much i can say right now but OH MY GOD...... lol..
have u ever... felt so bad in ur life that u just want to shut yourself off and fall? right now... currently speaking.. i am feeling that. im so tired with all these games in life... geeezus im ready to go. but then.. i still have things i want to say to people.. so im not going before i do so.
its late right now... and im just sitting here thinking ... how the hell am i going to talk to them. how the hell am i going to do it.i want to know.like... now would be nice.. omg.. so many things have been happenening so fast.. im feeling the rush!!!. but then i reckon i like the rush lol.. because i find myself looking for the rush all the time... and i just had one hahahaha XD.. hectic.. and also STUPID... hey but i got nothing else better to do but look for the rush..
oh and about my health thing i dont know what i want to do.because all these times.. of me wanting to leave in the first place... now is my chance..^_^... MY FREE ONE WAY TICKET TO PARADISE.... lol.... if it is paradise that is..

truth be told

hey.. um.. i just want to take a moment here to tell you guys that... a couple of days ago.. well last week.. i found out by the hospital that i am sick.... my health is not good. i dont want to say how or what is wrong with me... im just sick. and i know its a consquence... but hey.. i lived my life.... and what am i going to do for the rest of it... they told me that i wont be around longer than about a few years(i dont want to tell it).. not unless i take care of myself that is... like treatments... etc... but.. its fine with me.. i excepted it... ^_^... i dont know if u are.. but i am.. and did. and i also have mentally problems...... so thats physical and mental issues for me... =/.... not coping that well right now... i want to tell all these "pacific people" but it hit me... they dont want to hear me.. nor talk to me.. so i wont bother... they can find out another way. no use me popping infront of their face...... so.. yea.. thats it.... for now...

cya.

Love story...

Where do I begin to tell the story Of how great a love can be The sweet love story That is older than the sea.The simple truth about the love she brings to me Where do I start with her first hello She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine They'll never be another love another time.She came into my life and made the living fine She fills my heart.She fills my heart with very special things With angel songs and wild imaginings.She fills my soul with so much loveThat anywhere I go I'm never lonely With her along who could be lonely I reach for her hand it's always there.How long does it last, Can love be measured by the hours in a day I have no answers now But this much I can say.I know I'll need her till the stars All burn away and she'll be there..........

.............

well life sucks doesnt it?
i have recently skipped school twice. to have a little time to myself.. and i started thinking more and more into my problems.. and i realise theres no point. you cant cahnge anything not unless u start again.. all over in the beginning. and time? time will change nothing at all.

actually i dont feel like writting right now..... i'll update later..

...not cool!!!...

(writting in red coz its serious!!!)

IT AINT COOL TO PICK ON OTHERS!!!!!! mostly your peers. here.. i want to post this to get something straight.
My friends went on a school camp with the rest of my year. and today they came home.. she told me that she didnt have anyfun at all with the rest of the year . WHY???? because she felt that she was being picked on!! and i really seriously do not like my friends being picked on.. when she told me about it.. i am ready to fight. but she told me not to make a big deal out of it.. and just let her settle for awhile. so now i just have to wait. she said the problems was.. and i point out that she is and my friends are oversea students. and that is why they are being picked on. and if i found out who did it.. ITS ON!!! SO FUCKEN STAY AWAY FROM THEM!! *ahem* and i dont see why they should be picked on. just because u are born elsewhere doesnt mean ur a FREAK . i for one was born here in Australia.. and i see no different if i was born on the moon!!. why do people pick on others? to make themself feel bigger.... WHAT FOR!!!!! we are all the same for gods sake. get it through ur friggen head!!! the world is for peolple to share. there is a place for everyone... then why the unexceptance!! i seriously ask u. Why do you pick on others..?.. it makes me really pissed off when people are abused or harrased and things.. i feel like this is a fucked up world. and so many fucked up people are in it. its just like a class of students right? u have the good ones.. the bad ass people and the beign picked on and the ones picking. so why does that happen.
i want all of you to realise that we are all the same.. and think about why u pick on others... why all the crime... nature is be taken cared off not rejected and abussed. and we are nature.


(ps. if i hear anything more goes on with my friends.. the people that are doing it better watch out. so my school Canely Vale High School u better watch it!)
I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE!!! I WILL GET YOU!!

..hm...

i dont seem to care about much these days.........and i just kinda noticed so. because right now. just then im just thinking and alot has been happening. and im not excited at all. just really lame feeling. just not out there anymore. lost concentration on things... only focused on two things i reckon.
Just then... i had a phone call that i have been moved and rated up to second for my Dj carree.. and so far im not excited... and like a month ago.. i was rated third and i was hell excited.. i'm too distracted.!!!!.too distracted with my lonesome heart. and now im starting to think that i dont want anything but some to love and to love me back. my carree is worthless to me. my future is also.all i really want and need is someone who cares and to be with.
i'v also been in a suicidual state lately as well. on Friday i was(suppose to) kill myself.i didnt do it because to think of it.. killing myself infront of someone that iw ant to get the point into is worthless, i mean the message would be loud and clear.. but its so... stupid. altho i am stupid....i didnt want to go that way. i did before but not now.
All i want is for people to understand me. but no one does. they just leave. just that simple.

Forbidden

what am i doing..... im making myself suffer. i get myself in all these troubledsome places and i cry for help. Why the F**K am i doing it for. Drugs. Alcohol. love. suicide. Duyen. Sara. I pull myself to all these things and i dont cope and breakdown. I really dont know what im doing.i dont know what to do.. im going out of my mind. i stay away at night thinking of what i really want. i think of the ones im missing. Cry. Cut myself. drink. as i have said I AM PATHETIC!!!!!
i tried to talk to sara today.. i held back.... why..? i dont know. i want to get things right with alot of people esp Duyen and Sara. them. biggest and most important people in live... one left and one seeming wanting to leave, or in the process of leaving. people i want.. need in my life always seem to leave me... What am i doing wrong. the trust side of me has gone now. i believe but dont trust like i use to anymore, im hopless at heart. actually hopless in mind. body and soul. i wish i have never been born. i know this is where people go " oh dont say that.. what about all the good things that happened" well people.. all the good things stab me in the back. heart. im hurt. i am truly hurt.physically, mentally and emotionally. and its all my own fault. no one else is to be blamed. u just cant blame someone else for your bad life, because its your life, i repeat, "your" life so u take paths and roads to make ur life journy.. u stop along the way to pick up things is your own fault..... There is no such thing as a happy life! i mean it. always.. there is something wrong.
i'v visited the cemetry again. To visit Kathy that is. and i just had my usual look around. and i found a new grave(funeral). 2 of them.. right next to each other. it was a couple, then i thought to myself.. isnt that nice.. they died and buried together. i came over to see... listen.. and to my knowledge they had a car crash back from their anniversary...they were a young couple. and i thought.. like i always do. i think... its like.. what if my life ended tomorrow. u know? whats gonna happen... i Dont know. do u? what if it ended right now. how is it gonna happen and whats next. Where am i gonna be buried. who will remember me.. more like.. who will care. not many i reckon. they dont care about me now.. then why should they then. No Use. i've noticed im very suicidual. aint i? and negativly thoughted. i have a wish. a dream... hope whatever u want to call it. i just want Duyen and Sara to know that i miss them very much. and they are the most important people in my life even if im not in their life. they the only people i really trusted... loved. or still Love.
Life is how it is.

hm...

Life is a funny thing.. at least i think mine is. well Funny or just really pathetic!!! whatever i want always seem to slide through my fingers. and things i need are just slightly griped. and what is not needed.. sticks around.
I think i am pathetic. i always want forbidden things. "Thats Life" im told. partly yes. but no. I CANT EVEN THINK!!!!. my head is not straight thinking, everything that has been going on its driving me up the walls.
OK
i Want to be straight forward here. I want two Girls. too selffish... i want one... or the other.one left my life.. the other.. im not really sure .. if shes in or out off my life. i think u guys know who im talking about, yea... Duyen and sara. Duyen i Love.. and sara i really like, both like other people. leave me hanging here by a thin string, all i want is not to be lonely... but i always am. no one likes me. i am a failer and a loner. =(.............
i repeat

I AM A FAILER, LOSER, LONER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life suck

Life sucks.

people make death sounds so nice and peaceful. dont they? and being alive itself , well pretty much sucks. i reckon dead people are lucky to be gone from this scary harsh world of ours. i think being alive is a point made to let us see and apriciate the death. like as we say "repect the dead". yea?
this is how i see it. life is pain. death is reward.

i want to continue but it seems pointless saying it all. so... cya.

PeanutDevil aka Nhi

um..

um.. i just told a girl i liked her... and this has never happened before but i feel really really weird and awkward. she is a really good.. well great friend.. but am i putting it all on THE line??..i didnt know what i was doing neither i know what i am doing now. she says she ok with it.. but is she? i dont really know.. and seeming now that im not.. Do u readers remeber i mentioned alot about a girl name Duyen? i mean i still have feelings for her... and i still wanna be with her.. i think im just confussed that i think this girl i think i like now... i dont really know.
What is going on..... WAIT am i overreacting? i think i am. maybe i do like this girl... and trying not to coz maybe i still wanna like Duyen. maybe thats it. or maybe i am just confussed and jumped. there is so many possiblities to fall on to. this could be a new start for all my thinking. But.. Do i really know what im doing? i think not!!!!!


THE bottom line drawn is that i am really confussed and i really dont know what to do or do next.

The past? or the now.

PeanutDevil.

Love? what is it.

i noticed that today my brother and i are feeling the same.. well almost. i guess we are both stuck in the past.in other words.. he misses his ex and i miss mine. its obviously hard to move on once u are in love, im not sure about what my brother feels but i know that i am in love. like my beloved ex use to say to me..."things happen for a reason, some for the better and some for the bad." .
Love. is it an illusion felt in the heart? or is it something real. then so. what is it and why is it real or not?.but the thing is... what i think about love is. is it a good or bad thing. i ask that because i see so many suffer because of love.

"What if."

Aaahhhh the amazing "what if" question. well isnt it amazing how many times you say that statement? its like.. i reckon u even say it more than you say a simple hello or good bye. Right? its like how often do u say hi to some one when you meet them. but in the conversation that you realise saying 'what if' repeativly .... its like for example, hi, how are you.... etc.. etc... hey what if i did this... or what if i did that... then what if i do that and this happens. etc...etc... ok bye bye.
do u now see my point? i am only writing about the 'What if' is because i have been thinking or you could say i have been saying it alot in the past hour.
I dont see myself a day without saying 'what if' its just not possible, and mostly in this stage of life im facing... its 'what if' everywhere. i think that its part of our common simple minded vocab. we have a simple mind and we are the also complicated bunch. lol how does that work u ask? lol i have no idea but to me it makes sence.

im sorry for not finishing off this post. but my net time is running out and i am too lazy to come back on.. so this is an end right here..

thanks for reading.
PeanutDevil aka Nhi Tran

flash....

I saw a friend on drugs have a panic attack and totally freak out today.. and i realise how scary it is when u think everyone is after you to get you. Or you think everything is falling into you. and all that make you think of all the things that had happned in your life. i was so scared when she freaked out... i didnt know what to do or what would happen next.. its just like who knows whatever happens , happens. and u really need to be perpared for that. i mean.. its like.. the sky could fall on you at anytime. anything could happen. and truth be told.. i dont think even god knows what will happen. I am sorry to the faithful believers of god, but can you really depend on him when the world does come crashing down on your door step?. i have seen many stuffed up things.. death... craziness ( overall) drug addictions... everything.. and recently alot had happen as well. here. just recently.. a couple of days ago.. i was in a car crash with another person ( in the same car) and she was badly injured and had to go to the hospital and she still isnt out of there.. and here i am sitting here thinking how lucky i was to be out of it without even one slight sight of a scratch. and now... my friend is having a break out on drugs. this world is crazy. and it is us.. the people that made it so. There is alot to think about life and the world. And what we make it and how we build it and alot of scary things happen and heaps of decisions waits for making. i cant say pick the right path... because there is no right path... it is seriously what we make our life to be is to be. not by chossing paths. no such thing as rights and wrong , its what comes along.

Peace. Stay Focus
PeanutDevil. aka Nhi Tran

I have a sudden thought of how ... life or the world in general is going to end.... lol.. i had this thought when i was in coles buying stuffs lol.. OMG COZ THEY WERE SO CHEAP lol...wouldnt you have that thought at least somehwere in your mind? lol... its like... gee... whats going on... are we getting ready for somthing to happen? is that why things are so cheap? lol...
i think that something will happen to the world soon... i know its a negative thought but that is what i think.

WELL i am so tired but just wanted to post sumthing up so yep....

Peace out..
Peanut.

memories

well.. i just noticed a picture.. well more like a painting, .. in my art room at school. and its a painting of a girl with a guitar. she is set with a guitar outside on a grass field and shes wearing a light blue traditional vietnamese dress and just playing the guitar. And it reminded me of duyen, and the time when we were still going out. and she wanted to paint a picture with a girl n guitar, just like that except with the girl looking up to the sky , leaning on a wall or a door and playing the guitar. i remeber so well because she got the idea from me, i was the one with the guitar. But i dont knoe if she actually did do it.
its just that whole image... it really reminds me of her. actually almost everything does.... do u know that feeling? i think u do. bcoz.. i know this coz i think u are helen... or sara.. or if ur not then im really surprized... someone has actually viewed my blog..
um. as was on my nick "who i am will influence who i will me and who i am is not here anymore and is never coming back. but only my bads."


Peace.
PeanutDevil.

is it.

Is it wrong to love or still love someone when they dont love you ? or anymore? Is it wrong for me to say that i still love Duyen? or am i just kiddin myself.

Well my friends, is all this weighing on your mine like so is mine? i sit here and think of her .. like always? u say? well yes like alway.. and i start to really realise how much i really do care for her but it is really too late fore anything o happen anymore. i wish it could. even just friends is fine. i just want her at least some where in my life again.. and not just in my heart n mind. i want to share about alot of things but.. i dont know how. im not good with words lol.


I had a dream last night. and i am not sure if i should share it on here.. well anywhere in a matter of fact. and now.. i am so tired.. i need to sleep...
good night n sweet dreams / good day and enjoy it.

Peace
PeanutDevil.

sumthing sumthing

I’ve been feeling this emptiness for some time Tryna make do But my world has been so crazy Living without you Now I’m a man and not ashamed to admit my faults Now that I know But the only thing that matters now is I should never let you go So every night before I go to sleep I prayThat the Lord would one day somehow Send you back my way Baby I miss you I need to be back in your armsI never stop loving you My heart is where you belongBaby I miss you Before heaven and earth pass awayLord please show me what to doTell me what to SayCuz were come too far to let it slip awayWoowoow…Cause were come too far to let it slip awayCouldn’t understand many things in my lifeHow much you ment to meNow I’ve been prepared to be everything That a man Baby Don’t know that else to say or doIt’s hard to get through every night and every dayKnowing I let you walk awayIt’s killing me insideFeelings so strong I can’t hideSo Lord Help me get through this day and night I’ll do anything to have you back in my life is supposed to beMm... I don’t wanna be alone no moreKnow that my heart can’t take itNot a day has passed Since you’ve been goneThat I thought that I could make itOhh babySo every night before I go to sleepI prayThat the Lord would one day somehowBring you back my way


i really seriously am gona do it. i am going to Leave. im sorry to all and yes.. im sorry..

..*tears*...true confessions

i feel so sad and heart broken and lonely... and all the signs of depression. i really really want to cry!!! as tho im writting this at the moment .. tears ARE coming down my cheeks.!!!

DUYEN I WANNA TELL YOU THIS STRAIGHT RIGHT HERE AND NOW!!!

I LOVE YOU!!! Duyen... i love you... baby i do... im sorry i pushed you away... it was my bad ... but it was for the good and maybe in that scence i think it still is... but.. im feeling so much pain... i miss you so much... I Love You So Much.
i only told you that lie is to push you away. because u being with me is too much presure. at one point u told me that whenever ur with me.. its wonderful but u were lying or betrying your mum... and i didnt want u to feel that way and wanted you to be happy. so i did what i thought was best. by pushing you away and u hating me so im totally out of your life... and i think my plan worked too too TOO WELL!!!

and so that is what is or was going on.. and what i want to tell you but i dont know if i should or not... i figured not but i just cant keep it to myself anymore. its been 7 whole months already... and i really miss you... i think of you. i dream of you... i get paranoid and i see you everywhere even your car!!!. almost everyone reminds me of you.

Thats all i wanted to say......

well well well................-_-`

WELL WELL WELL!!!! im thinking of her once again..... well.. its been.. about 6 months since she left me.... duyen i mean... i dont know.. but i........ i really miss her and... i do love her so much....


-----------(( DUYEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! ))-----------

what a day

you know what... what da hell kind of day was today!!! everyone.. well most of the people around me were/ was or are sad or upset in some way, including me. i dont understand i mean lol its FRIDAY lol people should be happy because of the weeknd. but then there are or always other problems. for me.. i have experienced alot kind of problems and trouble,. yea.. im gonna like a person that looks onto/into the dark side alot, i mess with it. i experiment LoL. I'm crazy i know.. but i would like to know.. different parts of things.. of life... explore it. "time runs out, so make it worthwile ur interest and imagination".

Yes our time is running out.


A person... that.. is always cheerful. happy. laughing and smiling.. are they hiding something or are they are actually happy with life...
i dont think there is someone in the world that is happy with their life. but if there is i'd like to meet them.

I'm a miserable person and all this is coming outta me.. lol.. -_-`.
i like to talk about my curious mind. the wise point. ok im actually really tired right now.. so.. good night/day peoples.

Stay chilled n focus.

Peanut.

..eish..

Let me just say this.. i think this is ridiculous... yea.. maybe not in a small sence but in the larger sence i think its ridiculous.. Karah.. yea.. Karah is jealous of Duyen.. yea.. thats right. i dont get it. i really dont know how .. how this is even happening. do i like.. talk about her too much and drove her into this jealous madness? or something?? [ yea. update coz havent been writting in much.. i am now with karah. and Duyen is my ex] well.. even if i am.. im traying really hard not to. yeps *nods* .. i feel like.. seth in The O.C. like being told by ryan on how he talks about Summer so much. i dont even know if it is happening.. now karah is so.. i dunno.. up and jumpy about Duyen.. i dunno what to do! eish.. i mean.. me and duyen dont even talk anymore.. heck she doesnt even want anything to do with me. karah and duyen hasnt met. but why... i just dont get it... Karah.. what is going on!!!!!! omgosh man.. this is just ridiculous and outragous. seriously..

i am so tired and stressed out. from.. almost everything. so that means right now.. im going to sleep. so... good night/day.. whoever u are. oh yea.. and actually i want a comment on this.. about the whole jealous to the ex thing..
well anyways
Stay KooL & Clean lol

PeanutDevil.

...*sigh*... Regrets.. its part of life.

baby its a shame
shame that we go through
things that we go through
when you're in love with me and I'm in love with you
I think that we should talk
talk about our problems
instead of running away
ohh baby its a shame we couldnt work it out
forgot what love was all about.

there are things in life u will always regret about!. actually to really really pin point.. u will regret almost everything you do! dont believe me? then think about it.. rather its your love life.. carrer, education, or just simple everyday things.

and Helen.. if you are reading this.. calm down.. this is not a chrisis!!! LoL
um.. im just point out lil mistakes and steps we make through out life.

continue later... busy..

Discussion

ok... well i just read the newspaper.. and I FOUND SOMETHING INTERESTING!!!
well i'll let u see first n see what u think..

'LONDON: A woman tore off her former lover's testicles when he rejected her advances at a party. Amanda Moti, 24 of Birkenhead, pleaded guilty to wounding after she flew into a rage and yanked off Geoffrey Jones' left testicle. It was later handed back to him by a friend saying "thats's yours". Liverpool crown court heard. Monti will unable to re-attach the organ.'

SO what do u think.. ROFL... pretty painful ey.... but to me.. how did it happen. its like.. how does it ripe off like that.. wouldnt it be harder .. u know..? well there it is read it and tell me what u think about it... this is like a discusssion.... so.. im looking forward from hearing from u guys...

Stay kool.
PeanutDevil.

...I...

I .... im confussed... im stuck.. FRIGGEN LOVE LIFE!!! SUCH A COMPLICATED THING!!

I Love... Duyen
I Like.... others..
I am.. dating one...
I... Still think of Duyen is presents.....

What would you do......

what would you do when u know ur life is crashing. are u just gonna sit there and let it happen? or do something about it.
I think this time.. i am comparing life to a car.. and a road trip.. Its like u are the car and ur life is the on the road.. u will never know what or who you will meet. like for example. a hitchhiker or past a crash.. or simply trees!. and through road trips.. there might be problems like.. ir car breaking down. ran out of petrol, gas etc. streets with no lights. rain.... snow? road block and such.. got me? so now life in comparison. u met people u dont like. um.. problems happen like.. u get into a fight.. ur parents piss u off.. or dis you. ur gf/bf breaks up with you.. trouble at school.. etc.. so.. nothing is a smooth ride.. so u see it in ur life? so do u try to avoid it? or stick ya face in it! well ur breaking down point is like being in a car crash.. it depends on what u hit. how fast. the road condition. and when u hit.. do u try to avoid it? like.. try to turn (steer) away or do u just panic stay in shock and let it happen. and after that the injuries. broken bones.. body.. head.. cuts and such. and the recovery... do u stay alive? do u fight the pain to heal urself? but if u are weak, and take in no help, That is when u have the highest chance of dying. but when u stay strong and fight it .. take in help, u have a higher chance to live... who knows u might be in stable conditon. i think im going too far... but do u get me?
BUT.. what if.. u found out that ur in the wrong car, and everything in the car doesnt belong to you and someone else has gotten ur things. what would u do?.
in life sence. what if u found out ur life is a lie... not by you. but by someone else.
...um... so do you think that your life is in danger?
I do. i wanna tel u guys n gurls about it but... not now? so yea...

Stay KooL & Focus in this case
PeanutDevil.

=Þ Me

-_-` me sleepy me tired me restless me not caring at the moment me missing someone Me Love Duyen me dream of her alot me dreamt of her last night now me confussed alot -_-`



Hahahaha

SOLUTION

sleep. rest. go out. find sumthing to do. get over it. stop thinking about her. just dont think.

??? stupid>?? i think yes

"Do you Love me?"

"Do you Love me?".. how many times have you been asked that.? i for one.. has just been ask that again... no.. sorry not by Duyen.. by someone else..by Nancy... and... Fiona.. GOD i cant take it anymore.. my single life sucks man... i miss Duyen.. i wish i was asked by her rather than Nancy and Fiona. =,/ but its nobodies fault.... could be mine but im not sure lol... but Nancy and fiona are nice people.. i just dont think its gonna happen.. i mean i would like to but.. i still got feelings for Duyen.. so i cant.. and also there are two of them.. so i cant choose either.. but the main is i cant because i still Love Duyen.
yea.. lol.. im just wondering.. as i say.. and so do others "we adore the ones who does not adore us and push away the people who do adore us" yea.. im just wondering why that happens.. i mean everybody does it and i cant say that i dont.. lol as i said in my previous.. "we are a weird lot"..
i wanna know why things happen... so... why do things happen...?.. there are reasons behide everything.. as so people say.. yes that is true.. but dont sometimes when you think.. about a matter or problem and u think.. whats possible reason that is.. and later find there is none?.. i think i have.. a couple of times.. but "LOVE"... can or could u answer to that?.. "do you love me?"... or..."Why do u love me" how can u honestly answer that.... its abit hard.. because to me.. love doesnt have a reason i reckon.. it just comes.. its like.. most people.. when u ask them.. "what do u look for in your perfect guy/gurl?".. and most people probably could answer that.. like.. eg.. um.. someone who respects me and treat me right.. someone tall... dark hair.. rich..etc.. i mean.. is that all nessasary?.. well the respecting and treating is but u know.. the body type.. the voice? ( yes people are picky on that too).. is that all nessasary?.. well i dont think it is.. maybe to some.. but to me.. no. is it to you? you love who u love u cant hide it or force into it... and.. if u are my ex.. any of my ex and reading this... think about this.. have i ever said "I Love You" to you? like in a way that is truly i love you? no? that is correct.. i have only said it to ONE person... and i think u could guess whom. and if u cant.. its Duyen.. she is the only person i said it to. because Love for me isnt a simple thing.. like.. i cant just say it to someone.. Love has a meaning and i respect that meaning.. the emotional.. strong feeling .. but the actual word lol.. just saying so u know lol.. i've had a bad pass.. emotionally and physically. and i could say that im still struggling with some.. or and developed some extra bad things as life goes on.
ok.. i dont think i know what im actually writting now so yea.. thats like.. all i wanna talk about.. so yea...
Stay KooooL

PeanutDevil

The Waiting Game or the is it an act of Insane .

Life is filled wif waitin, waitin for a bus, waitin for someone to call you, waitin for someone to reply to you on the net or just plain waitin for the rite person to just pop down from heaven. So are they designed to make us wait n go insane? Hah ive being waitin my whole life, waitin for the bus, waitin for people to call me, waitin for people to reply to me ova the net, waitin for people to send me music and of course for that special someone….. Honestly its amazin how people can wait n not go insane… We are an impatient lot, “askin mum where my food or I’ll click it”, but then waitin for these other lil things but takin it easy. If we realli realise how much things we were waitin for, are we realli goin to go crazy… This is one of the weird things I notice about us humans, we are weird n interestin lot. I remember ages ago, me n my ex gf, were at the snow, ahaha it took me about 6 hours to finally find the confidence to talk to her!!! I can tell she was peed off, but luckily tim tams helped her calm down cause it took me so long….. Well mayb she wasn’t that peed off but I can tell by her relief that she being waitin a long time for me to talk…. I remebered I was by the kitchen table just fully lookin at her like as if my eyes were peeled to her, it was weird but I seriously duNo how she could of waited for me…. N it took me quite a while to ask her out toO .. weird … How come we want girls/guys to talk to us like as soon as possible, but we are want to wait as long as possible to ask talk to them, we are bunch of wierdos…. Like you should notice things like that….. Mayb it will make you a waitin yet patient person and realise the stupidity of it…. As humans we have to learn to be patient, in the Christianity, patience is seen as a gift from God himself, as u can see, to some people Christianity is seen as a gift. I Guess if people take more notice of patience mayb they realise that mayb it is a benefit to their own lives, try to imagine all the times uve being impatient, now try to think of a way so that u could of done to prevent your action of being impatient…. How whacked does it feel, u realise that somethin like that so easy could of being done to prevent u from chuckin a fit. Well i dunNo where I got this thought from but, it realli interested me so I decided to rite it down…. Heres another thought, I was at this party ages agO and this person kept on persistin to get this girls numbers, this one was a nice person n onli talks to girls/guys if “she” realli likes them. Sorry no names, n yes its me =-P …. Alrite well I wanted to talk to this girl like woah, shes the nicest girls n most cutest girls I eva seen, she was realli easy to talk to… She kinda of not took notice of me at first like first we just said heLLo a couple of times n she didn’t realli take me notice of me that much. When I finally had the confidence to actually drag her out and talk to her, she finally showed interests, but then again its was onli a short convo. N then she was like lets dance n then we kept dancin but then I walked back to my seat. After that we didn’t talk… I Waited that whole nite for her, realli weird man …. But my patience was like on boarderline and it looked like I didn’t have the HAPPY MOOD for the party anymore. So I decided to just stare into the sky to the state of nothin’ ness. But just before the party ended she just came up to me out of the blue, I was like hey, “in my most depressin voice!!” n shes goes u look like your havin fun in a very sarcastic voice, it cracked me up. I was like u had fun n she was like yeh, n famously she ask for my number … WoaH =- ), we never went out which was ashame but we good friends now. Imagine if I had patience and enjoyed the party. How mad of a day would of that being!!! …. Being at party, had fun, got a girls number…. WoaH, guess patience is needed to have a good life and time …., n its cool, I know that life gotta be filled wif patience n to be enjoyed, ive applied to this one moment so I can live life to the fullest… I duNno u learn from the people u like… so its cool …..
stay kool...

\m/PEANUTDEVIL\m/

memories....i guess...

I cannot picture beauty, i cannot picture love, i cannot picture the sweet red rose, nor the heaven above. i cannot picture anything, sad, i know, its ture, i cannot picture anything without picturing you.

well that was my opening. Now that is so because that is what i feel like... or noticed of me. Today was kinda the day that expected to see her... but she didnt show up.. so my thoughts was on her... so for the whole day... and now.. i've been distracted by my thoughts.... so u can see how bad i was today.. anywho... i found one of.. well.. some of my poems i wrote a while back... and here is one... this was made when duyen broke up with me in the beginning..

love is not a thing for me,
i thought you and me were meant to be,
but i guess i was wrong
,as the nights and days passes by,
the nights without you makes me feel like i want to die.
i guess its not worth crying for you,
for what you have done to me.
so we are over,
we are free.
life hasn't been the same since we broke apart.
i keep reminding myself,
we broke up for a reason,
the reason is for a brand new start.
it hurts me to see you with or talk to another person,
but what can i do,
im nothing but just a friend.
i thought i experienced love,
but i don't think i did,
i never had that feeling which makes me feel complete.
now i have to get up on my feet
and forget about all the things that you and me have been through,
and realise that i am nothing to you anymore.

wellp.. i never let her see the poems i wrote about her.. or about the break up poems i wrote whenever she break me.. or made me down.. sad..
and to tell u the truth.. i really dont know what or how i feel about her anymore.. i know that i Love her.. but... to this moment.. im not that sure of it anymore.. coz of reading everything i wrote.. my ups and downs with her..
omg.. lol i turned around to help bro with something now i lost my trade of thoughts lol....hm.. oh yes....i remember...
yea.. i didnt want to let her see my poems.. i kept them secrect ...until.. Tommy just had to go through my computer and sent it to himself!!! then he sent them to her!!!! OMG.... i know this because i tag my work... or things... and omg... i didnt know she reacted... they were really strong meanings in those poems(eg. at top)... so i dont know.. ..
i dont think that anyone in this world really knows me.. well i know some of u knwo me.. but i mean in like.. a way that .. is my true self... most of my life.. i try to be someone else that im not and try to please ppl.. but i just cant do it anymore.. i just want to be myself. but.. right now.. im thinking i dont even know myself. so how is that gonna help. =./ i dont think i ever knew myself... thats kinda sad but.. really who really knows themself.. like truely.. u know...?
yes im gonan end it here... so yea..
stay true..

Peanut